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I need closure... Did I do the right thing


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I debated writing this in case she finds it somehow, but I've got no one to talk to really about it and it's all I can think about...

 

So I was with a girl for about 1 year, I'm 25 shes 23, and she dumped me on face time early December (two weeks before Christmas).

 

Things were rocky at times but we never argued or cursed at each other, we texted/talked almost every hour for like a year, we were in love (I thought), having always said it, going on about fifty dates and buying gifts, being affectionate, everything.

 

A month before breaking up we agreed after uni we would move in together. She still lives at home with a mother/sister, both which are very close with her.

 

In September I moved out of the country but made plans to come back every 2 months, and for her to visit; to help things work. We face timed every other day, texted every couple hours like usual, all was normal till Thanksgiving.

 

I surprised her and flew home because it was also her birthday. Things were nice, we had sex for her first time(our first time), after eight or nine months together, and things started getting bad.

 

She was kind of depressed on her birthday, even though her family and I cooked for her, brought her gifts and were with her. We didn't spend Thanksgiving together, but a sticking point is she could never stay the night because her mom wouldn't let her, so the day after Thanksgiving I told her it's kind of ridiculous and she needs to really grow out of it. We couldn't travel or plan long trips together because of this.

 

We had a falling out, we never met before I left, but we started to get back to normal in a week or two. I asked if she was still unsure about us and she said ''I don't know" and I of course said I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me.

 

Two days later she dumped me over face time crying her eyes out saying she feels unhealthy, is really stressed trying to do well last semester of school, that I'm inconsiderate, and that we should stop dating.

 

I kept it cool, agreed, but said I couldn't only be a friend. I employed no contact, deleted/blocked her and her sister off Facebook/everything and went two weeks NC.

 

I came back for Christmas, and sent her a merry Christmas text and she responded immediately. I sent another random message about class around new years eve and we started chatting again like old times. I tried to meet up again and she said she was busy, didn't know what we would talk about, and I decided to go no contact again; that was Jan. 12.

 

She sent a message 4 days later wishing me luck on an exam, but I ignored it. I've been no contact for a month and half.

 

I was wondering if she is thinking about me and if no contact was the right thing to do. She’s very shy, doesn’t really know how to deal with men because her father was never around, and her mother/sister I’m sure are forcing their opinions.

 

I love her like crazy, but I've got a bit more dignity than to come begging (I never did that phase, skipped right to no contact).

 

Ill be returning in another month and will be back for nearly three weeks, then leave for a month, and back permanently in May.

 

Ideally I'd love to be with her again as after 25 years I've never felt what we had, but I know I've probably been too pushy at times and things need to be more calm.

 

Will no contact work for me to help her come back? Should I have been more supportive and open to ‘friends’ because of stressful LDR and intimate details?

 

I don’t really want to move on and I have a feeling she regrets it but is too shy to reach out. Should I be staying NC or what?:(

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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No replies :(

 

Reason it's bothering me is because this is the time she would have come visit me for vacation. I feel I came off as needy, having paid for everything always, being the first to drop the L word, and overall seeming clingy. I was trying to be a gentleman by providing, but when I felt it wasnt equal I made it apparent and was stern. I just don't know what to think, she's very young mentally and inexperienced but has a level of serious narcissism because she's extremely attractive. It's a tough cookie to crack; how to act loving and give attention without seeming needy.

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EatYourVeggies
she's very young mentally and inexperienced but has a level of serious narcissism because she's extremely attractive.

 

Right... deep down you get it.

 

She is 23, sowing her wild oats and having fun just like most people her age. If you read through the threads here, you will see 80% are by guys around your age where their late teen / early 20s GF dumped them for the exact same reason.

 

It's a tough cookie to crack; how to act loving and give attention without seeming needy.

 

There was nothing you could have done that would have resulted in a different outcome.

 

When I was in my 20s, a Victoria Secret model couldn't have locked me down or convinced me to marry her.

 

No different than your Ex. Just the stage of life she is in.

Edited by EatYourVeggies
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Satu, you read my first post, how could a girl be so cold as to want other men after making plans to vacation with and move in with a man that loves her and she says she loves in return. You've got some serious experience on these forums so I'm taking what you say quite seriously...

 

Thing is after extensive creeping I'm like 65-70% sure there's no one else, let alone better; without sounding like a conceded prick. She tries to get my attention on IG sometimes by wearing things I gave her and posting captions only I'd understand, then blocking me and unblocking me, really childish stuff. I feel like because I was her first and she dumped me shortly after, that she just doesn't know what to think because the strict upbringing and narcissism. One part of me wants to be supportive as maybe she thinks I wasn't 'worthy' or something, the other part of me says stay NC as she needs to grow up like I told her...

Edited by JohnFDoe
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EatYourVeggies
Thing is after extensive creeping I'm like 65-70% sure there's no one else, let alone better; without sounding like a conceded prick.

 

She ISN'T looking for "the one". In fact, she will purposely avoid dating the "marrying type". So don't think it's some sort of contest or she doesn't know what she is doing. Trust me, she knows EXACTLY what she is doing and what type of guy you are (which is a great one). Problem is, she doesn't want that right now or for the foreseeable future.

 

I make well into the six figures, was prom the king, live in a house, drive a nice car, come from a good family, lots of friends, go to church, take lavish vacations, romantic, giving, thoughtful, etc.

 

Still had women break up with me to go date DJs, struggling artists, bad boys, bartenders, etc.

 

Also, when younger I broke up with and avoided dating women that were very attractive, wonderful and I knew were the "marrying type" because for many YEARS that is the last thing on earth I wanted.

 

Not everyone has the desire or wants to "sow their wild oats" but for those of us that do, there is NOTHING you can do that will stop or prevent.

 

If you are one the people who doesn't understand the whole "sowing your wild oats" thing... It's impossible for me to explain it. It goes against everything you think and will never for the life of you, comprehend it. Just watch what your does EX does (I'd advice against it) or take me at my word.

 

I feel like because I was her first and she dumped me shortly after, that she just doesn't know what to think because the strict upbringing and narcissism.

 

EXACTLY!!! This is PRECISELY why she broke up. The very reasons why you think she should date you is the very reasons she doesn't want too.

 

You probably still wont get or understand why someone would be this way but perhaps this will help:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

One part of me wants to be supportive as maybe she thinks I wasn't worthy' or something, the other part of me says stay NC as she needs to grow up like I told her...

 

Supportive of what? You disagree with her, her lifestyle. the types of guys she will date which will go on YEARS.

Edited by EatYourVeggies
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EatYourVeggies,

Damn man that sowing the seed thing is interesting because her sisters IG description is the ghandi quote about 'keep sowing your seed because you never know what will grow up, maybe it all will'.

 

Now that I've been NC for almost two months I can look back at the red flags. Her dad was/is a complete loser alcoholic and the three of them view men as untrustworthy providers; her mom said I was the first man to become part of their home for many many years. In essence I do feel used and I am a bit bitter about it because the lovey dovey stuff we did and the romantic side of our personal relationship. The companionship, making plans, the I love yous... It feels all hollow and deceptive now. I regret breaking NC during Christmas but atleast I tried, I get the sowing the seed thing now... It's not about finding a companion for people like this, it's about swinging to the higher monkey branch and deception.

 

I'm guessing there's no hope coming back from this; it just blows because I still have strong feelings for her and there was no physical closure seeing as we have some of eachothers things. Should I just stay no contact? I return home in three weeks, I'm putting it at a 50/50 she will contact me... If she does what do I say?

Edited by JohnFDoe
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EatYourVeggies
Her dad was/is a complete loser alcoholic and the three of them view men as untrustworthy providers; her mom said I was the first man to become part of their home for many many years.

 

Look, "sowing your wild oats" is not a bad thing and to why it happens isn't always too. It just isn't for you.

 

I never dated strippers, crack addicts or anything close to that. Just didn't want to be tied down while I was focused on my career and wanted to see what was out there.

 

Do some people take "sowing their wild oats" too far to the point of going off the rails and ruining their lives. Sure. As with all things in life, some people take things like gambling, drinking, porn, work, sports, etc. too far too. Does their upbringing have something to do it? I would say for the most part yes. However, it's no uncommon to see people from the worst environments that wanted no part in it and people from amazing ones ruin their lives. I think it's a case by case basis depending on the person.

 

In essence I do feel used and I am a bit bitter about it because the lovey dovey stuff we did and the romantic side of our personal relationship. The companionship, making plans, the I love yous... It feels all hollow and deceptive now.

 

I knew you would feel that way but you shouldn't. I didn't lie too or "use" women I dated and I only have positive things to say about them and the time we shared.

 

Just bad timing is all it is and how you should look at it. I suspect if you met her in 4 or 5 years we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Edited by EatYourVeggies
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'The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them.'

Took that from the GIGS thread, damn. It's true, she was balling talking about stress in life and external things that didn't pertain to me; she never gave a true reason. It's just hard for me because I'm very logical and business oriented, so is she being a business major and analytical, but it's true she's too young still.

 

She wanted to stay friends and when I said I wouldn't want that, she almost had a heart attack. I truely feel like she loved me but needs time to grow up. I'm not going to be her gay male friend watching her with other men, I've got dignity and many opportunities myself.

 

Problem is when I rationally think about it and logically lay it out, I feel strong, but it's the lonely nights and racing thoughts that kill me. One thing I left out was a year and half ago my mom passed at an early age, I met my ex a month later. She helped me through it at times, having been in the same exact position with her grandma. Now I'm away doing my post grad, 8 months apart, it's all too much for her I think.

Edited by JohnFDoe
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Satu, you read my first *post, how could a girl be so cold as to want other men after making plans to vacation with and move in with a man that loves her and she says she loves in return. You've got some serious experience on these forums so I'm taking what you say quite seriously...

 

**Thing is after extensive creeping I'm like 65-70% sure there's no one else, let alone better; without sounding like a conceded prick. She tries to get my attention on IG sometimes by wearing things I gave her and posting captions only I'd understand, then blocking me and unblocking me, really childish stuff. I feel like because I was her first and she dumped me shortly after, that she just doesn't know what to think because the strict upbringing and narcissism. One part of me wants to be supportive as maybe she thinks I wasn't 'worthy' or something, the other part of me says stay NC as she needs to grow up like I told her...

 

*She's a 23 year old with all the right hormones, she hasn't taken a vow of chastity, and there are lots of interesting men out there...

 

**There might well be no-one else at the moment, but there will be.

 

Nature will take care of that.

 

But what she does doesn't matter.

 

What matters is what you do.

 

Make good choices and act on them.

 

 

Take care.

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Satu is spot on, the search for answers will drive you insane, put that time and effort into loving you again. What you do know is she's not the one, tough reading when you're going through it all, but for a youngie you seem more with it than others who take great offence when being told the hard truth (Corey helping I'm guessing)

 

 

What I can tell you in my journey 6 months out, with a few dates here and there... is although I still care for my ex, wild horses couldn't drag me back now I've once again had fun with other amazing women out there. Keep searching , use this experience to grow - the next one will be easier, I guarantee and the numbers suggest approx. 7 long term relationships for the majority of us before finding someone really, really long term ;)

Edited by theredpill
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Satu, the thought of that still infuriates me two and half months later seeing as we waited nearly a year(conservative religious deal)... But I know it's something I must cope with. You're right about 'its what I do that matters'. Damn. I do know that if she goes through the GIGS, gets with other guys, and tries to come back, there's no way I'd look at her as LTR worthy. It's just a thing I've got mentally I couldn't overcome.

 

I'll keep this thread going as I go along weeks and months down the road, it will be interesting to see how this developes

 

I've got a lot of dates I lined up but backed out the last minute because I'm just not feeling it yet. I started playing the whole tinder/IG game for a bit of an ego boost and it's overwhelmingly successful. I don't mean to sound weak but if I'm not really into it I can't, but in the same breath I feel like I wasting time. It's still fresh only a couple months, how long did this take you Redpill.

Edited by JohnFDoe
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*Satu, the thought of that still infuriates me two and half months later seeing as we waited nearly a year(conservative religious deal)... But I know it's something I must cope with. You're right about 'its what I do that matters'. Damn. I do know that if she goes through the GIGS, gets with other guys, and tries to come back, there's no way I'd look at her as LTR worthy. It's just a thing I've got mentally I couldn't overcome.

 

I'll keep this thread going as I go along weeks and months down the road, it will be interesting to see how this developes

 

*Of course that is a hot topic. It is for everyone at a certain point in the process of detaching.

 

You'll move beyond it in due course, and you'll eventually get to a point where you don't care what she does.

 

In the meantime, keep investing in yourself.

 

Thats one investment that always brings a good return :)

 

 

Take care.

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EatYourVeggies
I do know that if she goes through the GIGS, gets with other guys, and tries to come back, there's no way I'd look at her as LTR worthy. It's just a thing I've got mentally I couldn't overcome.

 

The only reason she will come back in the near term is for a shoulder to cry on temporarily. Trust me, she will be off again dating some new jack off in no time. If she comes around and finally does want what you have to "offer" it won't be for many, many YEARS, I assure you.

 

Your ego / pride won't allow you to be chump even if you try too. So don't sweat it.

 

I'll keep this thread going as I go along weeks and months down the road, it will be interesting to see how this develops.

 

Do yourself a favor and follow the advice given in the G.I.G.S. thread. The less you know, the better off you are when it comes to Ex.

 

Your Ex isn't a freak or anything. You are going to keep running into tons of people (guys and girls) who are doing what she is and especially if you are on tender. Their isn't anything wrong with them, they aren't evil or anything. They are just dating around and having fun.

 

They are pretty straight forward about what they are doing and looking for. Either enjoy the brief ride or go find one who is in the same stage of life as you and looking for something "more".

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Veggies, problem is that damn Instagram, I have to voluntarily keep myself from looking which is hard. I think because she doesn't have someone new yet, and neither do I, it's hard not to check it. I think if I saw her with another guy I'd be pissed for a day then move on for good. I honestly feel she's the same way because I'd say every couple days she's going public, back to private; blocking my account and unblocking my account.

 

I've started to play the game myself a bit and rack up female contacts in IG and tinder (a couple hundred solid girls) to chat up for when I'm ready. I'm looking pretty good physically, just the work load with school is heavy.

 

I know it's childish for me to even think of it as a game, I should just move on, but it's positive motivation for me. I would feel better knowing I'm better physically and career wise than the new guy she gets, and that's a bit of motivation short term... Long term I realize the feelings will fade and I'll one day wake up and ask 'wtf am I doing', which I'm already realizing. But for now I'm going to win a little each day and eventually she will know what she lost.

Edited by JohnFDoe
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EatYourVeggies
Veggies, problem is that damn Instagram, I have to voluntarily keep myself from looking which is hard.

 

I'm not a social media kind of guy and come from a time when you just "lose their number".

 

I also have a very low pain tolerance and not the type of guy who needs to hit himself in the head with a hammer repeatedly to realize it hurts or finally so hard I knock myself so I can't continue to keep doing it.

 

For some, they need to hit their head with the hammer and stalk and it's usually when they finally see their Ex making out with some new person the pain is too great, get knocked out and finally able to stop themselves from doing it any longer.

 

I don't get it but maybe you are one of these types. From what I see on here, the Social Media types are really drawn to this type of behavior.

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Snip

 

 

*I know it's childish for me to even think of it as a game, I should just move on, but it's positive motivation for me.

 

Where you are now is where you are.

 

As time passes your feelings will naturally change.

 

It's a process.

 

What seems important now will become unimportant to you later.

 

Honour your moment.

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Honestly, she's not the unhealthy one in this story.

 

"I came back...."

 

You use this phrase about "coming back" repeatedly in your post. The other half of this equation is: "I left" or "I'm not there." The simple fact of the matter is: you're NOT AVAILABLE for a relationship.

 

Texting is communication - not a relationship. Social media is for announcing - not relating.

 

You showing up occasionally on holiday is not a relationship.

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RRM; it's true and a part me wonders if this is a test to see what Id do being away and single (if I really did love her and what not), which is kind of messed up but her style. There were things about her I didn't like, red flags, like always wanting to go out to dinners and look nice in public instead of watch a movie together and spend quality time... Goes back to the sowing the seed thing I guess. Constantly having to foot the bill to make her feel special, which I could, but often did remorsefully deep down.

 

I think the fact that for her first time I didn't come out riding a unicorn with a gold aura; that maybe it didn't meet her mental image and she's confused if she really had feelings or what.

 

At the end of the day it's impossible to know, but facts are time/space screwed it up but there was a rotten core to begin with. She's very young mentally having not gone away for college, and wasn't ready for something serious but maybe just fun. I'm quite confident she will contact me sometime this year trying to reconcile as friends but I'm just not interested. When I told her that, she said she understood but that for her if I really cared I would have been her friend. There was always a double standard because I gave most the power to her. I often felt used and unappreciated, therefore, even though it still hurts after two and half months, I Will never break NC first.

Edited by JohnFDoe
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I had some realizations today as I was watching some videos and thinking. I'll record these to help me remember, but also if anyone reads my thread in the future they can adopt this mind set:

 

1) You can't force love. It's a hard pill to swallow, but if she doesn't want to be with you, most of the time it's not your fault and there's nothing you could have done, it's just where she is in life and it's important to understand/accept/respect her opinion. If you try to force it, she will feel trapped and it will fall apart eventually. You can't get angry, win a logical argument, or force love. It's an emotion.

 

2) Being in love and heartbroken is like being sick. It takes time to get over a cold but you eventually get over it; view time, friends, dating as remedies like vitamin c, sleep, and chicken soup.

 

3) Everyone deserves love. The longer you remain love sick, and off the market, the longer the one that is meant for you has to wait to be happy with you. Have the pride and dignity to walk away when you're unwanted into another persons accepting arms.

 

4)Everyone wants someone. It's important to understand women are rooting for you to approach them and be their lover. You need to make them aware you are an option for them. Live a life of abundance and the right one comes along that wants to be with you effortlessly for you truly are.

 

Yah so those are my findings after 2 and half months being dumped by a girl I once talked about marriage and moving in with. This is my first true love and longest relationship of my 25 years so this has been horrible, but once you get over the daily crying and rejection, time really does heal all things. You might not feel as whole and naive, but you will become wiser and find deeper happiness in understanding relationships.

 

...How much you wanna bet after these realizations and moving on, she will come back to me when I'm truly not caring anymore :laugh:

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After further research, I think I've found the information I needed to put my heart at ease. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have learned, and I feel lucky I dodged a bullet.

 

If anyone reads this thread and is in a similar situation, just realize what you think is reality may be deception. Give it time and the truth will shake through. Hold true to yourself and internalize my advice above.

 

Stay real everyone, be and do good.

Edited by JohnFDoe
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Nearly four months now without a peep and I've gotta say, important realizations have occurred.

 

I've started better understanding why I was hurt and what I've been doing wrong and realized due to my upbringing I felt worthless without female validation. This made me extremely vulnerable to manipulation. Another thing I realized was I viewed good women as scarce commodities, but I realized my definition of 'good women' was horrible and compatible women are extremely numerous. I've researched extensively female psychology and realize now I was living in a fairy tale of constant self loathing misery without female validation.

 

I've gone back and decoded a lot of red flags that didn't make sense and I know now this girl was a level 100 mind ****, hah. I don't want her back, and I know if she reached out it would be because she was lonely and wanted to use me emotionally or financially. I do peak at her IG from time to time for entertainment and I've noticed the guys she was getting likes from, and liking back, have slowly begun to disappear. Either she's going on a massive dating spree and crossing them out rapidly, or they realize she's a waste of time.

 

I realize the 'love' I felt was actually just my lizard brain doped up and we were never really compatible; we were very similar, but our life outlooks and experiences were apples to oranges. Even if it all went well, we moved in together, she probably would have cheated on me or tried to trap me to pay for every thing, seeing as she was already taking that path. I would like to point out however that I am grateful she has yet to reach out to try and manipulate me emotionally and she respected our relationship enough to formally end it over FaceTime during a long explanatory discussion. I do realize most do not experience a clean break and don't get the closure I've actually already been given.

 

Knowing what I know now about young attractive female nature, I realize I want no part of it in terms of LTR. My next one will be older and more experienced. It's like I used to play a game of battleship and guess trying to win, but now I've got a mirror and see all the pieces on the other side. What I do know after experiencing the pain is that I never want to get that chemically addicted to another human again because it's dangerous and makes a person vulnerable. I've reached a point now career wise where I can start making serious cash and picking a career I like, and a women in my life right now would only be a distraction.

 

I've been going out nearly everyday for a quick pint with mates and I chat up random girls for fun. I've realized they want me because I don't care anymore, and in fact shooting them down gives me more happiness than taking them back for casual sex. It's maybe messed up but at the end of the day I'll always be anti-sowing the seed I guess. I'm in a state of content at ease happiness where I'm enjoying the simple things again and genuinely don't want to have to deal with another person in my life.

 

If anyone is going through a similar situation and is reading this, I'd suggest start loving yourself more and don't seek female or social validation. You are truely the most important person in your life; remember coffins don't have bunk beds. Focus on a hobby or career you'd love to do even if you didn't get paid to do it, and spend your time becoming a master at it.

 

The funny paradox to this all is that I've actually had more women approach me and want to know me than when I used to go out chasing them. But I guess this is truely how it should be; it's the women's choice to pick the mate and the man should focus on attracting the right one by become the best version of himself.

 

Very deep I know, but it's what you learn from climbing back from the pit of hell. You realize what's truly important. Stay strong guys, girls too, and be your best self ;)

Edited by JohnFDoe
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