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Oneitis Came Back After 4 Years.


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Long story short, we dated for 2 years and she left me for someone else. It ended horribly as you can guess. She would be hot and cold with me through out their first few years together. She would contact me at random times. Sometimes it would take up to 10 months for her to reach out. But as you could guess it was bread crumbs. So I eventually decided to go strict NC about 1.5 years into the break up.

 

Fast forward to about 4 years later (Around now). I haven't seen her in 4 years or talked to her in about 2. She reached out to me to apologize for everything that she did. I said thanks and wished her well. She then asked if we could be friends and insisted I call her. I said fine, she gave me her number and we talked for 2 straight hours. This is how the conversation went and how I felt:

 

First we talked about ourselves to catch up with one another. I learned that her boyfriend, who she dumped me for, dumped her and now she's dating another guy. She is also living with this other guy. Essentially she dated the guy she left me for, for 3 years and got dumped by him. 3 months later she's dating another guy and living with him. She's lived with 2 different guys in about 5 months. The guy she left me for cheated on her multiple times, has a drug and alcohol problem and fought with her the entire relationship. She said they had no business dating each other (I told her I do not feel bad for her. It's essentially karma).

 

She then apologized again for everything. When I brought up some certain events, she would defend herself and her past actions. This showed that she wasn't sorry for her actions. She was just sorry for how things turned out. I asked how has she changed? I said to her, "You talked to the guy you left me for behind my back. When you were dating him, you talked to me behind his back. And now you're dating someone new and talking to me behind his back." She replied and said he knows that we are talking. Then I said, "Yea it makes perfect sense. Your boyfriend is perfectly fine with you giving out your number and reaching out to an ex who you haven't seen in 4 years." She said yes. I rolled my eyes.

 

She said we would never date or see each other again but wants to be friends. She said when we dated, we were each other's best friend and she misses that. She hates the thought of us never talking again. She said she wants us to talk to each other whenever we need advice and whenever we want to catch up. She wants us to be friends. She asked if she could start slow by giving me her number and adding me on Facebook.

 

We then talked about our past and college days together. She brought up things I didn't even remember. She really was reminiscing of the past. We even talked about times we had sex (Again this is so appropriate when she has a boyfriend. Apparently he's "OK" with us talking.). But it was weird. While talking, it was like we never missed a beat. It was the first conversation we've had in 4 years without going at each other's throats.

 

From what I learned in the conversation was that her life hasn't changed in the past 4 years. She couldn't name one fun thing she's done. But I was naming things left and right. I talked about my career, trips, fun times and how great my life really is. She had nothing. I used to think that she was something amazing. But I'm the catch now and not her. I'm the one that got away. If I took her back (which seems like the reason she's reaching out), I wouldn't be happy. She can't contribute anything positive in my life. I have grown. She has not. It would be a mistake to take her back, even tough I wanted her so bad for years.

 

So for those who are asking, yes they do comeback. It is usually after awhile (every girl I've dated has comeback at some point). But my advice to you, forget them and live your life. The best thing a dumpee can do is move on and focus on you so that you can grow. Take everything as a life lesson. The dumper who goes from one relationship to another, will not grow. They will be stuck in life and look at you while you pass them by.

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She said we would never date or see each other again but wants to be friends.

 

LMAO. Sounds like the start of a beautiful friendship. "I want you as a friend I never actually see in person." I hope you declined this ridiculous arrangement and aren't talking to her anymore, sounds like a waste of your time.

 

Anyways, great post that should be helpful to a lot of people. I adopted the same type of philosophy shortly after my breakup - don't wait around for anyone, don't worry about things you can't control like an ex coming back, just focus on living a bad ass life and everything else will fall into place. Great things are possible if you stay focused and don't waste time worrying about an ex who will probably be sending you breadcrumbs down the road anyway.

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The term 'oneitis' just pisses me the hell off. There's NOTHING wrong with only desiring one person at a time. The issue exists when you desire the wrong person for you.

 

Anyway, getting off my soapbox, glad you have moved on!

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Souldier1234

Alex52. I am so glad you posted this. I just wanna give you the slow clap.

I hope you story wakes a lot of people up to change.

I love how you could see that she didn't not learn anything from her dating experiences and you did. You evolved and look at the shining example you are.

I am so proud. Although we are all not perfect, but you give me hope that humanity will someday evolve from its cruelty and ignorance.

 

I always say to people that once you have focused on you and done some serious growing and let go of all the pain and suffering in your life and educated yourself about life and people, your light will shine and people in your past will come back because you would be in such an enlightened happy person. Ex's always call or come back when you are at a positive time in your life. I've had those phone calls from ex's. One called after 10 years, and she cheated and dumped me 10 years ago, but when I spoke to her and after her long confusing apology, I realized that she had not changed. She still couldn't deal with things and couldn't understand why I didn't entertain her narcissism. But I politely accepted her apology, as I forgave her 10 years back already, without her knowledge, and kindly excused myself from the phone call and continued with my life.

 

Please keep telling you story and keep sharing your wisdom with everyone here and everyone you meet. So many people think NC will heal their wounds. NC only works if you work on yourself. Some people just forget their issues and pain and move on to another dysfunctional relationship not knowing that they are still the cause of their own unhappiness.

 

Austin Klein said: Live your life like you are writing the book you want to read.

Some other people's books I would not want to read, because it is just filled with misery and regret. Rare are the books that people come out of their suffering, discovering the gold they had within themselves.

Thank you so much Alex52 for sharing a page from you book, and I would like to read more insightful things from you in the future.

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Thanks for this great post!

 

This is what I am hoping to achieve myself.

 

My ex also went directly to another relation, just because she can't handle herself. She's a huge mess.

 

 

My parents told me she's messed up for life because of her past.

 

So one day, in a couple of years, I am expecting aswell that phone call or that meeting. And I know that I will be cold towards her. I will not give a **** about how she is doing.

 

Your post is what many people over here are hoping for.

 

Thanks

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Souldier1234

Trust me, you dont want that phone call. You might think so now that you are still attached to them, but when that phone call or that person comes back, you would find it a complete waste of time. Alex's ex came back after 4 years, mine 10 years. What would you gain from being cold or acting out revenge on someone who has no impact or meaning in your life anymore?

 

If you do act cold or revengeful, know that it's your ego that you're holding on to and if you wanna act out on things that happened years ago, you have not matured, grown up or evolved, you would just be as petty and as messed up as they were 4 or 10 years ago. Do you really want to be that person? That petty?

Edited by Souldier1234
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Exactly. For the first few years I wanted to tell her off so bad. I waited for that phone call. I wanted her to feel my pain. But after the four years, my emotions settled down. If I spoke to her with such anger (after 4 years), it shows that I'm still heavily invested. Which I'm not. And if I was, it means I wasted the last 4 years of my life waiting for her to come back to me. Don't wait for anyone and definitely don't chase anyone. That's my new dating motto.

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I second the slow clap for the OP. this is an amazing story not for her train wreck entirely but that you found indifference. I hope I get there too.

 

I like the motto too: don't wait and don't chase!

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Souldier1234

You will get there Dear Bummer. I believe in you.

 

Your life will be filled with riches and joy, if you can learn from your relationships and let go of all pain, anger and suffering, and surround yourself with people that bring meaning to your life and value you, for you, without judgement. I always state that, there is more than one soul mate, but you need to be matured and evolved to connect with your future soul mate, so you both can appreciate true love, and not Hollywood love, which is always filled with confusion, drama and dysfunction.

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Quick Update: Hahahahaha okay...

 

So a few days after her apologizing to me, asking me to be friends, giving me her number, calling me for 2 hrs and asking if she could friend me on Facebook.... She's 3 months pregnant with her rebounds baby!

 

She got dumped by the guy she left me for in November, jumped to a rebound, got pregnant in January by him and started to date him February. She is excited and happy. But she just got pregnant with her rebound. Wow. Can you say train wreck?

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Quick Update: Hahahahaha okay...

 

So a few days after her apologizing to me, asking me to be friends, giving me her number, calling me for 2 hrs and asking if she could friend me on Facebook.... She's 3 months pregnant with her rebounds baby!

 

She got dumped by the guy she left me for in November, jumped to a rebound, got pregnant in January by him and started to date him February. She is excited and happy. But she just got pregnant with her rebound. Wow. Can you say train wreck?

 

This sounds horrible...

I hope for her that she can get through this mess, a baby needs a father figure in his life, especially if the mom is this weak.

 

Well, maybe you've dodged a massive bullet.

Anyway, I think she has had feelings for you all the time, but she's messed up, screwed up. Ignore her :-)

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