valkyrie91 Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Hey guys, so iv got a unique situation and im really stuck for what to do, i was dating this girl for 2 years (long distance England to Northern Ireland) im 24 and shes 22 She dumped me back in late december just gone. i was massively depressed myself due to lots of unfortunate events that had happened previously in my life before i dated this girl,(im proud to say im almost depression free) we used to share the travel visiting each other every month, her family accepted me with open arms and still do and are loving towards me. me and her have spoke since the breakup briefly a few times. shes completely addicted to online gaming and has chosen a fantasy life over real life and is now massively depressed herself, her mother stays in contact with me regularly and is worried about her. after she dumped me 1 week later she told me about a guy she likes who shes met in a game (they talk using voice chat) now claims she loves him so much..they have never even seen each other on webcam or anything and has been saying crazy things about deserting her family for this guy. hes also been in contact with me being very patronising and also messaged my ex's mother hateful things i wont say here.. shes completely clinging to him she has no social life at all now im not in the picture anymore. i really feel for her, not even as a lover but just as someone who cares about her genuinely, we spoke on the phone together a couple of weeks ago and she said she wasnt against me going to visit her in may but has to take this guys feelings into consideration, her mother also really wants me to go over and visit aswell. she also claims shes the happiest shes ever been right now, but everytime i talk to her she reflects back or brings up our past relationship, im trying to be there for her as a friend just to get her out socializing and not stuck in doors 24/7. i could really use anyones opinion whos ever had something like this happen before, i know i could just easily walk away..but i really dont want to give up on this girl (as cheesey as that sounds) Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 All I can say is that you have put yourself in the friend zone. If you feel you can just be friends and that's all for now and for the future, then by all means keep doing what you are doing in talking with her and her family. She dumped you. She has told you she's in love with another guy and you are talking with her just like her buddy. Her male bestie. Link to post Share on other sites
Randomlyrandomme Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 I'm very happy you've fought you're depression and proud as well that you're almost there. I've seen and experienced my share of mental health woes. My concern is that is that "almost there" isn't going to be enough. I'm sure you feel a renewed strength, coming back as far as you have, and that strength is real. But it won't be enough for either you or her to cope with the pressure. You have to get to a place where you are not only good enough to be healthy, you have to practice at living healthy. You're out of practice. You have the emotional strength, but not yet the endurance. You have to complete your process, then get over her. Find out what you can be when you focus on yourself. Then, if you still choose to go try to help her. But one thing you need to remember is that she didn't want your help. She chose to cut you out her circle. Maybe she doesn't think she needs your help. You and her mother can't control her actions and motivations. I assume she's an adult. And talking with the mother of your ex is counter productive to your recovery, as is contact with your ex. It really seems like you need more time to work things out for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
kasop Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 If i found out that my ex was with someone just a week after she dumped me i would be devasted. Thats what nc is for. Ask yourself why do you care for someone who doesnt care nearly as much for you. Cut contact. You can make new friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author valkyrie91 Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 so i was in a ldr with a girl, we used to meet in person every month for 2 years, in late december 2015 she dumped me was confused about her feelings to me of being my girlfriend or just a friend 'fell out of love with me' , in the latter part of the relationship i was really struggling with hard depression, which i think she also had a little depression also for what was going on in her life. we've done the whole thing of saying we'll be friends ect...her family still talk to me and want me to go over and visit in may but out of respect for the girl i dont want to go over if shes not cool with it. everytime we've spoken via text shes angry at me for sorting my life out and getting help for my depression now and not when i was in the relationship with her, iv told her im happy and im happy for her in whatever she chooses to do in life goals ambitions passions relationships ect...but i cant get past her emotional anger / coldness to me when i try to talk to her like normal im trying to understand her reasoning for choosing to be angry at me. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 The simplest and best solution would be for you to accept that it's really over, and go NC. How does it make sense to talk to someone who responds with "emotional anger / coldness" when you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author valkyrie91 Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 i agree satu, iv decided to go nc for a month or 2 to see if her emotions settle down towards me hey at the end of the day shes the one who dumped me right? it was her decision to leave, i mean i genuinely think we were good together but our depression pushed us further away from each other. im not in denial the break up needed to happen for us to both evaluate our own lives and what was wrong with them. shes started dating somebody who is also long distance same country as me infact, which she told me about 1 week after dumping me..i told her if thats what she wants im happy for her, in my personal opinion not looking at it from ex boyfriends point of view, they havent even seen each other on webcam or met each other in person and has told me shes moving out of home for him ect..and leaving her family for him (her mother doesnt agree with what shes doing at all) and hes also sent her mother hateful messages) but i know that isnt and shouldnt be my problem anymore..in all honesty after me going through thearpy sessions and changing my outlook on life it seems like her whole perspective on what is reality and what is fantasy is real to her. i honestly want her to be happy, and although she claims to love this other personal instantly after dumping me she doesnt seem happy at all...its sad all i want is the best for her...i know im not her boyfriend but it doesnt mean that i dont care still that feeling will remain for a long time if not forever she was the first girl i felt genuine love for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 You can't be responsible for her happiness, so stop worrying about it. She will be or she won't be, and all you can do is react... or better yet, don't react. Your NC plan is probably the best way to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author valkyrie91 Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 yeah when i spoke to her on the phone i asked her if it would honestly bother her if i visited her mother and brother and we can just hang out no pressure or anything of those sorts, she said she didnt mind but has to take this online guys feelings into consideration, its like shes still in 2 minds about me and her, herself i mean...yes thats not my problem your right im trying not to worry. infact iv rekindled alot of old friendships and am striving towards a career i want to be in. shes not indifferent towards me and to be honest i dont think she knows what she wants herself, nc for a couple of months is definately a must you guys are totally right there, i mean for myself i dont mind just being friends with her, and if something happens ill just go with the flow of it im not going to rule anything out in life thats for sure. its just sad that instead of trying to fix things we both just put up walls against each other i know she feels about me in some sort of weird way still her current online male interest thinks shes still in love with me, even though she says she isnt... i think she really did love me and saw what depression did to me and hated the person id become... she also has strong fears of rejection / abandonment due to childhood issues. shes said things like...its going to take you a long time to convince me that you really have changed, if im to be honest with you, im happy that your doing all this with your life now. but also angry..angry it took you so long. however at the same time i dont think it will last once your motivation is gone you fall back into your same old ways. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkElephants Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 She might be upset that you chose not to get help while with her which created a situation she had to leave. Now that you're single you're doing exactly what she wished you would have done while with her. As soon as you get help you could find a healthier relationship and forget about her. All of this plays into her rejection/abandonment issues. In her mind, she didn't inspire you/wasn't good enough for you to change before. Now you're going to do it and some other girl will get the you she wanted. Being supportive when she mentioned the other guy was a further rejection because you didn't get jealous or want her back. NC is a good plan; none of this sounds constructive for either of you. Good luck with your new career. Link to post Share on other sites
Author valkyrie91 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 just a quick question my ex girlfriend dumped me because she 'fell out of love with me' to some degree i dont blame her i had severe depression the past year i couldnt love myself let alone anyone else. just before she dumped me, i told her to give me the benefit of the doubt as i was on the verge of getting counciling / help / positivity back in my life. she went through with dumping me give me its too little too late kinda thing and is interested in someone online, but they have never met... iv tried staying friendly as she said she was confused about her feelings towards me as just a friend or my girlfriend... so i was talking to her just trying some light hearted conversation and i mentioned a place i went and visited she got angry and was saying i dont wanna hear about places I Wanted to go / do with you.. im happy within myself once again but shes angry that im happy and out doing things? im confused. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 just a quick question my ex girlfriend dumped me because she 'fell out of love with me' to some degree i dont blame her i had severe depression the past year i couldnt love myself let alone anyone else. just before she dumped me, i told her to give me the benefit of the doubt as i was on the verge of getting counciling / help / positivity back in my life. she went through with dumping me give me its too little too late kinda thing and is interested in someone online, but they have never met... iv tried staying friendly as she said she was confused about her feelings towards me as just a friend or my girlfriend... so i was talking to her just trying some light hearted conversation and i mentioned a place i went and visited she got angry and was saying i dont wanna hear about places I Wanted to go / do with you.. im happy within myself once again but shes angry that im happy and out doing things? im confused. Correct. She is not happy that you are continuing your life and not pining for her. Too bad. Her decision to end it. You just keep being you. She's being immature. Let her stew. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoebe Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 She might be upset that you chose not to get help while with her which created a situation she had to leave. Now that you're single you're doing exactly what she wished you would have done while with her. As soon as you get help you could find a healthier relationship and forget about her. All of this plays into her rejection/abandonment issues. In her mind, she didn't inspire you/wasn't good enough for you to change before. Now you're going to do it and some other girl will get the you she wanted. Being supportive when she mentioned the other guy was a further rejection because you didn't get jealous or want her back. NC is a good plan; none of this sounds constructive for either of you. Good luck with your new career. PinkElephants gave you excellent advice on another thread that you created just a few days ago. What happened to your plan of going NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author valkyrie91 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 couldnt find the post for some reason so a reposted im still in NC dont worry pheobe Link to post Share on other sites
Author valkyrie91 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Share Posted May 3, 2016 so at the end of this month im visiting my ex's mom to go to one of her exhibitions (her family were always close to me) i still have feelings for my ex girlfriend and she'll be there, shes agreed to let me come over and go with them, as i didnt wanna go if my ex wasnt cool with it, she knows how i feel about her, and everytime iv mentioned moving on she avoids the question completely, and gives me the silent treatment 90% of the time, (she dumped me) its like she doesnt want me, but wont tell me to move on or anything, im not sure if shes using me as a safety net or for validation shes a very insecure lonely girl. i dont understand her motives at all. iv made alot of changes to myself after the break up my life has got better, furthering in studies and going to the gym alot, i dont know if she genuinely wants to see me or is using me visiting this exhibition with her and her mum to see if i have changed (we were long distance 2 year relationship) i just want to act like my nice normal self while im there and not pressure her for anything. (id love us to get talking properly again) but she only messages me with things like : why do you love me? theres better people that can offer you more, better people than me, : tells me to let go of my feelings, then when i mention about moving on and letting go of them, she will ghost the question alltogether i dont understand at all.. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Don't go. Seriously. There is no upside to you attending. Your EX has self esteem issues. You can't fix them but until she does she will never be in a healthy position to date you or anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author valkyrie91 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Share Posted May 4, 2016 i know im only going because her mum really wants me there shes literally my mum 2.0 iv told my ex, if its best for all ill let go of my feelings stop interacting with your family and leave you alone to which she answered, i answered your question about coming over you can, lets leave it at that, your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Your ex just isn't that into you dude. If you go, you need to go for the exhibition, not to try to rekindle anything with your ex. Your ex uses you for support because you allow it. It's not up to her to let you free, it's up to you to let yourself free. It's not your ex's job to tell you to move on -- the fact that she has no interest in rekindling a romantic relationship with you is evidence enough that you should move on. Instead of trying to figure out her motives, you need to figure out why you keep slamming your head against a brick wall. Link to post Share on other sites
Author valkyrie91 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Share Posted May 4, 2016 yeah well its been 5 months now, id mostly be going cause i genuinely love her family and they love me to bits, like i said im just gonna be myself and not pressure her for anything, great if we get along well thats fine, im at the point where she knows how i feel about her but i wouldnt get upset or butthurt, shes severely depressed also, but iv tried to express to her i dont wanna come inbetween her family and her (who i care about obviously) because what if she gets a boyfriend, and her mums talking to me constantly i dont wanna be the bad guy you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 The only way you should go is if you don't focus on the ex at all. That doesn't mean ignore her or be mean to her, but she's is not the reason to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author valkyrie91 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Share Posted May 4, 2016 yeah exactly thats what i intend to do Simon, and visit some friends while im over there, its just im staying in there family home, im not gonna make things awkward but im not sure if she'll make me feel awkward, since we've virtually had hardly any contact, last time we spoke on the phone was end of january. i know her mum wants to see us together again and her family told her she isnt going to find a better guy than me ect...ect... i just hope her mum isnt inviting me as an intention to get us talking again Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 I would pull the plug on this trip or stay with your friends. Staying in your ex's family's house is a pretty awkward situation. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 ...i dont wanna come inbetween her family and her... You are! She gets pissed off any time you talk to her. Why the heck would you go stay at their house to see her family? Even if you "really, really love her parents," that is a messed up situation to put her in. If you cannot see that, you seem very naive. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 You are! She gets pissed off any time you talk to her. Why the heck would you go stay at their house to see her family? Even if you "really, really love her parents," that is a messed up situation to put her in. If you cannot see that, you seem very naive. And in denial about his true intentions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Her family cannot force her to take you back.. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts