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Ex GF (who left 3 months ago) moving things out next week - Crisis


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Hi all -

 

First time poster. Bare with me here - I'm writing this under a (very low) dosage of new anti-anxiety medication. Yep, that's where I am.

 

Ex girlfriend and I dated for 14 months - the last two of which were spent with me begging for her back on two separate occasions. Started dating in Sept 2014, moved in together mid-May 2015, she moved out at first Sept 2015, and was gone for good at the beginning of Nov.

 

I am a 28 year old male - definitely good looking (6'1, in shape, good job) and she's a 27 year old female (5'3. cute, spunky). She works in fashion I work in the music biz in NYC.

 

I'm struggling mightily. After basically going as little contact as possible and pushing her out of my mind, the reality of her having to come get her stuff is finally upon us. For the first few months, she would come as she pleased to grab things (I was never home) and we had a few lapses (sex) in November and then one almost-lapse in Jan.

 

She's maintained throughout this that she's happier and better off.

 

I've gone through a lot of therapy in this time period, realizing that I was absolutely controlling and difficult, and trying to understand why. In addition, I was extremely insecure in the relationship, and completely idealized her.

 

That being said, she's never taken any responsibility for why things fell apart. And it hurts. A lot.

 

Today we spoke on the phone and she, among other things, reaffirmed that her friends (who mean a ton to her, and who maybe met me, each, 4 or less times), hated me, and who she had become around me. She also said she doesn't regret leaving, and feels a mix of happy and sad. She was seeing a, who she slept with. I admitted to sleeping with someone too (a model). I neglected to mention another partner I had (the sex talk was prompted by me). We also discussed how I felt her acts of magnanimously wanting to give me a chance to talk to her was condescending, and that I really didn't want to speak to her anymore. That after she moves her stuff out (on the 20th) we should basically be out of each other's lives for good. I told her I couldn't forgive her leaving so abruptly, and that by doing so she showed me how little I meant to her and how little she respected me.

 

 

Her moving out a week after Valentines day makes this a tough two week period. I've spent a lot of time fighting the urge to blame (and hate) myself for what transpired.

 

Anyone have words of wisdom? Please, help. I'm in a crisis mode, of sorts.

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Side note: I've struggled with self worth for a long time. I'm a very involved guy, and part of that stems from the idea that my value comes from impressing others.

 

She cares a LOT about her friends, and I never felt accepted by them. My friends weren't huge fans of her, but, upon my insistence, welcomed her a lot more. They grew to genuinely like her.

 

My struggle has been in trying to just accept that the relationship ended because she didn't want it. And that should be enough.

 

But I am terrified I will end up alone.

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My advice would be to move her stuff to a self-storage space this week and tell her to pick up her **** there. It may take a while for you to feel good about it, but one day, you will. Also, don't leave a note or anything like that.

 

Then keep working on yourself. To be afraid that "I'll end up alone" says something about you. I don't know what, but it is unhealthy in a big way. Try to get to the bottom of that. Once you know what it is, you can work on fixing it.

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Confused Guy23

It sounds like you two didn't have a healthy relationship to begin with. You didn't like her friends, your friends didn't like her it probably was for a reason. You won't end up alone I hate the cliche there's plenty of fish in the sea but it's the truth. The longer you dwell on this relationship the worse you are going to feel. You need to start going out more little by little; start interacting with at least one new person a day. You'll eventually meet someone who is truly worth your time.

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Stop thinking of this as a crisis. It's not. It's a new beginning. She was not good for you. Her departure from your life is actually a blessing. Treat it like one.

 

 

Have her stuff all packed up with an inventory, then leave the apartment 15 minutes before she is supposed to be there. Have a dear friend sitting & waiting for her, to let her in & let her get her stuff. When she is gone, the friend can let you know & then you can come home.

 

 

After her stuff is gone rearrange your apartment. Move the furniture. Redecorate. Definitely get new sheets. Make the space yours.

 

 

In the future don't live with people until you have known them for at least a year.

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She and I discussed my having a friend around when she gets her and she took massive offense to that - she wants to come alone with her two friends.

 

The moving situation was necessitated by the expense of New York more than anything else. That, and the assurance from her that this was what she wanted.

 

My fear that I will end up alone is instilled by the fear that maybe I did something to make her friends dislike me. That, and that my other personality flaws cause me to be undesirable. Before she and I started dating, she appeared to have many, many guys who wanted her. I was seeing people, too, but it never felt like they wanted me in quite the way that she describes guys wanting her.

 

My self esteem is at an all-time low. I've done some online dating since we broke up but I still always feel like I'm getting rejected. It's a horrible cycle.

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She is moving her stuff into storage next week. At this point I'm

Just trying to be patient.

 

With regards to feeling like this is a blessing - in many ways I do. I go to therapy twice a week, I've been reading a lot of books trying to get to the bottom of my self hate, and I'm trying to cope with my loneliness head on.

 

But it's hard. Especially when she makes a point of telling me how good things are (at times) for her. It just makes me feel despondent.

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Step one.

Change the locks

 

Step Two.

Get off of OLD

 

Step Three.

Pack up all her stuff into boxes and go to a mutual friend. Dump it there and tell her to pick it up from them.

 

Step Four.

Breathe.

 

Step Five.

Delete all forms of contact. Tell any friends that you have that as far as you are concerned she is Voldermort. She who shall not be named.

 

Step Six.

Rearrange your furniture etc to the way you want it. Redecorate in the style you like.

 

Step Seven.

Sit down for a minute and think to yourself. What do you want to do with your life other than having a girlfriend? What are your career goals? What new things would you like to learn?

 

Step Eight.

Go out and do it.

 

Step Nine.

Make a note on the calender to come back and read this again in six months time and tell us how you are doing.

 

Just as a side note. Her telling you that all her friends hate you, how marvellous her life is with out you. Well that is just really pathetic behaviour on her part. She is lashing out at you and preying on you. best way to deal with these people is just to walk away and ignore them.

 

You really need to develop the attitude of "I am not taking any more of this crap". Really mean it right down in your core. Stand in front of the mirror and tell your self repeat it over and over again.

 

As soon as you stop taking crap people stop dishing it out. Trust me on that one. As soon as it stops coming your way you start to feel more confident and better in yourself. You become more assertive.

 

It takes time and practice. But with time and practice you can get there.

 

Chin up chook. But seriously quit taking all this crap from her. You have broken up and she can get the hell away from you. I know it hurts but just do it. Do not keep prolonging your agony.

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@Toodaloo -

 

I appreciate all the advice. It sucks because I still partially want her back. Not logically, but emotionally...

 

Conversely, I am very successful at what I do. I have a cool job in the music industry, make decent money by music biz standards (nearly 100k - close enough to actually live in NYC without having to bury myself) and am constantly busy with concerts and various art organizations in which I'm involved.

 

But having her (or anyone I love, really) by my side always gave me a strange affirmation. In my therapy, I'm getting to the bottom of this issue - largely father issues. But they persist constantly.

 

As for redecoration, etc. - the unfortunate truth is I don't have much disposable income. She is taking the bed, a lot of the furniture in the living room, and that means having to replace it slowly. For now she is splitting the rent, but that ends in May, and I'd like to be in better financial shape then.

 

I had been healing steadily over the last few months - the first two were a total mess - she broke up with me a week before my birthday, and two week before hers, she had originally broken up with me in Sept, a week after a very close uncle's funeral, so I was still recovering from that, too. January was good, though I still felt sadness whenever we had to interact (via text, and the one time she was waiting at the apartment for me).

 

Now, however, I feel lower than low again. That two hour convo set me back. Was I took honest in saying I'm not in love with her but I still miss her and the companionship and that I feel sadness every day. This in contrast to her happy-go-lucky-ness.

 

I'm a pretty honest guy - I admitted that in the beginning I did some stalking, and that my friends noticed things on her FB (though not stalking). She acted aghast. It seems stupid in retrospect, but a the time I was trying to clear the air.

 

How do I get beyond this? Living in this apartment is one gigantic trigger. We moved into it together, after I left a VERY cheap studio, and now I'm stuck. Everything about the neighborhood reminds me of her.

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I also constantly feel like I am to blame. I do recognize I had a lot of awful problems - control, ignoring her feelings, etc. - but I don't think I can be that much of the blame.

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Being hung up on an ex that doesn't want to be with you is like being attached to an old lottery ticket that didn't win you anything.

 

You are holding onto nothing.

 

Empty air.

 

'Moving on' is about adaptation.

 

You are a single person now.

 

Adapt to that reality by restructuring your life accordingly.

 

Adapt.

 

 

Take care.

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Well sometimes emotions lag behind a bit when logic dictates the correct course.

 

They will catch up and sooner if you follow strict rules.

 

You really need to learn to love yourself again.

 

So for now you want to be in better financial shape. You do not have much disposable income so why not set yourself a challenge. The challenge is to find second hand furniture that you really love. You can get a second hand bed and then just get a new mattress and sheets. You do not need to spend the earth to have nice things. You do need imagination.

 

Think of it as a cleanse. Even if you do move back to a cheaper apartment it doesn't matter because you are following your goals of being more financially stable and you are reaffirming who you are.

 

You feel you are to blame because you are accepting the blame rather than realising that it takes two to tango.

 

You have a great job that you clearly love. So thats a start. I would imagine you meet loads of people through that line of work! Just give yourself a break and time.

 

Wait until you can stand on your own two feet and smile as a single identity. Then you will be ready to date again. A partner is there to support and encourage not to make you whole. Only you can do that. I tell you what though. It feels really good to stand there, be proud of who you are as you are.

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@Toodaloo I agree with all that. My biggest struggle with the redecorating is I loved her subtle female touches. I am so stressed about how much I'm going to miss her little candles, etc.

 

the 20th can't come soon enough.

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@Toodaloo I agree with all that. My biggest struggle with the redecorating is I loved her subtle female touches. I am so stressed about how much I'm going to miss her little candles, etc.

 

the 20th can't come soon enough.

 

Put candles YOU like up! Hell go to a bloody candle making class and make your own!

 

Thing is you need a break. You have not found your own identity. Now is the time to do that. You live in New York not the sticks! You have a fashionable and energetic social job. You are in prime position to meet someone.

 

But this time don't f*** it up. This time know who you are, know what you want from life. Build a life and foundation around you so you have solid ground beneath you.

 

Buggar all this drama its just so damned stressful! Time to stop and smell the roses. As for this girl - reading that other post it was never going to work. The pair of you bouncing around like that... was bound to fall apart at some point.

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After my worst breakup, I was at the lowest point in my life, and didn't hink I'd ever get over it, but a day came when I looked at my life, and saw a great vista of opportunities. I realised that I could reshape my life into the life I wanted. I did.

 

I am much happier now than I have ever been.

 

It took me about a year and half to do the trek from misery to happiness.

 

The funny thing is that I am really glad now that we broke up.

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Who cares what she wants? She hurt you. You do what's best for you. If your self esteem is already at an all time low seeing her & the friends who allegedly don't like you will make things worse.

 

Seriously don't be there.

 

Put up the candles & the touches you like. Make it your place. You will feel so much better when all traces of her are gone & you can put your own stamp on things.

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In my therapy, I'm getting to the bottom of this issue - largely father issues. But they persist constantly.

 

 

Self worth comes from within and has little to do with your relationship with your father. Him not being a father that you should have had is all about him. If he said or did things that made you feel worthless then that's him dumping his baggage onto you. You can make a choice to carry it or not. It sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. You define you.....noone else. I would follow the steps in a previous post. I would give myself one day to grieve once her stuff is out and the next make a choice to move on. Don't worry about what she's doing. It doesn't matter. Take care of business then take care of yourself. You got this!

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Your self-esteem is at an all-time low because you were just dumped by someone you love. It's common to feel that way. Someone else mentioned it and I'll echo it too, get off OLD for now. You're trying to fill the void in a bad way and it's only making you feel worse because A. You feel MORE rejected, and B. You're probably comparing every girl to your ex.

 

It's great that you're in therapy, keep it up! More than half the battle is understanding we have things we need to work on and are actively working on it. You became controlling because you're insecure. I know, because I've been there. Keep digging and keep searching for the answers as to why.

 

In times like these, changes are GOOD. Change things up or do things you've always wanted to do but never felt you could. Start exploring and embrace the weird. Start walking a new path and see where it goes. Just keep moving!

 

It'll suck for a while. You'll hurt for a while. You'll have good days and bad days. Just keep going. Eventually you'll come out the other side, and better than before.

 

Good luck!

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In times like these, changes are GOOD. Change things up or do things you've always wanted to do but never felt you could. Start exploring and embrace the weird. Start walking a new path and see where it goes. Just keep moving!

 

It'll suck for a while. You'll hurt for a while. You'll have good days and bad days. Just keep going. Eventually you'll come out the other side, and better than before.

 

Good luck!

 

Your whole post had a ton of great advice - I appreciate that!

 

My only thing is, an this is part of my insecurity, she made a big deal of mentioned how SHE was "doing fun weird kooky stuff" - I have an idea of what some of it is. I've been lucky enough to allow myself to get very involved in things I love - I'm a HUGE sports fan, I love the arts and got involved with two organizations that I love. I go to tons of concerts and art events, and love everything I'm going to.

 

And yet, I feel like, in the face of whatever she's doing, what I'm doing isn't cool. Forget that I love going to breweries - if she's at the New York Philharmonic, I feel like my night was a waste.

 

I know this is part of my insecurity, but is this common? It's hard for me to fathom finding new interests, because I love the things I've been doing. I did drop playing golf last summer because she consumed my time, and plan on picking that back up again when it's warm. But beyond that, I don't really feel I need any more interests (hah!).

 

The biggest issue is, I got her involved in everything I loved because I wanted to share it with her. And now I associate it all with her.

 

Thanks to everyone for the help here - all your kind words are making a difference.

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OP:

 

This is something I put together for myself, but some of it might be useful to you.

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres for a female, 2 litres for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

Take care.

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And yet, I feel like, in the face of whatever she's doing, what I'm doing isn't cool. Forget that I love going to breweries - if she's at the New York Philharmonic, I feel like my night was a waste.

 

I know this is part of my insecurity, but is this common? It's hard for me to fathom finding new interests, because I love the things I've been doing. I did drop playing golf last summer because she consumed my time, and plan on picking that back up again when it's warm. But beyond that, I don't really feel I need any more interests (hah!).

 

What you are doing sounds cool to me! Being "cool" isn't about what you do its the passion you have for what you do.

 

Quit letting this girl rub stuff in your face! She clearly didn't want to do what you are doing so thats fine, let her go do what she is doing and to hell with it. This is where no contact will help you. She is working at making you feel really bad about yourself when there is absolutely no need. She is really toxic.

 

You don't know it yet but you will find someone who LIKES the things that you do and LIKES that you enjoy doing those things.

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Toodaloo -

 

I totally understand - but she claimed she LOVED doing those things. Even in our conversation two nights ago, she made a point of saying "none of my friend issues would've mattered if we didn't fight! I LOVED doing those things with you."

 

But she never acted like she did. She never dressed up for fancy events. She never made an effort to be by my side in a sweet, loving way. She's tried harder to look more attractive since we've broken up, which really hurts.

 

I just doubt I'll ever find someone who can handle me. And that's scary.

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