Bishop556 Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Hello everyone, A few days ago I broke up with my girlfriend who was one of my best friends. Before I am labeled as a sociopath on here as many dumpers are, please hear me out. I really need advice on how to proceed without being labeled somewhere between Hitler and Stalin. For anonymity, lets call my girlfriend Susan. Susan is about 8 years older than me and I met Susan when she got out of a divorce. I comforted her and she started to develop feelings for me, but I was going through my own break up and I was not interested in a relationship. I expressed this to Susan, but I didn't outright tell her. I didn't want to hurt Susan and I didn't want to lose her as I had very few friends at that point. Eventually I became very good friends with Susan, but she always pressured me to be in a relationship with her. I eventually caved in and started dating her to see if it could work, if I could develop feelings for her over time. Then, her mother died. I tried to comfort Susan as much as I could, but it was very difficult. However, i stuck by her because I cared about her. However, I feel like I don't romantically love her. I love her as my best friend as she is a wonderful human being, but I was unable to formulate the same feelings she had for me. I believe this to be true also because the relationship became stressful and somewhat stale. I recently broke up with Susan because of these reasons as I felt I couldn't lie to her anymore about my feelings for her. I know this is for the best, but I feel depressed as I am losing my best friend. Susan is intelligent, caring, funny, all the qualities you could look for in a partner except that I have felt more of a caretaker than a romantic partner. I have felt pressured to date her and it did not grow naturally over time. Now, I feel heartbroken. I didn't want this to happen, but I feel there was no other option available. I wish I had the strength to tell Susan my feelings before it got to this stage as I could have still maintained the friendship. I'm wondering if I should give Susan another chance. I want Susan in my life, she is my best friend, but I don't know if I can reciprocate the love she feels for me. Thank you for reading this. I don't have many people to talk too and I'm looking for advice and comfort. I'm devastated. I want to go to my ex and tell her it will be okay and that we should get back together, but I'm not sure if I can give her the same feelings of love that she wants from me. I look at Susan's Facebook and I see her posts that are expressing her pain and it hurts me deeply. I don't know how to express this, but I care immensely for Susan. I just don't know if I can reciprocate the same feelings of love for her. Link to post Share on other sites
DarkHorizon Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 I am sorry for your situation. I actually think you did the right thing by breaking up with her, because you don't share the same type of love she has for you. But please note that bringing her back, even as a friend, is a selfish act. Yes, you would have your friend back, but she wouldn't have the man she loves back, and that would be even more painful for her. She already got hurt once with the breakup; if you really respect her and have honest caring feelings for her, you must understand that bringing her back into your life would crush her even more. She can't and shouldn't be just friends with the person she loves. That is not what she wants or needs from you. Please don't do it. In time, she will be okay. And you will be okay as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bishop556 Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 (edited) I am sorry for your situation. I actually think you did the right thing by breaking up with her, because you don't share the same type of love she has for you. But please note that bringing her back, even as a friend, is a selfish act. Yes, you would have your friend back, but she wouldn't have the man she loves back, and that would be even more painful for her. She already got hurt once with the breakup; if you really respect her and have honest caring feelings for her, you must understand that bringing her back into your life would crush her even more. She can't and shouldn't be just friends with the person she loves. That is not what she wants or needs from you. Please don't do it. In time, she will be okay. And you will be okay as well. I know that. I just wish I could make this less painful for her. She doesn't have many friends and she won't reach out to them. I really respect her, i really do. I care deeply about her, I just don't know if I have romantic feelings for her.I really wish I could, I really do. She is such a sweetheart and it really pains me to do this to her. I have supported her through her mother's death and her divorce, but I can't support her through this as I am the one who is causing the pain. What I'm planning on doing is to self-reflect, not date anyone for a while, and not send her breadcrumbs. I want to make this process as painless as possible for her. Edited February 8, 2016 by Bishop556 Link to post Share on other sites
DarkHorizon Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 I can't support her through this as I am the one who is causing the pain. What I'm planning on doing is to self-reflect, not date anyone for a while, and not send her breadcrumbs. I want to make this process as painless as possible. There you go. Think of yourself as toxic to her. You are her drug. You can't help her. Right now, see yourself as the ONLY person in this world who can't do anything for her -- It's like you don't live in the same dimension anymore. I've been dumped. I have an idea of how she is feeling. I love my ex girlfriend but I am not expecting her to "save me". I am not her business anymore. She can't break my heart and pick up the pieces as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bishop556 Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 I feel like such an awful person. I regret not being stronger and telling her sooner when she was initially interested in me. I just didn't want to lose my friend.I wish there was something I could do. I feel so useless. Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Another thing, stop stalking her facebook. Continuing checking what she is posting on social media, will not help you to move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DarkHorizon Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 I feel like such an awful person. I regret not being stronger and telling her sooner when she was initially interested in me. I just didn't want to lose my friend.I wish there was something I could do. I feel so useless. And no, you are not Stalin or Hitler. We all make mistakes; we are humans. Unfortunately, from time to time we hurt other people's feelings, and all that is left is to apologize and accept that some past mistakes can't be fixed. Life goes on, and now that you learned this lesson, you won't let it happen again. She will be okay. And if you really feel you should pay for it, your guilt is your karma. Later, you will be able to forgive yourself, so you can heal as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bishop556 Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 Thank you for all the help. It broke my heart when Susan mentioned that I broke her heart and that I didn't care about her. That really hurt me to my core because I have always cared about her. Even now, I still care about her. Even when I broke up with her, I tried to be as kind as possible. I know she said she what she said in a period of pain, but it hurt that she couldn't recognize all that I have done which indicated I cared about her. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 speaking from experience it is better to hurt and have your heart broken than to live a pretend life...you did the right thing..... you let her go so she could find someone who really loves her......you gave her a gift with a sting......the sting will go away....so what will be left is your gift to her...let her be dont stalk her face book...dont contact her....you heal yourself...because the break up you had to do ...has hurt you too.....in time you may talk again or you may not...just know you did the right thing however painful it is......for both of you...i wish you peace..deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bishop556 Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 (edited) Thank you for hearing out my story. I'll try to manage for right now. Hopefully, Susan and I can have some sort of relationship in future, but I want it to be something she wants. I made the decision to end this relationship. If Susan is happier without me or it is too difficult for her to have me in her life, I'm willing to make that sacrifice. She deserves the best in life and I wish I could give that to her, but I don't think I can. Edited February 8, 2016 by Bishop556 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kztar Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 (edited) [] Love is a CHOICE. You choose to love people and commit. Love is not all about the butterflies at the beginning of the relationship. Everything we do in this life is a choice. I hope she finds a better man for herself because you my friend, deserve nothing from her. Edited February 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 (edited) []Love is a CHOICE. You choose to love people and commit. Love is not all about the butterflies at the beginning of the relationship. Everything we do in this life is a choice. I hope she finds a better man for herself because you my friend, deserve nothing from her. Using that bumper sticker logic, it follows that she chooses to feel bad when she could simply brush it off. You're right about one thing though. It was his choice to make. But if he wasn't feeling it with her after giving it the old college try, then he has nothing to apologize for. Relationships aren't prison sentences. You get to shop around. Edited February 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 (edited) []Love is a CHOICE. You choose to love people and commit. Love is not all about the butterflies at the beginning of the relationship. Everything we do in this life is a choice. I hope she finds a better man for herself because you my friend, deserve nothing from her. Oh, come on now. Yes he made a choice. But it is not better to continue with a person you never had those feelings for to begin with. You can't pretend to be in love when you're just not, and it is deceptive to lead the other person to believe you are invested when you're not. Edited February 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I am seeing an alarming amount of self-centeredness from the OP here. Every post has sth to the effect of "this makes me feel horrible,"etc. Here's an actual quote - "I look at Susan's Facebook and I see her posts that are expressing her pain and it hurts me deeply." So Susan feels pain and OP's reaction is to focus on how that makes him feel hurt .... In the end it seems like your real concern here is the personal turmoil this is causing you. Not trying to beat you up OP but it could be your relationship w/her wasn't actually doing her any favors, if the direction the concern usually seems to point in is any indication. She may have relied on you in sort of a dysfunctional way if she's vulnerable by nature. In which case ending it was ultimately the best thing for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Been Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 That's the thing-his biggest concern is himself. I'd bet that when they hooked up it was casual at first and then she basically wanted more so he went along with it so the hook ups wouldn't stop. Read his story-he tries to sound like the victim-she FORCED him to commit And as a result SHE caused this. Link to post Share on other sites
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