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On the Verge of a Breakup


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shadowsfall

Backstory: My girlfriend (29) and I (31) have been together for 6 years. We are best friends, have many common interests, and hardly ever fight. However, she has always kept our relationship and living situation (last 4 years) a secret from her parents because they are incredibly strict Christians. They also support her financially (last 6 years), giving her the chance to focus full time on landing her dream job in the entertainment industry. Her unwillingness to be honest with her parents and the guilt she harbors from disobeying them has become too much for her to handle any longer.

 

Current issue: Our lease ended last month and we both agreed to stop living together in an attempt to see if this would put her more at ease. However, I made the decision to move out of state for a year or two and live rent-free with a parent so I can go back to college full time and develop a new career. My girlfriend ended up moving in with a friend of hers. She was completely supportive of my decision and thought it was a great opportunity since I have been struggling to find my calling, professionally speaking, for many years.

 

However, after one week of moving out of state, her communication almost completely stopped. She would rarely return my texts, and would never initiate conversations with me over the phone. We had a conversation about it and she said that she wants some time alone to experience what it's like not having the relationship looming over her. She even acknowledged that it's risky doing so, but she feels compelled anyway. Now, I know she's struggled with this mentally for a while, but the fact that she said this only one week after I moved away completely blindsided me. I'm utterly devastated and still in shock. It has been two weeks since we have spoken. The last conversation left the ball in her court. I left the door open for her to call me once she figures out what she wants to do. I didn't want to rush to judgement and end the relationship in case she truly is just needing some temporary space.

 

As time goes on, I know the odds of reconciliation dwindle as we grow more comfortable with the silence. I'm completely torn between calling her and trying to work things out, or just leaving her alone, knowing that she can always call me if she wanted to talk. I already made the case for us remaining together on the call two weeks ago. To make matters worse, I feel incredibly depressed in my new city. It is a very rural area and there isn't much to do. I feel angry that she disappeared when she already knows I have been struggling in my new city and that this is a time when I would need her support the most. I'm completely torn between moving back home to at least try to give us the best chance at reconciliation or continue living out of state trying to develop my career. I don't know what to do in this situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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I was in a very similar situation with my ex girlfriend (7 years together) so I know exactly how you feel and it's horrible.

 

Basically with me, my ex had said to me a few times that she wanted to experience being with another man, as I was her first boyfriend and first serious relationship, and that she felt she was 'missing out' on something, and that she just had to experience being with someone else and would often ask me if I felt the same way, which I didn't. Anyway, needless to say that she is now with someone else, and had told me that the relationship hadn't become a priority for her anymore and that she wanted to see what it was like being single.

 

I heavily suspect this is what is happening with your girlfriend. If she really does have this burden on her from her family, then you going out of town and her saying what she did will feel like a weight off her shoulders to her personally. However, I must add that in my own opinion and experience (many times I often felt my girlfriend was ashamed of me as she would never post pictures of us together or tell her friends about me) , if your girlfriend is like that with her family, then that would be signs for me that as long as you have been together and as much as you love her, it's probably not right. If she cared for you as much, she wouldn't care what her parents thought about you being together. Don't get me wrong, everyone wants their parents blessing with a partner, but if the partners don't accept it then that's their problem.

 

She took the easy route out in my opinion. And this may also be a blessing for you. What I went through with my ex is something I'd never want anyone to go through in a break up. I was torn apart. For all purposes I may as well have been thrown to the Lions! ha.

 

I would concentrate on your studies/new career, that comes first and foremost. The area you are in may not be great, but there is always something. Have a very good look online for any activities/groups/clubs etc, or just people and see who or what is around you. As for your girlfriend...I would personally call her and have a good talk. Just for your peace of mind to see what is happening. It may not be easy or pretty, but at least you will know one way or the other. NOT knowing is the worst.

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You're not on the verge, you're broken up. Your ex clearly has a lot of growing up to do. A 29 year old woman should not be relying on mommy and daddy's money, I'd understand if she fell on hard times and needed some help, but SIX YEARS? And instead of actually getting a job so she didn't have to hide her relationship, she'd rather just lie to them and live with you behind their backs? To top it all off, you, her boyfriend of six years, move away and she does this weak little fade out breakup.

 

She's immature, she clearly doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore (talking about having a relationship "looming" over is never a good sign), and you two don't even live near each other now. You don't need to talk to her again. You put the ball in her court and she ran off to a different playground. Time to start living as if you're broken up, because you are.

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shadowsfall

@Steven1 - Thank you for sharing your experience and for offering up some advice. It's reassuring to know that there are others out there experienced enough to help guide those of us who are lost.

 

Basically with me, my ex had said to me a few times that she wanted to experience being with another man, as I was her first boyfriend and first serious relationship, and that she felt she was 'missing out' on something, and that she just had to experience being with someone else and would often ask me if I felt the same way, which I didn't. Anyway, needless to say that she is now with someone else, and had told me that the relationship hadn't become a priority for her anymore and that she wanted to see what it was like being single.

 

Like you, I too was my girlfriend's first everything. However, in my situation she never mentioned wanting to explore other options. I asked her two weeks ago if there was someone else and she gave me a resounding and honest "no." Time will tell, but I wholeheartedly believe that this all just stems from years of pent of guilt.

 

However, I must add that in my own opinion and experience (many times I often felt my girlfriend was ashamed of me as she would never post pictures of us together or tell her friends about me) , if your girlfriend is like that with her family, then that would be signs for me that as long as you have been together and as much as you love her, it's probably not right.

 

I too have had this experience, in several relationships. In my current, she uses her social media accounts exclusively for business marketing purposes. So there is very little advertised of her personal life online. However, the one exception is that she advertises that she is in a relationship with me on Facebook. I find that unusual, especially considering she is never one to tell guys who hit on her that she is in a relationship. She believes that in her industry there is a negative stigma attached to girls in relationships. And not that I'm saying FB's relationship status indicator is a reliable indicator of feelings, but isn't is still a good sign that she hasn't changed that after two weeks of NC? And it's not simply oversight, because she is meticulous about managing her social media accounts.

 

She took the easy route out in my opinion. And this may also be a blessing for you. What I went through with my ex is something I'd never want anyone to go through in a break up. I was torn apart. For all purposes I may as well have been thrown to the Lions! ha.

 

I agree, and I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy. I truly feel like a part of me has been dead during two weeks of NC. To make matters worse, I suffer from chronic neck pain and can't really life weights to get any aggression out. Walking does help though.

 

 

I would concentrate on your studies/new career, that comes first and foremost. The area you are in may not be great, but there is always something. Have a very good look online for any activities/groups/clubs etc, or just people and see who or what is around you. As for your girlfriend...I would personally call her and have a good talk. Just for your peace of mind to see what is happening. It may not be easy or pretty, but at least you will know one way or the other. NOT knowing is the worst

 

Good idea about looking into any community groups. I currently have no social life here at all, unless you include 2 dogs and 3 cats. I'm still on the fence about calling her. I'm reluctant because I don't want to say anything that makes me appear desperate or insecure. I may just get sucked in emotionally and lose my levelheadedness. I'll have to think on this some more.

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shadowsfall
You're not on the verge, you're broken up. Your ex clearly has a lot of growing up to do. A 29 year old woman should not be relying on mommy and daddy's money, I'd understand if she fell on hard times and needed some help, but SIX YEARS? And instead of actually getting a job so she didn't have to hide her relationship, she'd rather just lie to them and live with you behind their backs? To top it all off, you, her boyfriend of six years, move away and she does this weak little fade out breakup.

 

She's immature, she clearly doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore (talking about having a relationship "looming" over is never a good sign), and you two don't even live near each other now. You don't need to talk to her again. You put the ball in her court and she ran off to a different playground. Time to start living as if you're broken up, because you are.

 

@LD1990 - I really appreciate your candid advice. You definitely make strong points. I honestly can't tell if it is denial blinding me from accepting that we already broke up or whether this is something less serious. Surely her actions suggest the former. In any case, she surely has a lot of growing up to do. It's a shame she couldn't justify it on account of our relationship because we truly had many positive things going for us.

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To be honest when you are in this situation, you can receive the best advice in the world, but you won't process it properly until you come to terms with what is happening, and for that there is no time frame. Everyone is different. It could be days/weeks/months/longer. It took good few month before I came to terms with it properly. And even now, although I am speaking to another woman now and things are going well, I still have thoughts about my ex, they never really go as far as 'those' kind of thoughts, but I often wonder how she is doing, why it happened still etc. There's good days and bad.

 

If you feel you HAVE to call her to get it off your mind, then do it. I was the same. I texted her everything, and in the end she told me the truth about everything, and I felt as though a huge weight had gone from my shoulders afterwards.

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shadowsfall
To be honest when you are in this situation, you can receive the best advice in the world, but you won't process it properly until you come to terms with what is happening, and for that there is no time frame. Everyone is different. It could be days/weeks/months/longer. It took good few month before I came to terms with it properly. And even now, although I am speaking to another woman now and things are going well, I still have thoughts about my ex, they never really go as far as 'those' kind of thoughts, but I often wonder how she is doing, why it happened still etc. There's good days and bad.

 

If you feel you HAVE to call her to get it off your mind, then do it. I was the same. I texted her everything, and in the end she told me the truth about everything, and I felt as though a huge weight had gone from my shoulders afterwards.

 

Well, I broke NC after two weeks tonight. Like you, I ultimately decided that I had to have more clarity surrounding the conversation two weeks ago. She even agreed that another phone call was warranted however she was unclear as to whether she would have initiated it. Anyway, she told me that she needs to be alone for the foreseeable future. So we are officially broken up. I made several attempts to appeal her decision by citing positive aspects of the relationship because she pointed out that she was inexperienced and perhaps doesn't fully realize what she's giving up. She lacks other relationship reference points as I was her first everything. I quickly tried to remind her of how rare finding a good relationship like ours is, since I have a lot of dating experience.

 

Anyway, I'm beating myself up and ruminating over the conversation we had 3 weeks ago. I basically pressed her on why she wasn't really communicating with me after I moved away, and eventually I opened up the door for her to exit the relationship by asking her if she wants space. So I actually feel at least partially responsible for this outcome because of my neediness in requesting more frequent communication. That isn't to say things were great aside from that issue. I think that her lack of interest in communicating was certainly indicative of all the underlying issues she had in our relationship and she was probably disassociating in that way.

 

Lastly, I am left feeling upset at the prospect of never finding someone as beautiful or multi-talented as she. I feel like she is as good as it gets for me physically and emotionally. Currently, I'm in a small town where there aren't a lot of 'LA caliber' girls and I think my superficial side is getting the best of me. Not that I am planning on dating anytime soon but the prospects here are bleak. I feel like everyone else is going to pale in comparison. To make matters worse, I am now 31 years old, recently diagnosed with an incurable skin condition, chronic neck pain, no career prospects and living with my mother. I'm dreading being alone everyday when my mom heads to work as I just can't handle the solitude here or the fact that she's gone. This is one of the hardest situations I have ever been through in life.

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shadowsfall

I wanted to add that she mentioned after our conversation two weeks ago (prompting her need for space) that she was completely devastated about taking a break. So much so that she had to call a friend at midnight to vent. She was messed up for days apparently. Ultimately the break was her decision as I didn't need one but I was the one to bring it up and now regret it. Not that it's insane for someone to show emotion even when they are the one walking away, but if she was so devastated why did it continue? Her telling me this made me feel like I could have gone back in time and fixed things. Now, tonight (two weeks later), she acknowledged that she has grieved to the point of feeling numb. I'm really not trying to lament over the past but I can't help but feel that I should have reached out to her earlier instead of waiting two weeks or perhaps I shouldn't have brought up the break in the first place. I'm just a whirlwind of confusion right now.

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I wanted to add that she mentioned after our conversation two weeks ago (prompting her need for space) that she was completely devastated about taking a break. So much so that she had to call a friend at midnight to vent. She was messed up for days apparently. Ultimately the break was her decision as I didn't need one but I was the one to bring it up and now regret it. Not that it's insane for someone to show emotion even when they are the one walking away, but if she was so devastated why did it continue? Her telling me this made me feel like I could have gone back in time and fixed things. Now, tonight (two weeks later), she acknowledged that she has grieved to the point of feeling numb. I'm really not trying to lament over the past but I can't help but feel that I should have reached out to her earlier instead of waiting two weeks or perhaps I shouldn't have brought up the break in the first place. I'm just a whirlwind of confusion right now.

 

Dumpers go through their own grieving process and emotional turmoil. So yes, it is normal that she would cry a lot and be upset about the break up. Being upset for her probably just means that she is upset for change, and it's hard to hurt someone you love. Change is hard for any of us. Her crying and being upset does not mean that she wants to get back together though. Don't take that as a sign of something that it isn't. She probably did go through a lot of emotional turmoil for deciding to end this for good. She has already gone to her grieving process while in the relationship.

 

Don't beat yourself up. I don't think you could've changed anything. She likely made this decision along time ago, probably months ago, but it took her a while to work up the courage to do it. In fact, she might have been waiting until the lease was up to make her move.

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I agree with the post above. It would've happened anyway and was already in the works. She was likely trying to muster up the courage to pull the trigger. As for all the turmoil and crying, my ex guy did all that and then some, but not due to wanting to get back with me. At the time that is what I thought it meant, but I was wrong. He had jumped right into a new relationship and was still in turmoil over the breakup that he initiated. Turns out it is very common for a dumper to have those moments. Don't try to figure out, it will get you nowhere.

 

There was only one time I cried as a dumper, and that was because I didn't want it to end but knew it needed to. Maybe that's where my ex was...Maybe that's where your ex is/was too.

 

As for your other concerns, being 31, etc., you are taking steps to embark on a new career, illness shouldn't be an issue for the right lady, and you will not be living with your mother/in a small town forever. This is temporary, so don't let that get you down either. Don't go to the dark side with your thoughts on your current situation. Think on the good things, not the bad. Everyone will pale in comparison to her right now, but that won't last forever. Give it time, do the work to heal and you'll be just fine.

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shadowsfall
Dumpers go through their own grieving process and emotional turmoil. So yes, it is normal that she would cry a lot and be upset about the break up. Being upset for her probably just means that she is upset for change, and it's hard to hurt someone you love. Change is hard for any of us. Her crying and being upset does not mean that she wants to get back together though. Don't take that as a sign of something that it isn't. She probably did go through a lot of emotional turmoil for deciding to end this for good. She has already gone to her grieving process while in the relationship.

 

Don't beat yourself up. I don't think you could've changed anything. She likely made this decision along time ago, probably months ago, but it took her a while to work up the courage to do it. In fact, she might have been waiting until the lease was up to make her move.

 

You are absolutely right. I was probably trying to stay hopeful by misconstruing her sadness for interest, instead of sadness for change. And yes, she definitely made this decision long ago but was too afraid to initiate the discussion. She's the first one to admit that she is afraid of confrontation and isn't always the best communicator. I was willing to overlook this and other negative attributes because I loved her. She was likely just waiting for me to approach her about it and fortunately, she got her wish. However, she has had plenty of time to make peace with the decision, where as I am still in shock as to how much things unraveled so quickly upon moving away. I seriously cannot believe that she will no longer be a part of my life. She was so sweet for so many years and was my best friend who was inseparable. I really thought distancing myself from her physically would provide her the space needed but according to her now, the mere idea of being in any relationship invokes thoughts of guilt (toward her parents), which she can no longer bear. I am happy that she feels liberated but am saddened that she appears to have such a negative takeaway from our relationship, which diminishes my hopes of any future reconciliation effort. I'm trying not to beat myself up as this was likely inevitable but it is incredibly difficult to accept that I couldn't do anything to salvage the situation.

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I agree with the post above. It would've happened anyway and was already in the works. She was likely trying to muster up the courage to pull the trigger. As for all the turmoil and crying, my ex guy did all that and then some, but not due to wanting to get back with me. At the time that is what I thought it meant, but I was wrong. He had jumped right into a new relationship and was still in turmoil over the breakup that he initiated. Turns out it is very common for a dumper to have those moments. Don't try to figure out, it will get you nowhere.

 

There was only one time I cried as a dumper, and that was because I didn't want it to end but knew it needed to. Maybe that's where my ex was...Maybe that's where your ex is/was too.

 

As for your other concerns, being 31, etc., you are taking steps to embark on a new career, illness shouldn't be an issue for the right lady, and you will not be living with your mother/in a small town forever. This is temporary, so don't let that get you down either. Don't go to the dark side with your thoughts on your current situation. Think on the good things, not the bad. Everyone will pale in comparison to her right now, but that won't last forever. Give it time, do the work to heal and you'll be just fine.

 

Yes, she was definitely upset because she knew it needed to end. I was probably living in denial half the time out of fear. The red flags have been there for a while though, lack of emotional and physical intimacy, wanting her own living space. She put up with me living with her over the past year because I was having some health issues. She said that she got so lost in taking care/worrying about me that she lost herself. I honestly don't know what she meant by that because she was always busy with her own life, away from me. Perhaps she meant she was distracted by me mentally in worrying all the time. How does someone make the leap from caring/worrying about someone so much to now cutting me off completely? If she really cared so strongly and loved me as much as she claimed, I don't see how she wouldn't periodically check in with me in my new city, rather than acting like she doesn't care. She knows I am struggling. I will heed you advice and stop trying to make sense of it all. Ultimately, it's over and the sooner I began the acceptance phase, the better I will feel.

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement about my present circumstances, in which I feel stuck. It certainly is just temporary but I know that I will have to leave eventually as I just do not fit in here. The thought of going back to my home state seems incredibly painful. I have 6 years of memories with her in the area I would be moving back to and if I did go back, I would have a resurgence in those painful memories that cannot heal from here. So, I almost feel like I can't even go back to my home state now. I realize with time that things may get easier, but there will me many moments back in my home state where certain things/areas remind me of her and I just don't think I can face it.

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I am just going vent here as I have been having an extremely rough time with NC after our last phone call 2 days ago. In retrospect, I did a lot of things on that call that were probably counterproductive if my goal was to get someone who wishes to be alone to come back to me. I asked her repeatedly, if I moved back to her area, if we can try having a casual relationship, taking it slowly and going at her pace. Every time I was met with a "No, I just don't think that is a good idea right now." I tried reminding her of all the pleasant memories that we shared and can still have and that if we were to reconcile, things wouldn't have to be as stressful for her. I obviously can't promise that as the mere notion of her being in a relationship at this point is haunting her psyche.

 

I can't accept that this is the end, and that this is how she chose to behave in the end. Distant, closed off, and unwavering in her reluctance to try to find common ground. This was such a contrast to 5 weeks ago when we were living together and things seemed 'normal.' It's like I'm dealing with a jekyll and hyde scenario, or more likely, someone who was putting their best face forward until our lease ended. I can't believe she wouldn't at least want to try compromising in someway to see if it could be done. I was her first everything and was her best and only friend for 6 years when she moved to LA. Now she associates with people who she's only known for 6 months. I even asked her about that and she said they aren't really friends but acquaintances. So she acknowledges that she doesn't have any deep meaningful relationships, and is willing to give up the one person with whom she had? Maybe she prefers shallow, superficial relations versus anything of substance. This wouldn't be completely out of line with LA entertainment culture, in which superficiality runs rampant.

 

The thing I am struggling with the most right now is feeling like she wasn't even willing to fight for us. She just gave up and resigned to the feeling that it was hopeless. She must have really hated our relationship given the way she acted on the way out. Now I'm sitting here in my mom's house, at 31 years old, in a very rural new city, with no friends and all the time in the world to think about her. Every minute I want to call her and beg her to work through this with me.

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I came here because you liked my post, and I know the type of girl you're dealing with all too well. I'm from the south and my ex girl comes from a super strict backward society as well. Eventhough I didn't live with her and it was only a year, I know what you're going through with the fickle attitude.

 

You gotta realize women follow emotions and chemicals, there's no logic. She probably got in with these people and is curious if she follows what they do would she be happier than spending the rest of her life with you. That comment about guilt and her family for being in a relationship was utter BS.

 

Honestly man, she was planning this for months, I wouldn't be suprised if she's got some side options she's strung along. The crying thing isn't sadness for leaving the relationship, it's sadness that she spent the time with you and realizes the settled down lifestyle isn't for her right now.

 

The only other way you could have possibly prevented this was to marry her years ago. She probably sees the flashy stuff on Instagram and wants to feel social validation her self, and with you she feels trapped.

 

It's over dude, I don't know what to tell you, I've been broken up with the love of my life for 5 months, and 4 months NC, and I still think about her daily. Just take it day by day, drink a bit and go through the motions. They say time heals it all but that time doesn't need to be spent feeling everything.

 

There's nothing you could have done man, just focus on yourself and be the best you. She will come back probably, make sure when she does you've moved on emotionally and look better.

 

Focus on school and family. For me, mine dumped me when I was abroad doing my masters alone so it sucked hard, you've got family so lean on them a bit. Stay strong man, the crying fits stop after a couple months you realize it's all chemical addiction withdrawal like a crack addict. Don't get down on yourself or look backward, keep looking forward and have hope for the future

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stillafool

Even if you do move back she will not come back. She is tasting freedom and is more than likely dating other guys by now. Don't call her because as you said you left the ball in her court and knows where you are if she wants to reach you. I I were you I would start trying to get over her.

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stillafool

Do follow through with your plans to find your career. It will raise your self esteem and keep your mind busy. Also it will make you more attractive to her as well as othe women. She isn't going to be attracted to a man, living in a rural area, sitting by the phone moping. I lived in L.A. when a young woman and I can tell you there is much fun to be had at her age and as a single woman. So don't just sit around it's time to start your life too.

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I even asked her about that and she said they aren't really friends but acquaintances. So she acknowledges that she doesn't have any deep meaningful relationships, and is willing to give up the one person with whom she had?

 

What dumpers tell the person they dumped is 90 to 100 percent BS, so you need to stop analyzing what she says because it really doesn't matter. You're trying to use her words to solve this like the relationship is a puzzle you need to put back together, if you can only find the right combination of words and actions to get her back.

 

A light bulb went off in my head almost a week after my breakup. My ex had been giving me false hope, only to snatch it away, off and on since the time we had broken up. She came over one day to get some things, as we'd lived together, we talked, and she told me before she left that we'd be together no matter what. Then I thought about it and realized "She says all this, but every time she comes over she takes more of her stuff with her." So while it still hurt when she texted me that night to say how she had to stick with her decision to move on, I expected it. Words mean nothing. Actions tell you all you need to know.

 

You have to accept that it's over. Like you, I spent too much time analyzing everything my ex said or did, looking for signs she wanted to get back together or ways I could get her back. Life got a whole lot better when I decided that I was done playing games, that I was gonna have a bad ass life, and it was her loss that she wouldn't be a part of it.

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drewbee30
What dumpers tell the person they dumped is 90 to 100 percent BS, so you need to stop analyzing what she says because it really doesn't matter. You're trying to use her words to solve this like the relationship is a puzzle you need to put back together, if you can only find the right combination of words and actions to get her back.

 

A light bulb went off in my head almost a week after my breakup. My ex had been giving me false hope, only to snatch it away, off and on since the time we had broken up. She came over one day to get some things, as we'd lived together, we talked, and she told me before she left that we'd be together no matter what. Then I thought about it and realized "She says all this, but every time she comes over she takes more of her stuff with her." So while it still hurt when she texted me that night to say how she had to stick with her decision to move on, I expected it. Words mean nothing. Actions tell you all you need to know.

 

You have to accept that it's over. Like you, I spent too much time analyzing everything my ex said or did, looking for signs she wanted to get back together or ways I could get her back. Life got a whole lot better when I decided that I was done playing games, that I was gonna have a bad ass life, and it was her loss that she wouldn't be a part of it.

 

From what I have learned after my past 2 relationships having been dumped in both, you are right. The dumpers BS you. It's not till a couple months after, which was the case for me, that the light-bulb went off.

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You gotta realize too man she used you financially to stay in that appt cheaper than it would have been. You shouldn't have to try as hard as you are, healthy relationships flow until one of the people gets a better offer from someone else then picks fights and leaves saying it's all your fault; girls are notorious for this its all mind games so don't play it.

 

Put yourself in her shoes, she doesn't care about you, don't waste either of your times trying to change her emotions with logical words. She 'feels' she doesn't want to be with you so let it be. She's not fighting for the relationship cause she doesn't want it.

 

If I were you id be a little pissed about her never telling her parents about you either. I honestly think a larger portion of the relationship was a bigger lie than you think dude.

 

Get good grades, work on your health, and remove this girl from your life, she doesn't want you so **** her. Love yourself brother, have some self respect, you don't need her validation. Stay strong man.

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Put yourself in her shoes, she doesn't care about you, don't waste either of your times trying to change her emotions with logical words. She 'feels' she doesn't want to be with you so let it be. She's not fighting for the relationship cause she doesn't want it.

 

If I were you id be a little pissed about her never telling her parents about you either. I honestly think a larger portion of the relationship was a bigger lie than you think dude.

 

Get good grades, work on your health, and remove this girl from your life, she doesn't want you so **** her. Love yourself brother, have some self respect, you don't need her validation. Stay strong man.

 

John, I really appreciate your perspective and words of encouragement, good sir. I can definitely use it at the moment. I completely agree that there is no amount of logic I can use to combat her emotional stance. That's not something that's very intuitive to me but I have been more accepting of that fact today than I was yesterday, so maybe tomorrow will be even better.

 

I will say that I don't think the religious/parental guilt was ever some excuse though. This problem dates back to early in our relationship and has always been a recurring theme. And I can say with some certainty that there is no other man in her life that she is running off with, although she is beautiful enough for that (and just won a regional beauty pageant that I helped her prepare for). I know it may sound like I'm in denial but I know it's not another guy and it's for the exact same reason she didn't want me. She has always had some SERIOUS emotional and religious conflicts as it pertains to relationships stemming from her overbearing religious mother (korean). Some will say that those children will eventually run from that kind of control, but she feels safer with it, even if it impacts her individuality. She told me months ago that she is happiest when her parents are happy. Specific reasons why I know it's not another guy: She had no sex drive even after trying different birth control (not even during honeymoon phase due to religious guilt/shame), recently got off birth control (always hated being on it) and will never go back on because she had awful hormonal side effects (so if there is another guy, they won't be having sex as she is TERRIFIED of getting pregnant), recurring theme that she feels guilty doing ANYTHING that her parents wouldn't approve of up to and including casually dating someone. Trust me, I've dated a number of girls, and this one is unique. She isn't like other girls who actually crave/desire relationships with guys (for reasons aforementioned), which ultimately is what did us in. She loves being alone and under her parents control.

 

I bring this up not to defend her or to defend my ego from the possibility of someone else in her life, but to showcase how her unique behavior will lead to a unique breakup situation, whereby she does not jump to another like so many other ex's in these threads. That she truly just wants to be alone, with her friend and parents, innocently enough and away from guilty behavior. Her behavior was a double-edged sword for me. On one hand, I wasn't fully satisfied sexually, but on the other hand I knew that she would never cheat on me because of all of her emotional hangups, and I was willing to live with that trade off. Ultimately, I chose loyalty over sex. Many will point out that I shouldn't have to make that trade-off or even tolerate a person with these issues and I think I mainly did so because I grew unhealthily attached to her. I made her the center of my universe, ignored my friends and fantasized about our inevitable future together. Obviously that behavior was unhealthy and I've learned from it but it makes it all the more difficult when she leaves and I'm left in the state of isolation I created for myself.

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shadowsfall
Words mean nothing. Actions tell you all you need to know.

 

You have to accept that it's over. Like you, I spent too much time analyzing everything my ex said or did, looking for signs she wanted to get back together or ways I could get her back. Life got a whole lot better when I decided that I was done playing games, that I was gonna have a bad ass life, and it was her loss that she wouldn't be a part of it.

 

Very true, LD, thank you. I'm trying to remember that life WILL get better as soon as I stop chasing after those who don't SHOW me they care. At this point it's just difficult to accept that someone who was such an integral part of my life as of 4 weeks ago has disappeared when I needed her the most (during the move). Here one day, gone the next, as though I never really mattered.

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Even if you do move back she will not come back. She is tasting freedom and is more than likely dating other guys by now. Don't call her because as you said you left the ball in her court and knows where you are if she wants to reach you. I I were you I would start trying to get over her.

 

Do follow through with your plans to find your career. It will raise your self esteem and keep your mind busy. Also it will make you more attractive to her as well as othe women. She isn't going to be attracted to a man, living in a rural area, sitting by the phone moping. I lived in L.A. when a young woman and I can tell you there is much fun to be had at her age and as a single woman. So don't just sit around it's time to start your life too.

 

It's the hardest thing in the world to let go of someone with whom your life revolved around. Clearly it wasn't a smart idea to place her on such a pedestal, so lesson learned. I'm fighting the urge to call her everyday because I just can't accept after all we've been through that this is the way she behaves in the end. Cold and uncompromising. I will try to move on, though, I'm not looking forward to the grieving process ahead. My last relationship before her was only 3 years (half the time of this one) and that one took me 2 years to fully get over.

 

I completely agree that a career-oriented person is generally a more attractive person and I plan to go forward with my studies. However, trying to fully immerse myself in the material while these thoughts consume me is going to be a challenge. Thank you for your advice!

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The crying thing isn't sadness for leaving the relationship, it's sadness that she spent the time with you and realizes the settled down lifestyle isn't for her right now.

 

This had also crossed my mind during our discussion last week. She is an aspiring actress who has been struggling for 6 years to break-in (not that it's easy) and so she feels very pressed for time. Parental support is dwindling somewhat and she's not getting any younger. I asked her if she felt like I ever got in the way of her career and she said no, that she had no regrets. I'm sure her sadness is directed at both the time element and the fact that she may not want to end it but feels like she has to (as one very eloquent LS member pointed out).

 

The only other way you could have possibly prevented this was to marry her years ago./QUOTE]

 

This actually haunts me frequently. She actually brought it up a year go and said that maybe we should just get married so that her parents are more accepting of us living together. I never for a moment thought she would do this though because it still jeopardizes her cash flow from them which is tied to her acting pursuits, which comes before anything in her life. I really wonder if I had been able to support her financially (never was in position) whether she would have felt more comfortable detaching from her parents. If I had the income, I wouldn't have hesitated if it meant we could move forward.

 

She will come back probably, make sure when she does you've moved on emotionally and look better.

 

I certainly hope she does realize what a great person she lost and comes back. She constantly complimented me about what a smart and compassionate person I am. On top of that, I'm not a bad looking guy either. I guess for some people, no matter what you can offer, it's never enough.

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I just wanted to say that for everyone who has given me advice about developing my career, focusing on my health, and moving on from her, your comments have not gone unnoticed. I thank you wholeheartedly and plan to begin focusing on those aspects immediately. My replies may seem like I'm missing the point of moving on by rehashing the past, but it is well understood. I'm just looking to shed some emotional baggage while I slowly make my way toward the acceptance phase.

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Just a couple things mate,

 

It's like I'm staring into a mirror when you talk about the sex drive/religious thing; everything you said I experienced too. My girl grew up with a single mother, her dad was a loser, and she was very strict spiritually religious; her mother pretty much rules her life. 23 years old and never went away for college, shes still living at home with her mother and sister, very sheltered life. My ex and I waited nearly 11 months before we had sex the first time, her first time, and it wasnt easy. After that it all went down hill and we were broken up in a couple weeks.

 

Problem is that as a women they want to be dominated and lead, but this is conflicted with illogical religious thinking so it causes constant stress. She struggled with trying to keep me satisfied sexually while not ''sinning'' before marriage, eventhough she wanted to badly, but felt shame or like she was going against her mothers belief system. Thing was I intended on marrying this girl when I returned home (as I will return in 2 weeks). I know the problem with ''low sex drive'' and ''terrified of getting pregnant'' cause these are themes brought up during my time as well (single mother, etc.). I too made compromises to be unsatisfied sexually for nearly a year because I wanted her to be comfortable and ultimately time didnt make her any more comfortable. It's really just the religion, there's nothing you can do or say regardless of how much you try to show them you love them. Theres also a level of narcissism in there somewhere.

 

I really believe theres an emotional trauma that religious girls go through and it makes them unworthy of time anymore. I too followed the desire for wanting a good girl, marriage, and all that, but at the end of the day it's irrational and most end up nut cases anyways. They inevitably want to experience ''more'' and will break it off or cheat down the road.

 

As far as no other man, she just wants to be alone, thats the case right now. She knows youre not the one for her so she broke it off, but as soon as something else comes along that she likes, she won't hesitate as it will probably help her move out of her friends house and/or help the career and emotional baggage of her relationship with you.

 

 

I too was abandoned, but you have a mother to lean on, mine died a little over a year ago (we were extremely close too). Dealing with that loss, then the loss of the love of your life, 4 months no contact, all while trying to complete an expedited masters of business all alone on the other side of the world in a foreign country man... it's been the roughest year and half of my life, I know exactly the feeling of being abandoned and having to struggle for yourself, believe me. It's why I keep emphasizing self validation and self worth; **** everyone man, do you because you are all that matters in the world, fight for yourself.

 

 

You said you hope she realizes what she lost some day, and I'm telling you the only way that will happen is if you disappear completely in order to gather yourself emotionally and focus on bettering your own life. If she comes back within the next 2-3 months man, don't respond... DO NOT RESPOND.... all shes doing is trying to make sure she's still got you hooked, it will only give you false hope. It's gotta be atleast 6 months for the dust to settle. Luckily you are not in the same state so it will be easier, but really you gotta just spend the next 2 months moping around and being miserable, hate to say it. It's only been the last month for me (since the break up in december), that I've been able to breath and see somewhat through the fog. Just realize this happens to everyone, it will make you stronger, and it's all in your head man. It's all chemical addiction.

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