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Is breaking up via text ever acceptable?


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A girl I'd been dating over the course of 6 weeks ended things by sending a text message in the middle of my work day. This was actually the second time she ended things, and first time around (after our second date) she did so the same way. You may have seen my other post about the breakup, but it got me thinking about something else. I realize we're in the year 2016 and things have changed in terms of what's acceptable in the dating world. A lot of people text as their primary form of contact in general. However, I still feel there are circumstances when it is simply not respectful or appropriate to handle things via text. A breakup is at the top of the list. Though not ideal, I can at least defend sending a text after one or two dates. There's no real emotional attachment at that point, and no commitments have been made. A text is at least better than simply disappearing, although even that is considered semi-acceptable these days. However, once you're past the first couple dates - let's say date 3 onward - I firmly believe no less than a phone call is the "right way" to address the situation. Otherwise you're essentially telling the person you're breaking up with they deserve no more than that text message. And it saves the breaker from having to actually deal with the emotions of the breakee. In my specific case, I received the breakup text in the middle of my work day which felt even worse. The other person had to know I wouldn't be able to respond as a normally would. I'd love to open this discussion to the group about if/when texting is ever okay for a breakup. Am I just getting old and out of touch, or do you agree with my thoughts on the matter? Should be a fun debate!

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I think if you met by text, and dated by text, and hung out by text, then it would be perfectly acceptable. Kinda the same thing if you have an LDR, and you never actually see the person.

 

At a minimum, your breakup should be just as up close as the way you are usually "together".

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When you get the 'we need to talk' text - as I did almost exactly a year ago - I can't really see the point of a final meet up just to ram it in that you've been dumped. As Jimmy Nail once sang .. ' I know goodbye when I hear it'...

 

 

You're not going to change their mind, you might well come across as needy if you try and the chances are there's someone already waiting in the wings to take your slot. It'll just be an very unpleasant last date that you'll try for a long time afterwards to forget.

 

So for me, a 'dump by text' seems a good thing. Saves gallons of pain and if you go NC after possibly a suitably caustic reply, saves a few gallons more of self respect as well.

 

 

Everyone a winner !

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I think if you met by text, and dated by text, and hung out by text, then it would be perfectly acceptable. Kinda the same thing if you have an LDR, and you never actually see the person.

 

At a minimum, your breakup should be just as up close as the way you are usually "together".

 

 

 

I think that's a great way to look at it. We did our share of texting for sure, but no one ONLY talks on the phone these days. There were also mutliple lengthy phone conversations, and (if I'm adding correctly) more than 25 hours spent together over the course of our 4 dates. Thus why I felt an in-person breakup was in no way necessary, but a phone call would have been the right way to handle it.

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When you get the 'we need to talk' text - as I did almost exactly a year ago - I can't really see the point of a final meet up just to ram it in that you've been dumped. As Jimmy Nail once sang .. ' I know goodbye when I hear it'...

 

 

You're not going to change their mind, you might well come across as needy if you try and the chances are there's someone already waiting in the wings to take your slot. It'll just be an very unpleasant last date that you'll try for a long time afterwards to forget.

 

So for me, a 'dump by text' seems a good thing. Saves gallons of pain and if you go NC after possibly a suitably caustic reply, saves a few gallons more of self respect as well.

 

 

Everyone a winner !

 

 

I agree with you that prolonging the inevitable is just a pointless exercise and makes the whole process awkward. I'm sorry you got that "we need to talk" text because that just doesn't help anybody. While it's true a "dump by text" is like ripping off the Band-Aid, I think my issue is more with the principle of it. A text is the least personal, and thus least respectful way to end things with someone. I equate it to making a mess and then running away so someone else has to clean it up. But that's just me, and not everyone is comfortable expressing themselves well over the phone. Maybe the girl I dated just didn't want to take a chance of that happening. Not an excuse, but a reason nonetheless.

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It's acceptable for your ex girlfriend to break up with you via text, and obviously it's acceptable to you that she breaks up with you via text because she's done it to you twice and the first time you went back to her and my guess is you'd go back to her again.

 

So your question is really irrelevant because you're taking a poll about what each individual member thinks about breakup texts and it doesn't matter what we think, we're not the ones dating you and breaking up with you.

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It's acceptable for your ex girlfriend to break up with you via text, and obviously it's acceptable to you that she breaks up with you via text because she's done it to you twice and the first time you went back to her and my guess is you'd go back to her again.

 

So your question is really irrelevant because you're taking a poll about what each individual member thinks about breakup texts and it doesn't matter what we think, we're not the ones dating you and breaking up with you.

 

Well the first time things ended it just didn't feel right. Hard to put it into words, but sometimes you just get a gut feeling. I'd moved on and went completely no-contact, deleted all texts and photos, etc. The girl called me 3 weeks later saying she never gave us a fair chance and really wanted to see me again. From that point forward her words and actions unequivocally indicated interest and a desire to keep seeing each other. Our last date she talked about when she starts spending the night at my place, then for no apparent reason did a complete 180 in the middle of the evening. Seriously...nothing happened to provoke this, unless she saw a text from a dude she really liked or something. The next day she ended things via text. I've never revisited a situation after it ended, and I mistakenly thought this girl might be an exception to the rule. I gave her/us a second chance because I believe people make mistakes and can grow or learn from them. The girl didn't handle things very well, and I was probably naïve to think our situation might actually work. So now she's now officially no longer worth my time. True, I didn't choose to end things; she did. But I would not go back to her again.

 

To your other point, I was legitimately curious about everyone else's viewpoints. I see both sides to the argument, even though I have my own opinion. My goal was to provoke a discussion we can all relate to. I appreciate everyone's comments regarding my specific situation, but that wasn't the point of my post. It was to see if people thought my philosophy towards texting was archaic or still applicable today.

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I can't say... as I have never been broken up with via text...however it's better than fading or ghosting which apparently have become the latest craze in how people are breaking up these days, unfortunately.

 

Frankly, not sure what difference it would make though -- via text, phone call or in person -- as it doesn't change the outcome -- that being the RL is over.

 

In fact, I might actually prefer text -- I hate long drawn out dramatic goodbyes - just say what you have to say (via text), and leave it at that.

 

As for me, or the person being broken up with -- it's "good luck, wish you well, CYA."

 

Then block, delete, no contact. Clean break, no drama, no histrionics. DONE.

 

Just me.

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No.

 

You can dress it up however you like, but it's the act of a coward.

 

I'd say fading or ghosting is the act of a coward.

 

When you break up via text, at least you are communicating to your partner it's over.... just because it's done via text, doesn't change the outcome -- it's over.

 

Time to move on.

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I'd say fading or ghosting is the act of a coward.

 

When you break up via text, at least you are communicating to your partner it's over.... just because it's done via text, doesn't change the outcome -- it's over.

 

Time to move on.

 

 

I will agree with you that it's better than nothing - i.e., ghosting or fading. And your other point is certainly valid that it's better to avoid some melodramatic, drawn-out therapy session. Trust me, there has been more than one occasion where I got dumped but ended up consoling the dumper! Keeping it quick is especially important when we're talking about a short-term situation. I still feel a text is only appropriate after 1 or 2 dates, but I do understand why someone can feel it's always okay.

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I'd say fading or ghosting is the act of a coward.

 

When you break up via text, at least you are communicating to your partner it's over.... just because it's done via text, doesn't change the outcome -- it's over.

 

Time to move on.

 

Ghosting is pathetic.

 

The person you are breaking up with is a human with feelings. At least show them some respect, some compassion.

 

Texting, email, phone - all are hiding and avoiding conflict - cowardice. Breaking up with someone cleanly face to face takes a short time and is difficult, but if you are an actual adult you do what needs to be done. With respect. If your means of breaking up with someone is similar to how you would order a pizza (text, phone, app) then you are cowardly.

 

No one likes breakups. Breaking up with someone badly makes it worse.

 

Of course if the relationship is very short and superficial, then its different. Or if one is long distance. Any sort of longer term relationship - you need to man up and be a grownup.

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todreaminblue

i feel it would be acceptable if you never met the person in the flesh to break up over text...but...if you have known a person and especially intimately as in kissing them then they deserve to hear the words from your mouth as well as in the flesh and privately too...with compassion as a rule not a whim over text..one on one......thats fair and to me the right thing to do.....deb

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Simon Phoenix

Who cares? The result is still the same. Perhaps it's more "honorable" to do it face-to-face, but in the end, the endgame is similar. No one in the history of breakups has thanked the dumper for breaking up in a "good" way. The dumpee is going to be hurt regardless.

 

That being said, the "slow fade" or "ghosting" sucks. At least a text message breakup is actually giving the dumpee an actual clear message. But in general, I don't think the process is terribly important. I'd almost rather be broken up with "badly" -- makes it easier to let go and move forward.

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Ehh, the last girl I dated for two months and she broke up with me over text. But we were semi-long distance and I had texted her first to find out what she was feeling because I knew it was coming. The breakup hurt like a *****, but how it happened never really bothered me. It's all the same in the end.

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To be fair to ex, the 'we need to talk' text was to arrange a meeting so she could dump me to my face. And she was very keen to do that even though I knew exactly what was coming and it was going to be a totally 1001% *****e occasion.

 

 

Wasn't wrong either, there you are on a miserable February afternoon, going around the South Bank with ex. trying to get it into your mind that this person is now totally different to the one she was a week ago. Well, she may have changed her feelings but I was damn sure I hadn't.

 

 

Absolute nightmare - give me a just a text any time.

 

 

To add, we got back together for a few weeks - she invited me out for a meal and it was as if nothing had happened.... - then it's the 'I don't think i can make time for you anymore' text - by which point I'd had enough. Strict NC from that point on which is certainly the way to go and with hindsight I'd have saved some heartache and a restaurant bill if I'd done it after the first text. ...

 

 

Sorry amj1979, this is probably more of a vent / rany than anything else It's pretty much exactly a year to the day since it happened so please excuse me !

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i feel it would be acceptable if you never met the person in the flesh to break up over text...but...if you have known a person and especially intimately as in kissing them then they deserve to hear the words from your mouth as well as in the flesh and privately too...with compassion as a rule not a whim over text..one on one......thats fair and to me the right thing to do.....deb

 

 

That's a great way to look at it. I described the nature of our connection in fairly good detail in a previous post in this thread. We were definitely past the point where you mention a text would still be acceptable.

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Who cares? The result is still the same. Perhaps it's more "honorable" to do it face-to-face, but in the end, the endgame is similar. No one in the history of breakups has thanked the dumper for breaking up in a "good" way. The dumpee is going to be hurt regardless.

 

That being said, the "slow fade" or "ghosting" sucks. At least a text message breakup is actually giving the dumpee an actual clear message. But in general, I don't think the process is terribly important. I'd almost rather be broken up with "badly" -- makes it easier to let go and move forward.

 

 

You do make a fair point, and obviously I was appreciate the girl didn't just go AWOL on me. We've all had that happen and it sucks. And the point about being broken up with "badly" is a valid one. In my experience it's been much tougher to get past a situation when everyone was really nice and respectful.

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To be fair to ex, the 'we need to talk' text was to arrange a meeting so she could dump me to my face. And she was very keen to do that even though I knew exactly what was coming and it was going to be a totally 1001% *****e occasion.

 

 

Wasn't wrong either, there you are on a miserable February afternoon, going around the South Bank with ex. trying to get it into your mind that this person is now totally different to the one she was a week ago. Well, she may have changed her feelings but I was damn sure I hadn't.

 

 

Absolute nightmare - give me a just a text any time.

 

 

To add, we got back together for a few weeks - she invited me out for a meal and it was as if nothing had happened.... - then it's the 'I don't think i can make time for you anymore' text - by which point I'd had enough. Strict NC from that point on which is certainly the way to go and with hindsight I'd have saved some heartache and a restaurant bill if I'd done it after the first text. ...

 

 

Sorry amj1979, this is probably more of a vent / rany than anything else It's pretty much exactly a year to the day since it happened so please excuse me !

 

I'm sorry that happened to you, and it does feel like a waste of everyone's time arranging that in-person breakup. Making a person sit through dinner just to end a relationship just seems insulting. If you want to do it face-to-face just go to their house or something.

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I think it is if it's not a relationship. If you've hung out a handful of times only and you feel it isn't going anywhere, are you going to make arrangements to meet up or just end it quickly?

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If you're just dating then ending it via text is fine.

 

However, If you're in a relationship of 2/3months+ then it should be face to face. Dumping via text to me is the cowards way out, very selfish and in my eyes shows a complete lack of respect to the dumpee - says a lot about the dumper as a person actually.

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