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Trying to Purge my Toxic Hatred


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Hey guys. New to this board. My friends are getting tired or too busy to listen to me vent, so I thought I'd share with you guys my situation.

 

A little bit of background: My ex and I have been dating for about 3.5 years and we ended it about 3 weeks ago. We were each other's first loves. Things were great for the first couple of years.

 

Then she started working at a lab in school and things kind of went downhill from there. She barely had time to see me, maybe once a week or once every two weeks at best. It put a strain on us, but that was just the beginning.

 

Eventually this guy who works with her started to get close with her. He would do things like invite her over to his place, have one on one dinners with her, see movies with her, flirt with her and tell her things like "you're the most important thing to happen in my life"

 

I then tell her that this guy probably likes her. But, she's one of those girls who think that guys just happen to be "nice and friendly" and don't have ulterior motives. She even got disgusted when I entertained the thought that he liked her. She assured me he was just a friend and that she would never do anything with him. I told her it still made me uncomfortable that she was still spending so much alone time with him, but that didn't really stop her from doing it. In her mind, she was convinced that he only liked her as a friend and she didn't want to face the alternative. This should have been a red flag for me, but I did trust her so I let it go.

 

Over the course of the last month of our relationship, she would make excuses not to hang out with me. She would say things like "I'm too tired" or "I have no time". But she had no problem hanging out with her friends after she finished her lab work despite being too tired or not having time.

 

Eventually, the break up happens. It's somewhat mutual. We both agree that we are not happy and we consider taking a break as friends for a few days and see what happens. We meet the next day and I tell her that I want to keep trying, but she said she didn't want to anymore. It was "too hard" for her. I took the break with the intention of rekindling our relationship by a bit of time apart, but she had other plans -to end it for good. The "official" reason being that she was too swamped with work and other responsibilities to have any sort of relationship for the time being.

 

So over the course of two weeks I come to terms with it. It hurt but I was healing gradually. We talked here and there as friends to see how we were doing.

 

This past Saturday I was finishing up a CPR course downtown, and I start walking towards a bar for a friend's birthday party. On the way, I notice on the street someone who looks extremely close to my ex, who happens to be holding hands with a guy. I couldn't believe it.

 

I text her asking if she is downtown, she says yes. I ask her if she's with anyone. Indeed, she is with the guy that I suspected that liked her and admits that they were holding hands. I asked her what was going on, and I swear she replied: "We were just joking, I said my hands were cold and he grabbed them". Be real with me guys, can a woman really be this naive?

 

We then speak some more the next day and I confront her about absolutely everything. She then finally admits that she likes the guy, and has liked him for the past week, and that a future relationship with him might actually happen. It is at this point I start NC.

 

I just have so much rage and anger right now. It was one thing to break up because she didn't have time for a relationship. It was another to lie about that and start flirting with a guy two weeks after we broke up after a 3.5 year relationship. She and I never even held hands when we were friends, and seeing her doing that with a guy is heartbreaking.

 

I know what you're thinking "you just saw them hold hands, it's not like she admitted sleeping with him". You're absolutely correct. I feel terrible for the people who find out that their ex is actually sleeping with someone else so soon after a long term relationship. It just feels like a huge betrayal of trust and integrity. I told her many times that the guy was into her, she ignored it, and it just sucks being right in the end ADDED with the fact that now she suddenly likes him back too.

 

Is she using him as a rebound or does she like him? It honestly does not matter to me because I have no intention of ever speaking to her again. It's not even jealousy I feel because I never want to be with her again, but I just have this toxic hatred for the both of them. They had total disregard for how I felt. I feel like I was taken for a fool and that the guy totally outplayed me and got the girl he wanted, while I knew what was happening the whole time. She was too oblivious to see it, but I saw it coming a while ago.

 

I just basically assume that they're going to have sex at some point, so I can deal with that pain now, rather than find out later and be a mess again. These thoughts are hard to get out of my mind, and they consume me. He outplayed me and now he gets to be intimate with her.

 

I know the pain and anger will go away with time. It just honestly helps to vent and talk to people about it. Thanks for reading!

Edited by MIK3 WB
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Giggles666

//I know what you're thinking "you just saw them hold hands, it's not like she admitted sleeping with him". You're absolutely correct. I feel terrible for the people who find out that their ex is actually sleeping with someone else so soon after a long term relationship. It just feels like a huge betrayal of trust and integrity. I told her many times that the guy was into her, she ignored it, and it just sucks being right in the end ADDED with the fact that now she suddenly likes him back too.//

 

She knew he liked her. She denied it to avoid confrontation most likely, and to relieve some guilt. I'm not thinking there is anything weird about holding hands vs sleeping with someone, both are intimate and both hurt. Your hurting is normal.

 

//Is she using him as a rebound or does she like him? It honestly does not matter to me because I have no intention of ever speaking to her again. It's not even jealousy I feel because I never want to be with her again, but I just have this toxic hatred for the both of them. They had total disregard for how I felt. I feel like I was taken for a fool and that the guy totally outplayed me and got the girl he wanted, while I knew what was happening the whole time. She was too oblivious to see it, but I saw it coming a while ago.//

 

No idea if he is a rebound or she likes him, try to not worry about that. As you said you plan on it being over, and for now at least it is. Having feelings, even toxic hatred is normal, have to go with that until it's out of your system. It's your ego, we all have them. It hurts, you also have this need to be right. I am going through this right now myself. Gotta let that go, nothing good can come of it.

 

//I just basically assume that they're going to have sex at some point, so I can deal with that pain now, rather than find out later and be a mess again. These thoughts are hard to get out of my mind, and they consume me. He outplayed me and now he gets to be intimate with her. //

 

This part is tough, and it never gets any easier. Deal with it now, the sooner you deal the sooner you move on. Unfortunately, it's life, and I know it sucks. You got it already, deal with it now rather than later, it is what it is. Your emotions will consume you and that is normal. He did not outplay you though, for all you know he crashes and burns. She might not like him, he might not like her, who knows what the future holds for them, but more importantly...you.

 

No contact, disappear from her life. It'll help you move on quicker, and quite frankly from years of experience myself, you will not push her away further or make silly mistakes that make you make an ass of yourself. Try your best to take your own advice of never contacting her again. Don;t just say it, mean it and live it.

 

Sorry to hear, man. It hurts, but as time goes on it gets easier it really does. Right now it will suck for a while, but you'll find someone and you'll forget her one day. Time, it takes time and the process sucks.

 

Vent away, you need to...it's a tool and it's normal.

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TaraMaiden2

It's not the girl who's naive. It's the guy, and that guy is you.

 

The moment he came out with "You are the most important thing to happen in my life" your relationship was doomed.

 

When did you say that to her?

 

Face it. he lit fires with a tiny spark, and it became a raging inferno, you could never ever compete with or extinguish.

The break-up was not mutual.

No way.

She broke up with you on the falsest of pretenses, and you went along with it.

 

There's no point being angry with either one of them.

They didn't fool you.

YOU - fooled you.

She wasn't flirting with him AFTER you broke up. It started way before then.

It started when he said the above words, and that's when you began to lose her.

He's not a rebound. He's the replacement.

She cheated on you, Emotionally.

And sadly, you fell for it. Now....?

 

I know what you're thinking "you just saw them hold hands, it's not like she admitted sleeping with him". You're absolutely correct.

Nope.

Nope,nope,nope,nope,nope.

 

Not thinking that at all.

I'm thinking - "You caught her out, holding hands, and she's probably already slept with him more than once."

 

You have to go full-blown, no ifs or buts No Contact.

Total.

Blank, block, ignore, delete deny.

 

He didn't outplay you.

He moved in where a gap had appeared, because had there been no gap, he would never have got a look-in.

There was a gap there, because you and your GF stopped seeing so much of each other, and you both took it for granted that it would have no effect on either of you.

 

It was also your first love.

Big news:

Look round this forum.

First Loves never last to become last loves.

Inevitably, when new interests, new surroundings, new people, new experiences happen, the old wears off and becomes old-hat.

 

It's extremely common.

Bottom line is, she out-grew the relationship and moved on.

 

That - is really all there is to ponder on.

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I text her asking if she is downtown, she says yes. I ask her if she's with anyone. Indeed, she is with the guy that I suspected that liked her and admits that they were holding hands. I asked her what was going on, and I swear she replied: "We were just joking, I said my hands were cold and he grabbed them". Be real with me guys, can a woman really be this naive?

 

We then speak some more the next day and I confront her about absolutely everything. She then finally admits that she likes the guy, and has liked him for the past week, and that a future relationship with him might actually happen. It is at this point I start NC.

 

I just have so much rage and anger right now. It was one thing to break up because she didn't have time for a relationship. It was another to lie about that and start flirting with a guy two weeks after we broke up after a 3.5 year relationship. She and I never even held hands when we were friends, and seeing her doing that with a guy is heartbreaking.

 

I would say you're the naive one here if you:

a. Think that she didn't know exactly what she was doing and what this guy wanted the entire time.

b. Think that she started flirting two weeks after the breakup.

 

The fact that you were cool with her doing all this stuff with another guy (one on one dinners, hanging out at his place, going to the movies) astounds me. She was clearly setting up her next relationship, and usually when that happens there's some painful overlap between the last relationship and the new one, which is what happened here.

 

Go complete NC. Whenever you get the urge to break it, that's when you use all that anger at her cheating (at least emotionally if not physically as well) and leading you on.

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The fact that you were cool with her doing all this stuff with another guy (one on one dinners, hanging out at his place, going to the movies) astounds me. She was clearly setting up her next relationship, and usually when that happens there's some painful overlap between the last relationship and the new one, which is what happened here.

 

I absolutely was not cool with it and I told her how I felt about it. However, I never want to be that controlling guy who has to give her permission to see certain people. I figured that her finding out that her hanging out with him upset me would be enough to make her stop that. Evidently, it wasn't.

 

I also let out my anger before initiating initiating NC with her, so I won't have to in the future.

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She knew he liked her. She denied it to avoid confrontation most likely, and to relieve some guilt. I'm not thinking there is anything weird about holding hands vs sleeping with someone, both are intimate and both hurt. Your hurting is normal.

 

This is honestly what I figured in hindsight. She never made the conscious effort to find out if he liked her, because then she would have to make a difficult decision that she'd rather not make (to either stop being friends with him or not). It was easier for her to just say "I don't know" all the time instead of "Yes, he does like me". She was emotionally weak.

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They didn't fool you.

YOU - fooled you.

She wasn't flirting with him AFTER you broke up. It started way before then.

It started when he said the above words, and that's when you began to lose her.

He's not a rebound. He's the replacement.

She cheated on you, Emotionally.

 

It was also your first love.

Big news:

Look round this forum.

First Loves never last to become last loves.

Inevitably, when new interests, new surroundings, new people, new experiences happen, the old wears off and becomes old-hat.

 

I appreciate your brutally honest opinion. In fact, it makes it easier to forget about her because the image I had of her "being confused" with her emotions has been replaced with an image of her calculating this for a long time.

 

Thank you.

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TaraMaiden2
I appreciate your brutally honest opinion. In fact, it makes it easier to forget about her because the image I had of her "being confused" with her emotions has been replaced with an image of her calculating this for a long time.

 

Thank you.

 

Yes, you're right.

It was pretty brutal. I admit that.

And I also admit it was quite deliberate, because I actually hoped it would help you shift your focus to what really happened, rather than on what you're imagining might have happened.

 

The danger sadly, is that you will develop a mistrust of all young ladies, and fall into the mind-set of believing all girls will act this way.

 

That's fine, as long as you remember that all guys act this way, too.

 

Am I wrong?

Of course I am.

The behaviour of one, is by no means an indication of the behaviour of all, or even many.

 

The important thing is to get back into dating, slowly, take any new relationship slowly, and communicate and work at it.

 

Relationships take work and maintenance, just like a precious vintage car.

The more you put into it, the more you'll get out of it.

But don't smother or over-do it.

 

You'll be fine...

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Crap, your story is 100% like mine...

 

I can tell you this: never break NC, it will make it a lot worse.

They have had sex allready, and a huge chance that they did when you were still together.

 

She's immature.

Someone with a little bit respect for you or your relation would first try to cure the relation... She did not, and she is a fool for doing this. I'm pretty sure that in the future the same will happen again and again with her.

She's probably hot, and has no problem with finding new guys, so she's fine with going from one to another.

 

 

Time will heal your wounds.

 

It's not fair that she has abused you in this emotional way.

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The danger sadly, is that you will develop a mistrust of all young ladies, and fall into the mind-set of believing all girls will act this way.

 

That's fine, as long as you remember that all guys act this way, too.

 

The behaviour of one, is by no means an indication of the behaviour of all, or even many.

 

Yeah, I find myself worrying about this too. Rationally, I know that her actions don't reflect others, but emotionally it's going to be hard to hear "he's just a friend" while my future girls spend a lot of alone time with a guy they know.

 

I guess from this relationship I learned about the boundaries and signs of this kind of situation. I shouldn't worry if they spend a lot of time together as a group with other friends involved. However when they spend evenings together akin to dates (one on one dinners, going to the movies, going to his place) on a weekly basis, that's when I need to reconsider my relationship. Especially if she doesn't care how I feel about it.

 

Is this line of thinking correct in your eyes? I want to be trusting, but I don't want to be naive and taken as a fool either. I just assume it's a very thin line that's hard to define.

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Crap, your story is 100% like mine...

 

I can tell you this: never break NC, it will make it a lot worse.

They have had sex allready, and a huge chance that they did when you were still together.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear you went through the exact same thing. It really is a terrible feeling. I really wish it was the truth when she told me she just didn't have time because then I would still have had respect for her and not harbour all this hatred right now, but I suppose in the long run it would have made it harder because I would still have reasons to want to get back together with her.

 

As for saying they had sex, and possibly while she and I were together, is actually something I prefer to assume, even if it may not be true. I'd rather assume that they had sex and she was cheating on me and be wrong about that, rather than assuming they didn't have sex at all and be wrong about that. It's hard to deal with, but it's better in the long run.

 

Did your ex ever try to reach out to you after a period of NC?

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TaraMaiden2
Yeah, I find myself worrying about this too. Rationally, I know that her actions don't reflect others, but emotionally it's going to be hard to hear "he's just a friend" while my future girls spend a lot of alone time with a guy they know.
Are you already predicting this as a given...?

If a GF has worries about you meeting 'a guy they know' then worry.

 

If you say "I'd love to meet him, he sounds like a really nice guy, and he's lucky to have you as a friend" and she's happy for you to meet him socially - with her - then trust me - you have far, far fewer worries.

The secret is how often, and if alone....

 

I guess from this relationship I learned about the boundaries and signs of this kind of situation. I shouldn't worry if they spend a lot of time together as a group with other friends involved. However when they spend evenings together akin to dates (one on one dinners, going to the movies, going to his place) on a weekly basis, that's when I need to reconsider my relationship. Especially if she doesn't care how I feel about it.
Don't look at any future relationship in liught of a previous one. Meet each one as a fresh start and be an attentive, considerate, caring and affectionate BF, without being smothering or possessive. there's 'enjoying being with her', and there's 'clingy'.

 

Is this line of thinking correct in your eyes? I want to be trusting, but I don't want to be naive and taken as a fool either. I just assume it's a very thin line that's hard to define.
The most important way to cultivate confidence in a GF is to have a hefty dose of it for yourself.

As I said, coming over needy/clingy, is going to sabotage any future relationship. Being caring, confident, assertive (without being controlling) and attentive (romantic, courteous, a 'gentleman' without being a pushover) is the way to go.

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Itspointless

I cannot add much to what has been said already. Most women dig attention and unfortunately there are always men who never honor what you have. Never understood such behavior. Do not become one of those guys as a reaction to this. Also do not be an ass to your next girlfriend, but discuss with her what feels comfortable and what not. If she neglect your feelings too much than you know enough.

 

As a plus, know that dating in the workplace can turn out be a horrible mistake.

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I'm sorry to hear you went through the exact same thing. It really is a terrible feeling. I really wish it was the truth when she told me she just didn't have time because then I would still have had respect for her and not harbour all this hatred right now, but I suppose in the long run it would have made it harder because I would still have reasons to want to get back together with her.

 

As for saying they had sex, and possibly while she and I were together, is actually something I prefer to assume, even if it may not be true. I'd rather assume that they had sex and she was cheating on me and be wrong about that, rather than assuming they didn't have sex at all and be wrong about that. It's hard to deal with, but it's better in the long run.

 

Did your ex ever try to reach out to you after a period of NC?

 

Good mindset!

 

Well my ex 'has feelings' for the dude that helped her through a hard period. Ahum!

 

When she said we were done mid march I went NC, but after a week she wanted to meet one more time, this happened in april. We had amazing sex and she said that she doesn't want to let me go and that she is still crazy about me and that one day blablablabla...

So she was stringing me along, and I could see in her eyes that she was serious.

After that day I talked a couple of more times on phone and she reacted very bad on this.

So I went completely NC, and in 1 month she didn't reply. When I reached out for her bday she was surprised ( I said I don't want to hear her anymore ).

 

Now again she is not replying, and I'm sure I will never hear her again, unless her new relation breaks and she doesn't find someone directly after him.

 

 

So don't put your hopes in that she contacts you again. Maybe it will be for a one time **** ( because I'm 100% sure that my ex was allready in a relation with this guy when we had goodbye sex, so she cheated on him with me, can you follow :confused: ).

 

If this happens, your mind will be seriously playing games with you.

 

So just stick to NC, even if she contacts you, don't talk back.

She has broken you. You have to heal. She has to respect this.

In my case I'm happy that my ex keeps the NC, otherwise every single time hope should kill me again.

 

 

So be happy that she stays NC, it will help you moving on.

Respect her for doing this.

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Meet each one as a fresh start and be an attentive, considerate, caring and affectionate BF, without being smothering or possessive. there's 'enjoying being with her', and there's 'clingy'.

 

As I said, coming over needy/clingy, is going to sabotage any future relationship. Being caring, confident, assertive (without being controlling) and attentive (romantic, courteous, a 'gentleman' without being a pushover) is the way to go.

 

I wasn't clingy with my ex. I trusted her completely. I never once told her "I don't want you seeing him". I don't want to be that controlling guy, ever. I simply told her it made me uncomfortable she was spending a lot of alone time with him, nothing more.

 

I believe I took the right approach, but the problem was fundamentally my ex. You can be "caring, confident, assertive (without being controlling) and attentive (romantic, courteous, a 'gentleman' without being a pushover)" but if she doesn't care anymore, it doesn't matter. She's already checked out. I guess what you're telling me is that I took the right approach and that shouldn't change with future women where I suddenly become the controlling guy.

 

As for meeting the guy, I just really had no interest in meeting the guy that was flirting with my girlfriend. I felt like I would just be there to be a chaperone for them or something. I really had no interest in getting to know him since I already built such a negative image of him. I suppose in the future I should fight these feelings and meet them regardless?

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TaraMaiden2
...

As for meeting the guy, I just really had no interest in meeting the guy that was flirting with my girlfriend. I felt like I would just be there to be a chaperone for them or something. I really had no interest in getting to know him since I already built such a negative image of him. I suppose in the future I should fight these feelings and meet them regardless?

 

I'm not suggesting you meet the guy who was flirting with your GF.

You're misunderstanding me.

 

Say you have a future GF and she mentions a male friend she's known for some time (either before meeting you or after). That's when you extend the hand of friendship.

And if you immediately have negative feelings then yes - this is your problem, because to be honest, it could be completely harmless and innocent, and you might be jealous for no reason.

 

I have 2 very good platonic friends.

it didn't bother my H one bit, and still doesn't.

There are guys at work I'm very buddy with.

My H isn't bothered one bit.

 

Why?

Because we trust, and don't abuse that trust.

 

You need to start on that foot.

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I cannot add much to what has been said already. Most women dig attention and unfortunately there are always men who never honor what you have. Never understood such behavior. Do not become one of those guys as a reaction to this. Also do not be an ass to your next girlfriend, but discuss with her what feels comfortable and what not. If she neglect your feelings too much than you know enough.

 

As a plus, know that dating in the workplace can turn out be a horrible mistake.

 

Wow. The bolded line speaks so much to me. I'd know enough. This is like an epiphany. No more having to ask what they were doing every time they hung out trying to put all the pieces together and make my mind go crazy. Her not caring about my feelings is enough to suspect that there's trouble. I don't need to go crazy trying to decipher the details. Thank you for this advice.

 

Also, great advice to discuss with her what makes each of us uncomfortable -perhaps even before starting a relationship with this person. We would set the ground work beforehand so there are no surprises later on about what makes the other person uncomfortable. I will keep these lessons in mind for my future relationships. Thank you again for your advice.

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Forceawakensme
It's not the girl who's naive. It's the guy, and that guy is you.

 

The moment he came out with "You are the most important thing to happen in my life" your relationship was doomed.

 

When did you say that to her?

 

Face it. he lit fires with a tiny spark, and it became a raging inferno, you could never ever compete with or extinguish.

The break-up was not mutual.

No way.

She broke up with you on the falsest of pretenses, and you went along with it.

 

There's no point being angry with either one of them.

They didn't fool you.

YOU - fooled you.

She wasn't flirting with him AFTER you broke up. It started way before then.

It started when he said the above words, and that's when you began to lose her.

He's not a rebound. He's the replacement.

She cheated on you, Emotionally.

And sadly, you fell for it. Now....?

 

 

Nope.

Nope,nope,nope,nope,nope.

 

Not thinking that at all.

I'm thinking - "You caught her out, holding hands, and she's probably already slept with him more than once."

 

You have to go full-blown, no ifs or buts No Contact.

Total.

Blank, block, ignore, delete deny.

 

He didn't outplay you.

He moved in where a gap had appeared, because had there been no gap, he would never have got a look-in.

There was a gap there, because you and your GF stopped seeing so much of each other, and you both took it for granted that it would have no effect on either of you.

 

It was also your first love.

Big news:

Look round this forum.

First Loves never last to become last loves.

Inevitably, when new interests, new surroundings, new people, new experiences happen, the old wears off and becomes old-hat.

 

It's extremely common.

Bottom line is, she out-grew the relationship and moved on.

 

That - is really all there is to ponder on.

 

I was thinking exactly what Tara has said. I didn't want to post it as i could see you were in so much pain and your denial may have been serving you. That said, its out there now and im afraid i think shes 100% on the money.

 

I think your ex played the naive card when in reality she was seeing him and falling for him as soon as you felt her begin to pull away. She has slept with him, she lied to you and got out of the relationship diplomatically, keeping you as a friend.. she screwed up by getting caught holding his hands and AGAIN lying (' we were joking'.. it was cold -- oh please).

 

Go NC.. its the only way. This too shall pass. Im so sorry:(

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Itspointless
Wow. The bolded line speaks so much to me. I'd know enough. This is like an epiphany. No more having to ask what they were doing every time they hung out trying to put all the pieces together and make my mind go crazy. Her not caring about my feelings is enough to suspect that there's trouble. I don't need to go crazy trying to decipher the details. Thank you for this advice.

 

Also, great advice to discuss with her what makes each of us uncomfortable -perhaps even before starting a relationship with this person. We would set the ground work beforehand so there are no surprises later on about what makes the other person uncomfortable. I will keep these lessons in mind for my future relationships. Thank you again for your advice.

I an happy to advice. But be aware that relationships are not exact science. There is a reason I found this forum you know.

 

What I meant to say that it is important that you notice that your girlfriend is also considering your needs, or at least letting you know that there is nothing to fear, like with Tara's buddy's. Do not go into a relationship with a set of rules, but be frank with what you consider as a no go area. That gut feeling you got with that guy, i am familiar with that, although that was a long time ago. He did not win the girl in the end, another $%^$ did, one that took advantage of her when she was most vulnerable. Somehow there are always guys to take up that role. Usually they are only there for one reason. Perhaps that guy is a good guy, but it sounds like she is in for some disappointment when she is getting old to him, and that is kind of sad.

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I was thinking exactly what Tara has said. I didn't want to post it as i could see you were in so much pain and your denial may have been serving you. That said, its out there now and im afraid i think shes 100% on the money.

 

I think your ex played the naive card when in reality she was seeing him and falling for him as soon as you felt her begin to pull away. She has slept with him, she lied to you and got out of the relationship diplomatically, keeping you as a friend.. she screwed up by getting caught holding his hands and AGAIN lying (' we were joking'.. it was cold -- oh please).

 

Go NC.. its the only way. This too shall pass. Im so sorry:(

 

Don't worry about it. I'd rather be told the truth than be coddled with false information and be treated like a fool (which is exactly what my ex did). I really don't buy the whole "I didn't want to hurt your feelings" nonsense. If she cared about my feelings she wouldn't have been doing this stuff behind my back in the first place. She just didn't want to be exposed as a liar.

 

And yeah, I gotta say it was a bittersweet feeling catching them. I knew she wouldn't fess it up to me on her own. If I didn't catch them, I'd probably be still talking to her while being oblivious to what she is doing behind my back. "He had sex with me because I told him I was cold. He was just keeping me warm. We're just friends. I'm confused. I don't know if he likes me". Obvious exaggeration, but it's really hard to tell how far she was going to go with the naive card. She tried to play me and keep me as a friend in case things went bad with the new guy. Well she messed that up pretty good.

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I'm not suggesting you meet the guy who was flirting with your GF.

You're misunderstanding me.

 

Say you have a future GF and she mentions a male friend she's known for some time (either before meeting you or after). That's when you extend the hand of friendship.

And if you immediately have negative feelings then yes - this is your problem, because to be honest, it could be completely harmless and innocent, and you might be jealous for no reason.

 

I have 2 very good platonic friends.

it didn't bother my H one bit, and still doesn't.

There are guys at work I'm very buddy with.

My H isn't bothered one bit.

 

Why?

Because we trust, and don't abuse that trust.

 

You need to start on that foot.

 

I understand now. Thank you for clarifying. She does have other guy friends who I never really got bothered about. She definitely wasn't going over to their places or anything. It was just this one guy in particular. All the signs were just there.

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That gut feeling you got with that guy, i am familiar with that, although that was a long time ago. He did not win the girl in the end, another $%^$ did, one that took advantage of her when she was most vulnerable. Somehow there are always guys to take up that role. Usually they are only there for one reason.

 

Yeah I've always wondered how careless people can be about other people's relationships. They should know what they're doing is wrong. Or they do, and they don't care. That should speak enough about a person's morals.

 

But hey, that just speaks to the kind of guy my ex is interested in now. A kind of guy who will flirt with girls who are in relationships. Sounds like a recipe for disappointment for her, added with the fact that she did have a guy with integrity that she now lost forever.

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Thought I'd give a small update about how I'm doing. It's been about 5 days since I caught my ex with someone else and I'm surprised at how much progress I've made in such little time.

 

- Deleted my ex off my phone for good. I don't even want to see her name. (Never kept her to text her, but to read the last conversation I had with her where I told her off. She's been blocked and removed on social media the day I found out.)

 

- A mutual friend asked if I blocked her on all social media and I told her I did. I also told the mutual friend to never ever mention my ex again. I'm not interested in her life. I don't care. I told her I most definitely don't want to hear anything about the new guy either. She saved the message (and showed it to my ex, no doubt). At least she knows I've moved on and never want to speak to her again. Perhaps she was hoping to see I was hurting and missing her. Well, too bad.

 

- The mutual friend posted a snapchat video tonight where my ex was included. I deleted the mutual friend right away. I doubt she did it with ill intentions, but I don't care. Don't ever want to see my ex's face again. If the mutual friends wants to speak to me, there are other ways she can.

 

- I feel like I'm a tougher person as a result of experiencing the pain of a break up. Little things in every day life are so now much less significant to get worked up for.

 

- My friends have been very supportive. To my surprise, some even revealed to me only after the break up that they were surprised I was dating someone who was underwhelming in appearance, and that I'm attractive enough to find a much better looking girl. My initial thought was that it was a little mean toward my ex, because I don't like to judge people by looks. But hey, I don't think I'm in a position where I need to respect her in any capacity anymore.

 

- Went out for drinks with friends tonight and it really helped take my mind off. I had a blast. I mentioned my ex very briefly and that was it. I didn't bring down the mood moping about her. She is losing that control over me.

 

- I don't get as much pangs of anger and sadness at the mere thought of her with someone else anymore. My heart doesn't pound as hard on a daily basis. Thoughts of her don't consume me as much. She's becoming nothing more than a memory to me. The only time I feel a pang of anger or sadness is when I remember the good times when she was good time, but I just remind myself that that "good" person is gone.

 

- I feel more confident as a person. I catch girls stealing glances at me, and just reminds me that there are other people out there for me. I'm also really proud of how I set my foot down about this situation. I caught her with someone else and cut her out of my life on the day of. I don't love her anymore. I don't want to get back together with her. I don't want her explanation. I don't owe her relief from her guilt.

 

- Most of all, you guys have helped me tremendously. You taught me things that were to be learned from all of this and I will carry these lessons into my future relationships. I won't be as naive. I will look for red flags and address them. If she doesn't care, then I know enough. Not going to be played by silly excuses anymore.

 

I hope reading this helps people who are going through a break up right now find comfort. I know it feels like the pain will never go away, but eventually your mind and body say "enough is enough" and you begin to think about them less and in turn become more happy. As I have seen numerous times on the forum "the best revenge is to move on and be happy". Remember that.

Edited by MIK3 WB
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Great job! You're taking all the right steps, just keep doing what you're doing and things will keep getting better for you. Seriously, good work MIK3 WB. Taking the steps for full NC like this is never easy, it shows a lot of strength that you've done that.

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Hey Mike.

 

You'll be fine man. Keep doing what you're doing. To add on to what Tara has said -

 

While women thrive on male attention, they will not spend extensive amounts of one-on-one time with a man they're not sexually attracted to. For future relationships, if you're girlfriend is talking about, seeing, or mentioning another guy's name to an extent that makes you feel uncomfortable in your gut, something is up and the relationship is basically dying. If you confront her - it excites her and pushes her further towards the new exciting guy. If you do nothing, she continues to see the guy. You end the relationship the moment this starts to happen, no questions asked. No talking about it, no discussions, no "warnings" - you end it, because she's already checking out.

 

Here's some fun biology for you. Women branch swing - if this one guy is better than you in some way, giving her something you're not - you're doomed. It is an evolutionary female adaptation - all throughout history women mate with the stronger male.

 

Biology is inescapable and will forever be the driving force behind all human interaction. We all seem to forget that or choose to either be offended by it or ignore it, sadly.

 

Just some food for thought.

 

Anyway, keep your head up.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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