My 4 year GF broke up with me out of nowhere

[capitan]

I am 26, and my 4 year girlfriend broke up with me.

I had a great relationship with my GF, we were BFFs I was there for her in some rough times and supported her in every decision she made. Then about a couple of months ago she was accepted in her dream Masters degree course, but wasn't sure it was what she wanted for her life, and had some kind of crisis. I was there for her the whole time and encouraged her to at least try it and make some friends. She started her course in January and I encouraged her to attend to every social gathering on her own for the first weeks, to help her become close to her peers and make some friends. She had trouble making friends before, so this was a little push I gave her. She told me she missed me all the time, but was making some friends and was happy, then this happened:

 

WEDNESDAY

She came and visited me by surprise and invited me to dinner. (She payed the check and everything) we had a great night, nothing was off. After that, she messaged me on facebook and told me she wanted some space and needed to be on her own for some time. I understood, told her it hurt but I would give her as much space as she needed. (I was giving her plenty at this time)

 

SATURDAY

After Wednesday I decided to give her as much space as she needed and my contact with her was minimum for the next days. Then, Saturday night, she told me to meet her up at some friend's party, that I should go. I was aware of the party, because he is a guy we both went to college with, but because I was introduced to him by her, and he is one of her best friends, trying to give her the space she asked for, I had decided not to be there, but after her call I decided to be there. We had fun, had some drinks and it seemed like nothing had happened on Wednesday, it was a great night. She then drove me home. (I own a car, but decided to take an Uber) THEN that same night she sent me another facebook message, telling me she was for sure this time she wanted to end things with me. I couldn't understand what was going on, she told me she saw me as her best friend and that was it. And that she thought I wouldn't get along with her new friends (which she had met for only 3 weeks ago) and that she wanted to keep hanging out with them, because it made her happy. At this point I had never met her friends, I'm a social guy, and I was the one that encouraged her to hang out with them! So I couldn't understand why she was talking to me as if she had to pick between me and them, and WHY WOULD SHE PICK HER 3 WEEK OLD FRIEND OVER HER 4 YEAR OLD BOYFRIEND!. I lost myself, and begged her not to "kill us" for a crisis. She just told me she had made her choice and that was it.

 

SUNDAY

She sent me a message as soon as she woke up, asking me to forgive her for all the pain, but that she thought it was better for us not to be together anymore and that she wanted us to be friends, but if I didn't want to, she'll understand. I told her how I had not interest on being her friend and then we talked about how we had to live our lives apart, grow and then decide if we were right for each other. Then she sent me a pic with a quote from "Boy meets world" about Corey and Topanga's relationship, which said something like: You live your life and i'll live mine and if we are right together, we'll be together and it will be beautiful.

 

MONDAY

She contacted me and tried to keep things as usual, but my heart is just broken so I just reply with dry texts.

 

TUESDAY

She sent me a text while I was on a meeting and didn't reply. Then at night I had tickets to go to a concert which I was planning to attend with her and her brother. Loving the band that was playing I decided to attend (it was a general ticket) instead of feeling miserable at home. And as I was leaving the venue (it's a 5,000 people venue) I ran into her and her brother. I greeted them both and she quickly told me they had to leave. Our encounter lasted less than 30 seconds. Then at home I replied to her text and we talked for some time about random things and she doesn't reply to my last text. (It was an answer to a question she asked me, about how my meeting went)

 

WEDNESDAY

No contact, whatsoever.

 

I am writing this in order for you to give me support and tell me if it is possible to get my girlfriend back or if I should just move on. I'm focusing on myself and tried to stay healthy these days. Also, do you think there's another guy? Someone from her new friends she has a crush on? Is it all in my mind? Should I try no contact? I feel the reason she is talking to me is because she wants to know I'm ok and feel less guilty of ending our relationship.

 

If you managed to read through all this, thank you.

[LostOnes05]

Been there before bro. And yes it sucks. What you have to do is cut all contact. If you see her out a quick nod and keep it moving. It is most likely a crush she has on some guy in her class. She is no longer relevant to your life. If she can throw away 4 years for 3 weeks, she wasn't in it for the long haul. Go No Contact and heal up! It's gonna hurt for a while. But don't let her come crawling back when she realizes the grass isn't greener.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry for your pain, OP.

 

And I think you hit the nail on the head when you guessed she's met another guy in her new friend group. I would bet any money that's what's really happened here.

 

She doesn't think you'd get along with her friends, which to me sounds more like a way to keep you away from them - because there's someone in that group she's taken a shine to.

 

To top it all off, she did this via Facebook message? This girl needs to grow up. She didn't have the cojones to tell you to her face that she needed space after 4 years. That's a bad sign in and of itself.

 

If she texts you again, I would tell her plainly she needs to stop contacting you, as you're no longer a couple. And then go silent. I would imagine you're right that she feels guilty and perhaps not sure if her new crush will evolve into something more. Start No Contact and focus on you. It's impossible to say right now if she'll be back. But your energy needs to go in to self-care and healing at this time.

[lchf]

Breaking up over a FB message -_- some respect she has for you OP, her BF of 4 YEARS. You know what to do.. NC, no friendship, that's that. Plenty of good NC guides on this site.

[NVO]

I agree with the other posters about the break up over Facebook. But on top of that she had the chance to talk to you face to face, but instead she chose to lie to you and act like everything's fine. I find that very disrespectful. My ex basically did the same thing, and it's something I will never forget.

[lolablue17]

Yes, you don't know everything, yes, most chances it's another guy (but not for sure). Next time she contacts you, ask her to contact you ONLY if she's willing to be honest with you about the break up, because you know she wasn't. Until then, she isn't welcome.

[elaine567]

Four year relationship, getting boring, she probably reached the stage, "Am I going to marry this guy or not?"

She is still very young so I am guessing decided NO to marriage and settling down. So where does that leave her? Does she still see you anyway, knowing she doesn't want marriage to you for years or ever, or does she get out?

Starts a Masters and meets others out having fun and looks at what you two have and decides she is now definitely on a different path, and ends it with you.

She may have ended it with or without the new friends.

Women take a long time to decide such things, I guess it as not a decision made in the last few weeks, but the "new" life spurred her on to make it.

She has most likely processed her grief already over your relationship, Many in this situation, have got over the "relationship" break up, before they even tell the other, so do not be surprised if she finds someone else pretty quick.

She just wasn't the one for you.

[Satu]

Time passes, things change.

 

Sometimes relationships have a limited shelf life and run out of steam.

 

Your relationship is one of those.

 

Now you have the opportunity to restructure your life for the next phase.

 

Make it satisfying in every way you can.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[mightycpa]

Add me to the resounding chorus.

 

Don't forget to tell her via Facebook post. Something fairly unemotional, like so:

Matilda, I've thought about it. Thanks, but no thanks. Don't contact me again until you hear from me first. Good luck to you.

Then block her ass everywhere - FB, text, email, whatever. You don't want to get her messages of pity for you, or her demands either.

 

If you haven't exchanged belongings yet, then use her brother to get it done.

[MightyPen]

Add me to the resounding chorus.

 

Don't forget to tell her via Facebook post. Something fairly unemotional, like so:

Then block her ass everywhere - FB, text, email, whatever. You don't want to get her messages of pity for you, or her demands either.

 

If you haven't exchanged belongings yet, then use her brother to get it done.

 

Yup, she is a flake and rather heartless to end a four-year relationship via Facebook, especially when she had just been with you a few hours earlier.

 

Ugh what a flake. You're better off, man. I'm not just saying that - it's true.

[Itspointless]

I am sorry capitan, it almost is a cliche: young girl is having a crisis, boyfriend is cheering her up and motivating her. Girl finds her mojo again and dumps his ass. It is very likely that she indeed has found someone who she thinks is interesting. You are the dependable guy linked to her crisis and others seem exciting now.

 

Please do not change your good qualities, it is her loss that she thinks she is better of without you. Well two can play that game.

[Rockdad]

Like others that have posted I too have been down the road your on. Long term relationship, I introduced her to my buddies that had a band and she could really rock n roll sing.

 

The very 1st night she played a gig with them she broke it off with me. I was devastated and lost. Long story short after months of heart break I decided I was going to get myself together.

 

I started dating and having fun again. A very pretty girl I was dating was really into me and we were getting close. The ex GF worked herself back into the picture and I did the stupidest mistake I have done in my life to date. I took her back.

 

We got married soon after and I knew the night after the wedding I really messed up. In hindsight I could now see she was just reclaiming her territory. The marriage lasted a very long miserable abusive time for me.

It cost me years of my life and hundreds of thousands to divorce her.

 

Don't repeat anything close to what I did. Once you get healed don't open that door to that relationship ever again.

[capitan]

Thanks for all your support messages, it's great to know I'm not alone. I'm taking exercise as my way to cope and been getting busy going to the movies, talking long walks, trying to stay healthy overall. I'm afraid I'm still in denial about what just happened, I just don't know, it's been a few days and after just one nasty day, I decided to pick myself up. I guess it's harder to believe because we were just talking about moving together and getting married. You're right about her getting scared for doing this and wanting to be out there more, especially since she had little friends in the past, and now she is hanging out all the time with this group of people who still drink and party like highschoolers, I know this made me sound like a party pooper but on the contrary, I'm just over that stage of life when you just binge drink because that's the most fun you can have. And whenever I asked her to go out, it was her who wanted to stay at home, etc. I'm starting to realize I did nothing wrong, and she is just being immature, wanting to recover for all that time she didn't go out, etc. And you're absolutely right, now she sees me as part of her life she wants to get away. I think is fair for people to move on quickly if they've been thinking about this for some time, I don't understand why she just didn't tell me at the time, and instead kept misleading me and telling me she loved me and wanted to spent her life with me. But I guess that's the question everyone in here is asking.

At this point if she came begging me to take her back I wouldn't be able to, because at this point I'm still heartbroken and I want to fix that, and can't be with her or anyone else, I have that clear now.

Thanks again, I will keep you posted on what's going on and I will appreciate your support during this hard time.

[Itspointless]

Thanks for all your support messages, it's great to know I'm not alone. I'm taking exercise as my way to cope and been getting busy going to the movies, talking long walks, trying to stay healthy overall. I'm afraid I'm still in denial about what just happened

You seem to be a smart guy, keep doing these things!

I don't understand why she just didn't tell me at the time, and instead kept misleading me and telling me she loved me and wanted to spent her life with me. But I guess that's the question everyone in here is asking.

I think it is the most asked question. Communicating about doubts and fears makes people vulnerable. Most people delay talking about such things until there are really sure. Introducing doubt into the relationship also means introducing instability and the possibility of loosing comfort. Unfortunately at the time the dumpers are sure of their thing they usually already processed most of their grief, while the one receiving the message are gutted. In mature relations (but she was young) you might hope that people communicate about what is upsetting them so both can see if they can work on it.

[Been]

Block her on EVERYTHING but DONT tell her-let her find out herself when she tries to contact you-trust me on this.

And it wasn't out of the blue-she had someone lined up before she broke up with you. It's happened to everyone and I know it sucks.

And everytime you get that itch to contact her-remember how she just disrespected the hell out of you-you really wanna talk with someone who has no respect for you?

[Been]

I mean think about it. She basically throws you away BUT still contacts you on occasion? So if you say hey I don't think it's a good idea that we stay in contact-she already knows that. You don't need to explain yourself or justify yourself-just block her and that's it.

[kztar]

Man, I know the feeling. Im going through something like that myself. It's tough and as much as you read here it's a process. But do no contact to heal YOURSELF. I know that us (those who are caring most about the relationship) tend to cater and care for the other party so much that we even forget about ourselves. Good luck and keep us posted.

[brittly42]

So sorry to hear you're hurting! It is difficult when a person you care about suddenly seems to have a change of heart. Have you reached out to someone in your life, like another friend or a coworker or pastor to tell them what you're experiencing? When we're hurting, it's important to have someone in our lives who knows. It seems like your GF is trying to find/establish herself in a new role. It may be helpful to let her know you're there if she changes her mind, but you'll be exploring new options, too. Hang in there.

[Lily blue]

In a serious relationship over two years or so, most of women wants more from their man like propose? Even if she don't say nothing but its in her mind and telling her friends about it too unless two of you talk about no interest in getting married.

So woman wants out if there is no future or no signs of guy ever proposing.

So 4 years and if you truly loved her, should a put a ring on her.

Women do not want to being led on and and on hang on to the relationship going no where because when women is in love, she wants to be with him and commitment for life. Otherwise it's waste of her time and keep wondering dose he love me or he just keep me hang in on?

That is my thoughts as being a women and listening to a lot of women friends and stuff.

[Radu]

Paying for it all on that dinner (if it was out of character) was a way of control, and to also see herself as not taking advantage of you.

She probably planned to say something during the date but she didn't have the guts so she used the other venue where you two were completely apart.

 

Most likely there is a guy in that group, or she is ashamed of you interacting with that group.

Her message of 'love will find a way' is both to keep you interested and to reassure herself that she has options.

 

She asked to be your friend and remain your friend, with the idea that you will sit on the backburner and that it is a softer break (makes herself feel less bad).

When you said no, you kinda torpedoed her plans (which is why the 180 and No contact is so powerfull in this situation).

So she had the final say with that message of 'love will find a way' to still impose the backburner situation.

 

Your best bet is to put yourself first, or not and indulge her for a little while just to find out who this guy is.

But safest is to put yourself first.

 

PS: There is a small probability this has something to do with marital status.

However you did not mention it and i am not going to assume.

One thing to note is that no normal adult would throw away a 4yr relationship over not proposing without first talking it over and hinting strongly at what a huge thing it is.

If they do, you are better off without them anyway.