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Here is my situation with my girlfriend!


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So I apologize for this being so long, but I want everyone to see the whole story so you can give me sound advice.

 

So my (ex) girlfriend and I have been together for 21 months. I was her first real relationship. I am 27 and she is 23. Our relationship was everything I could ask for and she was everything I could have asked for in a woman. She was kind, caring, loving, funny, beautiful, respectful, loved me for who I was and the love was reciprocated. We talked very seriously about our future together. Moving in, getting engaged and starting a family one day. We both respected each other's friends, space, work, schedules, etc. Everything was absolutely perfect between us and you know how they say when you know, well I definitely knew with her.

 

I was working a retail position when we first met, which caused some issues of when we'd get to see each other since she worked a regular schedule. She had moved onto another position at a bank here in the city and I was given an opportunity to work at a place with a normal job with good pay and benefits that, not only benefited me, but our relationship since we now were on normal schedules. That really propelled our relationship and took it to the next level.

 

During this whole process, my best friend moved away to another city and I don't really have many other friends than this guy. So that meant a lot of my time and activities went into things I did with my girlfriend and time spent together. I believe during the time he was gone I became dependent on the relationship for my own happiness instead of grieving and finding time to do things alone to get over my friend being gone.

 

My girlfriend became very unhappy with her time at the bank and was out to seek a new job. She came to me with this job opportunity at a huge local company that she said at that time that there would be light travel of maybe once a month or so, and I was okay and fully supportive of that. She had gotten a phone interview with them and the day after we went to lunch and she then revealed to me that she'd be gone every single week, Monday through Thursday for a whole year.

 

Something in me completely turned a complete 180 and I became very, very against this job. Later that night I texted her saying that I was uncomfortable with this job and the amount of traveling and this behind the downward spiral. This turned out to be our first real fight. I argued with her about this for a bit, but one night when we had plans to go to a concert, she wanted to meet for dinner so we could talk. The first thing she asks at dinner was if I wanted her to not take the job. I wanted to say yes, but was afraid to not come across as a controlling dick, I told her it doesn't matter what I want. It's her life and I'd learn to be okay with this.

 

I felt good about this whole situation the rest of that night, but that slowly went away and we went back to arguing about this. Now granted at this time she told me that she'd applied to multiple jobs and this was the only company that had reached out to her. Though I do know that her brother in law works there and pulled some strings for her to get this opportunity. She had the phone interview and was asked to come do a face to face interview/presentation. The closer and closer we had gotten to this deadline the more and more anxious I was becoming about this job opportunity.

 

So I'll stop here and give a little context into our relationship. Like I said before, we respected each other's space and schedules. My girlfriend has a very strict sleep schedule she keeps herself on. She's usually in bed around 8:30 or 9 and out by 10. So it made it a bit difficult to see each other during the week because I wanted to be respectful of that schedule she has. That's not to say we didn't, I mean we'd break the monotony be having days nights or go to concerts and such. We made our relationship with out where we were content and very happy with our schedules and routines.

 

Now about this job opportunity she was given. I felt like this job was going to run our relationship into the ground. Her being gone all week and not being able to have the freedom to see each other when we wanted and have to just make the best of our time together during the weekends. Which is basically what we already did anyway, but for some reason I thought this job was so wrong and so bad for us that I really lost myself in my anxiety of losing her and in my anger that I refused to listen to anyone about how I just needed to let her go and we'd be able to work this out.

 

Out of desperation I talked to my boss about maybe if we had any openings in our company, but we frown down about couples working together. He did though mention that the company his daughter is working for had some openings and he'd put in a good word for my girlfriend. I tell my girlfriend this and she is excited about the opportunity. She meets up with my bosses daughter and discusses this opportunity in full and we move forward with this opportunity. This alleviates the stress from me because there was another opportunity on our table, one where she wouldn't have to travel and could work from home of she wanted.

 

She tells me she is excited about this opportunity, but still it's going through the face to face interview with the original job opportunity. She wasn't going to bomb it and not hurt her brother in law's feelings. I tell her that I would never ask that of her and we went on with our lives in the coming weeks normal. I had a couple flare ups with the mention of the first job opportunity while we were together in person, but instead of just talking through this with my girlfriend I get so quiet and don't know what to say and say exactly that when it was brought up. I was so scared of confrontation that I kept my feelings all repressed instead of just letting them out and wishing through them together as adults in a very committed relationship.

 

My girlfriend does get a phone interview with the second company, but is very nervous about it and doesn't do so well and that comes into play later in my story. Also the closer and closer we get to the first job's face to face interview the more anxious I was becoming and this is where my first problem occurs. The day before the face to face I was a total wreck and I knew that she was going to knock it out of the park and I had this feeling that she was going to do so good that she was going to be offered it right on the spot. That scared the living hell of of me so I basically isolated myself from her that day with very short and to the point answers to texts from her. I get this text right before bed asking me if I was going to wish her good luck in the interview the next day and I told her I was isolating myself from her because I didn't want to fight with her the day before her interview and wanted her mind to be focused on this and also was trying to prepare myself for the upcoming news of an actual job offer. She was upset because everyone else wished her luck except for her own boyfriend. Whom of which should be the main one supporting her and her happiness.

 

The next day came and if course she killed the interview and I congratulated her and we moved on from that. She was told she'd know something in the next two weeks or so. So in the back of my mind I was holding out hope that the second job opportunity would pull through, but as time was passing we haven't heard anything from them. So during this time I had this anxiousness in the back of my mind and was suppressing it with positive vibes of this second job and we went on like nothing was wrong. That time takes us through Valentine's Day of this year.

 

The Monday following Valentine's Day she texts me that she was offered the job and instead of me being excited, my heart drops and instead of congratulating her, my text was "so what's next?" She tells me that she has until March 2nd to accept or deny the job. This is when things really get bad between us. I basically snap and lose my focus.

 

I then basically for the next three weeks try and get her to not take the job. A lot of mean things were said to her. Things like she didn't see how this job effected me and to her response that it's not the jobs fault that things are this way, it's your attitude towards the situation. She kept asking me to just trust her and be supportive and if what we had is real then we'd make it. She even tells me that she would never let a job destroy our relationship because she loves me too much to lose me over a job. Instead of just trusting her words of comfort, I say she's delusional in thinking that things are just going to be okay because you think it. I feel like she's just telling me what she's doing no matter what I say or how I feel about this. I felt trapped and pushed up against a wall so I came out swinging when I knew I shouldn't have, but I just couldn't listen to reason and listen to my head and to my love for this woman. I instead said that she's acting single and trying to make this decision without consulting me and she lost the right to make a decision like this without discussing this and making a mutual decision. I felt that the traveling and what it'll do to my girlfriend would have a very negative effect on our relationship and just couldn't back down from that.

 

Now in the midst of all this my girlfriend is diagnosed with late onset type 1 diabetes and put down the boxing gloves and was there and supportive through all of that. I bring this up because the company she was offered the job for is a Healthcare company and has a doctor on site and has incentives for being and staying healthy. So with this mindset in mind she felt that this was the right choice for her health. She kept telling me that this job was the best thing for her and her life. I wanted what's best for our relationship and our life together and our future. She kept saying her, her, her and I didn't realize that I had to be real and be supportive of what she wants because she's young and this really is a good opportunity for her, her health and our future because it was a much higher paycheck.

 

I didn't listen though and instead of putting down the boxing gloves and be supportive I kept trying different things to get her to not take the job like supplementing her income while she looked for another job and all these ideas and things just to keep her from traveling and being away from me. When she tells me that this was her dream job and wanted to work there since college and it would be just a stepping stone in our life together that we'd get through, but I didn't listen to any of it. I just couldn't turn off my brain to let rational thought in. I just kept fighting and fighting and this went on for three weeks.

 

The day before the last day she could accept the job I begged and pleaded with her not to take it and sent 40+ text messages to her that she woke up to. She said that was very unhealthy behavior and that she had showed her parents this and agreed that it was completely unhealthy. Her mom even emailed me asking to stop putting all of this unnecessary stress on her daughter and just needed to be supportive and enjoy the time we do have together or I'd lose her. Of course I didn't listen and kept fighting.

 

She did accept the job, which broke my heart and so the fighting turned from her not accepting the job, but now to email them and tell them that she changed her mind. This fighting was the worst of it because now she was ignoring me because she couldn't do the back and forth with me, but I pestered her into fights and dragged this out and beat it with a dead horse. That should have been my sign to back off and really think about things and maybe actually be supportive, but I didn't. I did not know how to turn this off and turn my anger off and just be happy for her.

 

The night before she had her first day of the new job, which was March 17th of this year. I sent her over 100 text messages begging and pleading with her. This in turn made things worse because now I was making her feel uncomfortable and she was afraid to see me in person to talk. We kept fighting in the subsequent days and on the 19th I was hanging out with some friends and talked a lot about this. Granted at this point I hadn't actually seen my girlfriend since Feb 28th where we went to a baptism and when we get back, she invited me up go the apartment, where of course I had an opportunity to talk about this in person, but I was too chicken **** to do so, so we called it an evening and parted ways. Now if which I am thinking she just took it as another rejection. Anyways after hanging out with some buddies on March 19th I decided to concede and give in and be okay with this job. My mistake was instead of saying that to her over text, I had sent a huge text about our fight and left it at that for the night. Instead of adding my support of the job later in the night. The next day on the 20th it was early afternoon and she hadn't texted me so I text her "still going to ignore me? I'd really like to see you today and talk to you about something. I miss you like crazy and want to find a solution to this and fix this."

 

My plan was to talk in person and then I'd surprise her with my support and we'd have a starting point to pick up the pieces. Instead she texts me saying "the only solution is that I have a new job and you can't handle it. I've decided that I do not want to see you anymore. If you keep texting me I will block your texts. I'm sorry it has come to this." I respond by saying I'm sorry and that I wanted to see her in person and tell her that I was being supportive of her and the job and wanted to fix this and make this work. Of course I get no response back from her so I then go into desperation mode for a bit and text her about giving be a chance to fix this and all that. That went on for a bit then I stopped and wrote this long, heartfelt apology to her and a separate one I sent to her parents.

 

This is where things get interesting. The next day I ask her if there is any way to fix our relationship and she said "please give me time. I cannot guarantee anything, but please give me some time to think." I left it at that and didn't text her at all for the rest of the day and night. The next day I ask her if she still loves me and if she thinks we do have a chance at all? I told her I didn't want to play a game and if she wanted to end things completely she should just to spare me the misery of holding onto this and getting hurt later in the future. She then replies back with "it's not a simple question. I do think we should at least take a break and if we are meant to be we will come back to each other. I feel maybe you should get the help you say you are going to get and we should be apart when that happens. We should this time for ourselves. I can't guarantee that we will find each other again, but if we are meant to be then we will find each other. " I take a step back and then agree with the break. I do send a couple texts about how a break isn't always a good solution, etc. I then back off and send a huge text saying that I'll respect her space and this break, but I want rules to the break. So most importantly I ask for a time table and if we are seeing other people or not.

 

She replies the next day saying we should see other people during this. That she didn't mean to hurt me, but it was for the best. I was very hurt by this a perturbed that she addressed the seeing other people, but not the time table. So I kept pestering her about the time table. She replies later with "idk maybe 3 months?" instead of just stopping there, I text back "you tell me. You're the one who wants this break so you can find somebody else to fall in love with and forget about me." she replies back with "that's not true at all. This wasn't some small thing that just effected me. It effected my whole family. I know you say you support me now, but I just can't forget what happened. What is the best thing I'm interested in that you'll disagree with and we go through this whole ordeal again. I don't mean to hurt you, but what happened was eye opening. I don't want to bring up the past and what happened, but it's not easy just to forget."

 

That was the last I've heard from her. That was last Thursday. I've since then tried NC, but to no avail. It's driving be crazy because the way we left it, I can't tell if we are in our break or is she just letting me down easy so she can just move on from me and spare me feelings? I can't help, but to think she is already involved with someone else. I get all these thoughts stuck in my head and all I have been doing is reading articles and forum posts. Trying to make sense of all this and what to do now or what to think. I'm torturing myself by sitting at my computer refreshing Facebook to see if she posts anything or see if she's on her phone or not. I can't seem to just turn off and walk away from the situation for awhile because it's unclear how we left things and I just want answers, but all I get is stone cold ignored when I try and text her.

 

That brings us to this past weekend up until today. Saturday I kept busy with mates, but Sunday was rough. It was Easter so I had to see family who were going to ask questions and they did. I just responded with she's fine, just with her own family. Then I saw that her mom posted pictures of them enjoying Easter and I liked the album and the one picture my girlfriend was in. Seeing those pictures really felt like a kick in the stomach. I then find out today that her mom and sister both unfriended me on Facebook, but I'm still friends with my girlfriend. So at this point I can't control not texting her even though she's been ignoring then for awhile. I honestly love her to death and miss her like crazy, but I don't know what to do, what to think about any of the aftermath. Are we done? Are we just in a break? Do I start NC? Please any advice would be helpful since I'd really like to salvage this relationship in any way I can. Thank you for taking the time to read my super long story. I'm looking for any advice I can get right now.

 

Thanks!

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snip

She replies the next day saying *we should see other people during this.

 

*Sorry to be blunt, but the above statement really means this:

 

 

"I am finished with you, and I want to sample the charms of other men."

 

 

**I've decided that I do not want to see you anymore. If you keep texting me I will block your texts.

 

**Again, I'm sorry to be blunt, but the above statement really means this:

 

 

"My family and I consider you to be a nuisance. Stay away from me/us."

 

 

There is zero chance of you ever getting back with her.

 

 

Sorry to say what you don't want hear, but there's no sweeter way of saying it.

 

 

Stop texting her.

 

 

 

Take care.

Edited by Satu
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I feel for you, as I hated the thought of being without my ex back when we were together. I understand that anxiety, it eats at you every day and it just sucks. Unfortunately, you really screwed yourself over here. I don't think it was right how she originally told you it would only be light traveling before revealing it was actually pretty heavy traveling, unless she was just misinformed (I would think the company would be pretty upfront with that though).

 

However, it sounds like you hurt her pretty badly. You made this all about you when she needed support. I think you should go complete NC with her and work on yourself for now, because you handled things in a very immature manner. She asked you if you didn't want her to take the job, and you told her to do what she wanted. Then when she actually tried to do that, you pulled the rug out on her. You were really selfish and have continued to be. When she wanted to talk, you ignored her because you were upset. When you want to talk, you blow up her phone with texts. She says she needs time and space. You keep blowing up her phone and pressuring her to make decisions.

 

She doesn't want anything to do with you right now and you two are broken up (a break is basically a breakup in my book, especially when it's a break with no end date where you date other people). The best thing for you to do is respect her wishes and leave her alone. Work on yourself, try therapy if you want or read self help books, find something you're passionate about to pursue. Delete or block her on social media. Full NC is what you both need. If she wants to come back that's her decision, but you should move on as if she isn't coming back to avoid getting your hopes up, because it seems extremely unlikely.

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Get some counselling and stick to this like glue:

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

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You should take some time to grow up while you're taking a break. No doubt after her traveling and meeting real men who are self-assured and considerate of her and her ambitions, you're going to have a difficult time measuring up as-is. Your only chance is if she sees you as an equal or better to all the new guys she's going to meet. That means a new attitude, maybe a promotion or two, more money, and more success. Later on, you're going to need a new girl or two chasing after you too, and I don't mean a couple of local hosebags. I mean some serious women who she will respect, and compare herself to find at least a few things wanting. In short, you're going to have to start looking like a catch, rather than like an anchor.

 

This means you'd better stop whining, stop chasing her and give her the space she wants without complaint, anger or self-pity. In other words, send her off with some grace. Accept your huge role in this, and during your time away from each other, get focused on bettering yourself. Generally, this kind of thing takes time, but because you're motivated, you might get through it more quickly. You might flounder because you're so despondent about your current situation. Unfortunately, you don't have the luxury of that kind of time. Don't contact her until you see some measurable successful change in yourself.

 

Clear enough? It's tough talk, but you asked.

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It seems to me this relationship was breaking up when she decided to apply for a particular job, knowing you would not be happy at her spending more time with that than with you. I don't blame you at all, I would not have been happy at seeing even less of my partner than before.

 

Your reaction of trying to persuade her otherwise and then getting obsessed with it to the point of harassing her with texts and messages would have made this worse. But, she was not right for you. If she was, you would not have been feeling so neglected in the first place. She, meanwhile, has reached the point of no return, whatever she is saying.

 

The woman was not right for you. She did not need to spend the same amount of time with you that you needed with her. There will be someone out there who needs that kind of closeness and commitment. Don't waste your time and energy on this one any more. She has moved on and you need to rest from your exhausted state and recover from this. It will take a bit of time but I'm sure you will reach a point yourself where you wonder why you were so desperate to be so close to her.

 

People get together, find their differences work together (or don't) and then either stay together or drift apart. Yours drifted apart and I suspect you sensed that was happening at some level, hence why you dug your heels in about the job. You can't stop the tide though. Accept it is over and allow yourself to heal. It is also worth seeking some counselling to find out why you reacted as you did and the impact this whole relationship has had on you. The future can look a whole lot better!

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When she first told you of the job and how much time she would be away because of it, she had already put you into the trashcan. Her job was more important than you. Everything else from that point on was just icing on the rotting cake. Just think of dodging a hypodermic shaped bullet: you will not be the man reminding her to check her blood glucose levels 5 times a day, nor to give her an injection after the numbers start to rise... her future is hers and her problems are also hers. Be young and enjoy your health - it wont last forever and you deserve it to yourself to make some nice memories whilst you are able.

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ExpatInItaly

She is your ex-girlfriend. You are broken up.

 

This is for the better, because you are not in a healthy place to be in a relationship right now. Sending her 40 and then 100 texts...isn't normal. You need to dig deep and find out where that fear is coming from. That would send major alarm bells ringing in my head too. You basically killed this when you gave her such a hard time about this job, and tried to manipulate her into staying. (Yes, guilt trips and silent treatment are manipulative)

 

You really need to go No Contact and start detaching. I say that because she is already gone. Saying you both should see other people confirms this. It doesn't mean she already is, but she will. Delete her and her family from FB. You don't need to be seeing what they're up to anymore and it will only stall your healing. Quit texting her - yes, you can control this. You just don't want to, but is within your control.

 

Get some help for yourself so you don't repeat this behaviour in the future. It's normal to feel disappointed and sad when you see someone slipping away. But your reaction - which was essentially to harass her with messages and desperately try to control the situation - indicates there are deeper issues inside you that you need to resolve.

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TaraMaiden2

I stopped reading at 'So my (ex) girlfriend and I...."

 

As Expat says: if she's your ex, she's your ex. Everything else is pointless.

You don't owe her, she doesn't owe you, there's no business to be done any more.

It's over.

Finito.

Gone.

Done.

 

Move on.

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My thing is that I've asked her twice if she really wanted to be done with me and if she was just tell me so we don't play this game, but she hasn't. I don't know if that's any sort of sign that maybe she doesn't want this to end like this and maybe all she really does need is time to heal and maybe start back up again? I'm trying to have a positive attitude about this in thinking with time she'll realize what we had and want to bury the past and start back up someday. I know and have accepted what I've done to her, but there is not one thing that have either of us any thought that we wouldn't last. All of our good memories and what we are able to build does mean something in the end doesn't it? It has to weigh on any decision about our future she makes, right?!? Or am I being too optimistic here?

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My thing is that I've asked her twice if she really wanted to be done with me and if she was just tell me so we don't play this game, but she hasn't. I don't know if that's any sort of sign that maybe she doesn't want this to end like this and maybe all she really does need is time to heal and maybe start back up again? I'm trying to have a positive attitude about this in thinking with time she'll realize what we had and want to bury the past and start back up someday. I know and have accepted what I've done to her, but there is not one thing that have either of us any thought that we wouldn't last. All of our good memories and what we are able to build does mean something in the end doesn't it? It has to weigh on any decision about our future she makes, right?!? Or am I being too optimistic here?

 

Trouble is good memories quickly get cancelled out by bad ones.

As she said your behaviour was "eye opening" and she and her family will never forget it.

I feel you are being unrealistically optimistic here, to think you have any chance of pulling this around.

She is now your ex, I think you just need to get used to that fact.

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My thing is that I've asked her twice if she really wanted to be done with me and if she was just tell me so we don't play this game, but she hasn't. I don't know if that's any sort of sign that maybe she doesn't want this to end like this and maybe all she really does need is time to heal and maybe start back up again? I'm trying to have a positive attitude about this in thinking with time she'll realize what we had and want to bury the past and start back up someday. I know and have accepted what I've done to her, but there is not one thing that have either of us any thought that we wouldn't last. All of our good memories and what we are able to build does mean something in the end doesn't it? It has to weigh on any decision about our future she makes, right?!? Or am I being too optimistic here?

 

Her not telling you that you're done could just as easily mean that she's trying to let you down easily or that she is going with whatever response she thinks will prevent you from sending her hundreds of text messages. She doesn't want anything to do with you, she wants to date other people, and her family doesn't like you. Add it all up and it's extremely unlikely she comes back.

 

You're focusing on her when you should be focusing on yourself. You need to work on yourself so you don't make the same mistakes again.

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ExpatInItaly

OP, I'm going to echo what others have said.

 

Instead of worrying so much about her, use this opportunity to do some major self-reflection.

 

Ask yourself:

 

1) What fears did I project? (abandonment? rejection?) Why am I so afraid of these things?

 

2) How did I give myself permission to send up to 100 text messages? What did I tell myself that made that type of behaviour ok? (and you did think it was ok, or you wouldn't have done it at all)

 

3) Why do I not trust others to make decisions, and why I do I feel the need to control that decision-making process?

 

4) What image do I want to present to a woman? How is my current behaviour supporting or hindering that?

 

Really, think hard about the above. Dig deep. You need to get a grip or this situation will repeat itself in the future.

 

I think you should consider this relationship over. It won't do you any good to hang on to hope. If you are still contacting her, leave her alone for a good long while. You have already smothered her and consequently suffocated the life out of the relationship. She is not going to be open to rekindling things any time soon, if at all.

 

Yes, good memories are important. But they do not over-ride disturbing behaviour, in most cases. She saw a side of you that she cannot ignore. One of my exes behaved somewhat like you, and I can tell you that while I look back in fondness at some of the good times we shared, I have no desire to return because I know what else he is capable of.

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To be blunt OP, what happened between you and this girl made it obvious that you are a very wounded individual. That was the true source of all the desperation and panic that fuelled your actions. It wasn't about her and her choices, it was all about you, and the wounded part of you that just couldn't cope with a perfectly ordinary and innocuous situation.

 

Sure, you weren't happy about her choice. Thats not unreasonable, but your behaviour became totally irrational, and caused her and her family so much irritation, that they've ended up not wanting to have anything to do with you.

 

That is just incredibly sad. A very bad outcome.

 

The thing is, that wounded part of you won't just go away. You can't just wish or will it to be gone, or simply decide that you'll never do it again.

 

Something inside you got triggered, and your ability to make rational and reasoned decisions, went missing when it was most needed.

 

If the same thing gets triggered again, it will cause havoc, again.

 

None of this makes any less of you as a person. You are just as worthy and valuable as anyone else, but you do need some healing.

 

This would be a very good time for you to find a counsellor and heal the wounding, so that it is doesn't jump out and turn your life upside down again at some point in your future.

 

Life doesn't have to be so painful and confusing.

 

 

Pick up the phone and find a counsellor.

 

If you do, you will be giving your self the greatest gift you've ever had.

 

 

Take care.

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So I'm 36 hours in of strict NC with her. I have read and re-read ask of your guys' responses to me and despite all of the doom and gloom, I am not giving up on my girl.

 

Now that does not mean smothering her or texting her. I want to give time where time is due and in like a month or month and a half I'll just shoot her a casual text asking her how she's doing and hopefully keep me on her mind a bit and maybe if I'm lucky she'll respond back and we can just casually talk and go from there.

 

I know you all say this break can't be about getting her back and that it has to be about me. Well I agree and disagree. I have reached out to a therapist and trying to hammer out a schedule to meet. I'm going away this weekend with my best mate for a little weekend get away. I bought myself a new bike to ride around and kept myself busy with my of my nerdy passions and haven't been bashful to share them on social media.

 

This is just as much about self improvement as it is to win back her heart. She taught me a lot in our two years together and yes I was a total, controlling, dick to her and broke her heart. I feel given some time we can start to slowly build ourselves back up to an even better relationship we had before. I just have to show her I've put in the hard work to change and improve and let fate decide.

 

I know I may sound a bit daft, but I love this woman more than anything and I feel with a little self improvement and hard work and love that things will work out in the end. There is nothing wrong with being positive about this is there?

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ExpatInItaly

Of course there's nothing wrong with being optimistic. It sounds like you've made some steps in the right direction of looking after yourself. So, keep that up in any case. Nothing bad can come from taking time to resolve your emotional issues and developing yourself.

 

But it's also important not to give yourself false hope. You need to be careful in striking a balance, or you could find yourself hurting all over again. The damage here is quite severe, as it goes beyond your ex-girlfriend. Her family also now has a very negative impression of you, and it's likely she has filled in some friends too. Once that has happened, it is hard to come back from. I speak from experience, having been in a similar position as hers before.

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TaraMaiden2
So I'm 36 hours in of strict NC with her. I have read and re-read ask of your guys' responses to me and despite all of the doom and gloom, I am not giving up on my girl.

 

Now that does not mean smothering her or texting her. I want to give time where time is due and in like a month or month and a half I'll just shoot her a casual text asking her how she's doing and hopefully keep me on her mind a bit and maybe if I'm lucky she'll respond back and we can just casually talk and go from there.

 

I know you all say this break can't be about getting her back and that it has to be about me. Well I agree and disagree. I have reached out to a therapist and trying to hammer out a schedule to meet. I'm going away this weekend with my best mate for a little weekend get away. I bought myself a new bike to ride around and kept myself busy with my of my nerdy passions and haven't been bashful to share them on social media.

 

This is just as much about self improvement as it is to win back her heart. She taught me a lot in our two years together and yes I was a total, controlling, dick to her and broke her heart. I feel given some time we can start to slowly build ourselves back up to an even better relationship we had before. I just have to show her I've put in the hard work to change and improve and let fate decide.

 

I know I may sound a bit daft, but I love this woman more than anything and I feel with a little self improvement and hard work and love that things will work out in the end. There is nothing wrong with being positive about this is there?

 

Let me try to explain something to you.

 

You decide, rightly, to go No Contact.

You say you'll give it a month.

One of three things will happen.

 

1: She will contact you, in the interim period, to "see how you are, just make sure you're ok, how's things...?" because she will feel concerned, in a guilty way, that you are withdrawing and pining, and if she can be your friend, then obviously your recovery is going well, and she can sleep more easily, her conscience appeased.

This is the 'breadcrumb' part.

 

2: You will contact her in the month and her heart will sink because she thought that finally, it was over, and she didn't have to worry about you any more, and she's moved on anyway and goodness, what do you want, we're past this, aren't we?

 

3: Contact will be re-established, you'll agree to meet, you will be hopeful of a reconciliation, because that's what you want (being positive) and it will all come to naught because she will treat you like a friend, leave you confused as to her motives, wondering what to do next - or finally realising that there IS no 'next'...

 

I'm concerned that you think we're spreading 'doom and gloom'.

 

We've all been here a long time. I've actually been a part of this forum, on and off (more 'on' than 'off') for 11 years and was instrumental in refining and writing up the current No Contact Guide.

It was originally written by a guy who devoted his life to his GF, was going to marry her, and also worked with her, day in and day out, before, during and after her dumping him.

Everyone tells you to go No Contact. Everyone means, this No Contact Guide, because it's definitive, and fool-proof.

 

I don't want you to think we're harbingers of doom.

We're realistic, because please believe me - we have seen this too many times for comfort.

 

What we say is not borne of pessimism and negativity.

it comes from long experience, and witness of far too many situations precisely like yours.

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I'm not saying all you're doing is spreading doom and gloom. This forum and all of the responses from all the members involved really has helped me and had given me very solid advice in this dark time in my life. I'm not sugar coating that. You guys all have been there for me and I am truly in your debt.

 

I never said this road to recovery is going to be easy, but I can't just completely give up hope. Yes I know the damage is severe, there is no denying that at all. There is a long road ahead of me if I think that there is a chance of reconciliation. I can't just sit here and do nothing about it, either. She gave me the two best years of my life that I can remember in a very long time. She means a lot to me and that's why I'm reaching out for help to make this all right.

 

Before in this situation I'd just move on to another girl and quickly lose the pain I was feeling and the same cycle would repeat itself over time. I don't want that to happen again and I want to show her, her family and myself that I can be a good and healthy person. Someone who is capable of being a wonderful partner, husband and father one day. I'm willing to actually do something about this instead of just let her go completely.

 

She's affected my life in many positive ways and I feel like I owe it to her to improve myself and show her that I'm serious about making myself a better person. Call it whatever you'd like, false hope, etc. But this situation, along with you guys, have given me the push to do this and she's my end goal of all the hard work I'm starting to put in.

 

In sorry if I'm being too positive or optimistic for my own good, but she means more to me than anything. She deserves someone who she can rely on and trust when times get tough, and I want to show her I can be that guy.

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You don't love her. You love yourself and you're codependent and she's not. If you love someone, you don't want to kill their dreams and put them in a box.

 

On top of not loving her but only loving yourself and wanting to control her, you went completely psycho on her, and she was smart to drop you because that is not healthy, my friend, and you need to get some help.

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TaraMaiden2
....I never said this road to recovery is going to be easy, but I can't just completely give up hope. Yes I know the damage is severe, there is no denying that at all. There is a long road ahead of me if I think that there is a chance of reconciliation.

This will only work if she is just as open and willing as you are, to work on re-building this relationship. She has to be on board and equally enthusiastic about trying again...

 

I can't just sit here and do nothing about it, either.
Actually, disastrous as you may think it sounds, you can, because she may not give you an alternate choice.

 

In a relationship, the work is split 50-50. You're 100% responsible for half, she's 100% responsible for half. If she decides her heart's not on it, and only gives, say, 10% - you, with every effort and good will, cannot make up HER 90% deficit for her. No matter how hard you try.

 

She gave me the two best years of my life that I can remember in a very long time. She means a lot to me and that's why I'm reaching out for help to make this all right.
As long as she cooperates and does the same, you'll be fine. If not.....

 

Before in this situation I'd just move on to another girl and quickly lose the pain I was feeling and the same cycle would repeat itself over time. I don't want that to happen again and I want to show her, her family and myself that I can be a good and healthy person. Someone who is capable of being a wonderful partner, husband and father one day. I'm willing to actually do something about this instead of just let her go completely.

Let me tell you this about a woman: You could get canonized as a Living Saint by the current Pope and she still wouldn't come back.

She's DONE.

And once a lady decides she's done, it's a very, very rare incident that she decides to un-do...

 

She's affected my life in many positive ways and I feel like I owe it to her to improve myself and show her that I'm serious about making myself a better person. Call it whatever you'd like, false hope, etc. But this situation, along with you guys, have given me the push to do this and she's my end goal of all the hard work I'm starting to put in.
Too little too late.

Her way of thinking will be (a) why couldn't you do all this while we were together? I've thrown in the towel now, and I've had it with 'trying'.

(b) I can't risk committing to you again, because you have given me no guarantee that this will be permanent. For all I know, you've made the effort to win me back, and once I come back, it will revert to same, old, same-old.

 

In sorry if I'm being too positive or optimistic for my own good, but she means more to me than anything. She deserves someone who she can rely on and trust when times get tough, and I want to show her I can be that guy.

No, you can't. She's already told you you can't. If she believed for one instant you could be, you'd still be together talking this over and coming to an agreement.

 

Her dumping you has been the catalyst for improving yourself.

Had she not dumped you, making an effort for self-improvement wouldn't have entered your mind.

She dumped you, because she had had enough.

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MrBojangles

alexwscott,

 

I won't sugarcoat this; you behaved like a total butthead to this young woman. What did you think was going to happen?

 

You revealed your true character to her, and she did what normal people do, and removed herself from a bad situation that YOU created. My advice for you in your current dilemma would be, let her go and move on with your life. Learn from your mistakes and do not behave like this with your next partner.

 

Controlling and Manipulation are not desirable attributes people seek in a potential mate.

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OP:

 

Spend some time alone and in therapy, getting to the root of your dysfunction, and then think about being in a relationship.

 

That will probably take 2 - 3 years.

 

If what you are saying you're going to do could be done in 4 - 6 weeks, this forum wouldn't exist, and counsellors wouldn't be able to feed themselves.

 

You are still exactly the same person who sent her hundreds of texts; still the same person who manipulated her and tried to control her, still the same person that her family washed their hands of.

 

Sorry if that bursts your bubble, but your bubble is full of self-deception.

 

Start working with a counsellor.

 

Get some healing.

 

 

Take care.

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I'm not saying that any of you are wrong. Her saying she wants space and time to think and take a 3 month break may just be that she's done. She has every right to be.

 

Time will tell if she actually wants to actually talk or give me a chance to maybe try again. I know it's not going to happen today or tomorrow or ever, but I'm not going to go through all of this and not at least try.

 

No it's not going to be solved in a matter of weeks, but I have reached out to a therapist and and starting this path of self help and it may take years. I have fully accepted that, but that doesn't mean that during the process that I can't reach out and maybe start things up, but be very slow and conscious of her heart and feelings.

 

None of this is completely set in stone and the tides can turn in any direction and I'm not going to just be all mopey and wait and see the outcome. I want the change and self improvement and yes this situation was a kick in the ass and sometimes you need these sorts of things in life to make yourself better.

 

I'm not one to just throw in the towel and just give up. I'm doing all of this so that if a situation comes up again that I wont react the same and I wont be in the same boat again. No, it's not going to be easy and nothing is guaranteed, but I have to at least try. If she's fully done then she is, but I feel like there is a sliver of a chance and I need to give her the space she desires and have her really figure out her feelings and have her heart heal and then I can work on myself and while doing so, try and test the waters and see what happens.

 

I don't see what's so bad about having some sort of plan and want a positive end to this story?

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You don't really need therapy. You need to man up, self-evaluate and get rid of whatever crap resides in you and causes you to treat people you "love" the way you do. Then you can forgive yourself for the way you were, and you can forgive her for not putting up with your ****, and wish her well on her journey without you.

 

That you're willing to subject her to more of your scheming before you've done all that speaks directly to your bad faith. 36 hours of her life without you in it? Seriously? Wow.

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