NC Journal

[lovebug_5858]

Hey guys, I'm here once again and beginning the NC journey.

Here's some background on everything;

 

This guy and I met back in high school and would talk every now and then mostly relating to college classes, for some reason I ended up texting him one day and we ended up going to the gym and then dinner. I had recently ended a long term relationship (5 years) and I was not looking for anything, but the more we talked and hung out the more I felt like we were the same person. We were both pursuing the same field and we both spoke so well with each other. I began falling for him and although I resisted beginning a relationship he persisted.

 

We started dating, some of my habits came up, out of fear. I was so scared to really fall in love again and share that with someone. My relationship before that was very mentally and emotionally abusive and I can certainly say I still had some scars. This guy was so wonderful though, he showed me how much he cared in every way possible. He was very strong in his opinions, as am I so it made for a little tiff here and there- nothing wrong with that. A couple months later, I drifted into not feeling as happy as I used to be, I pointed to the fact that he hadn't been showing me as much attention or being as sweet as he had been in the past.

 

We took a few days apart because he said it was me, not him, he had remained the same. I went to my therapist and she said maybe I should just let it go and focus on myself. I felt like I couldn't just let everything go now, so we patched things up and figured things out.

 

I have the terrible habit of doing the whole "Whatever then" thing and acting like I don't care. And as my therapist and I figured out (She's the one who went through my whole other break up with me so she knew my habits well) it had to do with how much effort I put into my last relationship and how I felt that even after ripping my heart out and giving it to him (ex) on a silver platter- it was never good enough and he ended up leaving me anyways. I just wanted to avoid being that desperate girl again.

 

 

Jan 30 we had an incredibly petty argument that admittedly, I let get waaaay to me. I failed to point out what was bothering me until it got to the point where I was just pissed off. We were arguing and he said something along the lines of "I may not be the one for you... this is by far the most stupid conversation I've ever had, I'm done with this nonsense." and I said "fine pack my things." We don't live together- I just had quite a few things at his house.

 

I apologized later on for how angrily I reacted and asked him not to pack my things. The next day he decided he needed about two weeks to gather his thoughts and that he was just fed up with my behavior of pushing him away. I tried my best to understand... a week later we talked and although it seemed like we worked through the problems, he said he felt alienated and that I had just pushed him too far away.

I gave him a few days to figure out why he felt that way.

 

I tried suggesting multiple ways on working it out, and I ensured him that I realized my way of handling things was inappropriate and that I would gladly work on it. He counteracted that the problem is now with him because he doesn't feel he can give me 120% like I was giving him.

He told me things were perfect before our argument and that he doesn't understand why, 2 weeks later, he was still mad at something I said out of anger.

 

I was still so confused about everything... I needed to understand why... There was no way that this was going to be what ended everything. Talking to him just seemed like a dead end so I said that we both just needed time away, and that this wasn't healthy for either of us - I've been doing nothing but crying on and off, I have no appetite, I just want to stay home and be sad meanwhile I had assignments piling up, along with clinicals and exams. All he said was that he understood and that he's sorry he couldn't come up with the answers I wanted.

 

 

I talked to his friend who I thought would have a better insight and he said that he had been upset a few months back because he felt unappreciated, and that he was pushing everything else to the side for me- something he never revealed to me. How can i fix something if he never told me... he just let it build and then it was all over. over an argument.

 

Anyways, this post is long enough already. That was my last text to him today. I've tried everything as far as words and actions and showing him I care about him, trying to figure out how we can work it out, working on myself. I genuinely love and care for him, but I also know I got jaded with work and school and definitely did not reciprocate his efforts in continuously showing me how much he cared for me. So now I guess I just need to take this into consideration and begin to move forward. I don't know what he's thinking, I wanted to make a grand gesture and show him how much he means to me but his friend assured me he wanted time to think about things.

 

 

I'm pretty bad about being impulsive and texting whatever I feel and calling... when I should just be giving him time. So I wanted to start this again for some sense of accountability. But its so hard, my thoughts have always been that when you want something badly enough, you figure some way to work it out. One sided conversations don't really amount to much. But here I am, with no choice but to start NC. I have no idea where things will go but it wont make it any better if I am constantly pressuring him and reassuring him of my affection for him and tell him how hurt I am that this is happening.

So here we go, Day 1.

I'll be updating daily.

[lovebug_5858]

Maybe this is for the better...

 

I've been going through my ups and downs. I've been crying... I've been okay... crying again. I miss him so much.. but can I really give everything to someone again after all of this.

[boulevard]

Hi,

 

I am currently in a healing phase of NC.

We had a wonderful relationship...all starting with dreamy sequence of him proposing me in the most romantic way....making everything seem magically romantic. We were considered the most fun-loving and cheerful couple in college....we were both adored by all our mutual friends..due to .his pranks and my humour.

 

Things started spiralling downward with him continuously reducing his attention and affection towards me. I still tried to keep up with it, acknowledging the fact that we both had increased academic pressure. However, I could smell lack of initiative on his part to meetup with me or spending some romantic time. The same guy who once used to have tough time keeping his hands off me would now meet me only when I would ask him to...that too as pr his convenience. Although he kept saying we had reached that stage of a relationship where I should be comfortable asking him out, I still had this little part in me which wanted to be pampered at least some time.....and made to feel valued, by him taking the initiative to ask me out.

 

I still tried to keep up with it...but then I started expecting he should at least do something else for me...when I was compromising SO MUCH. I used to feel a bit insecure about his nature of being too much mischievous with girls. Not flirtatious...he would be naughty and mischievous and playful.....would play pranks with them.....and would often be a bit touchy by holding their hands or pulling their cheeks. Initially i used to find it funny...but it soon grew on me and I let him know once that I wasn't comfortable with this nature of his...specially when he would do it with me being around.

 

He tagged this as "being possessive and nagging".

 

I kept growing more frustrated...started falling out with him. And when we would fight.....it would mostly be me who would initiate patching-up..he was the kind who would avoid all communication and go into his shell.

 

One day, due to one small miscommunication..we had a fight.

i took it as a usual couple's fight and planned to work on it by talking to him after coming back from a happy outing with friends.

Oh I was so happily drunk that day...and so wanted to talk to him....patch it up...and do sweet-talks.

But he never picked up my phone that night.

 

Next whole day I felt sick..and anticipated..as if I could almost sense something terrible coming up. He never called me back.

I waited till night.....and then finally called him up and asked him to meet.

By then I was feeling so drained and sick that all I wanted was a tight hug from him.

 

Guess what i got?

When we met up...all he said was...that it wasn't working anymore and we should put an end.

I cried.

That night I cried uncontrollably. I stayed out for the whole night with him and cried in the college campus. I begged...pleaded not to leave me ..and this continued till 7 am in the morning when he said we would give it a thought and talk again in he evening.

 

That evening he somewhat reluctantly agreed to give it another shot.

 

Since that day...dynamics changed. He started taking me more and more for granted.

I could see him slip away.

He would be treating me well ONLY when I would be happy.

Any time I would feel depressed or sad...he would abandon me.

He wouldn't value any of my complaints any more.

He wouldnt call me back or see my watsapp messages for hours..or days.

He wont appreciate my looks...or even a love letter that I sent him.

 

Then one fine morning ..after the accumulation of all these frustration as I lashed out at him...he pulled the plug by saying "THIS very nature of yours made me break up with you earlier....why would you always lash out at me? and nag me?"

 

I cried that day. But I maintained my dignity. Went STRAIGHT into No Contact.

Something magical happened thereafter.

The very next day I went to party with some friends to take it off my head...and he too was there a a separate table with HIS buddies. I made NO EYE CONTACT...and didn't even acknowledge him. This continued....until one day I got to learn from TWO mutual friends..that he had been frantically asking them about how I was....that whether I was actually cool or sad within...blah blah blah. Finally he started pestering of those friends to help him get in touch with me....as he couldn't bear silence from my side.

 

My birthday was 10 days after the break up. All these days..although i heard about him trying to talk to me through friends...I paid least heed and maintained NC. On my birthday he showed up at the party and wished me. I being a little drunk and happy....thanked him back.

That broke the NC. He called me up later in the night to wish me, and we spoke for almost half an hour...just catching up with each other.

He started texting me....HEAVILY from next day onwards.

I was surprised..is THIS the same guy who used to take days to reply my watsapp? Look at him now ! Even when I was hanging up on him by not replying...he would come back like a dog and text me within hours ! Needless to say..I could see the effect of 10 days of NC on him...and was nicely playing the game of power with a smug smile on my face.

 

We started hanging out a bit..went to a couple of parties....however, when we both got drunk...we both would get slightly intimate and I could sense proper attraction existing between both of us.

Feelings started creeping back in my head. But I soon realised....there was again decrease in his texting pace. Once we started hanging around.......he would again text me less and less..or take time to reply.

One day I felt I had to take a call. I couldn't get stuck in this limbo. I either wanted him as a whole or none of it. We had an internship coming up, for which we had earlier planned to go together (when we were a couple). I sat up and thought of asking him if he still would like to go for it with me...even if as a friend...and give things one last shot.

 

I rehearsed stuff in my head and gathered enough guts to meet him to tell this. But i got a straight "No". Not only that..he even told me "we should also bring down the extent to which we go out to parties n all together....it leads to unwanted situations". I was like What the Hell !! It was YOU who won't let me be...it was YOU who would come back and talk/text when I wouldn't reply...NOW it's again YOU who's telling we must cut it down?

 

I was hurt.

Humiliated.

Insulted.

 

I walked away.

This time I blocked him EVERYWHERE...whatsapp, call list, gtalk...didn't block on facebook though...that tool is required to show him my hapenning life.

Anyways that WAS my plan. Either the internship trip with him, or NO CONTACT any more.

 

I was less sad than before.

I carried on the usual way of NOT acknowledging his existence...brutally. Even if we would be in same group for any work etc..I would speak to all but him.

I worked on myself.

I made some AWESOME friends.

I took care of my looks....started nurturing old hobbies....reading new books.....taking part in theatre.

 

Exactly as per my calculation and expectation...he CAME BACK to chit-chat with me on the 10th day of NC...YES! agggainnn !! Imagine...this time when I had BLOCKED him everywhere...he took the pain of literally coming up to me and talking !! But this time I was determined NOT to fall for it...not before I had COMPLETELY healed (till date I haven't). Plus I could see he had started roaming too much with TWO girls ...not exactly a rebound for him...coz none of those girls were half as attractive as I was. One of those girls (the same friend through whom he reached out to me during my birthday) is actually a college-slut who is after almost every guy. The other girl is that-fat-kid-who-is-every-guy's-best-friend (and i personally feel she was waiting for our break up as she never ever treated me well or would speak to me properly, despite claiming herself to be one of the closest buddies of my ex) But I somehow didn't like my ex's nature and unnecessary closeness with them.....call it jealousy, if you will. But it was more of a feeling of this kind : What the hell was I doing with THIS kind of a guy?

 

Few days later, I even got to hear from people that he has spoilt his reputation because of the same nature of his ... (all the insecurity that I felt due to his pranks with girls...holding their hands etc...were NOT invalid after all !! I felt empowered to think that I was somewhat right all the way!!)

People started telling me that he wasn't even worth the sole of my shoes !! AAh !! the relief.....and that I was way too classier and had better people lined up for me (though none has approached me yet *sigh*..I dunno how much true that is..but I liked to believe )

 

Empowered and boosted, I even made a humorously sarcastic comment to make subtly humiliate him once in a public group..and it became famous in college. People just loved it and kept saying how i totally nailed it. I was enjoying all this. I didn't give a damn because I did NOT want him back...or so I thought.

 

Then certain things started hapenning.

I started catching him look at me..stare at me too long from distance. I would at first ignore it completely. Heck I wouldn't even look at his eyes...total, casual, ignorance was on from my side.

 

But these days, his staring has slightly increased.

He stares at me ALWAYS...and tries to catch my eyes. At times he even stops as if to say something...but I MAKE IT A POINT to not look at him or casually take my eyes off in case accidentally i end up looking.

On his birthday we came across each other thrice ! I didn't even acknowledge him. But he kept looking at me...as if expecting a wish from me. Once he stopped and looked at me with a fixed gaze as if to start talking...but i swiftly moved away.

 

NOW...gradually......I have started feeling the pangs again. Its gradual...very slow...yet its coming back again...and I'm afraid . Why? Why hav I started dreaming of him in the night? Why bits and memories of our trips together haunting me again? Why am i overlooking his faults and remembering the good times? Will I not survive the break up? Will I be miserable all through? I kind of want him back, AGAIN. But why?

I so wish I could just run into his arms ..AGAIN. I have started craving for a tight hug from him...AGAIN. I feel like kissing him....AGAIN and AGAIN.Why NOW? It's around 1.5 months into NC...shouldn't I have completely healed by now? It's like I reached peak of feeling good in between...and falling down now.

 

Are there chances he thinks of me? Are there chances those looks he throws towards me do actually mean that he misses me? I know reconciliation is NOT an option...because we both are very different individuals..and we wont change...forget me...HE won't change at all ! And I can't keep up with his nature. But....will HE never realise it...and try to work on it? I too had learnt about my negative sides earlier....he used to tell me that I was short-tempered...and that I needed to control it. I DID work on it.....though not to the extent to which he wanted (but he never gave me enough time to work on it that much..duh !).

 

But i was ready to work on myself because i LOVED him...I didn't mind changing my personality for someone I plain and simple....LOVED !

Will he NEVER love me enough to change his nature? and just try to make it work?

[boulevard]

hey guys...sorry for making it this long (the post above)

 

But I am really, very eagerly looking for some insights.

 

Today I was down with fever....and actually cried as I tried putting myself to sleep under blanket. God I so missed him ...and felt like talking to him.

 

But then I realised...even when I used to be down with cold earlier..I never got that kind of pampering from him.

Also, he had told me he used to get turned off when one of his exes used to weep or cry when sick......he wants people to be cheerful even when they are down with illness. So I never showed him my sickness when we were together, and pretended that i was happy.

 

My last-to-last ex used to pamper me like a princess whenever I used to be ill or down....I think what I actually miss is the idea of getting THAT level of pampering from my latest ex....which actually would have never happened.

[mightycpa]

hey guys...sorry for making it this long (the post above)

 

But I am really, very eagerly looking for some insights.

 

Today I was down with fever....and actually cried as I tried putting myself to sleep under blanket. God I so missed him ...and felt like talking to him.

 

But then I realised...even when I used to be down with cold earlier..I never got that kind of pampering from him.

Also, he had told me he used to get turned off when one of his exes used to weep or cry when sick......he wants people to be cheerful even when they are down with illness. So I never showed him my sickness when we were together, and pretended that i was happy.

 

My last-to-last ex used to pamper me like a princess whenever I used to be ill or down....I think what I actually miss is the idea of getting THAT level of pampering from my latest ex....which actually would have never happened.

The truth is starting to work its way in... and that's good. You are mourning who he might have been to you, rather than who he really was. The heart is honest, but it lies to you too. Keep up the reality checks!