Ex still using my stuff month after she dumped me

[JL34]

Good afternoon - this is my first timeposting. My ex (30) broke up with me about a month ago. We had been dating for 20 months and she felt as though I did not appreciate her enough. I have commitment issues and the several months before the breakup I pulled away, became cold, etc. – I am working with a therapist now to determine why I did this and to correct things. That said, when she wanted to talk about whyI was “shutting down my emotions” the last night we were together, I said some harsh things, “not sure” if I still loved her, refused to see a therapist with her, and told her she would be better off dating an older guy with more money,etc. This was uncharacteristic of me and I never yelled, cheated, or lied toher during our time together. She left that evening after our conversation and I did not know we were broken up until three days later when my ex told my mother. I was never given a reason, she refuses to speak to me, and the last contact was three weeks ago after I wrote her an apology letter - she thanked me for the letter and said she needed space to reflect and that she would contact me “if or when she is ready.” I respected her wishes except I did send her another letter a week ago, at the request of my therapist, telling her what I am doing to get better - no response. That said, my ex did tell my mother a week ago she was still very hurt, would listen but was not ready to talk to me, and that she tried for a couple monthsto get me to become more appreciative and I did not. I do want her back, I lover her very much, and have been doing everything I can to understand and correct my fear of commitment/love and shutting down emotionally.

 

 

Nonetheless, the week before the BU she borrowed my car's toll pass transponder so she did not have to stopor pay the local tolls while driving her car – she travels for workquite a bit. She would use it from time to time throughout our time together. For those of you unfamiliar, it is a little box smaller than a cellphone you hold up when going through a toll. You have to purposefully pull it out and use it – it’s not something someone would forget about.

 

Since the BU, she has continued to use the toll pass and I just got a bill for over $100.00 yesterday. While the money doesn't bother me, I don't know what to think since she was the one who broke up with me and now continues to use the toll pass. This is totally uncharacteristic of her and something I would never do as the dumper especially. She also still has my things at her home although nothing is really important to me. She also hasn't deleted us from FB or removed all of our pictures posted.

 

My questions: 1) Should I cancel the device and not tell her; 2) Should I reach out with a text and give her notice that I will cancelit; or 3) Should I just let it go and keep paying so I don’t ruin any chance,however, slight of reconciling??? Thank you for reading.

Edited February 12, 2016 by JL34

[lchf]

Holy ***** seriously? Cancel that thing immediately. Why does the money NOT bother you? You like paying for something you aren't using?

 

I doubt you'll ever get that money from her. Cut your losses and walk away.

[PegNosePete]

She is using it because she can. She figures, the consequences of continuing to use it are zero. What you gonna do, dump her?? Why would she not use it, every time she gets away with it, it's free money.

[Brando]

You should definitely let her keep using it and keep paying for it. Why don't you start sneaking over to her house at night and anonymously fill her gas tank?? Maybe you should sneak a $50 in her mail box?? All these things will certainly ensure you have a chance to reconcile!!

 

Sounds dumb right? Stop it now! Cut this woman off. I, like you didn't appreciate my ex enough and was closed off emotionally and she walked after 2 years. It is what it is....there is a reason you didn't care that much during the relationship. Now that she dumped you you have put her on that mighty pedestal. Forget her, cut her off! Bye!!

 

Be an alpha. I know, it's tough. You're probably in pain and grieving. Take that pain and use it. Work on your profession. Hit the gym and hit it hard! Be the best you possible. Once you start hitting some short term goals you will regain some confidence and adopt a new mentality.

 

She wants to walk...let her. If anything, she might pop back up one day and see you are A-O-K without her. It's a sweet feeling. Keep up with the therapy for yourself. It's 100% you time. She doesn't matter anymore. The next one will be so much better after you go through some personal growth.

[d0nnivain]

Cancel it. Send her a text & tell her you cancelled it & she owes you $100. She won't pay but tell her anyway.

 

Don't worry about a future reconciliation. It is not going to happen.

[jen1447]

Given where you're at emotionally, I'd do the second thing - let her know you're cancelling it. Being a dick won't help you feel better so don't be. She's on shaky ground herself doing this but that's not what this is about ultimately so no need to try to fight that battle. Just cancel the pass and let her know and done.

 

btw, letting it go on and you keep paying definitely won't help any chances of reconciliation. She'll see you as weak and that she can push you around however she likes and you'll just take it.

[JL34]

Just a follow up. Ex sent me a text 4 weeks ago to "move on" and I did - never sent another text, call etc. I moved on and continue today with therapy to work on my emotional unavailability issues. I feel so much better and look forward to the next relationship.

 

That said, I received a bill yesterday for 80 bucks. The ex has been using my toll pass for the last two weeks despite telling me she wouldn't. I cancelled it today and sent her a text "cancelled the pass" as a way to take the high road.

 

100% certain she used the pass in spite without getting into the reasons. I just can't believe she did this or why. Ego? Attention? Perplexing. Why would someone act such a way?

[Neffer]

Its crappy behaviour on her part that she again used the pass, but you really should have just cancelled it as she has physical possession. She likely used it out of a feeling of entitlement or laziness...perhaps residual anger at you. None of these reasons are really worth examining. Many exes use netflix accts, etc after breakups. Bad behaviour, but not worth examining for motive. It doesn't really mean anything deep.

 

*Btw she did have a reason for the breakup - its all in the first paragraph you wrote - your treatment of her. You shut her out, were cold and cruel, and told her you didn't love her. Its good that you realize the issue(s) and are addressing your problems. Shutting someone out completely will kill a relationship every time; there really is no way back from that, you hurt the other person too much for them to trust you again. Good luck with your therapy. I sincerely mean that.

[JL34]

Thank you for the response - insightful. I just want to clarify however that I was never cruel to her. I never personally attacked her, belittled her, etc. Iam not that kind of person. I don't her I didn't know if I still loved her after she said she didn't know if she still loved me. Regardless, moot points. I'm just hurt that she would use the pass so many times despite telling me she wouldn't. It also hurts that she never returned any of my stuff after the breakup.

[jen1447]

Just a follow up. Ex sent me a text 4 weeks ago to "move on" and I did - never sent another text, call etc. I moved on and continue today with therapy to work on my emotional unavailability issues. I feel so much better and look forward to the next relationship.

 

That said, I received a bill yesterday for 80 bucks. The ex has been using my toll pass for the last two weeks despite telling me she wouldn't. I cancelled it today and sent her a text "cancelled the pass" as a way to take the high road.

 

100% certain she used the pass in spite without getting into the reasons. I just can't believe she did this or why. Ego? Attention? Perplexing. Why would someone act such a way?

 

This wouldn't be an issue if you'd cancelled the pass back when you started this thread. Why didn't you?

 

She kept using it bc of the reasons I mentioned over a month ago -

 

"btw, letting it go on and you keep paying definitely won't help any chances of reconciliation. She'll see you as weak and that she can push you around however she likes and you'll just take it."

[JL34]

Your right! She stopped using it after she sent the "move on" text. Figured that was it. Never thought she would use me like that - she dumped me after all. Doesn't need the money, and I did as she wished.

 

Still don't understand why she would do such a thing.

[Simon Phoenix]

Your right! She stopped using it after she sent the "move on" text. Figured that was it. Never thought she would use me like that - she dumped me after all. Doesn't need the money, and I did as she wished.

 

Still don't understand why she would do such a thing.

 

Does it matter? What's the point? I mean, it could be a variety of things. Heck, she might have tried it just to see if it still worked, noticed it worked and figured "what the heck, might as well take advantage" and continued to do it. It's kind of like when the cable company accidentally gives you free premium channels -- you inevitably keep watching them until they fix the glitch.

 

Either way, you're going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure this out. People enjoy free stuff.

[Robert]

Note from moderation: this thread has been closed as there is another thread currently active that has an update about the toll pass. Typically we merge threads but in this particular case it would cause confusion, so instead we are closing this up and asking further posts to be in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/569878-i-showed-up-unannounced-valentine-s-day

 

Thanks,

~6