Mixed up feelings, I have hard time taking a decision..

[Littlebird95]

Im actually really confused about my thoughts and what would be the best option for me : Either try to go back with my ex or stay in my actual relationship

 

I feel like telling the whole story here, so every detail can count towards my final decision and about what you guys think of my situation. I dont necessarily seek for a complete answer (if you can give me one than go ahead), but maybe for some ways to find inner peace and decide but myself what I should do. Here we go with my love story:

 

I started high school in 2007. I quickly became friend with of of the girl in my group. We actually talked often over the good old MSN and later that year, she confessed her love to me. As I was really invested into hockey, I told her I didnt care, cause all I wanted was to play hockey nothing else. We still remained good friends for the next two years and a half. We started dating and we became official by February 2010. This was the start of a real journey.

 

Everything was fine until 4 months deep into our relationship. I then broke up with her, cause my life was all about hockey and I was persuaded that she would not accept to be a 2nd choice in my life, so I made the move to break up. Turns out I was wrong, as she preferred not to be my priority but still be together, than just not being together at all. We then continue our adventure for a solid 2 years of true love.

 

Then come the moment when we had to prove ourselves how much we really loved each other, as I had to leave town to play hockey elsewhere. I was about to realize a childhood dream, but at the same time, I was risking losing the person I was considering the love of my life (yeah that young I was sure about that). So I left town and we were seeing each other only a few minutes after my games closed to our hometown, and sometimes we could go 2 months without seeing each other. Sometimes (during springbreak) she could come where I lived for like 3 days then head back home. I never <email> that much.

 

I was okay with the long distance relationship thing, but she wasnt. I had to tell her every now and then that everything would be fine and that we loved each other so much that we will be able to pass through this. We had hard times during the whole year, but our summers together were amazing.

Then I got traded to a team even further away from my hometown. We didnt see each other for 3 months and a half. That was really hard. On one hand I had finally some success with this team, but on the other, I was feeling I could lose her at any moment. Then I head back home for the summer and spent the most amazing summer of my life with her. I also asked to be traded close to my hometown (mainly because I had to finish school and I couldnt where I was playing, but also to be close to her).

 

Then I started playing with this new team (horrible results, they sent me back home at chirstmas). Things were easier than before but still, she could see her friends with their boyfriend enjoying life together while we were appart for now more than 2 years. At chirstmas break. I just decided to stay home and start a real life close to her. This is were things started to drift away.

 

At this point, we were together for almost 5 years! The 1st 1-2 months after I came back were full of love and amazing. But then things started to become not so good. She wasnt sure about us, and the main reason was because we spent our youth together, not knowing what else life could offer us, cause we didnt know what it was not to be together (I mean not together in the way of being free). I also was clingy and needy. Why? Cause all of my friends were all away from me (they were still playing hockey elsewhere) and the ones I had in my hometown found themselves new groups of friends and I wasnt part of those groups. SO all of my happiness would rely on her. I also tend to get really jealous, from the fear of losing her as she was all that could make me happy.

 

She then went on a trip to china with her mom and some people she knew, and during this trip, she realised that she wasnt good at all with the way I was in our relationship. She met people on a cruise during this trip and realised I would probably have stayed back from those people if I would have been there (Im and introvert) and that maybe she was missing lots of things from a life without me. She then broke up with me.

 

Those weeks after the break up were terrible. I wasnt able to eat, sleep or do anything good of my life. I started almost harassing her, begging for her to take me back, to swear that I would change, that I would do anything for her! Nothing worked. I came here on this forum and many of you helped me understand to go the NC way and work on MYSELF. I started doing that, but I kept stalking her until she blocked me from every social media. Now this was really rough on me. The thing was, I know her but heart and they were lots of details telling me she was not completely over me and that eventually, she would take me back.

 

But a month after the break up, I decided it was enough. I couldnt wait for her the whole summer not knowing if she would want me back. I couldnt ask myself everytime, will she be angry at me if I do that? Will that compromise our future (if we had any) together? I said *k it, Ill live my own life.

 

2 months or so after the break up, I met this girl. We fell in love real quick and I was happy, not thinking about my ex anymore. But then, a month later she wrote me to ask if we could be friends, as we were literally best friends, not just lovers. I then declined, but she wrote back to say that there was a lot more in her mind that just be friends. She told me she always kept the door open, that we could maybe come back together one day, that she would like us to discuss our feelings, our thoughts about us from the summer, our plans for the future.

 

I had a shock. I wasnt prepared for this and my reaction was (to avoiding being hurt again) to decline again and to tell her not to consider me for her future. God I regret telling everything I said in this mail.

 

I havent heard of heard since January 2016 (we go to the same university, but never talked since then even since we walked through each other a couple time), as I saw an article she posted on twitter. Basically, the main idea from this article was that ''I was the best thing that ever happened to her, but that she'll continue moving forward and that maybe one day, our paths will cross again''.

 

This is where all of head became so confused. I spent Christmas vacation with my actual GF, but it didnt feel that good. There was something missing, something I had with my ex. And now that Ive seen this message, I keep wondering if she still likes me.

 

Then mid January came my birthday. Without big surprise, she texted me Happy birthday and that she thinks that we could remain in good terms even after our break up. I the agreed, and seized the occasion to apologize for the way I responded to her mails earlier (negative and mean). She then told me that this apology meant a lot to her, cause she found it really hard on her.

 

And now times goes by and I cant stop thinking about her. Im comfortable with my actual GF, but I feel not everything is ok. Few days ago, I had a real big fights with my GF, mainly because she had troubles trusting me (she got cheated on in the past, so she has difficulties trusting anyone). She then ask THE question I wasnt prepared for ''Do you love me more than you loved you ex?'' I said I dont know, cause I couldnt say yes to this. She was devastated, but I told her our relationship is too different that my past one so I could tell.

 

Another point bugging me in this, is that she has trouble hearing me speaking of my passion, my future job (chiropractor). She doesnt like the human body, but I do. And everytime I try to tell her things I learnt that day at school, she asks me to stop cause she doesnt like it. I mean, how can I be with someone I cant share my knowledge with? She also has personal problems finding out what she wants to do with her life. She would almost do anything to stay with me, shes convinced Im the love of her life (trust me, her exs were all **** and its so easy to be a better BF than them)

 

And at the same time, theres my ex that came back to my head, and that wont leave. Everyday I feel like texting her, but I donT cause It wouldnt be faire to my GF. But I really want to text her or to send her a mail about my feelings. I just dont know what to do.

 

Can things work out with my GF? Is my ex the love of my life? Should I give a shot and try to get her back? Im so confused

 

* By the way, sorry for the long post and for the English, as English isnt my 1st language

[Jhoppy1974]

I have never bought into the whole soulmate idea but I do believe there are some we just are more compatible with or connect with. Plus you have a history. Some good and some bad. But regardless history brings closeness. Does the new gf really have a chance at your heart? Can you trust the ex? Whatever it was that got in the way with your ex and you , is it still an issue? Do u feel like you are both at different places? Does your gf make you light up? Are you in love with her? Does she seem like a person you could share deeper parts of yourself with? I mean it may have taken a while to get to that place with your ex and this new relationship may just need more time. But this new one absolutely will not grow deeper if you are torn emotionally. I think u need to ask yourself: why did me and the ex not last; even though the gf is not the ex does she move me and emotionally stir my heart; and can I honestly stay with my gf and fairly give her my heart when I'm still in love with my ex? A harder decision may be to just cool off for a bit and date no one. That might be more fair to the gf, the ex and especially to you. You sound overwhelmed and confused. Hope this helps.

[Raina314]

I would say break up with your gf if you really can't stop thinking about your ex, because it's not fair to lead her on when you're still thinking of someone else like this. Don't get back with your ex right away if you do this, though. Give it some time and make sure that's really what you want and that you have a way to resolve or work through the issues that broke you guys up before. If you really feel that you can do that, you can try getting back with your ex. But only if you're sure you're not gonna keep this current gf around as backup.

[Jayyy]

Wow it really seems that you've got some deep feelings for your ex.

I totally get you with the whole sharing your knowledge thing. I'm studying for healthcare so I love talking about that stuff lol

But seriously, you should first think about the relationship you have with your current GF. Is she someone that you can see a future with? Is she supportive of you? Can you both trust each other? Do you truly enjoy her company? These are important factors in good relationships! You can't just "feel good" around her.

I suggest reaching out to your ex and seeing where things are. See if she's still up for getting back together. But it's more than just getting back, but does she think she's "had enough freedom" that she truly wants to be back with you. Not date you for a few months or years and suddenly feel trapped by it and want to leave you. You guys need to clarify this.

And if after asking these questions to yourself about your current GF the answers are negative you should breakup with her regardless of whether you get back with your ex. She isn't your time filler or feel good item. She's a person who deserves someone that will have love for her and only her. The fact you said you didn't know when she asked you about your feelings for your ex is already a red flag

Basically I think you need to sit back and breath and think about where you are in your current relationship and if you want to reach out to your ex then please do so and have this important talk. Hopefully it will go well and maybe you both can get back together. Your relationship with your ex sounds very cute and I love HS relationships that last Just remember though, if you have the thought of reaching out to your ex while you're in a relationship, that kinda screams that you don't enjoy the one you're in. And neither you or her deserves that.

[Simon Phoenix]

Wow it really seems that you've got some deep feelings for your ex.

I totally get you with the whole sharing your knowledge thing. I'm studying for healthcare so I love talking about that stuff lol

But seriously, you should first think about the relationship you have with your current GF. Is she someone that you can see a future with? Is she supportive of you? Can you both trust each other? Do you truly enjoy her company? These are important factors in good relationships! You can't just "feel good" around her.

I suggest reaching out to your ex and seeing where things are. See if she's still up for getting back together. But it's more than just getting back, but does she think she's "had enough freedom" that she truly wants to be back with you. Not date you for a few months or years and suddenly feel trapped by it and want to leave you. You guys need to clarify this.

And if after asking these questions to yourself about your current GF the answers are negative you should breakup with her regardless of whether you get back with your ex. She isn't your time filler or feel good item. She's a person who deserves someone that will have love for her and only her. The fact you said you didn't know when she asked you about your feelings for your ex is already a red flag

Basically I think you need to sit back and breath and think about where you are in your current relationship and if you want to reach out to your ex then please do so and have this important talk. Hopefully it will go well and maybe you both can get back together. Your relationship with your ex sounds very cute and I love HS relationships that last Just remember though, if you have the thought of reaching out to your ex while you're in a relationship, that kinda screams that you don't enjoy the one you're in. And neither you or her deserves that.

 

I think it'd be extremely poor form to contact the ex before breaking up with the current girlfriend. No offense, but that's not cool at all.

[Jayyy]

I think it'd be extremely poor form to contact the ex before breaking up with the current girlfriend. No offense, but that's not cool at all.

YOU ARE A 100% RIGHT.

Yeah nevermind, first figure out your own relationship and whether or not you really see something with your ex. Decide whether or not a breakup is needed. And if so then try contacting your ex.

[Littlebird95]

Thanks a lot guys for the replies! As for the soulmate thing, I kinda grow up with the mentality that loves can last forever and that the first one can be the good one (my parents are together since they are 15 and now they have reach the 50 years old milestone).

 

About the trust, I can trust her easily, but she can't trust me. And that a big problem. She's always telling me she trying to but its the same since the beginning no change at all.

 

Concerning what cause the break up with my ex, was that we both grew together from teenagers to adults and we became who we are because of the other one. I think we both needed to explore the world appart from each other, to see what we really wanted. Also, I was needy and clingy, and was also really jealous. Trust me, i've changed my perspective on the whole thing, as I'm not anymore. If its the case with my actual GF, then it would be the same with my ex no?

 

I've been thinking about breaking up for some time, but I wasnt sure at all if it was a good move. But lately, all I do with my GF is fight and things are going quite bad. Also, her asking me the question if i loved my ex more than I love her kinda lighten up my thougts, as I never actually took time to think about that point.

 

My GF is a good person and she deserves real love. She thinks I'm the good one, but I'm not sure that I am. I can't love her the way she deserves to be loved. I know she is really supportive, always cheering me up and she's loving me so hard. But on my side, I have trouble doing the same.

 

And I totally agree, contacting my ex to see how things could go when still in a relationship would not be cool at all from me. According to you guys, I should just evaluate thoses things separetely. I should take a decision about wheter or not i want to stay with my GF. After that, depending of my decision, I should take evaluate the whole situation with my ex.

 

So thanks again for being there and giving some heads up! I'll keep in touch to tell you guys what will be my final decisions