I feel like a fool for writing this

[Steelepc]

Hello everyone. While i have no official "breakup" the writing is on the wall via, Girlfriend put the breaks on in a massive way, and has gone essentially radio silent..

 

Back story. I met this women last fall shes 33 im 40, and we went out a few times then evaporated, which no big deal. She re-materialized in Jan, and for whatever reason there was this very strong bond between us (well at least thats what i felt) In short order we were together almost everyday, i nearly lived at her house for weeks at a time.

 

Now, I realize that, I made some serious mistakes and broke a lot of my own rules. I way over invested, I over committed, and in doing so i were resentful that she were not matching effort. I never do this sort of thing, but after being divorced for 6 years, and the many many many women ive had in my life always telling me that i need to let someone in, and not be such a hard bastard etc etc I consciously made efforts to not be that, which totally went against every instinct in my body, but did it any way.

 

 

Now we never "locked it down" but everything was implied, meaning, we were together literally all of the time, not just from me pushing, she'd call, id help her with something at work, or just be at her house.

 

Granted i handled it wrong when I made my "demands" which as I said I totally wouldve done differently in hindsight, but my emotions were clouding my judgement and my level commitment to not being the hard bastard (which ironically kept the others around) and I essentially was spewing whiny girly man BS.

 

I had to leave on a biz trip, and the night before i were to stay at her house but she were sick. I stopped in the following morning brought coffee on my way to the airport. She seemed "ok" but did sort of rush me off. Some time while i were flying she sent me a text I hope you arrive safely, then essentially no response from texts, I had to call. She would answer and be short convos.. This went on the rest of the week. That friday we were to go out but she were still sick, I saw her at work and I were really aggravated. I went back and saw her just to give her the "travel trinkets" and to ask whats going on.

 

While her life is chockablock full, shes never been this distant. but claimed because she were sick, and work is crazy, sister n bro in law at her house etc etc excuse excuse excuse but PLEASE be patient with me.

 

So another week of this goes on we go out last friday night where i have already had my revelations to all the major pushing etc i did we had dinner and everything was as it always was, i left her house everything was about the same as it were before. I had kept everything light and approached the evening as if it were a first date. I stopped the evening briefly just to say "hey i cannot apologize for my past behavior but i promise to bring my best version of myself from here on out"

 

She asked "What did you do wrong?"

 

Me: I have been far to pushy and hadnt been listening to what you were telling me, i just didnt hear what you were saying. I placed a lot of things on your shoulders that were not your responsibility, because i were not in the right head space. When you first met me I had my center, and with a lot of the general stress's in my life over the last few months, i had lost some of that, and I feel your attraction for me has gone down because of it.

 

Then the waiter showed up and stood there for what seemed like 5 mins and the moment was kind of lost.

 

She only said " I dont like being told what to do, and it makes me feel like a child.

 

I asked what else?

 

She said well, really thats it, then we went to eating.

 

There are 2 things that I have TOLD her to do, one is stay in touch with me, and show you care, and there were some sex challenges.

 

Again both of these issues are sort of on me for not handling things correctly.

 

I let the no calling thing go through the weekend, no texting etc, didnt hear from her. I spoke to her Monday to schedule a meetup later in the week, granted her daughter has surgery this week (just oral) and doesnt know how that will play out.

 

This woman has always prided herself on telling dudes to go away, directly, but she hasnt with me, and i didnt pull the plug because while we had no commitment, i still very much like her (honestly dont know why) and just rekindled all the women i had back burnered over the last 4 months or so.Which honestly sucks because they were back burnered because i never felt anything real with any of them, which is what ive felt with all of them since my divorce.

 

So i will go zero contact with her until the 15th of June. It is honestly just killing me inside, even know the time with her was very short, for whatever reason, i got really attached. I dont know if I projected my own feelings onto her or wtf but even my ex wife, I were glad to see her go, and didnt feel this strongly about her.

 

It was as if she ran my own "game" on me.

 

Last piece (and I have no idea what im expecting by even posting here) She is adhd, she has gone radio silent from time to time, but usually it was 24 hrs or so, no biggie, even know youd see her active on social media.

 

 

Shes has told me repeatedly that everything is fine, just maxed out with getting ready to move, the kid's surgery, and prepping work for her vacation.

 

But it would seem that if she cared, she would bump with a text, or a call, a rock through my window or something. Ive never felt quite so awful, over a woman, and I have had a LOT of women throughout my life, and choice has never been an issue for me. I just dont understand

[JuanDelToro]

I think you already know the answer to your issue. Obviously she liked you at first but Infatuation blinded you and you went on full beta on her. You drove her away with your clinginess.

 

And yes you're right, you got hooked on her because she is rejecting you and your survival instincts have kicked in.

 

Her attractions levels to you are probably close to zero right now. But I think it's salvageable if you still want her. Don't over analyze things or try to understand her.

 

Just be yourself, the person you feel most comfortable with, show her with an assertive way what you want. Stop texting, stop calling (especially the panic "what's going on" type of calls). Stop discussing the issue, act as if nothing ever happened, stop chasing.

Also, stop worrying of losing her otherwise you'll turn this into a self fulfilled reality. Let her worry over you for once and let her take initiative over the chase.

 

Be willing to let her go.

 

Don't take this as a game of manipulation (as many do) to get her back and don't go passive aggressive. Just be real, as a man, grounded in yourself and your needs. If she comes back great, you'll know what to do and what not to do moving forward, if she doesn't come back it's great also, because it'll give you the chance to find someone much much better.

 

See it as a win win case either way and all will go well.

[Steelepc]

I think you already know the answer to your issue. Obviously she liked you at first but Infatuation blinded you and you went on full beta on her. You drove her away with your clinginess.

 

And yes you're right, you got hooked on her because she is rejecting you and your survival instincts have kicked in.

 

Her attractions levels to you are probably close to zero right now. But I think it's salvageable if you still want her. Don't over analyze things or try to understand her.

 

Just be yourself, the person you feel most comfortable with, show her with an assertive way what you want. Stop texting, stop calling (especially the panic "what's going on" type of calls). Stop discussing the issue, act as if nothing ever happened, stop chasing.

Also, stop worrying of losing her otherwise you'll turn this into a self fulfilled reality. Let her worry over you for once and let her take initiative over the chase.

 

Be willing to let her go.

 

Don't take this as a game of manipulation (as many do) to get her back and don't go passive aggressive. Just be real, as a man, grounded in yourself and your needs. If she comes back great, you'll know what to do and what not to do moving forward, if she doesn't come back it's great also, because it'll give you the chance to find someone much much better.

 

See it as a win win case either way and all will go well.

 

What i do find "odd" is that when we were together friday night, everything was mostly the same. I say mostly because there is some distance, but everything else were typical. A big long hug and a kiss, and I slapped her on the ass. I never said anything further about where things were at or where theyre going etc, i dropped it. I essentially started over in my mind, with regaining the attraction, just as if we never have had a date before.

 

I did screw up and call her Monday, just as a "whats your schedule like for the week" and always friendly but kinda distracted and short which is not unusual.

 

I totally agree, and the whole time I were questioning myself on being a chump...Seriously

 

Ive put her on NC until the 15th or so, but it so frigg'n sucks. I look off my balcony across the bay and can see her place (pretty much) other women right now are not filling that void but filling time.

 

It sucks when you mess up basic fundamentals, and you ignore your instincts, thinking youre being phobic about something.

 

 

I know, no one has a crystal ball, but anyone think there is any possible hope here. What is even more bizarre is, I dont even know why i like this woman as much as I do, she doesnt hit any of my usual criteria... Its the weirdest thing.

Edited May 18, 2016 by Steelepc

[GorillaTheater]

Ive put her on NC until the 15th or so, but it so frigg'n sucks.

 

 

Just for the record, I agree with Juan; I'm sure the apparent neediness has chased her off, at least to a point.

 

 

But I'm curious about this June 15 thing. Anything particularly significant about that date? And I'm not clear on whether you've discussed with her the fact that you're backing off and going NC until a certain date.

 

 

Honestly though, it seems to me that if you've gotten to the point where you're going NC to preserve your relationship, dignity, sanity or whatever else is in play, the relationship has likely run its course. It may be time to stop holding on to this by your fingernails and end this relationship on a calm, mature note.

[Steelepc]

Just for the record, I agree with Juan; I'm sure the apparent neediness has chased her off, at least to a point.

 

 

But I'm curious about this June 15 thing. Anything particularly significant about that date? And I'm not clear on whether you've discussed with her the fact that you're backing off and going NC until a certain date.

 

 

Honestly though, it seems to me that if you've gotten to the point where you're going NC to preserve your relationship, dignity, sanity or whatever else is in play, the relationship has likely run its course. It may be time to stop holding on to this by your fingernails and end this relationship on a calm, mature note.

 

 

That's 30 days NC.

 

What made it hard for me to not be pushy was, she always had me around her. I had cut loose all the other ones that i had around because for whatever reason, I can feel this pull.

 

In the last 6 years, Ive been on about 300+ dates, and involved with probably 70 different women, and I didnt care one way or another about any of them.

 

I meet this one and felt at first, Im not real sure about this girl to oh wow I really like this woman

 

 

Just odd she wouldnt just say GTFO or this just isnt working move on chump. We certainly didnt have the lets just be friends talk.

 

Typically, if I had been only just dating someone in this little amount of time i would totally agree that, just walk. But i nearly lived at her house just before things got weird

Edited May 18, 2016 by Steelepc

[Steelepc]

Anyone have any further ideas on how to respark this? Should I just step to and cut the cord?

[fixing]

I don't think you should do anything but move forward with your own life. You said in your initial post that she vanished for a while then resurfaced....

 

Why then would you want to make contact or break the NC? I know its hard, but, seriously, you can't go contacting her. It will make you appear weak and needy.

 

Maybe I'm wrong on this, but that is my initial gut feeling reading this thread.

[salparadise]

I dated on like that two years ago - stingy with attention, always felt like I had to pull back to hold her interest, all about me meeting her needs but mine weren't much of a consideration. She held me at arms length because she was afraid to engage fully, but she wanted me to come running when she was ready. It sucked.

 

I concluded that I don't have any interest in a relationship like that even if the attraction is strong. I am now with a woman who is the opposite. She is generous with her attention, not afraid to go deeper, great capacity for intimacy and closeness. This is what I want and even if something happened that I'd be on the dating market again, this is what I will expect from a relationship.

 

I think she has played your game better than you. The answer is to quit playing games and find a relationship where you both can be authentic. There is no comparison.

[Giggles666]

I agree with the last two posts, move on. I am going through the same thing as you currently only ruined a 15 year friendship along the way.

 

Known and been friends with this girl for 15 years, she told me no one she liked at asked her out and had not had sex in 2 years. All into me on 1st date, then 2nd, then 3rd, making all these plans so I figure I'll get just as excited.

 

Long story short, she gave me the overwhelmed talk, so I backed off. Then told me she had feelings and panicked, I came back, then she acted weird again. Days later she gave me the "I miss you". I tried one more time...

 

It's a game, dude. Just move on, trying to maintain a relationship with someone like that is not going to end well and is unhealthy.

 

Sad as it is, I was much like you dating not caring and went for a girl I knew for a long time and liked a lot. Nothing good can come of games, they never end.

[Steelepc]

Its never been a game with me, with this woman. I said that merely as a reference to how I had typically been with other women.

 

Part of the latitude i have given with this is, like myself shes self employed and i were raised in business, and totally am accommodating, because i understand. Theres times ive had plans but had to jump a plane and leave town without notice, and women in my past would freak. The other thing is, because i have my own attention challenges, she is adhd, and this plays a role in the interaction, so i give some allowance for that too.

 

When we're together, and its just us, there is this thing where ive never felt so connected with another person, and i mean ever. Im about as stoic as any man, I walk into a board room or cold walk into a vendors booth as essentially the grim wreaper, and hold my state. With this woman im I feel challenged with holding my walls up.

[Giggles666]

I meant she's playing games. I have the same thing, totally connected to this woman, great sex, great hanging out, almost perfect. As O said we have known her for 15 years and all the games tend to start with real vague "panics" and "being overwhelmed". IMO it keeps us guys hanging around.

 

If you want to respark something the only thing you can do is wait IMO. Otherwise, I would move on, she might contact you who knows, you know best.

 

Think about it, if you were having a great time with someone and liked them a lot, would you ever ask for NC. or distance yourself?

 

How do you know she has always prided herself to tell dudes to go away, did she tell you that?

[Steelepc]

I meant she's playing games. I have the same thing, totally connected to this woman, great sex, great hanging out, almost perfect. As O said we have known her for 15 years and all the games tend to start with real vague "panics" and "being overwhelmed". IMO it keeps us guys hanging around.

 

If you want to respark something the only thing you can do is wait IMO. Otherwise, I would move on, she might contact you who knows, you know best.

 

Think about it, if you were having a great time with someone and liked them a lot, would you ever ask for NC. or distance yourself?

 

How do you know she has always prided herself to tell dudes to go away, did she tell you that?

 

 

She's blurted things out from time to time, and she has a problem with tmi. Thats all adhd crap

 

 

I totally agree about wanting to hangout. Thats what troubles me, its very weird. I think part of this is I want to turn it around merely to see if I handle things properly how will she be? I know that sounds selfish or weird, but i dont think i gave her a real fair shake by doing the things i did.

Edited May 20, 2016 by Steelepc

[Giggles666]

Tough spot for you, I feel your pain. I get what you are saying, not really a game if you do the NC and/or move on. If she contacts you great,, if not you're on your way to moving on

 

I felt the same way, I felt like I did not give her a fair shake but now a couple months later with a clear head I realize all I did was ask what was going on, instead of telling me she ran away. I'm about your age and she is almost 50, I figured at that age if you are playing games or unable to deal with the two way street that a relationship is....well good luck. I still get urges to contact her some days, and I have seen her. We have common friends. I'm cordial with a wave and a hi but when she tries to talk to me I simply say I have to remove myself from any situation.

 

I care about her a lot but realized I'm not made for her, I can't deal with on again off again, her "I don;t have time, I panicked, I'm overwhelmed" bull****. If someone likes you they make time. In fact she told me I was too much and it made me feel a lot like you described above, so for the first couple of weeks I felt like I screwed up. Once again with a clear head I realized she was coming on strong also, maybe more than I was. She was canceling plans with others to see me, inviting me over all the time and then it just got weirdm she became distant. I backed off, she hit me up, then she got weird again, I backed off...as much as I like, or rather love this woman who has been a great friend I had to just disappear for my own mental health.

 

I wish you luck, I really do. It's a tough spot for you. I hope everything works out, and if it does not that you at least take the time to worry about moving on or keeping yourself occupied. These things can drag out. Plus with me it eventually became a game of "when is she going to get all weird on me again", it becomes a fear in the back of your mind.

 

Good luck to you. Try and enjoy your time apart and think about what you want. Women can be a very powerful force, LOL as you know. Work on what you think you did wrong and act happy and improve on yourself where you can.

[Steelepc]

I cut the cord on this today. On to better fits

[Steelepc]

I dont know if this is the appropriate place but I have some things on my mind with this.

 

My biggest issue with her was no communication from her, i had mentioned to her several times since she started doing the fade or putting me on the back burner, that i understand busy but, you cant drop me a text a call or anything?

 

She had called me out of the blue Saturday and said when can we get together and got a bunch of wishy washy crap. She called Monday all excited about a house she wants but i didnt have time to speak and called her back. Then in conversation she's dropping the "i showed my friend John and he said it looks like a lot of work blah blah blah" now as far as i know he was some old FB or something that lives about 100 miles away. She would mention him often in the past about having this thing about "bushes" and he'd send her texts of bushes all the time and send weird stuff etc. She had time to to play games and bull**** with him but not me?

 

 

The final straw and im not proud i did this but i had to know. Yesterday on FB she had added in some new guy that didnt appear to have any connection to anyone and he was moving from another town to somewhere (best guess here) so i did some snooping and she had been trolling tinder. Now im not upset about that in of itself (didnt like it obviously) but we didnt have that committed thing, it was implied. But she had time for that BS, but not to send me a text of "hey, i havent forgotten you" or "youre missed" even a "GFY!"

 

In the conversation yesterday, while i know its done for and she's probably scheduling 5 new FB"S to heal, I said to her " I know I fk'd up and mismanaged things, and if I could change those things, I would, but i promised you that I will bring my very best version of myself from now on, and part of that is telling you is, youre not putting in any effort, and if you are unable or unwilling to meet me half way to turn this around, I have to walk, I absolutely adore you and I will only accept a romantic relationship with you or nothing at all"

 

Now I wouldve rather have had this conversation in person but its not like i were ever going to see her. She went on to say "i am so busy with this and that and so on" I said to her "i understand busy, i truly do but your communication with me sucks, you'll go as much time as you like without even acknowledging my existence on the planet"

 

"i dont know when i can meet you half way, it could be a month or 2 months or even a year i dont know"

 

Thats the short version of it all, Im surprised that she didnt call last night and try something say something. Perhaps she thinks im bluffing.

 

Even know i have far better prospects, and i know i will get over this, i feel so completely hurt and angry for letting someone treat me this way.

 

 

Just venting i suppose, the heart break for me was when i truly needed a lil pat on the azz, she were nowhere to be found, and it went down hill from there.

[elaine567]

There are 2 things that I have TOLD her to do, one is stay in touch with me, and show you care, and there were some sex challenges.

 

 

What sex challenges?

[Steelepc]

We werent having sex very often for one reason or another. 2 week long period's, she was sick for a while, then too tired...

[salparadise]

I commend you for having cajones and self respect to not allow her to treat you that way. She was bull$hitting and manipulating your emotions. Dropping other guy's names and adding strangers on fb while claiming to be too busy to text or talk... you read that part correctly.

 

She knew you were invested and was probably deriving some masochistic pleasure or ego boosting sensations from the manipulation. Women who do that stuff don't make good partners for men that want real, stable relationships. Basically, they thrive on drama.

 

It's best to learn to spot this stuff early, before investing much. Or even better, focus on dating women of the opposite type- those who are authentic, and worthy of a man who can be emotionally available. The real ones reciprocate enthusiastically. Every man should have that as a baseline qualification before getting too invested. These things you only learn by doing.

[Steelepc]

An interesting thing that i discovered in this scenario is what emotionally unavailable means. I were arrogant when she said "i dont do relationships" ive had the same sentiment for years, so, I blew it off. I did some research on it and theres a thread on reddit that described this scenario (that i lived) to a T, honestly it made me feel extra stupid.

 

 

At the same time, this woman I dated for a while about 2 years ago popped into my life. At the time when i met her she was great but, she was emotionally unavailable due to just breaking up with a fiance'. I didnt know it had happened 2 days before we met or a week or some such.

 

We made a date, and even know i didnt follow up or text or anything for 3 days, i pulled into her driveway 3 mins late, and she were ready and sitting by the door. I said "hey look at you a whole day at an event and youre right on time" She replied "You're never late and a man of your word, i knew when you'd be here, i knew i better be ready"

 

This elated me.

 

Same woman, I texted her Monday and said give me a call when you get free (she works where she cant take calls) she texted back, saying she would. Late in the evening she texted back Im trucking the kids around, and may not get to it, i will call you tomorrow. Yesterday morning, she texted a few times, and mid afternoon BOOM phone call.

 

My point in mentioning this is, I actually feel weird that she follows through on her word lol

[Steelepc]

Some of the confusing parts would be, i'd ask "do you like the direction we're going?"

 

I suppose i also learned why this woman, could barely choke out a comment about me, without it being forced. Like a compliment or and everything was always a repeat of what i said " i care a lot for you" and I would get a "me too" or "i care lot about you too" or some such

 

Everything was like pulling hens teeth

 

Im not a needy guy but it always felt like I were the pretty girl being ignored by the PUA guy. Except for physical touch, i think her MO is to, hookup with men, when she has a need, and the ones she "likes" she keeps around as a security blanket emotional tampon sort of thing. She would always lay her head in my lap, or if we were sitting close she'd be partially in my lap with her arm around me. If we were in bed, she would lay partially on me etc, i think she likes that sort of thing more than the sex aspect, because it fulfills some sort of nurtured thing or something. Everything was about her orbit, and doing for her in some way, she's just a taker/energy vamp i suppose. It was just weird that she kept me so tightly in her orbit, and after that long together time, she vanished, apparently classic unavailable trait.

 

I will need to process this a bit, but in the end it taught me a lot and improved me... Still Pi$$ed though

Edited May 25, 2016 by Steelepc

[salparadise]

This is a fundamental personality characteristic. It does not vary much within any given individual, and you can't win them over and make them behave differently by loving them better. They can't tolerate feelings of vulnerability, and they usually have fear of abandonment at the same time. It results in a constant push-pull relationship dynamic, and is extremely frustrating for the other.

 

Learn to spot,em. Believ'em when they tell you. Know what crap you're not interested in suffering ever again. Manage the part of you that tends to respond to that tactic.

 

I have a wonderful girlfriend now who is the opposite. Super reliable, affectionate, emotionally intelligent and available. I have experience with the other type too. I feel like I should write a book...

[Steelepc]

This is a fundamental personality characteristic. It does not vary much within any given individual, and you can't win them over and make them behave differently by loving them better. They can't tolerate feelings of vulnerability, and they usually have fear of abandonment at the same time. It results in a constant push-pull relationship dynamic, and is extremely frustrating for the other.

 

Learn to spot,em. Believ'em when they tell you. Know what crap you're not interested in suffering ever again. Manage the part of you that tends to respond to that tactic.

 

I have a wonderful girlfriend now who is the opposite. Super reliable, affectionate, emotionally intelligent and available. I have experience with the other type too. I feel like I should write a book...

 

I think back on a lot of the conversations we had, that seemed random at the time that i blew off, i shouldve dug deeper into them. I will never make those mistakes again nor will i ever let some things go unchecked, and will nip it in the bud instantly without mercy.

 

Im relieved in some ways but mostly i am truly angry, not at her but at myself. Shes the wind doing what she does, im only in control of me, and i projected my feelings onto her and was totally blind.

 

 

With a person like this and a young child in the house, seems like a setup for another generation of terribleness

[Steelepc]

More memory revelations that put in present context make more sense now.

 

 

One day we were sitting by the pool and I do not recall how it came up, but she said "what do you think about brother husbands?" Im like wtf? I dont know what that is "you know mormons have sister wives?" OK

 

"well i'd like to have a bunch of different husbands that all have different qualities blah blah blah" Even know my response was maybe not the best, or maybe it was but I said "Ahhh, well that could work for you i suppose but, i do not take the back seat to any man, any more than you'd want to take the back seat to any other woman"

 

Her: God i were just kidding... lol

 

She had made references to this sort of thing lots and lots of times, and i just thought it was BS' kind of thing, apparently i missed the truth in it.

 

 

Women do not lie, men dont hear whats being said

 

 

I am actually surprised as angry as I felt yesterday there is this clarity and indifference coming over me, today. Far less attachment to the memories than i had, i suppose i am in analyzer mode, so it allows me to figure out things, without the emotion.

[Steelepc]

Knowing that this was all screwed up, im still challenged with letting her go from my mind. Very irritating, i didnt even want my ex wife back at all, but this woman im constantly feeling the "missing" and lamenting everything that i missed and did incorrectly...

 

I think i need to have an exorcism and rid myself of this succubus.. lol

[salparadise]

Time heals. The goal is to become indifferent and just not care anymore. Focus on you and what's good for you now. Allow thoughts of her to float on by without taking them seriously or to heart.

 

One day we were sitting by the pool and I do not recall how it came up, but she said "what do you think about brother husbands?" Im like wtf? I dont know what that is "you know mormons have sister wives?"

 

It's good to recognize these things in hindsight even if you didn't see it as a red flag at the time. But this is revealing, isn't it - monogamy isn't part of her repertoire.