How to deal with my psycho ex

[rockstar_fly]

I've known this girl for quite some time now. We used to go to the same high school. We reconnected a decade later.

 

Things were steamy at first. Went by so fast. I felt so enamored with her: she was smart, sexy, vulnerable, athletic and successful. I wanted to marry her at first. Stuff happened so fast. A month later, she moved in with me. She admitted to having a tendency to be clingy and needy, asked me to let her know if she was acting like it. Now, I had just broken up with my old ex and I was scared of the power this girl had over me. I felt like I wanted to give the world to her.

 

She was passive-aggressive, and whenever there were problems she would talk to her best friends first before me. Particularly when she was worried she was just a rebound. We had lots of fights and disagreements; in the end, I moved back in with my old ex.

 

A day after we broke up, she told me she was pregnant and that she was keeping it, despite my protests that she wasn't ready and neither was I. I told her that if it were up to me, I'd have it aborted as it would be a financial burden to the two of us. She would have none of it.

 

Fast forward, 7 months later, after trying to work things out, I realize she's too weak and needy to be a mother. She told her friends that thought she was keeping the baby, I wouldn't be part of its life but that I would do my best to support her because I care about her. Because of this, all of her friends now think I'm an *******. She acts like a victim of all this, it just made me sick.

 

She calls me to the hospital one night, saying she needed an emergency delivery, I told her my boundaries: that I would stay for her, but not for any baby events. She was angry at this and made a scene at the hospital. I told her I didn't want a baby and because she left me out of the decision to keep it, it's her responsibility, not mine.

 

When I gently asked her not to tell anyone I was the father, she blew up and told me she couldn't do this alone. When I asked her why she kept the baby anyway, she said she thought that maybe if she kept the baby, we would work things out together. I don't know what she meant by that, but I think she was using the baby to move our relationship forward or lock me down. She denied this even though it was so obvious.

 

A month later she tells me the baby died. Of course I was sad and devastated, but she wouldn't talk to me about it. She tried to be friends with me after that, but drama ensued and things didn't work out. It wasn't until 5 months later that I found out that she had her brother and his fiance adopt the baby. She's more than capable of raising that baby alone with her job and her family. I don't understand why she had to lie about it too. This confirms she really did try to use the baby to lock me down; if she couldn't be in a relationship with me, then she wouldn't keep the baby.

 

Now, 10 months after the breakup, I'm already seeing and falling in love with someone else. My ex sends me this 10-paragraph letter apologizing for her part in our breakup, how she felt she didn't appreciate my efforts enough (I got her an apartment, got her a decent job, set her up with a bank account) and that she was sorry for making decisions on her own. She said she was sorry for not having my back throughout all the drama, and now all our friends think I'm an *******. She apologized for being immature, selfish, arrogant and insensitive to my feelings. She really was arrogant and I couldn't stand her acting like a weak victim when it was her decision to keep the baby in the first place. She said that if I give her another chance, she can do better.

 

How do I deal with this psycho? I feel like I'm being sucked in again. I don't want to block her on everything, I'm scared she might commit suicide. She had a past experience where she tried to hang herself.

Edited February 8, 2016 by rockstar_fly

[Satu]

You should spend some time on your own, sorting yourself out.

[VeveCakes]

What makes her a psycho? Because she didn't want an abortion? I get where you are coming from and I myself have made that decision before, but in reality YOU made the decision to have a baby when you had unprotected sex. Abortion is not birth control.

 

You have no right to tell her not to tell people you are the father. Of course it's your choice to not be involved in baby stuff but God, you are kind of a heartless man.

 

Let this be a lesson to you, don't have sex if you are not prepared for the consequences, sperm makes babies. Psycho ex gfs don't make them to trap you.

[rockstar_fly]

Well, 3 months into the pregnancy she had a change of heart and asked for help with an abortion. She said she had so many dreams and plans in life that she couldn't set aside yet. So I tried to help her. And in the process, we worked things out between us again.

 

Then she changed her mind, said that as soon as she heart the baby's heart beating, she couldn't do it. Then a month later she tells me she was thinking of having it adopted and that she had interviewed couples. She did all this, without talking to me.

 

It's just so derailing and full of drama.

[VeveCakes]

I doubt she felt you were a beacon of support through this. Being pregnant and alone is very scary. Not only are you dealing pregnancy but also life decisions that will forever change your path.

 

I would suggest DNA testing and also consider being in that child's life, it is your blood and you may regret your decision to not be involved someday.

[rockstar_fly]

I feel like she dropped the baby after realizing I would have none of it. Had her brother adopt it. Then when she sensed I was moving on, now tries to get me back.

[Toodaloo]

Time to stay silent and not respond to anything she sends...

 

Mutual friends can all go, Facebook, Twitter all of it. Delete, block.

 

You pity her. She needs therapy. Stay the hell away.

 

She has told you everything under the sun and been irresponsible from day one.

 

Time to move on.

[Stercrazy]

The baby has been adopted therefore your parental rights have been given up.

She didn't get pregnant by herself. Telling her it was her responsibility is not only wrong but also shows immaturity and lack of integrity on your part.

Maybe she attempted to trap you and maybe she didn't. Either way when sexually active you need to do your own do diligence. Use protection.

As far as the relationship... It seems to have run its course.

And not for nothing but she told you who she was. Psycho? Not sure....needs a diagnosis first. Emotionally clingy? More then likely.

NC.......and move on.

[266696687]

I've known this girl for quite some time now. We used to go to the same high school. We reconnected a decade later.

 

Things were steamy at first. Went by so fast. I felt so enamored with her: she was smart, sexy, vulnerable, athletic and successful. I wanted to marry her at first. Stuff happened so fast. A month later, she moved in with me. She admitted to having a tendency to be clingy and needy, asked me to let her know if she was acting like it. Now, I had just broken up with my old ex and I was scared of the power this girl had over me. I felt like I wanted to give the world to her.

 

She was passive-aggressive, and whenever there were problems she would talk to her best friends first before me. Particularly when she was worried she was just a rebound. We had lots of fights and disagreements; in the end, I moved back in with my old ex.

 

A day after we broke up, she told me she was pregnant and that she was keeping it, despite my protests that she wasn't ready and neither was I. I told her that if it were up to me, I'd have it aborted as it would be a financial burden to the two of us. She would have none of it.

 

Fast forward, 7 months later, after trying to work things out, I realize she's too weak and needy to be a mother. She told her friends that thought she was keeping the baby, I wouldn't be part of its life but that I would do my best to support her because I care about her. Because of this, all of her friends now think I'm an *******. She acts like a victim of all this, it just made me sick.

 

She calls me to the hospital one night, saying she needed an emergency delivery, I told her my boundaries: that I would stay for her, but not for any baby events. She was angry at this and made a scene at the hospital. I told her I didn't want a baby and because she left me out of the decision to keep it, it's her responsibility, not mine.

 

When I gently asked her not to tell anyone I was the father, she blew up and told me she couldn't do this alone. When I asked her why she kept the baby anyway, she said she thought that maybe if she kept the baby, we would work things out together. I don't know what she meant by that, but I think she was using the baby to move our relationship forward or lock me down. She denied this even though it was so obvious.

 

A month later she tells me the baby died. Of course I was sad and devastated, but she wouldn't talk to me about it. She tried to be friends with me after that, but drama ensued and things didn't work out. It wasn't until 5 months later that I found out that she had her brother and his fiance adopt the baby. She's more than capable of raising that baby alone with her job and her family. I don't understand why she had to lie about it too. This confirms she really did try to use the baby to lock me down; if she couldn't be in a relationship with me, then she wouldn't keep the baby.

 

Now, 10 months after the breakup, I'm already seeing and falling in love with someone else. My ex sends me this 10-paragraph letter apologizing for her part in our breakup, how she felt she didn't appreciate my efforts enough (I got her an apartment, got her a decent job, set her up with a bank account) and that she was sorry for making decisions on her own. She said she was sorry for not having my back throughout all the drama, and now all our friends think I'm an *******. She apologized for being immature, selfish, arrogant and insensitive to my feelings. She really was arrogant and I couldn't stand her acting like a weak victim when it was her decision to keep the baby in the first place. She said that if I give her another chance, she can do better.

 

How do I deal with this psycho? I feel like I'm being sucked in again. I don't want to block her on everything, I'm scared she might commit suicide. She had a past experience where she tried to hang herself.

 

Wow. I really don't like your attitude at all. You had sex (unprotected) and got someone pregnant but you absolve yourself of all responsibility for her or the baby because YOU wanted her to have an abortion. Sheesh! Talk about selfish and irresponsible. If you are old enough to have unprotected sex then you are old enough to manage the responsibilties that go with that including having children. You essentially abandoned your child without second thought because it wasn't what you wanted at the time. You don't deserve sympathy. I suggest you grow up and take responsibility for your actions and your part in this situation.

 

The girl was pregnant and alone realized that you wasn't going to help or support her so did the sensible thing of having another family member adopt the baby.

 

It doesn't sound to me like she is the psycho in this situation.

 

It's none of your business what she did in regards to having the baby adopted as you had already abandoned your child and your rights as a parent by telling her and making it clear you wanted nothing to do with the child. Therefore no longer your business.

 

It actually sounds like she's seriously depressed and needs help. Maybe post natal depression.

Edited February 8, 2016 by 266696687

[rockstar_fly]

Wow. I really don't like your attitude at all. You had sex (unprotected) and got someone pregnant but you absolve yourself of all responsibility for her or the baby because YOU wanted her to have an abortion. Sheesh! Talk about selfish and irresponsible. If you are old enough to have unprotected sex then you are old enough to manage the responsibilties that go with that including having children. You essentially abandoned your child without second thought because it wasn't what you wanted at the time. You don't deserve sympathy. I suggest you grow up and take responsibility for your actions and your part in this situation.

 

The girl was pregnant and alone realized that you wasn't going to help or support her so did the sensible thing of having another family member adopt the baby.

 

It doesn't sound to me like she is the psycho in this situation.

 

It's none of your business what she did in regards to having the baby adopted as you had already abandoned your child and your rights as a parent by telling her and making it clear you wanted nothing to do with the child. Therefore no longer your business.

 

It actually sounds like she's seriously depressed and needs help. Maybe post natal depression.

 

What I don't get is why she had to pretend the baby died. Even went so far as going on a leave at work telling our boss and co-workers that she was handling the baby's funeral. I also heard from friends that she had been fired, but was able to find another job. She's doing better, but she's lost a lot of weight and it on anxiety meds.

[266696687]

What I don't get is why she had to pretend the baby died. Even went so far as going on a leave at work telling our boss and co-workers that she was handling the baby's funeral.

 

It's none of their business or yours. She doesn't have to be honest about having her child adopted to you or her co workers. Telling them the baby died invites no further questions. I'd say she was highly distressed abandoned and on her own and didn't want to invite further questions.

 

You abandoned the child - left her on her own to make a difficult decision. You wanted no part of it. what she chose to do after that is no longer your concern. she lied - but so what? She doesn't owe you honesty after YOU abandoned them so tough luck!

[rockstar_fly]

It's none of their business or yours. She doesn't have to be honest about having her child adopted to you or her co workers. Telling them the baby died invites no further questions. I'd say she was highly distressed abandoned and on her own and didn't want to invite further questions.

 

You abandoned the child - left her on her own to make a difficult decision. You wanted no part of it. what she chose to do after that is no longer your concern. she lied - but so what? She doesn't owe you honesty after YOU abandoned them so tough luck!

 

Do I respond to her email though? From the gist of it, she's apologizing for a lot of things and quote, "taking responsibility for her part in the breakup". I don't know if I should give her a chance given that she's lied about things.

[266696687]

Do I respond to her email though? From the gist of it, she's apologizing for a lot of things and quote, "taking responsibility for her part in the breakup". I don't know if I should give her a chance given that she's lied about things.

 

Based on her mental state no you shouldn't reply to her email at all. Leave the girl alone to heal and continue with her anxiety medication.

 

Why on earth would she try to beg back the man who abandoned her and her baby? Hmm. She's clearly not in her right state of mind. Leave her alone.

[dreamingoftigers]

What I don't get is why she had to pretend the baby died. Even went so far as going on a leave at work telling our boss and co-workers that she was handling the baby's funeral. I also heard from friends that she had been fired, but was able to find another job. She's doing better, but she's lost a lot of weight and it on anxiety meds.

 

It's pretty clear she didn't want to look like the SECOND parent that abandoned the child.

 

At least she actually looked out for its well-being and adopted it to a family.

 

You'll be nothing but a name and an excuse to the child.

 

Even if it was all about "trying to tie down your special self" you obviously could have taken responsibility for the gathering of the child. Considering you are the child's "father." Quotes only because clearly, you are just a sperm donor.

 

How to deal with this?

 

Grow up and realize there are more people on the planet than just Super-Special You and your Super-Special Plans.

 

You made a life. It didn't ask to be brought here and it was your responsibility to look out for it.

 

"Oh she had a fit at the hospital." "She told our friends about me being the father, it makes me look bad."

 

It makes you "look" exactly as you ARE.

 

Break out the violins......

[rockstar_fly]

Based on her mental state no you shouldn't reply to her email at all. Leave the girl alone to heal and continue with her anxiety medication.

 

Why on earth would she try to beg back the man who abandoned her and her baby? Hmm. She's clearly not in her right state of mind. Leave her alone.

 

Good idea. She left me a message on New Year's Eve, wishing me a great year. I just ignored it and hasn't responded yet. In the meantime, I'm enjoying my time with my new girlfriend.

[dreamingoftigers]

Do I respond to her email though? From the gist of it, she's apologizing for a lot of things and quote, "taking responsibility for her part in the breakup". I don't know if I should give her a chance given that she's lied about things.

 

Give HER A CHANCE?

 

You should be apologizing to her but more importantly to your child, maybe not right away but drafting something of a letter that the child can read when they are older.

 

Something along the lines of " sorry I just couldn't "Dad" at all. It was entirely MY FAULT that I wasn't there because I sucked as a person. I didn't show up to your birth, any doctors appointments or anything having to do with you. But that's because I sucked, you are probably a totally awesome kid that didn't deserve that at all."

[dreamingoftigers]

Good idea. She left me a message on New Year's Eve, wishing me a great year. I just ignored it and hasn't responded yet. In the meantime, I'm enjoying my time with my new girlfriend.

 

Maybe wrap it up this time.

 

Only so many adoptive families to go around.

[266696687]

Good idea. She left me a message on New Year's Eve, wishing me a great year. I just ignored it and hasn't responded yet. In the meantime, I'm enjoying my time with my new girlfriend.

 

Yep and karma is a b*tch! You'll get your comeuppance at some point.

 

Your attitude is disgraceful and she is far better off without you.

[VeveCakes]

Yeah - use a condom this time.

[RySant]

Good idea. She left me a message on New Year's Eve, wishing me a great year. I just ignored it and hasn't responded yet. In the meantime, I'm enjoying my time with my new girlfriend.

 

Sorry, but you really sound like a scumbag to me

 

If you don't want to do anything with your ex, just block her and stay out of her and her child's life. Stop communicating and just live your own life and basically just disappear.

 

Anyway, I wish your kid to have a very good father

 

And no, I am not talking about you.

 

Enjoy your new girlfriend, and the next!

[Toodaloo]

Do I respond to her email though? From the gist of it, she's apologizing for a lot of things and quote, "taking responsibility for her part in the breakup". I don't know if I should give her a chance given that she's lied about things.

 

No you do not reply.

 

You leave her alone and you do not get in touch with her.

 

Like the others have said wrap it up and keep it under your own control this time.

[Satu]

What I don't get is why she had to pretend the baby died. Even went so far as going on a leave at work telling our boss and co-workers that she was handling the baby's funeral. I also heard from friends that she had been fired, but was able to find another job. She's doing better, but she's lost a lot of weight and it on anxiety meds.

 

Rather than being a 'psycho' as you put it, she's a person who has been through a difficult experience, who is not functioning very well mentally.

 

That doesn't make her a psycho.

 

It makes her a person who needs help, thats all.

[mightycpa]

She does sound kind of wacko, but you're no prince either. How she responds to you cutting off her avenues of communication with you is not your responsibility, as dire as it may get. Do it.

 

You know, the other thing that strikes me is that in most countries, a baby cannot be adopted unless both parents give up their paternal rights. Because these adoptive parents no doubt know about you, it is next to inconceivable that they would allow this possibility for you to one day exert your rights and take away a baby. Many possibilities come to mind:

 

 

• The whole family is "dumb as a rock" stupid
  
• She lied to them
  
• She lied to you
  
• She lied on adoption papers
  
• It wasn't yours to begin with
  

And that whole thing about telling everybody that the baby died? That's just weird and creepy. I would think that it would raise more questions than it answers. There's definitely more to this than meets the eye.

[266696687]

She does sound kind of wacko, but you're no prince either. How she responds to you cutting off her avenues of communication with you is not your responsibility, as dire as it may get. Do it.

 

You know, the other thing that strikes me is that in most countries, a baby cannot be adopted unless both parents give up their paternal rights. Because these adoptive parents no doubt know about you, it is next to inconceivable that they would allow this possibility for you to one day exert your rights and take away a baby. Many possibilities come to mind:

 

 

• The whole family is "dumb as a rock" stupid
  
• She lied to them
  
• She lied to you
  
• She lied on adoption papers
  
• It wasn't yours to begin with
  

And that whole thing about telling everybody that the baby died? That's just weird and creepy. I would think that it would raise more questions than it answers. There's definitely more to this than meets the eye.

 

I suspect this person is a troll. However just in case he isn't.

 

It doesn't have to be a legal adoption the baby was kept within her family (he may just be using the word adoption). She could have passed the baby over to her brother without any paperwork at all or made them legal guardians. No need for legal adoption routes or signing over of parental rights.

[dreamingoftigers]

I suspect this person is a troll. However just in case he isn't.

 

It doesn't have to be a legal adoption the baby was kept within her family (he may just be using the word adoption). She could have passed the baby over to her brother without any paperwork at all or made them legal guardians. No need for legal adoption routes or signing over of parental rights.

 

Same thing with my husband.

 

His father was just a name too. Gladly, some years ago he legally changed it to his stepfather's (guardian's husband) name. Because that man was an actual man. So now we carry his stepfather's last name.

 

But there wasn't a legal adoption because his mother couldn't care for him, and then died. His biological "father" was completely useless (and still is) and pretty much pulled the same "didn't want a baby even though I was 23 having unprotected sex with a 16 year old unstable woman" crap. Hos attitude of "not really my son" contunued even after meeting the idiot when my husband was in his thirties. Even wanted to actively block my husband from meeting his other biological family like his grandmother etc. I'm guessing the ages are a little older here. Hopefully.