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Please Help Me, I can't take it anymore!


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I'm new to this site but just wanted a chance to write down my problem(s) 1. to get it off my chest and 2. to see what advice would be offered. So here goes:

 

I started seeing this girl who was the sister in law of a friend, we hit it off straight away. She told me all about her ex husband, how he use to verbally and physically abuse her and how when she decided to finish it, he smashed the house up and took everything that he wanted and left her with nothing. Within 3 months we were officially going out and it was the greatest feeling in the world. 3 years down the line and we started to have problems, I was getting short with her all the time and the arguements were once a week, we sat down a couple of times to sort it and then we would continue to get on well until the next argument, most of which were minor bar 1, which we sorted.

 

The weekend just gone was a few days b4 her birthday and myself, my lady her family and some friends went out for something to eat and drink. The drinking continued back at her parents place. I got so drunk I didn't know what I was doing, I had a pop at my girl and then her mum had a pop at me which resulted in her hitting me, I stormed outside and her step dad had a pop which also resulted in him hitting me. Eventually the police were called and had it not been for my friend I would have spent the night in the cells. I stupidly went back to the house and had a tantrum broke a vase, chair and a table, all this reminiscent of the night she broke with her violent ex. We spoke the following morning and she said that she wanted some time apart so that she could think about what she wanted and where we were going. Whilst I respected this I was also hurt and feeling very guilty at the fact i couldn't just give her a hug say sorry, not so that she would forget about it but so I could start to build bridges with her and her family. I have to say at this stage that my behavior is out of character and I have accepted the blame for my behavior without trying to justify it, the fact is I know it was way over the line and I am truely sorry. I have spoken to all the people that were involved and they are all fine, apart from my girlfriend or soon to be ex by the looks of things.

 

Yesterday I spoke to her over text and she said that at the moment she can't see any future for us or how this can be fixed, naturally I was devastated and instantly felt sick, now she hasn't said for sure that it's over but she hasn't put a time on how long she wants to be apart. Now she is being very cold with me and ignoring my text messages, of which I have now stopped texting to give her some space in the hope she has me back. if I'm honest the way she has been on the phone and over text I don't think I have a hope in hell, I mean how can someone say on 1 day that they don't see a future for us only to have a little space and they change their mind, does/can this happen?

 

I'm totally lost, I feel sick, I can't sleep, eat or drink and haven't since Saturday not matter how hard I try. I'm being told by her step dad to just give her some space but it's damn hard. Why would someone who say's they love you leave you hanging on a string while they make their mind up what they want. If I'm honest I don't feel much like living at the moment and it would be worse if she wasn't around. I'm almost 24 and she is 25, she has a child with her ex who is 5 and awesome.

 

what can I do, what should I do, is it over and should I start to come to terms with it or could there be a chance that I will get the chance to rectify this and prove to her how much I love her. The thing is, she is the 1 that I see myself marrying and having kids with, I don't want anyone else and the thought of her being with someone else, is absolutely killing me.

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Okay..

 

First you said how can someone say they love you, but then not be certain they want to stay with you.. WELL.. How can somene say they love you and then scare the crap out of you and come after you with the intent to harm you.. answer that.

 

If I read your thread right, when you say you had a *Pop* at her (your GF) I am assuming this means you hit her? IF this is the case.. then let me say this.. her parents did EXACTLY what I would do if anyone and I mean ANYONE thought for a single freaking minute they were going to hit my daughter in my presense would've done.. taken you outside and *Popped* you back :mad:

 

It isn't a wonder your GF needs time away from you.. you obviously became violent with her AND uh yeah.. she has a child to think about right? She's been down this road before, you knew how it had caused her a lot of pain and issues in her life.. she trusted you and as far as I'm concerned.. you betrayed her trust in you when you put your hands on her.

 

Get some help here.. learn to manage your anger.. hitting the person you *LOVE* ISN'T OKAY.

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Hey...

 

I think that space is a good thing. I also think that you should share your feelings on marriage with her tell her every feeling that you have going through your head. Write it all down and if you can't show her in person send it to her by mail.

 

She needs to know eveything before she makes her decision.

 

Coming from an abusive relationship I would say maybe shes not for you. It all starts with one little hit that you didn't mean to do and whether it was her or someone else in her family. You kind of stepped over the line. Family is very important. Whether she says I hate my parents or they are the best thing in her life...she still cares what they think on who she spends the rest of her life with. I mean think about family get togethers....how is that going to be?

 

I know that you are hurting, that happens anytime someone is in-love and lost it. I was going through so much when my boyfriend and I broke up and was thinking that I could never love anyone else. I look back at that time and laugh now. I was stupid for thinking that it was a good relationship and I couldn't find better. I could, I did.

The very same day I actually let go of that person I met the love of my life. My ex and I faught every weekend and then after a couple of years we moved in together and then the pushing started then the hitting. Verball abuse was the worst of it all though.

 

Anyway...there are so many other women out there and so many loves that you can have.

 

Try to write and then make that as closer.

 

Don't hold on to something that you're not sure you can get back. that way if she doesn't come back you are already moved on and if she does you can better evaluate the relationship.

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Thanks for the replies guy's.

 

Firstly let me say that I DID NOT hit my GF and never have and never would, period. But yeah I agree that I think I have scared her and that the trust that she had given me is now gone. The bottom line is that she has been through another experience like you say, although far worse and I have shown over the last couple of months that our relationship was heading in the same direction. I neglected her feelings and got comfortable with the situation and actually thought our relationship would be ok no matter what, how wrong could I have been. Regardless of the eventuality of this situation, I can tell you that I have learnt a very, very valuable lesson. Loosing someones trust and putting them in situations that they feel desperately uncomfortable in, whether that be fear etc is only in the long run going to end up driving them further away from you, to the stage where they need some space and that space is likely to be forever in my case. Oh how I have screwed up and I am going to have to live with the fact that I have driven the 1 person I have ever really loved away to the point where there is probably no return.

 

I guess I have also learnt that 1 mistake is all it takes.

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So then what do you mean exactly when you say you "took a pop at her"? Swung but didn't connect? Just as bad in my book. Had it been my daughter, yeah, I would have taken you outside and given you a pop. And there would have been a few pops on the way to the door. And a few pops into the door before I opened it, and a few pops from the door frame as you were being shoved out.

 

There is absolutely no excuse for violence in a relationship. I don't care how much you had to drink or whatever. It just doesn't fly.

 

If she has been in a violent, abusive relationship before, then give it up. You have already shown you can't control that aspect of your personality and she isn't likely to want to go back into another physically abusive relationship. There is nothing you can do to fix that. No promise you can make that will put her mind at ease. You were aware of her past and still showed potnetial to be violent to her.

 

Walk away, get some help for your violent tendencies and anger issues.

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I think I have used the wrong terminology in my post. NO I did not hit her, NO I did not take a swing at her. When I meant pop I meant I had words with her, shouted at her and her parent**** me to try and calm me down.

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Okay, and you still "went back to the house and had a tantrum broke a vase, chair and a table, all this reminiscent of the night she broke with her violent ex". Whether you hit her or tried to hit her or not, you still showed extremely violent tendecies that makes her fearful for her safety. She isn't going to forget that and like I said, there is nothing you can ever do at this point to reassure her. Yes, one little mistake to you that is a huge red flag and reminder of what she had to survive.

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You can do that. You might be waiting a long time though. I have a feeling she is just going to not contact you and move on though. Yeah, I know it sucks, but we don't all get to live happily ever after.

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My girlfriend got in contact today and has been missing me. She wants to give it another go, yay!

 

We talked about what needs to be sorted and I am to go and see someone and talk about the deep problems that I have that cause me to be short fused with my girlfriend all the time. The bottom line was that I have such an issue with myself that it was causing stress and depression, because they are things that I wasn't able to talk about or actually take my frustration out on that I unfortunately took it out on the one that I love the most by getting cross with her all the time.

 

Believe me I feel very lucky to be able to have a second chance. I have learnt more in the last few days about myself and what I need to do to change and make my relationship a success than in the 24 years that I have been on this earth. The changes that I need to put in place will not happen over night I know that, but I feel it's a big step forward for me and my relationship that I have admitted I have problems and am going to do something about it. I guess I have been lucky this time.

 

I will NOT do anything to jepordise the chance that I have been given with the girl I hope to spend the rest of my life with.

 

Thanks to those who gave advice, no matter how harsh.

 

Antelope

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