Resisting Hate

[K2z]

A little more than a year ago, my ex left our shared home for a "three month visit" to her sister in Europe.

 

A few months and an avalanche of lies later, she was married to a man from the same European country.

 

Of course there are two sides to every story -- but for the narrow purposes of this thread grant me the benefit of the doubt that I am legitimate in saying I was deceived and betrayed in an extremely heartless manner.

 

The biggest of my emotional wounds have begun to scab. I function in a way I never thought I would again. I no longer wish to drink myself to death, for example.

 

What I struggle with these days is a strong desire to hate her.

 

To be clear: there is no revenge scenario that would not turn me into a serious stalker or creep, so that's a road I neither can nor want to go down.

 

It's just an inner hate. I remember her through a lens of fury and disgust. And I have serious doubts as to whether that will subside.

 

Or, will it?

[CDJ]

I think I know how you feel. I really want to hate my ex for how she treated me, as I believe it will help me get over her and will stop me putting her on a pedestal.

 

The problem is, if I hate her then I will also feel like it was all a big waste of time and effort; so then I'll be left to mourn an 18-month hole in my life. Also, as most people will say, hate isn't a healthy thing to hold on to.

 

One thing I am sure of is that forgiveness is an overrated virtue and no tone I wish to indulge in! Maybe the right path is 'acceptance'?

 

Do you feel that hating your ex will help you?

[Been]

Why wouldn't you hate them?They lied,mistreated you etc.

turn the hate into motivation to better yourself-gym,school,job etc.

everytime you need motivation think how they treated you and let that motivate you.

[K2z]

 

Do you feel that hating your ex will help you?

 

You have nailed the Catch 22 perfectly. If I hate her, I nullify the time we had together and essentially confess to a three year mistake. If I "accept," then I implicitly condone her behavior and make myself into a four star chump.

 

I am searching for the happy medium. I guess it is simply to blot her out of my life, like Winston Smith and the memory hole. Make her an unperson. But that's sad, too.

[Neffer]

Accept that it will be a low level hatred, more akin to disgust. Despicable behaviour tends to cause that. I think that is a normal reaction. In time it will just be mild disgust when you think of her at all.

 

Its going to be sad regardless. Your only "mistake" is that you thought she was someone other than who she turned out to be. That is really nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Just go through the phases of the grieving as they arrive. Eventually you will be clear of it all.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Neffer

[BC1980]

I know how you feel. I hated my ex for quite some time. I wished bad things upon him. I think that's pretty normal after what I went through. I think it sounds pretty normal after what you went through. With time and NC, I stopped hating him. I saw him at work one day and realized I didn't hate him anymore. I didn't have the urge to run him down and punch him anymore. I realized that I didn't feel much of anything towards him.

 

Is hating someone ideal? No. Is hating someone normal at times? Yes. I think it's healthier to be honest about how you feel and let it out. Write a hate filled letter you don't send or get a punching bag. It goes away in time.

[Chi townD]

Hatred can be part of your healing process. So, you can embrace it. But, I think that when you do, you'll find that you don't actually hate her, but you hate what she's done to you. And that, I believe, is part of growing indifferent towards her.

[amaysngrace]

I'm not sure but maybe you're disgusted at yourself for falling for her act. Then you answered it by doing destructive things to your body, only making her way of treating you okay because even you didn't value yourself.

 

So maybe you're really just mad at you for letting her have such a power over you.

 

Hatred of her is understandable. And forgiveness towards her maybe will come but the most important thing to do is forgive yourself.

 

You should never have treated yourself so poorly. You deserve better than she (or you) ever treated you.

[Toodaloo]

I'm not sure but maybe you're disgusted at yourself for falling for her act. Then you answered it by doing destructive things to your body, only making her way of treating you okay because even you didn't value yourself.

 

So maybe you're really just mad at you for letting her have such a power over you.

 

Hatred of her is understandable. And forgiveness towards her maybe will come but the most important thing to do is forgive yourself.

 

You should never have treated yourself so poorly. You deserve better than she (or you) ever treated you.

 

Exactly this.

 

I should by all rights hate my ex. I should by all rights want bad things to happen to him but I just can't be bothered. I feel sorry for him because he acted in such an appalling way and thought it was all OK.

 

Time to look after yourself. Never mind her or what she is doing now it really doesn't matter. What matters is that you are keeping yourself healthy, you are engaging in activities that make you feel better about yourself and that you encourage yourself to get up and go and find better.

 

Just think - lucky you. That poor bloke has married a girl who is capable of flings and flitting off. You haven't! Phew!

 

Lucky you - you don't have to worry about that any more. You can just concentrate on finding a partner who is not into that and is going to provide you with stability and a whole heap of fun!

[Been]

It's ok to hate just don't let it control your life.

Your going to hate your ex esp if you were lied to or mistreated. It's a natural feeling.

[edel]

I think hate is a too strong feeling for a person who did this to you. Try to repeat that to yourself.

 

My husband broke up with me over a text message out of the blue. I guess I should hate him, but I don't. I feel disgusted, I feel sorry for him. I have self-esteem and what he did to me was extremely coward. He has problems he will never be able to solve. You should see her the same way. She did something disgusting to you, she was a coward, a liar, and she won't change. She will probably do the same to her now-husband, or maybe he'll do it to her. People like that usually don't get their happy end. Feel sorry for her, find peace, don't hate her.

[BlueIris]

If your hatred is getting to you, try this: think of her as an animal. After all, people are animals, and in my opinion we're not superior to any other animals. This helped me because I do have compassion for animals. There was this spitting-nasty kid who beat me up for years when I was little and that’s how I overcame being so angry at him. So even if I don’t like a particular animal- like a badger, shark, javelina or the mean dog on the corner- I can still feel detached compassion for it because it is an animal. It helped me, so I thought I’d throw it out there. Good luck. It feels awful to feel hatred.

[K2z]

It does feel awful to feel hatred. And I do think she made her decisions out of desperation and an echo chamber of horror stories she told herself about how I didn't love her. (I waited too long to propose.)

 

What I experience these days is spinning like a centrifuge, emotionally. One minute, I love her and miss her. The next instant, I hate her. Whirring and whirring.

 

These have been some excellent responses and I am very grateful for the advice.

[DarkHorizon]

What I experience these days is spinning like a centrifuge, emotionally. One minute, I love her and miss her. The next instant, I hate her. Whirring and whirring.

 

Five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) in one single day.

[BlueIris]

It does feel awful to feel hatred. And I do think she made her decisions out of desperation and an echo chamber of horror stories she told herself about how I didn't love her. (I waited too long to propose.)

 

What I experience these days is spinning like a centrifuge, emotionally. One minute, I love her and miss her. The next instant, I hate her. Whirring and whirring.

 

These have been some excellent responses and I am very grateful for the advice.

 

Don't forget to feel compassion for yourself. That's often the trickiest one to achieve.

[HopeForTomorrow]

OP, I'm so sorry for what you went through.

 

I have problems with this one too, but I think time helps to allow you to hate the sin but not the sinner.

 

It is hard when you hand someone your heart and they stomp on it. One of the members of this forum has this in her signature: "'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to." I read this and think about it every time I read one of her posts. Handing someone your heart and then having them not love and protect it - but instead throw it back in your face - is one of the worst things to go through ever. It destroys your soul.

 

Please don't let it define you, though. It is not on you. When you are ready, do not be afraid to trust someone with your heart again. There are people out there who will honor and cherish that gift.

[K2z]

I know how you feel. I hated my ex for quite some time. I wished bad things upon him.

 

What interests me is that I don't wish her catastrophic things. I don't want the dude to beat her. I don't even really want her to get a divorce.

 

I just want her to feel a gnawing and profound regret. I want her to stare up at the ceiling and wonder "what did I give up, and what did I gain?" and have a sick feeling in the pit of the stomach that it was a horrible trade.

 

If he were to cheat now and then I might consider that OK.

[Satu]

Have you had the opportunity to fully express and explore your feelings with someone?

 

Its important to externalise those feelings.

 

Keeping them to yourself makes them harder to deal with.

[K2z]

Have you had the opportunity to fully express and explore your feelings with someone?

 

Oh yes indeed. I think my counselor is able to put a down payment on a new BMW thanks to me. Been talking to Mom quite a bit over the weeks too, and a few friends.

 

It's not a toxic, oh no-he's-gonna-snap kind of hate. It's just a very uncomfortable nausea of feeling betrayed.

[quattrob]

You have nailed the Catch 22 perfectly. If I hate her, I nullify the time we had together and essentially confess to a three year mistake. If I "accept," then I implicitly condone her behavior and make myself into a four star chump.

 

I am searching for the happy medium. I guess it is simply to blot her out of my life, like Winston Smith and the memory hole. Make her an unperson. But that's sad, too.

 

 

 

I understand how you are feeling and it's understandable to hate her for what she did to you but the sooner you can rid this hate and accept everything, the sooner you can be free. I think no one suffers more than the person having this hatred. It actually shackles you and keeps your mind linked to your past with her. So if you can even though it's hard, you should learn to let go of this hate because in the end it's just a negative energy that keeps you from being free.

[mightycpa]

Yeah, as ugly as it sounds, I think you need to feel those feelings so that they can eventually dissolve. If you repress them, they'll stay with you or come out in some other truly undesireable way.

[Satu]

Another poster on LS once said that carrying hate inside for someone is like taking poison and, waiting for the other person to die.

 

I'm not saying that that's absolutely the case, but it's an interesting thought.

 

Don't resist the feelings though, that never helps.

 

To be honest, I don't think you'll get your full power back until after these feelings have run their course.

 

How to do that?

 

You'll work it out.

 

 

Take care.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Satu

[K2z]

Another poster on LS once said that carrying hate inside for someone is like taking poison and, waiting for the other person to die.

 

This saying actually tends to be first attributed to the Buddha-- whether he truly said it or not I don't know.

[lana-banana]

This saying actually tends to be first attributed to the Buddha-- whether he truly said it or not I don't know.

 

Actually, this quote probably came from Alcoholics Anonymous, where it came into the mainstream. No doubt people who specialize in addiction understand the power of hatred.

[Captivating]

K2z,

 

You feel like you hate her because of all the hurt and rejection she caused you. It is normal to feel like that. The hate will subside and you will accept what happened. The sweet indifference will set in eventually.

 

It was her decision, it's on her, not on you. She kept everything in, failed to communicate crucial issues with you. Did you suppose to read her mind?

There must have been a reason that you were hesitant with that decision. You felt pushed into marriage and you instinctively resisted. You felt that her agenda was marriage and not marrying her love, you.

This is very strange for me too. She rushed to marry someone, anyone. This shattered your ego and you have a hard time moving forward.

 

The emotional fluctuations you are experiencing with the "whirring" are also completely normal, so don't feel bad about them.

 

I can feel that you are getting better though. "Hate" is good, ( let's call it "dislike" instead,) because she is off the pedestal and you start to see her more clearly, objectively. That's good. I sense that you will be just fine.

 

Start chatting with women It will be helpful.