JaredP Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 We've been dating for about 3 months now and she's been just the best but her mom doesn't approve of me and just wants her to focus on school..she's going to talk to her dad about me to solve that problem.. I couldn't see her for about a week beacuse of work and she had to stay home to watch her younger brother and do homework. then she started acting a bit weird.. Then she told me. She cheated on me and she said she didn't know what came over her or why she'd let it happen and she just feels like absolute crap. I was shocked. I got angry. Then I lost it and cried like crazy...and almost crashed my car crying while texting and driving at 12PM on my way to see her..and it took a while but i calmed down and seperated my heart from my mind in order to think clearly..and the answer was obvious. I forgave her and told her the truth. that it was all just a stupid mistake and as long as she stands up and learns from it, then I forgive her and everything will be just fine. Now she said okay and that she just needs space now for a couple days to figure herself out...she said beacuse her and that other guy had sex she can't help but have an emotional memory of it all and she said it felt like all the Sparks she has for me shifted onto him in the moment. The guy was a douche. He hasn't texted her since it happened and it's been almost a week. Now she's telling me she needs time to be alone and to get him out of her system so she can come back to me..or not.. I'm left here on the edge scared out of my mind that if I give her distance, she'll forget about me or she'll falsely decide that everything wasn't real..when it was.. and we'll end up losing something incredibly special we were just barely beginning to understand..i feel like if I remain quiet she might trick herself into believing that I was never THE ONE..and that beacuse the mistake happened, it somehow gives a reason for her to wrongly decide that she never loved me and she's not sure..but I KNOW THIS TO BE FALSE. It was all a stupid mistake for which I have already gotten over. People aren't perfect and what happened was wrong. But i forgive her and one stupid mistake like this shouldn't rip us apart forever..im willing to forget. Hell. I've already forgotten. I know in my heart that we are meant to be together....and everything feels so right...when I met her it instantly clicked *I just love her with all my heart and soul and I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else but her......I'll die if I lose her..... Please any advice would be more than welcomed ... Link to post Share on other sites
DarkHorizon Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I know in my heart that we are meant to be together....and everything feels so right...when I met her it instantly clicked *I just love her with all my heart and soul and I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else but her......I'll die if I lose her..... You've dated for three months. She already cheated on you. She is asking for "space". Run, and run fast. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
GR4 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Christ, where do I begin? Firstly, three months is no time at all. By the sounds of your post you're both pretty young so to you maybe three months feels like a long time but trust me it really isn't. Secondly, she's not perfect, she's not "just the best" she cheated on you. That's the worst thing you can do in a relationship. By taking her back (huge mistake, especially this early on in a relationship) you've let her know that you tolerate that sort of behaviour. Get rid of her now. If you don't I guarantee she'll cheat on you again and again and again. Why do you even want to be with this girl? I'd kick her to the kerb and never have anything to do with her again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 OP, you need to get grip on yourself here. You will not die without her. You will be in pain, but you will live. She does not love you, not in the way you deserve. Girls who love their boyfriend don't have sex with other guys. Especially not so soon into the relationship. She didn't make a mistake; she made a choice. And a bad one. You desperately need to find your dignity and self-respect and get rid of her. She's essentially telling you she is lusting after someone else. I think she probably hoped that would be enough to get you to break up with her because she's too immature to just do it herself. But make no mistake OP, this girl is not invested in you. I know you're hurt but she's a tool. It won't matter if you disappear because her mind is with someone else. You don't know her mind better than she does. You can't substitute your feelings for her own. She doesn't feel the same way about you. Harsh, but true. Have you never had a girlfriend before or something? You should be running like hell in the opposite direction from her, not clinging on to a toxic person. You deserve someone who loves and respects you. She doesn't. Get away from her and stay away! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Poster Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 She cheated on you 3 months into a relationship? That is one hell of a feat. 3 months is still in the honeymoon phase. The fact she cheated on you that early isn't even a red flag, it's the sound of a starting gun firing that is warning you to RUN. LIKE. HELL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaredP Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 But I know her. And she genuinely feels terrible about it all and the guy just took advantage of her cause she's young and nieve..should I wait and see what happens and if thinks aren't changing any or if she's never going to get over it then make the final decision? I feel like it won't ever happen again and that she just needs time to forgive herself after I had already forgiven her...so that she can look at me without feeling the immense guilt she feels gripping around her throat. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 It wasn't a 'stupid mistake.' It was something she wanted to do. She thought about it, and decided to do it. She did it of her own free will. No mistake. No accident. She's already transferred her 'sparks' or affections to the other guy. She wants some 'space' to figure out what to do with you, because you appear to be unstable and unpredictable. She doesn't love you. I'm not sure that she even likes you much. In all honesty, I think the best thing you can do is go and see your doctor, and get something to help you calm down. Sorry if that sounds very clinical, but "I got angry. Then I lost it and cried like crazy...and almost crashed my car crying while texting and driving at 12PM on my way to see her," clearly indicates that you're not thinking rationally, and are a potential danger to yourself. Call your doctor. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GR4 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 You don't know her though, really, do you. She'll do it again. Leave her now. You say she's naive, well take a good look in the mirror... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 My previous should have read: "a potential danger to yourself and others." Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 But I know her. And she genuinely feels terrible about it all and the guy just took advantage of her cause she's young and nieve..should I wait and see what happens and if thinks aren't changing any or if she's never going to get over it then make the final decision? I feel like it won't ever happen again and that she just needs time to forgive herself after I had already forgiven her...so that she can look at me without feeling the immense guilt she feels gripping around her throat. No, you really shouldn't. You're trying to rationalize her awful behaviour because it's easier than swallowing the truth: she's not in love with you and she's not trustworthy at all. It really sounds to me like she's looking for a way out of this relationship with you. How old are you both? And how much relationship experience do you have? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaredP Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 I'm 18 and she's 17. She's would be in pretty much constant communication with me during those 3 months..and i am waiting for marriage to have sex and she agreed to wait with me but when we would make out we would always get close then I'd pull away..she did give me a hand job once though..and i think the reason it happened is beacuse she was sexually frustrated that I wouldn't ever do it with her..and it got all bottled up inside her and she was seeking release..and now she said she feels like a hypocrite and an absolute slut for doing such a thing to me...it's like...the way she went about seeking forgiveness was the only reason I forgave her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Jared, it could be that she's simply not mature enough to have a relationship. Her parents know this and it's why they want her to focus on school. As much as it will hurt, I'd let her go. You deserve better than someone who can't decide if she wants to be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaredP Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 I've had like 3 serious relationships previously and she's only had like 4 not so serious relationships 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I'm 18 and she's 17. She's would be in pretty much constant communication with me during those 3 months..and i am waiting for marriage to have sex and she agreed to wait with me but when we would make out we would always get close then I'd pull away..she did give me a hand job once though..and i think the reason it happened is beacuse she was sexually frustrated that I wouldn't ever do it with her..and it got all bottled up inside her and she was seeking release..and now she said she feels like a hypocrite and an absolute slut for doing such a thing to me...it's like...the way she went about seeking forgiveness was the only reason I forgave her. Oh, dear. You're way too young to be settling for this type of behaviour. You have so much life ahead of you and other, more respectful girls to meet. You two are not compatible if you prefer to wait for marriage to have sex and she doesn't. She's just proved that. Forgiving cheating sets a horrible precedent. She's too young and immature to fully understand the consequences of her actions, and given that she's still thinking about him, I can almost guarantee she will cheat on again. Don't give her that chance. She doesn't deserve it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I've had like 3 serious relationships previously and she's only had like 4 not so serious relationships You're 18, and you've had 3 "serious" relationships... you're young kid, life is full of opportunity, if a girl cheats it;s most likely because she's moving on. Accept it, dump HER firmly, and you'll grow and be stronger. She'll actually respect you more, and so will other people around you. Grow some balls, and have some self-esteem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Better yet Jared, what you really need to do is to tell her she can bang whoever she wants, including you, and that you are going to do the same. Maybe even assign her one of the days of the week where she can be with you. Then go find some other girls to share the love with too. You're only young once! Trust me when I say you won't spend your life with this girl. You might as well enjoy her treats without getting all wrapped around the axle about trying to stop what will eventually happen anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
quattrob Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 But I know her. And she genuinely feels terrible about it all and the guy just took advantage of her cause she's young and nieve..should I wait and see what happens and if thinks aren't changing any or if she's never going to get over it then make the final decision? I feel like it won't ever happen again and that she just needs time to forgive herself after I had already forgiven her...so that she can look at me without feeling the immense guilt she feels gripping around her throat. You've been together for 3 months and you think you know everything about her? You're being naïve to think that. I'm sure she "genuinely" feels terrible about what she did but who wouldn't? Most people would feel bad when they hurt someone whether it's intentional or not. Fact of matter is, she doesn't love you if she did she wouldn't have cheated on you. You need to wake up and realize that. Stop making excuses for her and yourself. This girl is not the one for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DarkHorizon Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Jared, You came here for advice. People here won't tell you what you want to hear - they will be honest with you, and that's what you need right now - honesty. Many here are older than you, with a lot more experience. Some here experienced breakups after ten years of relationship, for instance. Heartbreak and emotional pain are serious business, and no one here is trying to minimize your experience, but try to see things in perspective. We are here to help each other, and in order to find real help in these boards, the first step is to understand that when we are in love and in pain, we don't see things clearly. When reading these comments, try not to read them with your heart, but with your mind. They will then make a bit more sense to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VintageWine Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 We've been dating for about 3 months now and she's been just the best but her mom doesn't approve of me and just wants her to focus on school..she's going to talk to her dad about me to solve that problem.. I couldn't see her for about a week beacuse of work and she had to stay home to watch her younger brother and do homework. then she started acting a bit weird.. Then she told me. She cheated on me and she said she didn't know what came over her or why she'd let it happen and she just feels like absolute crap. I was shocked. I got angry. Then I lost it and cried like crazy...and almost crashed my car crying while texting and driving at 12PM on my way to see her..and it took a while but i calmed down and seperated my heart from my mind in order to think clearly..and the answer was obvious. I forgave her and told her the truth. that it was all just a stupid mistake and as long as she stands up and learns from it, then I forgive her and everything will be just fine. Now she said okay and that she just needs space now for a couple days to figure herself out...she said beacuse her and that other guy had sex she can't help but have an emotional memory of it all and she said it felt like all the Sparks she has for me shifted onto him in the moment. The guy was a douche. He hasn't texted her since it happened and it's been almost a week. Now she's telling me she needs time to be alone and to get him out of her system so she can come back to me..or not.. I'm left here on the edge scared out of my mind that if I give her distance, she'll forget about me or she'll falsely decide that everything wasn't real..when it was.. and we'll end up losing something incredibly special we were just barely beginning to understand..i feel like if I remain quiet she might trick herself into believing that I was never THE ONE..and that beacuse the mistake happened, it somehow gives a reason for her to wrongly decide that she never loved me and she's not sure..but I KNOW THIS TO BE FALSE. It was all a stupid mistake for which I have already gotten over. People aren't perfect and what happened was wrong. But i forgive her and one stupid mistake like this shouldn't rip us apart forever..im willing to forget. Hell. I've already forgotten. I know in my heart that we are meant to be together....and everything feels so right...when I met her it instantly clicked *I just love her with all my heart and soul and I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else but her......I'll die if I lose her..... Please help.. You'll die if you lose her? Stop talking with that, no you won't. I'm telling you now for future reference, stop with that line, stop it now. You won't die if you lose her and honestly, in reality. You didn't lose anything. You gained something believe it or not, why be with someone that's going to cheat on you? She made the choice to cheat, realize that. Not the "I don't know what came over me!" crap. She made the choice, simple as that. I know it's hard, however, you need to end this. Obviously people aren't perfect, however, that is no excuse whatsoever for cheating on you. You're just trying to find some glimpse of reason to just hang on when there is no reason so let go of the "people make mistakes" she just made the wrong choice. She could have removed herself from the situation but she made the choice not to. Leave her now, you're not a welcome home mat to be walked all over on. Leave, delete contact, block and move on. Believe me when I say you'll meet someone else that you will love again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VintageWine Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) But I know her. And she genuinely feels terrible about it all and the guy just took advantage of her cause she's young and nieve..should I wait and see what happens and if thinks aren't changing any or if she's never going to get over it then make the final decision? I feel like it won't ever happen again and that she just needs time to forgive herself after I had already forgiven her...so that she can look at me without feeling the immense guilt she feels gripping around her throat. Bull f*cking sh*t and you know it. Stop trying to find reasons to make this work and to stay with her. She made the choice to cheat, do you really think this girl respects you? Have respect for yourself and leave. You're just holding on to that thing called hope and you need to let go. And you're the one that's being naive in this situation. I was your age before, literally! I'm 20 years old and my first boyfriend was when I was 17 and in high school, had the same thoughts you had when he left me for someone else when I hit 18. Enough with the bull and pull the trigger. Take it from me, I thought I would die when my first bf left me. I didn't and guess what? I got into other relationships as well, I loved again, hell I even fell in love with an ex FWB after getting my heart ripped out in August. It's possible. You have to let go and move on. Again, stop trying to find reasons to stay with her. You're so young dude. You have your whole life ahead of you and hell, if you go to college, it's going to be fun. Do you and forget about her. As blunt as that sounds, you have to remember one of the people you need to love is yourself. Leave her and do you. Edited February 9, 2016 by VintageWine 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 You are much too young to think of marriage...especially with a cheater. She doesn't want this relationship with you. You need to develop standards that you won't accept this kind of behaviour and disrespect. You have your whole life ahead of you.... please don't get hung up on this one gal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GR4 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Why are you trying to rationalise/justify her behaviour? As others have said she made a choice to cheat on you, it had nothing to do with her age or naivety. Also, there is no way that at 18 years of age you've been in three serious relationships. Are you even sure what you had with this girl is a relationship? Believe me, you will not spend the rest of your life with this girl. I know it hurts but I can only be blunt with you. It's over. Move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 She doesn't like you as much you like her. She cheated in part because she is young & immature. It sometimes feels easier to just cheat then to do the right thing, which is always harder. She didn't really have the maturity or integrity to break up with you which is what she really wants but instead is making you be the bad guy. Just end it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaredP Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 How do i break up with her now?? I already forgave her...idk Link to post Share on other sites
266696687 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Seriously? You can't see through what she is doing? She cheated on you. It wasn't an accident it's something she chose to do. The reason why she is asking for space now is because she clearly has feelings for the other guy. She is anxiously anticipating him getting in contact with her. Therefore you have been demoted to the backup pile. She hasn't let you go but isn't with you either. She will keep you in limbo till she knows where she stands with this other guy. It's been a week and he hasn't contacted her (he probably isn't interested) but I would place money on it if they did get talking again or start something up you'd suddenly find yourself dropped. Chances are though she'll realise in the next few weeks (if he doesn't get in touch with her) that suddenly she wants you back. She is biding her time. You should tell her to take all the space she needs permanently. No going back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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