Tangerinek Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 (edited) Hi everyone, Long story short, my ex broke up with me a month and 1 week ago, we dated for 3 months (met online) but things moved very quickly. There was instant attraction and he was relentless in his chase (flowers, shows, dinners, introduced me to friends and family within 3 weeks). We traveled together and had a lot of strong memories, he admitted to falling for me and I was already in love with him. Unfortunately I made two mistakes: 1. during one of our trips my previous ex-boyfriend (who I dated for 5 years, its been nearly two years since that break up) checked in on my pet in my apartment and was texting me. He current ex saw and I was honest with him. He got very angry, which I didn't understand at the time because I had no feelings whatsoever for my ex. I thought the issue had blown over when things seemed to resort to normal. I had gotten my key back from my 5 year ex and weened him off his dependency on me (he was sick and depressed). My recent guy and I were rolling along fine again when we returned from the trip. After an intense week of him meeting my mom and I meeting his brother and some other of his friends, we had our first fight. 2. During the fight there was a huge miscommunication, he said I gained some weight (I fluctuate between 85 and 95 lbs) and I was hurt and stressed and lashed out at him. The miscommunication was that he was talking about his goals and I said "I don't give a **** about those things" I meant I didn't care about superficial things like weight and looks, but I believe the timing of what I said made it sound like I said "I didn't give a **** about your life goals" I didn't realize this until much later after the break up. I walked out but immediately returned to apologize. This fight hurt both of us. He broke up with me 4 days later and has removed all traces of me from his life. I was heartbroken because I had just opened up to him and I loved him dearly. He explained that the reason for the break up was that he wasn't sure about us anymore, he wanted space and the last thing he communicated was that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I went silent for a month to heal because I hadn't worked out yet the above two mistakes that I made and thought he had broken up with me just because he no longer cared. He didn't reach out at all during that time. The last time I texted him he said he's made a lot of changes (job, living) and he's glad he ended things with me. I've cried every day since the break up and I think of him constantly. I love him and regret these mistakes thoroughly. I want to be able to tell him face to face but he has avoided me. I'm planning to give him another two weeks of space and then ask to meet him. I love him and want the best for him, even if that person isn't me. At this point I just want to apologize. But I also feel like it's too late. There are a couple of other things that make me think he may not think we're a good fit aside from these two things. He just won't give me a chance to hear me out. Edited April 10, 2016 by Tangerinek Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tangerinek Posted April 10, 2016 Author Share Posted April 10, 2016 My question is Should I give him more time? I want to do it face to face when I apologize. Should I write an email? I don't know what to do Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 YOU do not want to be with a man who thinks you need to lose weight when you fluctuate between 85 and 95 lbs... Unless of course you are 3 foot tall which I guess you aren't. All this " There was instant attraction and he was relentless in his chase (flowers, shows, dinners, introduced me to friends and family within 3 weeks) is too much too soon and then he broke up just as suddenly. I very much doubt your actions had much to do with it. I think he may have his own issues and you are better off without him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 You only have known this guy for 90 days & you were already fighting. That is bad. I wonder if there is anything to save. If you are truly sorry try sending him a snail mail written apology. Make it short but heart felt, shorter than what you wrote here. See if that helps. If it does not you have to let him go & then think about what you need to learn from this experience. I do agree that if you weigh less than 100 pounds you need to stay away from anybody who even hints that you need to lose weight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 You shouldn't give one more second of your time or thoughts to this jerk. Mistakes? You've got to be kidding. Those are really minor things and you were right to get upset about the weight thing. The thing with your ex was also very minor. My immediate thoughts when I was reading this is that this guy is abusive. This is exactly how they behave. They move the relationship very fast and then hit you from out of the blue with minor things and make you think it's your fault. I hope you will step back and see this guy for who he is. He is excessive in everything and he's extremely insecure. Do not be surprised if he tries to re-enter your life. I'm not kidding about this. His behavior is textbook and this is the kind of person you need to cut out of your life like an aggressive cancer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 My immediate thoughts when I was reading this is that this guy is abusive. Let's not catastrophize. Are you trying to turn this into an abuse thread? Or make her feel like a victim? I think he was just something of a jerk and she's probably better off for him having gone away. Wasn't meant to be as they say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 Let's not catastrophize. Are you trying to turn this into an abuse thread? Or make her feel like a victim? I think he was just something of a jerk and she's probably better off for him having gone away. Wasn't meant to be as they say. I'm not trying to turn it into any kind of thread. I'm only stating that the type of behavior he's displaying is very much like that of an abusive person. Link to post Share on other sites
LD1990 Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 Stick with NC. It's over, no need to apologize. Sounds like the guy may have some issues but abusive is a bit much based on what she has told us. The weight thing was rude, no doubt, but a lot of people wouldn't like their partner being in contact with an ex. My first thought would probably be "There's no one else that could've checked on your apartment? It has to be this guy?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 I'm not trying to turn it into any kind of thread. I'm only stating that the type of behavior he's displaying is very much like that of an abusive person. I got that impression too. Link to post Share on other sites
Rachel39 Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 I'm sorry your feeling this way, reading your post something jumped out at me and I maybe be wrong but he sounds like he could have the makings of a controlling and manipulative person. It's just a feeling I get and could be wrong also that he was able to just cut you out and say he is glad he ended it It might not be what you want to here but he could of possibly done you a favour xx 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 11, 2016 Share Posted April 11, 2016 (edited) I'm confused about the second fight. Was the fight about your weight - or was the weight comment a low blow during a fight about something else? If you were fighting about something else, what was it? And how did the topic of your weight come up? Edited April 11, 2016 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 11, 2016 Share Posted April 11, 2016 I'd like to clarify what I meant by stating that I think this guy is abusive. I'm not suggesting that he abused her. I'm saying that this is the pattern of an abuser's initial behavior before he turns on the abuse. It's meant to take a person off-guard, to make them feel responsible. They turn on the charm intensely and then pull the rug out from that person. I will not be the least surprised if he makes an attempt to come back into her life. This guy is extremely unreasonable, highly insecure, and likes to be controlling. Not to be confused with a person who is in control. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tangerinek Posted August 24, 2016 Author Share Posted August 24, 2016 Hi Everyone, Just wanted to follow up, it's been 5 months and I'm feeling A TON better. The first two months were PAINFUL and I had maybe 3 moments when I texted in an effort to be the bigger person and be friends but he had such an ego and assumed I was trying to get back together. I struggled with a lot of guilt because he did give me a lot and waffled back and forth in private A LOT. But I never broke down or begged for another chance and life was pretty kind to me in other areas that I was able to move on and start dating again. The new update is that I'm moving into his neighborhood and wanted to know if I should give him a heads up before? After hearing what he says about his "dramatic" exes - (he thinks all of them are still madly in love with him) I know he's going to think I can't possibly be over him and moved to be near him. I think I already know the answer though I'm going to stick with no contact and just be cordial if I ever run into him. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 No, you don't need to inform him you're moving to his neighbourhood. What an ego boost that would be to him! You don't need to keep him up-to-date, especially considering you've now been broken up longer than you were together. Keep to No Contact. If you happen to bump into him somewhere after the move, just say a cordial hello and carry on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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