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To break up, or not and move in. Girlfriend w BPD


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concerned111

Hello,

 

Jeez where to start. Well my girlfriend (27) of a year and I (26) have been talking about moving in a lot lately.. She is finishing college next month, I have been out of school for 3 years with a stable career. She hates the state we live in and says after school she would only stay to be with me and if we break up she will move back to her home state. I told her I didn't like that ultimatum and wanted us to move in when we were ready. She mentioned how we are practically already living together (I'm always at her place I never stay at my place anymore) and I thought good point and I started opening up to the idea of us living together. We started that conversation back in December. I honestly love the idea of living with her and spending the rest of my life with her she is beautiful and we have so much in common and get along on every level/ same tastes in everything and mostly same outlooks on everything.

 

However, we argue so much and I'm fairly certain she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm just so exhausted of the outbursts and arguing. I mean it's gotten to the point where I'm just waiting for the next argument/ I'm walking on eggshells. When things are good things are REALLY good! But last weekend we were set to start moving in together and ended up just fighting terribly and she threw a bit of a tantrum in the middle of it I said to myself I could never see myself raising kids with this woman she is unstable. A part of me wished I ended it then but I just couldn't bring myself to do it I saw her completely down and I just had to help her get through it...

 

I'm just afraid if we move in together the outbursts will continue and then it will be harder to get out of it. She says the source of our arguing is bc we do not live together and have been unable to have sex the last couple months because she was really ill. Shes better now so are sexual again but still don't live together. In the first half of our relationship we would argue a lot over sex- I would 'miss' signals and go to sleep and go to work the next day thinking things were gravy and then she would text me a **** storm about why didn't I **** her last night and if I'm even attracted to her. I'm fairly sexual but she can be a bit of a nympho wanting it twice a day. Also I have trouble with ED from years of porn/ stress and she takes that the wrong way as if I am not into her or my dick doesn't like her. She says she still struggles to get over me 'rejecting' her sexually even though I never intentionally did that she just clings to that 'rejection' when we get into arguments.

 

She can also be super pessimistic which I am not at all so that really irks me I really cannot stand negativity. I get texts from her complaining about parking or this or that when I wish I would get texts about good things happening to her. At home same things she complains about dumb little stuff where I am focusing on the good parts. I always put positive spins on things and help out with everything, probably too much. I wish the moving in thing wasn't an ultimatum. I would like to continue seeing her but I am not ready to move in yet. I think I should be excited to move in with someone not afraid. When I tell her this she really takes it badly and it's like I might as well be saying hey **** you lets break up right now I hate you.

 

I hate that I cannot have serious conversations with her without it leading to arguments or being taken the wrong way. Part of me wonders if I have problems myself to still be with her after all our arguing and break ups (we've broken up like 5 times since we've been together. I don't think we've ever gone a full 7 days without some dumb argument that could have started from something as small as me sleeping the wrong way). The cycle goes we break up then we focus on all the good times and a day or two later we miss eachother and go back to it and it's great for a little bit then bam it happens again. Maybe I have low self esteem or confidence, I was really lonely when we started dating and so maybe I just latched on to the attention and deep inside I don't want to go back to that? I am a complete workaholic so without her I'm pretty much alone in a big city.

 

Anyone else with similar experience? Anyone let it go on too long? Anyone have it work out in the end? Should I just rip the band aid off right now or what?

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You sound like my aunt's husband. After 10 years of marriage, he's become a mouse of a man. Doesn't have a voice and walks on eggshells all the time. She's emasculated him and he's such an unhappy man. Everything is an argument. He's lost his balls.

 

Bits of good times lost in a lot of dysfunction does not a sustainable relationship make.

 

I'm not sure what keeps you there. Don't say good times. Relationships are supposed to bring out the best in us. You shouldn't have to tip toe because you're afraid of your partner.

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BPD or not, this isn't a healthy relationship.

 

You need a degree of stability to live with someone, and she doesn't seem to have that.

 

Carry on seeing her if that's what you want, but don't give up your place to live with her.

 

Really, don't.

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blackbird_brokenwing

As someone who was left by my BPD ex-girlfriend 6 weeks ago, I feel a special place in my heart for anyone dealing with a BPDer. They aren't evil, no good people. I know what it's like to love them, and love them despite all of their borderline characteristics. How you make excuses for the really terrible things they put you through emotionally, how you feel high as a kite when things are going good because more often than not, things are bad. I felt like if I could just keep control of myself, the arguments would stop. I always blamed myself for them because she did. But try as I might, we still argued. It wasn't until we broke up that I realized that I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. I could do the exact opposite of what I had done that caused an argument before, and we would still end up fighting. I literally couldn't win. And it was always my fault. I completely understand the negativity thing. My ex-girlfriend was always negative, about everything. I would try to be positive just to keep her from slipping into anger (which she did often, and then was unpleasant with me as a result) but then she would be angry that I didn't understand what she was going through or was downplaying her misery. If I tried to get just as low in the gutter with her, she would defend whatever she had been railing against 2 seconds prior. Like I said, no win.

 

I say all of this to say I know the struggle. And I know how good the "good times" can be. But if you are having doubts about this and can't see yourself dealing with this for years to come, please save yourself the headache and heartbreak and don't move in together. I'm not saying to run as fast as you can and leave her immediately, but bring this to her attention. Try to have a serious conversation about what you think may be the problem and that because you love her, you want her to get help for herself and for the relationship. If she's at all on board, then there's hope. But if she denies it or refuses to do anything or blames you, then she's not ready for a relationship with you right now.

 

Either way I say don't move in right now.

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Arguing all the time, walking on eggshells, sexually incompatible and to top it all she has a pessimistic, negative attitude and complains a lot...

 

Unless of course you are a masochist or you want to be in therapy for the rest of your life, the last thing you need to do, is move in with this woman..

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salparadise
Anyone else with similar experience? Anyone let it go on too long? Anyone have it work out in the end? Should I just rip the band aid off right now or what?

 

Yes. I was married for twenty-three years and had a similar pattern. My ex was a high-functioning borderline and we could sometimes go up to two weeks without a splitting episode, but that was about the limit.

 

The best way I know to describe it is that you enter into an unspoken contract to be responsible for her mood, but their mood is inherently unstable. By their rationale, being in a bad mood means you're a bad person, not holding up your end of the deal, and therefore projecting their anger onto you is a perfectly appropriate and reasonable response. You have to keep giving up little pieces of yourself in an effort to always be appeasing. Eventually you realize how diminished you have become and say WTF is going on here!

 

I realized how crazy it was one day when I was getting anxious because it was time for her to come home from work. I was going through the house trying to eliminate anything she could use as an excuse to be pissed and trigger an episode. But she could always find an excuse when she was ready to trigger - it had nothing to do with me at all. One day she went off on me because the dog shook and some dog hair flew off and got on the floor. The realization became clear that day and I started to figure things out.

 

I started reading and discovered BPD. I made an appointment with a psychologist and learned a ton in the first month or two. I learned to set boundaries and not take responsibility for her moods. When she split I ignored it. The counselor told me it would probably get worse before it got better, and there was a good chance it would just get worse and not better. Basically that's what happened.

 

So here's the deal in a nutshell. You can't fix it- you cannot make this relationship better because she has emotional deficits that have nothing to do with you. You are the target onto which she projects the vitriol because of your position as her intimate partner. You almost certainly have weak boundaries and an inability to see alternatives as a realistic possibility, so you invest in the fantasy that something will change and she will transform into a happy person with whom you can have a satisfying relationship. You are a prisoner of sorts in this situation and in your own mind.

 

The only way to escape is to quit taking responsibility for her and exit the relationship. I don't know if you're ready to hear that or act on it, but that is the bottom line.

 

Therapy. Now. The definitive book is Stop Walking On Eggshells

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RecentChange

First I agree, read stop walking on egg shells.

 

Second my mother in law suffers from BPD, and living with her is hell on earth. Like someone else mentioned, she emasculated her husband, the years of abuse at her hands destroyed him until she basically pushed him to an untimely death.

 

Perhaps not conscious, but that woman can be straight evil.

 

I wouldn't wish a relationship with a BPD sufferer on my worst enemy.

 

Run, and run fast - and find out why you ever would put yourself with someone like this in the first place.

Edited by RecentChange
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Hi concerned111, I actually posted a thread about when my ex-girlfriend, who I suspect has BPD, broke up with me. It has been about five weeks now. I can't say for sure whether my ex-girlfriend or your girlfriend actually has BPD, but I can tell you this, the issues you describe are similar to the issues I had with her. And they never got better. I tried, she tried, but you know what, it just never worked. When we moved in together, we fought more. She found even more reasons to be mad at me. There were times when she would be crying every night for weeks straight. She attempted suicide multiple times and I had to stop her and try to snap her out of it. She hadn't cried or attempted suicide ever before we moved in together. I'll bet you and her have some great times together, I know I did with my ex. Just realize that this isn't something that goes away, and it probably isn't something you or her will be able to cure on your own. My ex and I tried to find ways to control her mood swings, and nothing ever worked. We both worked really hard, thought about what to do, but this is the type of problem that requires serious therapy.

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I started opening up to the idea of us living together. We started that conversation back in December.
Bad idea, Concerned. Only a month earlier -- in your November thread -- was when we discussed her apparent BPD traits. I agreed with with Colonel, Kismet, Expat, and DrReply that the paranoid, moody behavior you describe does not sound normal. And I observed that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., angry outbursts, verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, and paranoia -- are warning signs for BPD.

 

I'm walking on eggshells.
As Salparadise notes above, the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

We've broken up like 5 times since we've been together.
BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

I'm just afraid if we move in together the outbursts will continue.
If your GF has strong and persistent BPD traits as you suspect, her outbursts will not only continue but also will get much worse. Although BPDers crave intimacy like nearly everyone else, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Because a BPDer has a weak and unstable self identity, she quickly will start feeling engulfed and controlled by your strong personality during intimacy. This is why a BPDer typically will start the very WORST fights immediately after (or during) the very BEST of times, e.g., right after an intimate evening or great weekend -- or in the middle of a great vacation.

 

Part of me wonders if I have problems myself to still be with her after all our arguing and break ups.... Maybe I have low self esteem.
Maybe so, Concerned. Yet, finding it painful to walk away from a BPDer relationship does NOT prove that you have serious "problems" yourself. It is very VERY easy to fall in love with a high functioning BPDer because, during the courtship, her infatuation over you will keep her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. This means that she likely will exhibit no strong BPD traits for at least 4 to 6 months.

 

At that point in the relationship, it is common -- even for very healthy people -- to spend another 6 to 12 months trying to restore the relationship to the glorious condition they had seen at the beginning. Significantly, you have been in this toxic relationship for only a year. But it still will be very painful to walk away if your GF has strong BPD traits because you'll feel like your abandoning a sick loved one. I therefore suggest that you supplement the Eggshells book recommended by Sal with three good online articles. One is Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9 at BPDfamily) and the second is Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10). The third is Schreiber's blog article, Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved?.

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You have described my bi-polar ex to the tee. Its only been a month sense we have split but like you and your relatiomship.. we have broken up around 5 times in a year. Im starting to think she has borderline now that ive read your post. OP i went through the same hell. It doesnt get better, you just try to form to her behavior as much as possible. You subconscious will get the better of you and every time you try to stand up for yourself she will try to manipulate you. Mostly by leaving and coming back to you. Its a dirty cycle and very toxic. When its good its great but always too good to be true. Also you both have completely different sex drives which obviously effects the relationship to a degree. It did mine too. Breaking it off will be very difficult but you really have to think of whats best for you. Just my 2c. Good luck.

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concerned111

Thank you everyone.

 

I broke up with her today. I regret it already.. My therapist this morning told me she needs help I cannot give her and asked if I really wanted to be walking on eggshells forever. I told her everything, our history with sexual problems, her outbursts, etc, she agreed she seems to have some kind of personality disorder, borderline or possibly some bi polar, stemming from her childhood (alcoholic father who left at an early age, mother was a Navy nurse and so she grew up all over the place from Guam to Alaska)

 

My now ex says she doesn't understand why I was ever walking on eggshells and says I had problems communicating. I think she was more aggressive and I was more passive. I'm wondering if there was more I could have done? She is begging me to not go through with the break up. Saying she will see a therapist now and that she doesn't want the pattern to continue either. It's all very confusing and sad right now, neither of us really knows what to do and we both miss each other terribly. I wish I could have spent the rest of my life with her but I really was walking on eggshells with her and that pressure was too much! I mean I knew there was a reason I was feeling that knot inside me. She insists our lack of communication and her stress was the source of our arguing. I almost believe her but I know there were so many occasions that pointed to some serious personality disorder. I miss the **** out of her and wish I just moved my stuff into her place and talked to her more about our problems.

Edited by concerned111
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RecentChange

Its hard, it hurts... breaking up is never easy. But time will heal.

 

If she truly does have BPD - and it sounds like she does.... Its not something a little therapy is going to "fix" its not something that better communication is really going to improve. Its a life long affliction which she will have to struggle with controlling on a daily basis. But those with BPD hardly EVER (I would dare say never) accept that they are the source of their social problems. Its always someone else. The blame is always shifted, and yes, their loved ones are on egg shells.

 

That knot in your stomach? Now picture it as anxiety and dread as you pull up to your driveway every day to go "home" with her.

 

People with BPD are unpredictable who knows what is going to set off the next explosion. The next outburst of anger - and that is why living with them can be a real hell on earth. Thats why they call it "walking on egg shells".

 

Another thing with BPD - is that they have serious issues with experiencing true emotions (besides the outburts of anger) - and they will try to project their emotions on to you. The manipulation is crazy making.

 

Please - stay the course, SAVE yourself, move on with your life.

 

My father in law stayed. Despite the misery. Despite the egg shells. Despite the abuse. Until he couldn't take "loving" her any more, and took his own life.

 

Hugs! I know its so hard, and she doesn't want to be like this, which makes it even harder. But a life with a mentally ill person.... is not one you deserve.

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Thank you everyone.

 

I broke up with her today. I regret it already.. My therapist this morning told me she needs help I cannot give her and asked if I really wanted to be walking on eggshells forever. I told her everything, our history with sexual problems, her outbursts, etc, she agreed she seems to have some kind of personality disorder, borderline or possibly some bi polar, stemming from her childhood (alcoholic father who left at an early age, mother was a Navy nurse and so she grew up all over the place from Guam to Alaska)

 

My now ex says she doesn't understand why I was ever walking on eggshells and says I had problems communicating. I think she was more aggressive and I was more passive. I'm wondering if there was more I could have done? She is begging me to not go through with the break up. Saying she will see a therapist now and that she doesn't want the pattern to continue either. It's all very confusing and sad right now, neither of us really knows what to do and we both miss each other terribly. I wish I could have spent the rest of my life with her but I really was walking on eggshells with her and that pressure was too much! I mean I knew there was a reason I was feeling that knot inside me. She insists our lack of communication and her stress was the source of our arguing. I almost believe her but I know there were so many occasions that pointed to some serious personality disorder. I miss the **** out of her and wish I just moved my stuff into her place and talked to her more about our problems.

 

Good job! I'm sure that was extremely difficult. As hard as it may be, try not to blame yourself. You may have made mistakes, but it never would have worked. She has a serious problem, and fights would have kept happening whether you were perfect or not. Trust me, moving your stuff into her place and talking more about your problems would not have been the solution. I guarantee she would have found something else you were doing wrong within a couple weeks.

 

I'd go NC to avoid any manipulations or lies. I've heard "I'll go to therapy" before too, when my ex moved out briefly. We talked the few days she was gone, she told me how she was gonna start seeing a therapist. She moved back in and the problems continued, and whenever I mentioned this therapy, it cost too much money.

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Dude, pack up and run! You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.

 

You cant fix crazy!

 

I am almost twice your age and I was in a relationship just like you. When she was good she was amazing. When she was bad is was emotional hell on earth. She couldn't go a week without fighting. She would wake me up yelling because I was snoring. She would start a fight over everything I posted on Facebook...just horrible.

 

Unfortunately she was also pretty, had a killer body and loved sex.

 

She went to therapy for years, engaged in all kinds of self help...it did NOT help.

 

It took me going to a therapist to point out that I was in an abusive relationship. I knew it but had to hear it from a professional before it actually sunk into my fat head!

 

I will asks you what the therapist asked me: are you happy with your relationship? Do you see yourself with her in 5 years?

Edited by Otter2569
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Thank you everyone.

 

I broke up with her today. I regret it already.. My therapist this morning told me she needs help I cannot give her and asked if I really wanted to be walking on eggshells forever. I told her everything, our history with sexual problems, her outbursts, etc, she agreed she seems to have some kind of personality disorder, borderline or possibly some bi polar, stemming from her childhood (alcoholic father who left at an early age, mother was a Navy nurse and so she grew up all over the place from Guam to Alaska)

 

My now ex says she doesn't understand why I was ever walking on eggshells and says I had problems communicating. I think she was more aggressive and I was more passive. I'm wondering if there was more I could have done? She is begging me to not go through with the break up. Saying she will see a therapist now and that she doesn't want the pattern to continue either. It's all very confusing and sad right now, neither of us really knows what to do and we both miss each other terribly. I wish I could have spent the rest of my life with her but I really was walking on eggshells with her and that pressure was too much! I mean I knew there was a reason I was feeling that knot inside me. She insists our lack of communication and her stress was the source of our arguing. I almost believe her but I know there were so many occasions that pointed to some serious personality disorder. I miss the **** out of her and wish I just moved my stuff into her place and talked to her more about our problems.

 

You MUST stay strong. You can't let her get around you, nothing would change, in fact it would get worse. Intimacy makes them get worse.

 

I'm very sorry you are going through this but you absolutely must stick to your guns.

 

This is waaaaay out of your control.

 

My ex was in touch with me briefly (haven't seen him for 2 years) and it took him a very short time to create huge amounts of trouble. It took me 4 days of fighting to get him stop talking to me. It never ends, doesn't get better. There is nothing you can do.

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Your ex sounds like mine also, who broke up with me in a really messy way 3 weeks ago today. I and she are older than you guys and we were together for 3 and a half years, although the last 6 months was horrific.

 

The walking on eggshells, the hours long tirades of abuse following what most would see as a trivial "infraction" that could easily be sorted in 5 minutes, the messed up mind games, the feeling that no matter what you do, it's not enough, the no-win situations you find yourself in, the knot in your stomach wondering which version you are getting today. I identify with it all. Mine also seemed to get some sort of sick pleasure in making me insecure, always (jokingly) talking about her "other man", and then telling everyone how crazy I was when I did start getting insecure.

 

Mine was also very preoccupied with her appearance. As though that meant more than treating people right. She is very pretty, and has a lovely body, but that **** is meaningless if when you look beneath the surface all you see is ugly.

 

As others have said, it's crazy making. The last 6 months I even started mirroring some of her behaviour, in a kind of fight fire with fire mentality. That just made things worse, and made me feel terrible because looking back at some of the situations over those last months, I don't recognize myself. I'm the most easy going and laid back bloke you could meet, but she turned me into a jealous, insecure, paranoid wreck, and then of course was able to say "I told you so. YOU are the problem, not me"

 

I'm pretty sure my ex is already seeing someone else, although we live 40 miles apart so it's easy for me not to bump into her. I just keep reminding myself that he will get the same treatment that I did, and that I'm lucky that it was only 3 years, we didn't live together, have no kids and so on. Some other poor sod can be the subject of her abuse.

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I'm wondering if there was more I could have done? ...She insists our lack of communication and her stress was the source of our arguing.
No, if she is a BPDer as you and your therapist suspect, a "lack of communication" is NOT the problem. This is why, in BPDer relationships, going to a MC is a total waste of time until the BPDer has had years of intensive therapy to address the underlying issues. Although MC generally are excellent at teaching communication skills, they are not trained to address those deeper issues.

 

The problem is not communication but, rather, the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

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frigginlost

 

The problem is not communication but, rather, the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

This right here is Gold. Simply Gold.

 

Like Downtown, I have been in a relationship with a BPD woman, and I have a very close friend who is one as well. Please take what Downtown has stated to heart. He absolutely (once again) nails the true essence of the hardest and most frustrating part about being with someone who has BPD.

 

You want to fight with everything you have to find that "Goldilocks position" but it simply does not exist with an untreated BPD person. It can't be found. Ever. As you work on your communication so badly to find it, the manipulation will begin from their end.

 

I still carry scars from my relationship with a BPD woman. The amount of "what if I did this differently" thoughts I still have is mind boggling. The amount of manipulation a BPD person can do is staggering. Simply staggering.

 

If I can give you one piece of advice it would be to absolutely disappear for a while until your head starts to clear its fog. Slowly, very slowly, you will start to see things... but it is going to take some time.

 

I even went as far as trying to remain friends with my BPD ex as the amount of guilt I felt was extreme. It was a very, very, bad move on my part...

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RecentChange

^^ my mother in law is known for calling and leaving voicemail screaming "leave me alone!"

 

Ummm, you're the one that called.

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concerned111

Thank you everyone for your posts and support.

 

We talked a while on the phone last night and she tried explaining to me she is this way because her last relationship she was abused by a narcissist. she painted the picture that all our arguments have been because of lack of communication or lately her frustrations with me not being ready to move in. I guess that could touch on the fear of abandonment?

 

I feel I never saw her fear of engulfment. It was like I could never have done too much for her.

 

A big part of me wants to believe her. I feel so bad for her. I want to believe that she will change once her environment changes, and that if she went to therapy and we went to couples therapy and learned how to communicate better, that things could work and she could find peace and be happy. I want to believe she does not have any personality disorders and has really just had a tough time lately. She told me she was never like this before her ex. She was never argumentative or negative or paranoid. She told me she has relationship ptsd from that guy. I wish she sorted this out before we started dating..

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Thank you everyone for your posts and support.

 

We talked a while on the phone last night and she tried explaining to me she is this way because her last relationship she was abused by a narcissist. she painted the picture that all our arguments have been because of lack of communication or lately her frustrations with me not being ready to move in. I guess that could touch on the fear of abandonment?

 

I feel I never saw her fear of engulfment. It was like I could never have done too much for her.

 

A big part of me wants to believe her. I feel so bad for her. I want to believe that she will change once her environment changes, and that if she went to therapy and we went to couples therapy and learned how to communicate better, that things could work and she could find peace and be happy. I want to believe she does not have any personality disorders and has really just had a tough time lately. She told me she was never like this before her ex. She was never argumentative or negative or paranoid. She told me she has relationship ptsd from that guy. I wish she sorted this out before we started dating..

 

You really want to turn 5 breakups into 6? Ive seriously gone done your path. We thought moving in together would solve the problem too. So we did. And it didnt work. The fights just got worst.

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frigginlost
Thank you everyone for your posts and support.

 

We talked a while on the phone last night and she tried explaining to me she is this way because her last relationship she was abused by a narcissist. she painted the picture that all our arguments have been because of lack of communication or lately her frustrations with me not being ready to move in. I guess that could touch on the fear of abandonment?

 

I feel I never saw her fear of engulfment. It was like I could never have done too much for her.

 

A big part of me wants to believe her. I feel so bad for her. I want to believe that she will change once her environment changes, and that if she went to therapy and we went to couples therapy and learned how to communicate better, that things could work and she could find peace and be happy. I want to believe she does not have any personality disorders and has really just had a tough time lately. She told me she was never like this before her ex. She was never argumentative or negative or paranoid. She told me she has relationship ptsd from that guy. I wish she sorted this out before we started dating..

 

Concerned111,

 

The amount of empathy I have for you really resonates in me. My ex "blamed" our "communication" issues on the fact that she thinks her Mother is a Narcissist and her reactions were because of it. Is there truth to it? Could be. But in all honesty, her inability to deal with any issues with her Mom, and instead project it all on me was just brutal.

 

Nobody here knows the dynamics of your relationship with your ex, but I can tell you, I know exactly where you are at. I was there. Multiple times. The ex and I broke-up, got back together, only to break-up again within 3 months.

 

Downtown (his wisdom is so fascinating to me) nailed the timeline for a BPD "flare-up" to happen when he stated 4-6 months. My ex was right at 3 months. We would be so right, and so perfect for 3 months, and then like a light switch, she would flip. With her it was looking for emotional support outside the relationship with male friends. Her male friends would feed on her reservations about me, and would constantly feed that ego she did not have with words of constant admiration of her. She is a knockout gorgeous girl and guys lined up to "get their chance" this in return caused her to "split me black".

 

I understand you really, really, want to make it work with her, and to be honest, I am not going to tell you not to try. Sometimes the only way a person can keep from getting a headache is to realize that they might be the one holding the bat that keeps hitting them.

 

I offer you this if you do decide to go down that route:

 

Do not under any circumstances plan anything with her regarding your future for the next 4 months. Watch her actions completely. Go as slow with her as humanly possible as she will not be able to control her BPD reactions for long. Do not, and I mean *never* sacrifice your boundaries trying to appease her. The moment you do, your goose is cooked...

 

Come back here as often as you need, as there are a ton here that can help.

 

I wish you all the best!

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Thank you everyone for your posts and support.

 

We talked a while on the phone last night and she tried explaining to me she is this way because her last relationship she was abused by a narcissist. she painted the picture that all our arguments have been because of lack of communication or lately her frustrations with me not being ready to move in. I guess that could touch on the fear of abandonment?

 

I feel I never saw her fear of engulfment. It was like I could never have done too much for her.

 

A big part of me wants to believe her. I feel so bad for her. I want to believe that she will change once her environment changes, and that if she went to therapy and we went to couples therapy and learned how to communicate better, that things could work and she could find peace and be happy. I want to believe she does not have any personality disorders and has really just had a tough time lately. She told me she was never like this before her ex. She was never argumentative or negative or paranoid. She told me she has relationship ptsd from that guy. I wish she sorted this out before we started dating..

Bwahahaha my ex told me I was the only person he ever had arguments with. Even though he called at least one previous girlfriend crazy. I put him up when he was in trouble with the army over fighting. He lost his job because of something incredibly impulsive and idiotic.

 

She isn't telling the truth. Have you thought about that?

 

Couple's therapy? Really? What are you, old marrieds with 5 kids that you have to work SO HARD?

 

Get real man, what's wrong with you?

 

It. Will. Never. Be. Her. Fault.

 

She will tell her next bf that it was all you. Because you are a narcissist.

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