Feeling guilty

[alicyn]

I've broken up with my ex a total of 3 times, and the final time was just 2 weeks ago. My ex had a lot of emotional issues and borderline serious depression and anxiety. He is very lonely, he lives by himself and his family is in another state. When we were together, he became very attached to me and we saw each other almost every day. While we were together I tried my hardest to nurture him because I loved him, of course. But we had to end our relationship for a number of reasons. While I can see the reasons perfectly and clearly, he does not and he is crushed by this. He deleted his facebook account (he did the same thing the last time we broke up) and he called me yesterday but I didn't answer the phone. Before we broke up he said he was madly in love with me, which makes it even harder for me to move on. I still love him in a sense, but I know that I don't want to be with him anymore. I can't be truly happy with him, so I know for sure that this is over.

 

Part of me is worried about him and I also miss him. It is a whirlwind of emotions. I am afraid of speaking to him at all because then he will try to get us back together again, and I don't want to give him a false hope.

 

My friends all tell me that I made the right decision and that I should just ignore him. They tell me that it is his responsibility to deal with his emotions and anxiety. But I've dealt with anxiety/depression disorders in the past, and I know how difficult that can be without any support. He has very few friends and is very much alone.

 

The last times we broke up he cried a lot and missed work. He also stopped eating normally, and I'm worried he is doing the same thing again. Now I can't stop thinking about this and it's making me very anxious and sad too.

 

My friends and family tell me to just ignore his calls and force him to let go. Is this the right thing to do? He is very obsessive so if I contact him, it will be so much harder for him to forget about me and move on.

 

On the other hand, I am assuming a lot of this, and maybe he's not suffering as much as I think he is. How can I get some peace of mind and be assured that he will be OK without me?

Edited April 4, 2016 by alicyn

[brothers343]

You sound like a mother but that is not what you are. And tho you want to be his friend and be there for him....we both know that theres somethings that you just have to take care on your own. This relationship is not healthy for you. Don't get cought in his web. You have broken up twice now and thats not healthy eather. Is up to you to decide wrlether to be his friend or not. You should make your intentions clear to him and that you don't plan on getting back together with him. Being straight forward with a person like your ex boyfriend that has all this issues is a good way to start. He knows where he stands.

[alicyn]

Thanks brothers343, I suppose you are right.

 

I am trying to let go and move on. I haven't heard anything for the past 2 weeks and a half, but I still feel like he will try to contact me eventually. I'm still reeling from the loss since we spent so much time together.

 

I really wanted to help him be happier and now I know that it was all wasted effort...

[mightycpa]

Maybe you can recognize that you're not "all that" and no matter what terrible things he's going to feel in the short run, he'll get over it, just like everybody does. It's not your job to worry about him, because he's holding you hostage with guilt. Your relationship was not a prison sentence, so don't act like it was. Even if you can't help worrying, you can help what you do about it.

 

So do nothing. Let his life go wherever it leads without you.

[Toodaloo]

You are not his mother. The relationship is not going to go anywhere.

 

You can't keep going back just because you feel guilty. It just prolongs the pain. Or makes it all happen all over again.

 

Think of it like this.

 

You hit him over the head with a baseball bat. It hurts him. You do not want him to hurt but you do it again... Why would you do that?

 

Going back is akin to picking up the baseball bat with the intention of hitting him over the head instead of a home run.

 

Put the baseball bat down and stay away from him.

 

It may take him a while but eventually he will get over it and he will move on and live his life. You are not responsible for how he does that. He is. Give him the best chance and stay away.

 

Sounds to me as though you need to do your own mourning too. So concentrate on that rather than stalking him to find out if he is OK or turning up for work.