What do I do?

[brokenheart1988]

So I lost someone I thought was the love of my life because of my actions. We fell madly in love about one year ago this month and everything was great. She was head over heels I was head over heels. We would have fun going out together, partying, and just watching movies on the couch but then somethings started to bother her.

 

Specifically my lack of self control when it came to drinking. I do not drink often but when I do I end up going 100mph and drink too much. I am not aggressive or mean when drunk but sloppy and she finds it extremely unattractive because she has had a bad past with alcoholism in her family. We talked about and and I told her it would not come up again but eventually it did and we had our first break up. This one did not last too long but I made her a promise that I would not do it again but after a few months I slipped up again. This cycle continued and it ended up happening three times in total.

 

She told me that she is in love with me and saw herself marrying me but has lost her attraction after seeing me in this state. I want to get better and I am going to speak with a counselor about my self-control issue but what can I do with her in the meantime? Should I continue trying to reach out to her or give her time.

 

We did not really have formal closure to our relationship she just kind of cut me off. I am still crazy about her and she is an incredible girl, I cannot forgive myself because I know that I caused these issues. We are both 27 and going out and partying is pretty common in our circle of friends. She has even gotten blackout drunk on me a few times and I have had to deal with her.

 

I know I broke promises and let her down. She said she is so heartbroken that this has happened to us. But my question is how can I fix this because that is all I want. I cannot think about anything else.

[266696687]

So I lost someone I thought was the love of my life because of my actions. We fell madly in love about one year ago this month and everything was great. She was head over heels I was head over heels. We would have fun going out together, partying, and just watching movies on the couch but then somethings started to bother her.

 

Specifically my lack of self control when it came to drinking. I do not drink often but when I do I end up going 100mph and drink too much. I am not aggressive or mean when drunk but sloppy and she finds it extremely unattractive because she has had a bad past with alcoholism in her family. We talked about and and I told her it would not come up again but eventually it did and we had our first break up. This one did not last too long but I made her a promise that I would not do it again but after a few months I slipped up again. This cycle continued and it ended up happening three times in total.

 

She told me that she is in love with me and saw herself marrying me but has lost her attraction after seeing me in this state. I want to get better and I am going to speak with a counselor about my self-control issue but what can I do with her in the meantime? Should I continue trying to reach out to her or give her time.

 

We did not really have formal closure to our relationship she just kind of cut me off. I am still crazy about her and she is an incredible girl, I cannot forgive myself because I know that I caused these issues. We are both 27 and going out and partying is pretty common in our circle of friends. She has even gotten blackout drunk on me a few times and I have had to deal with her.

 

I know I broke promises and let her down. She said she is so heartbroken that this has happened to us. But my question is how can I fix this because that is all I want. I cannot think about anything else.

 

Firstly you shouldn't make promises that you can't keep. You should never have made a promise to never get sloppy drunk. It's almost like you set yourself up for failure. You are young and enjoy an evening out partying with your friends. At some point you was bound to get sloppy drunk unless you are t-total. Her issue with being drunk only seems to apply to you. Yours and her friends can be sloppy drunk, she can be sloppy drunk but you are not allowed. Talk about double standard. There is something wrong with this picture.

 

There's something wrong with what she's asked of you. What made you agree to her request?

 

If you have an alcohol problem then you should seek help. Is that the case?

[brokenheart1988]

Firstly you shouldn't make promises that you can't keep. You should never have made a promise to never get sloppy drunk. It's almost like you set yourself up for failure. You are young and enjoy an evening out partying with your friends. At some point you was bound to get sloppy drunk unless you are t-total. Her issue with being drunk only seems to apply to you. Yours and her friends can be sloppy drunk, she can be sloppy drunk but you are not allowed. Talk about double standard. There is something wrong with this picture.

 

There's something wrong with what she's asked of you. What made you agree to her request?

 

If you have an alcohol problem then you should seek help. Is that the case?

 

I have talked to my friends and family about my drinking and they do not think that I have a "problem" just that I can sometimes drink too much. Regardless it is still an issue I need to get under-control because there comes a point where that is no longer acceptable.

 

I agreed to her request because I saw how much it upset her and because she means so much to me. I honestly do want to get the binge drinking issue under control and I can manage it but during special events like birthdays, etc I slip up.

 

When I ask her about the double standard her response is that she is not as bad as me.

[266696687]

I have talked to my friends and family about my drinking and they do not think that I have a "problem" just that I can sometimes drink too much. Regardless it is still an issue I need to get under-control because there comes a point where that is no longer acceptable.

 

I agreed to her request because I saw how much it upset her and because she means so much to me. I honestly do want to get the binge drinking issue under control and I can manage it but during special events like birthdays, etc I slip up.

 

When I ask her about the double standard her response is that she is not as bad as me.

 

To me you are taking too much responsibility for her problem here. She has a problem with you being drunk. It upsets her. This is solely her issue. If she has a problem with alcoholism (due to family issues) then she would hold herself to the same standard she holds you too rather than excusing her behaviour with 'she's not as bad as you'. If she seriously has an issue with her partner drinking then she should date someone who doesn't drink.

 

It's ridiculous. Not only a double standard but she's being a hypocrite.

 

Look stand up for yourself.

 

You get a bit carried away on special occasions like most people do.

 

I'm assuming she knew you drank before you started dating?

 

She knows who you are so she can either accept you as you are with the very occasional sloppy drunk behaviour or she can walk. You need to make a stand here. She is walking all over you. It actually comes across as if she is trying to control you via your drinking. Do as you're told not as I do sort of attitude.

 

I'd be saying something different if she herself wasn't getting sloppy drunk. The only drunk she has an issue with is you. Does she get upset when she gets drunk? Or your friends?

 

Again either she believes you have an alcohol problem (in which case she shouldn't be taking you out to drink at all) or she has an issue particularly with the way you behave when drunk or there's something else at play here.

 

It just doesn't add up.

 

Have you asked her if she thinks you have an alcohol problem? If so, what does she say?

[d0nnivain]

If she was a complete tea-totaler maybe she'd have room to talk but if she gets black out drunk that is a problem.

 

If you think you have a problem with alcohol, address it. Go to AA on line & read. Educate yourself. If you can't stop or slow down, perhaps you do need a program. But getting sloppy when you drink is par for the course. Alcohol decreases motor function & makes you uncoordinated.

[brokenheart1988]

To me you are taking too much responsibility for her problem here. She has a problem with you being drunk. It upsets her. This is solely her issue. If she has a problem with alcoholism (due to family issues) then she would hold herself to the same standard she holds you too rather than excusing her behaviour with 'she's not as bad as you'. If she seriously has an issue with her partner drinking then she should date someone who doesn't drink.

 

It's ridiculous. Not only a double standard but she's being a hypocrite.

 

Look stand up for yourself.

 

You get a bit carried away on special occasions like most people do.

 

I'm assuming she knew you drank before you started dating?

 

She knows who you are so she can either accept you as you are with the very occasional sloppy drunk behaviour or she can walk. You need to make a stand here. She is walking all over you. It actually comes across as if she is trying to control you via your drinking. Do as you're told not as I do sort of attitude.

 

I'd be saying something different if she herself wasn't getting sloppy drunk. The only drunk she has an issue with is you. Does she get upset when she gets drunk? Or your friends?

 

Again either she believes you have an alcohol problem (in which case she shouldn't be taking you out to drink at all) or she has an issue particularly with the way you behave when drunk or there's something else at play here.

 

It just doesn't add up.

 

Have you asked her if she thinks you have an alcohol problem? If so, what does she say?

 

She has not directly said that she thinks that I have an alcohol problem only that she has a problem when I drink too much.

 

When I ask her why it is okay for her to go out and get sloppy drunk she says that she does not do it as much as I do. Since she made it extremely aware to me that this behavior bothered her it occurred two times.

 

I do not understand how someone can say that they love you so much and want to spend the rest of their life with you but then be so turned off by something someone is working on. Her reasoning is that seeing me drunk kills her attraction for me. Then I go into overdrive trying to repair things which I know is a mistake.

[elaine567]

There is a big difference between getting drunk over the course of an evening amongst friends and going at it at 100 mph and getting totally wasted whilst everyone else is just feeling a bit happy.

I guess this is what the gf doesn't like.

She is busy mopping him off the floor, whilst others are still lucent and having a good time.

[brokenheart1988]

There is a big difference between getting drunk over the course of an evening amongst friends and going at it at 100 mph and getting totally wasted whilst everyone else is just feeling a bit happy.

I guess this is what the gf doesn't like.

She is busy mopping him off the floor, whilst others are still lucent and having a good time.

 

That is entirely not the case. I have never gotten to the point where I need to be taken care of or carried home. I have not gotten sick from drinking in years but she finds it unattractive when I have drunk face and slur my words. Which I totally get and I am getting help for.

[266696687]

That is entirely not the case. I have never gotten to the point where I need to be taken care of or carried home. I have not gotten sick from drinking in years but she finds it unattractive when I have drunk face and slur my words. Which I totally get and I am getting help for.

 

Look you're in a tough spot but trying to placate her with promises of you wont get drunk ever again for as long as you are together are NOT going to get her back. It makes you look like you are trying to change yourself to be with her. You won't get respect for pandering to her every whim. This is her problem.

 

If I was you I'd tell her straight up and honestly that if she doesn't accept you get drunk once in a while exactly like she does then YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH HER. You're relationship is never going to work if your relationship isn't equal. At the moment it's not. She is telling you not to get drunk but then is doing exactly that herself.

 

Walk away. Tell her you can get drunk with your friends on a night out the same as she can, whatever problem she has with you being drunk is HER problem. She can either accept it or walk away. The choice is hers.

 

You need to be strong enough to make a stand to let her know you are willing to let her go if she cannot get over this issue. Tell her to find someone who doesnt drink. The whole thing is a bit ridiculous. - telling her this might make her think twice.

Edited May 5, 2016 by 266696687

[brokenheart1988]

Look you're in a tough spot but trying to placate her with promises of you wont get drunk ever again for as long as you are together are NOT going to get her back. It makes you look like you are trying to change yourself to be with her. You won't get respect for pandering to her every whim. This is her problem.

 

If I was you I'd tell her straight up and honestly that if she doesn't accept you get drunk once in a while exactly like she does then YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH HER. You're relationship is never going to work if your relationship isn't equal. At the moment it's not. She is telling you not to get drunk but then is doing exactly that herself.

 

Walk away. Tell her you can get drunk with your friends on a night out the same as she can, whatever problem she has with you being drunk is HER problem. She can either accept it or walk away. The choice is hers.

 

You need to be strong enough to make a stand to let her know you are willing to let her go if she cannot get over this issue. Tell her to find someone who doesnt drink. The whole thing is a bit ridiculous. - telling her this might make her think twice.

 

I appreciate the reality check and I will stand my ground. Ultimately it was needs to be done if we ever want to have a successful relationship again. Thank you for the advice.