Break up after 4 years

[sandrawen]

Would really appreciate your opinion/advice here.

 

My ex fiance is 34 and i am 30. We dated for 4 years before he broke up with me almost 2 months ago. We started off in a long distance relationship for a year after meeting at a biz trip, he then moved to Singapore to be with me for 2 years before we relocated to Denmark to be close to his family and friends.

 

He dropped the bomb on me one night (i shld have seen it coming, he was acting distant 1-2 weeks prior but lied when i asked if anything was wrong). I was completely wrecked and we spent the entire night crying and getting really emotional – u know the drill. The next day he seemed to have a change of heart but stopped short at taking the breakup back – he wanted space instead and said he wld move out for a week to “think about things”. He said he wasn’t sure that what he felt for me was just “protectiveness” i.e afraid to hurt me or love.

 

He never moved back. Over the course of the next 3 weeks we met up once or twice every week to talk and his reasons kept evolving – from blaming me for not being able to build a social life for myself in denmark and thus crowding him at home (he is the type that needs a fair bit of alone time), to maybe we are incompatible, to him possibly going through an early mid life crisis and questioning everything, to the spark had fizzled, then eventually landing on him being the problem – he had a fair bit of resentment and doubts built up over the past years due to his inability to voice his unhappiness over issues (about us), even with our impending wedding – he had been feeling doubtful for a long time now but did not want bring it up and hurt me. Now he is more confused than ever and couldn’t make a choice if he still wanted the relationship.

 

After the 3 weeks, i couldn’t take it anymore and said that it is best we break up – with me pushing him for an answer we weren’t getting anywhere, and everytime we met up it always got emotional and we would both be crying, sometimes him more than me. He responded that he thought about that but was afraid that i wld shut him up and move on if he broke up with me. He then said that he is not looking to move on, wld take the time to do some proper thinking, fix his issues and MAYBE one day we can get back together. Ironically i felt that through the breakup i managed to get abit of the “old” him back . I felt hopeful that night and left the door open….

 

I then left for a biz trip for a week and had the time to properly digest what happened… i eventually decided that i could not sit around and wait for someone who may or may not come back, i needed to move on. So when i got back, i asked to meet up and told him that. He looked a little sad and said that he needs more time to think, can’t promise anything and he wld be a terrible boyfriend if he came back now. I accepted it and we both cried again before saying goodbye.

 

A week later i sent him an email for closure – said that it is not necessary to reply, but i want to let him know that i accept that he needs to be alone now and thanked him for the past 4 years. 2 weeks later i sent him another mail asking him to clear all his remaining stuff out of our apartment. He replied saying that he is sorry he didn’t reply my “closure” email, he didn’t really know what to say but will reply when he does. He will also pick up his stuff the following week. I feel that i cannot trust his words, he said he wld send me letters when we parted, but never did. And him apologising for not replying that email and saying he will – i don’t expect anything from him to be honest.

 

Deep in my heart i know that i’m doing the right thing to set him free, but its been almost 2 months and i still love and miss him so much. Do you guys think we still have a chance?

[S2B]

I think you did the right thing - for yourself - and for your own self respect.

 

If any guy doesn't know after 4 years at that age then he may never know.

 

I hope you will go out and get busy living! You deserve to have a happy and healthy life. I hope you will!

[sandrawen]

Thank you! Trying hard NC now for 3 weeks with the exception of closure email and asking him to clear his stuff.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

He seems extremely confused and that is a very bad sign. You need to ask yourself, even though you were together for 4 years, why would you want to continue something with someone that is this confused and keeps changing their mind on you like an on-off switch? That isn't fair on you.

3 months ago my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me for a similar reason, she felt 'confused' and 'didn't know what she wanted'. She said she is questioning if we are meant to be together even though she showed no signs of distance and was still telling me she loved me, even after the breakup. It's been 3 months, and I still have yet to hear from her. I'm assuming she's doing fine with herself.

 

If there is a chance of reconciling, it sounds hard but you need to get OVER him first. You guys can't continue the relationship you were in, that relationship is over and dead. You guys need time apart to reevaluate yourselves as individuals first before your relationship. Something in his mind gave him the benefit of doubt about you and he needs to figure out what it is on his own. If he decides to come back apologizing and wanting you back, you need to ask yourself what makes it so sure he won't do this again in the future?

Seriously, go hardcore no contact on this guy. Ignore any messages or phone calls, just disappear from him. Once you guys take time to heal and reflect on things and all can be forgiven, then maybe you can take things slow.

 

You did the right thing, but PLEASE don't take this guy back the moment he tries to come back in your life apologizing because you miss his company. Good luck.

[sandrawen]

Thanks Averyconfused guy,

 

Indeed sounds like we are in a similar situation. I hope u keep going strong with yr NC as well - we both deserve so much better!