1 year + Update

[geronimo]

I haven't posted on here for a while and I wish I wasn't posting something like this especially now that it has been about 1 year and 2months since the breakup but been having a couple bad days and could use a boost. Before I start I will say that over time it does get better, the rollercoaster of emotions do die down and its not as much up and down everyday, but I do have some bad days here and there, and its been like that for the past couple days.

 

Quick backstory, ex and I dated for about 5 years, were eachothers first loves/RS, started dating really young (she was 15, i was 17) and we broke up back in Nov 2014. She used the excuse that her parents would never be ok with us being together/getting married to end the relationship but i soon found out that she left me for someone else. They started dealing pretty much right after we broke up and started officially dating a couple months after, from what I know they're still together and thats what sucks the most.

 

I know that I shouldn't care that she is in another relationship or what she is doing with her life and should move on cuz she left me for another person, but I was kinda hoping that it was a rebound relationship and she would come around (not that i would take her back, but it would still be nice).

 

Fact is I still love her a lot, she meant everything to me and it sickens me to know that we have been broken up and out of eachothers lives for so long. I went complete NC around July of last year and have stuck to it, other than the random stalking on social media that i can see (I deleted her off of everything but you can still see some things).

 

Anyways I'm just ranting now but I wish this never happened, I know NC is to heal and I do want to heal and get over her, but to me she is still the most perfect girl I have ever met and I have never been able to find the connection and the compatibility that her and I had right from the beginning, with anyone else. I just wish she would come back, I know it sounds weak but we did work really well together and aside from the parents thing we would never fight about anything else. I truly do feel like she was my soulmate and I lost her...

[louxor]

I was kinda hoping that it was a rebound relationship and she would come around (not that i would take her back

 

Are you so sure about that?^

 

I just wish she would come back

 

Do you think you would still be feeling this way if she wasn't with someone else right now?

[geronimo]

Are you so sure about that?^

 

Yea I'm not so sure tbh, I know it would be bad if I did get back together with her but if she was truly sorry for what she did and realized that she was wrong and did beg/make it up to me then I would take her back.

 

Do you think you would still be feeling this way if she wasn't with someone else right now?

 

I'm pretty sure I would still be feeling this way regardless of if she was with someone else or not. I love her, and it doesn't change the fact if she is with someone or not, it just makes it worse if she is with someone cuz I know that he is with her and doing things, etc and that thought makes me sick. But even if she wasn't in a relationship, I would still want her back

[Toodaloo]

Geronimo its time to get back on the horse.

 

You may have gone no contact but you haven't been filling up your life with the things you enjoy. You have not been exploring or learning. So time now to do that.

 

Up up and at 'em. Enroll in that course, take dance lessons or learn to play the drums, go ice skating, get yourself a motorbike... what ever it is that tickles your fancy go and give it a go!

[louxor]

Geronimo its time to get back on the horse.

 

You may have gone no contact but you haven't been filling up your life with the things you enjoy. You have not been exploring or learning. So time now to do that.

 

Up up and at 'em. Enroll in that course, take dance lessons or learn to play the drums, go ice skating, get yourself a motorbike... what ever it is that tickles your fancy go and give it a go!

 

This

 

I was going to ask, what have you been doing in the past year in order to fill that happiness void that your ex has left?

 

It still seems to me like you haven't properly worked through the idea of not being able to be happy without your ex, so therefore you are still feeling like you need her back in order to regain your lost happiness. I'd assume that's the main reason you want her back - because you subconsciously associate being with her with being happy.

 

I've struggled with this same thing too - Deep down I knew that I didn't want my ex back but for some reason I couldn't stop part of myself from feeling like I needed her. This was because at that time I felt like I needed her in order to return to that happy person I was.

 

Some of the best advice I got while attempting to overcome this was to focus on myself - To not ask questions like "How can I get her back?", "How can I forget about her", but instead ask myself "What makes me happy? What are the things that make me excited to get out of bed in the morning?" From there, I wrote a list, narrowed it down to the most important ones and pursued them from there. With time, I noticed that this happiness void left by my ex was slowly beginning to be replaced with these other things I was pursuing, and I began to come to the realisation that my life can and will still be fun without my ex.

 

I still struggle with it from time to time and have those days where I want her back for whatever reason, but each day that passes is another small step away from thinking I need her, and towards knowing that my happiness can be found purely from within.

[CDJ]

I feel I'm in the same boat as you, geronimo. Although it's only been 6 months since break-up and only 2 months since I last tried to contact her, everything is familiar to me: her still with the guy I found her with who supposedly "didn't mean anything"; disconnected on social media but still able to see the odd bit here and there (although the temptation to look is diminishing); wanting to be over her and wanting to even hate her, yet part of me would still take her back, etc.

 

Reading what Toodaloo was quite enlightening; it dawned on me that I haven't really been active in trying to fill that void, either. I'm not sure about deliberately "getting on the horse" is necessarily the right way - I've dated/slept with quite a few people since but it's made me feel worse! - but certainly being more active and social is the best way for us both!

 

It's hard, because often certain activities which make us happy can conjure memories of the ex (especially if we did those things together) but what people in our situation have to do is remind ourselves that there were things we enjoyed doing before we got into those relationships, and so we can enjoy them again.

[Drummergirl_23]

I'm sorry to say this because I know some of you might hate me but I have been in "her" shoes. I was with someone for 2 years and we just grew apart (granted it was due to long distance, I'm in the military and stationed overseas). I broke up with her and almost immediately started seeing someone else because at first it helped ease the pain and that person was just "there". I know that sounds so selfish and wrong and I'm not proud of it. But my ex was devastated. And it sort of started out as a rebound with my new person but I started having real feelings. Sometimes just because you're together with someone for years on end, it doesn't mean all those years are happy. One or both of you could have been checking out slowly for months or years. Now my new person has left me for her ex and I received my karma and it sucks. But you think I expect my ex to rush to take me back?? HECK NO! Just like you, SHE deserves better. You should never settle for being someone's #2 or "Plan B". Do things for yourself and don't go NC just because you're hoping that one day she'll magically hit you up. Use the time you go NC to put yourself first, meet new friends, find a new hobby or something that makes you happy WITHOUT her so that when/if she does ever message you out of the blue, you have the strength to tell her "carry on and good day!".

[geronimo]

Geronimo its time to get back on the horse.

 

You may have gone no contact but you haven't been filling up your life with the things you enjoy. You have not been exploring or learning. So time now to do that.

 

Up up and at 'em. Enroll in that course, take dance lessons or learn to play the drums, go ice skating, get yourself a motorbike... what ever it is that tickles your fancy go and give it a go!

 

Its so funny that you would say that cuz I have done exactly those things in the past few weeks. Enrolled in courses I need to finish off, planning on going to a dance class this weekend, relearning how to play the guitar and piano, and I plan on getting a bike this summer. Hopefully these things will help, but have been doing the piano and gym for a while but hasn't helped much.

[geronimo]

I was going to ask, what have you been doing in the past year in order to fill that happiness void that your ex has left?

 

To be honest, I haven't done much, like I replied to Toodaloo, I hit the gym and have been practicing piano again but thats about it. I was out for about 3 months last year due to a broken leg, but thats all healed up now.

 

... idea of not being able to be happy without your ex, so therefore you are still feeling like you need her back in order to regain your lost happiness. I'd assume that's the main reason you want her back - because you subconsciously associate being with her with being happy.

 

I woud have to agree with you 100% on this one, cuz I think I do associate her with "happiness"

 

But yea I agree with you, I am trying to make positive changes in my life so that I can be happy on my own without anyone else. Also like I said in the previous post I'm trying to do all those things because they intrigue me and I have already wasted a whole year doing nothing and getting no where and I can't afford to lose any more time.

 

Its just hard sometimes cuz we did work really well together and it wasn't just "us" that has bothered me recently, I was just talking to a friend of mine and it made me realize that I had a really good relationship with her family too, which is hard to find. Her sis was the same age as me and therefore we were friends even before I met my ex, and I became friends with her younger sister over time as well. On top of that her mom loved me and we used to have a great time whenever I went over to her house. And even though I had only met her dad in the last year of our relationship we still, from what I felt, had a good thing going. All of this makes it even harder.

[geronimo]

I feel I'm in the same boat as you, geronimo. Although it's only been 6 months since break-up and only 2 months since I last tried to contact her, everything is familiar to me: her still with the guy I found her with who supposedly "didn't mean anything"; disconnected on social media but still able to see the odd bit here and there (although the temptation to look is diminishing); wanting to be over her and wanting to even hate her, yet part of me would still take her back, etc.

 

Reading what Toodaloo was quite enlightening; it dawned on me that I haven't really been active in trying to fill that void, either. I'm not sure about deliberately "getting on the horse" is necessarily the right way - I've dated/slept with quite a few people since but it's made me feel worse! - but certainly being more active and social is the best way for us both!

 

It's hard, because often certain activities which make us happy can conjure memories of the ex (especially if we did those things together) but what people in our situation have to do is remind ourselves that there were things we enjoyed doing before we got into those relationships, and so we can enjoy them again.

 

Yea man this is something I struggle with also. I get tempted to look at her social media (even though I have her blocked on everything, some things aren't private and I can still see) and it makes it worse when I check up and see her put pics of her and her bf. Or if she takes their pics down (and I assume they aren't together anymore, but she doesn't contact me) and she puts other pics up of them again. Idk if she keeps breaking up and making up (kinda sure thats whats happening from the convos I had with her previously, looks like shes doing it for the drama since our RS was pretty drama free, cuz i hate that **** and don't play into it).

 

But the worst is the doing things that make me think of my ex, or if i experience something and she pops up in my mind because its a moment that I want to share with her, or tell her about. I thought I would be over those things by now, but for some reason it hasn't happened yet.

[geronimo]

I'm sorry to say this because I know some of you might hate me but I have been in "her" shoes. I was with someone for 2 years and we just grew apart (granted it was due to long distance, I'm in the military and stationed overseas). I broke up with her and almost immediately started seeing someone else because at first it helped ease the pain and that person was just "there". I know that sounds so selfish and wrong and I'm not proud of it. But my ex was devastated. And it sort of started out as a rebound with my new person but I started having real feelings. Sometimes just because you're together with someone for years on end, it doesn't mean all those years are happy. One or both of you could have been checking out slowly for months or years. Now my new person has left me for her ex and I received my karma and it sucks. But you think I expect my ex to rush to take me back?? HECK NO! Just like you, SHE deserves better. You should never settle for being someone's #2 or "Plan B". Do things for yourself and don't go NC just because you're hoping that one day she'll magically hit you up. Use the time you go NC to put yourself first, meet new friends, find a new hobby or something that makes you happy WITHOUT her so that when/if she does ever message you out of the blue, you have the strength to tell her "carry on and good day!".

 

Yea you maybe right about the checking out of the relationship near the end but I felt like I was doing most of that while she was still very much into the RS until one day and then BAM she dropped the bomb.

 

I'm sure she'll get her karma aswell, and I agree I dont ever want to be her plan B, thats why I did NC and rejected the idea of us being friends.

 

I'm now trying to put myself first and build up my self esteem and worth, and trying out new things which I haven't done so before. I really do wish that one day I can tell her to as you put it "carry on and good day" if she were to ever come back, but that day seems like its never going to come.