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Do you think she will return after realising her loss? [update! 2016-06-16]


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It's a long read but I just wanted to know what people thought about my decision and if I've done the right thing. Or if anyone else has been in a similar position.

 

My girlfriend and I had been going out for 9 months. We were best friends; inseperable; attracted, and so comfortable with eachother. She recently broke up with me giving me reasons such as 'I don't want to be tied down' and 'I love you, but it's just not the same' and 'I just get this feeling'.

 

These aren't exact details but it happened for the first time a few weeks before christmas. She said she HAD to break up with me because she couldn't help feeling like this, and that she's tried to both work on and ignore the feeling for too long. I got angry, confused and hurt because she had seen a boy that she claimed she was 'a little bit' attracted to when I asked if there was someone else. Truly though, I know now that the boy hasn't got much to do with it but he was merely what I think was a breath of fresh air for her. She described him as a reminder of the 'feeling'. He lives hundreds of miles away, however, but he occasionaly travels up to attend events where I live which my ex was also interested in.

 

After we broke up the first time I was a little bit angry, and I said I didn't want to see her but she wanted to see me so we could 'talk'. A week of me pulling slightly away from her upset her. It was a long week but I insisted that I wasn't going to meet her unless we gave it another chance. It's not as if she didn't want to either. She explained that she wanted to be with me in every way, sexually and as a friend but that she couldn't help this 'feeling'. She was scared to hurt me, and scared to lose me for good. She wished she could rewind and not feel this way. And she said that if the feeling wasn't there she would stay with me.

 

We saw eachother and I tried to make it as special as I could. We spent the day at an event which she loves, and from then on another month went by of us being a great couple again, as if nothing changed when bang... Again, I could tell that she wasn't feeling great around me and we broke up. She didn't want to lose me at all, she said that we HAD to be friends but this time I said I simply couldn't talk to her because I needed to move on. It hurt her but a couple of days after this we ended up having our first argument on the phone, which was pretty much based on me misunderstanding, and feeling insecure about her seeing this boy again. (The boy had asked her on two occasions to kiss her, he has feelings for her, but she refused. She's never cheated on me).

 

A couple of weeks pass of me not contacting her. She messages asking how I'm feeling. Then again a few days after explaining that she's finding it hard as well and that she misses me and is sad that I haven't contacted her. I packed it in 4 or 5 days later and said to call me next week because I was busy.

 

She did. And she said she wanted to meet up to exchange possesions. I made the phonecall really blunt and it lasted under a minute. She was hurt by this and messaged the next day saying she was upset that I had been talking to her old friends and saying things that she thought we're private to US. They weren't really, I just thought she was having a go at me because she was angry I was blunt on the phone. I said back that I've kept our relationship close to my heart and asked her to offer me some humanity to let me talk to someone about my feelings. I said this is never what I wanted and asked her to stop making me feel guilty about about something. She messaged again, saying she wasnt trying to make me feel bad etc. But I messaged back asking her why she was messaging me and defended an accusation she made about me talking behind her back: 'Why are you messaging me though, you left me didn't you?'

 

I called her the next day and she actually came round to my house. She got her shirt and I was playing guitar trying to be as friendly as possible. It was clear that she was finding it emotional being in my house. She was unhappy because she ruined all the process she made over the month of us not being together. She cried because stuff had been happening in her family and she couldn't talk to me about it. We hugged. Hugged again minutes after and I asked her if she could feel it. (Love that is). She broke down into tears and said she couldn't do this again, put me through this etc. She said that I was everything she's ever wanted and if I was to date other girls she didn't want to know anything about it. We ended up kissing but I set her free. I said goodbye to her and hugged her happily at my doorstep and wished her the best.

 

Truly though, I am heartbroken. I know she loves me. I know she misses me. And I am sad because I think she has thrown away something beautiful. She is my first true love and I've never felt this way about anyone. The reason I set her free is because I truly think it should be HER decision and her desire to be with me again if she realizes. I'm setting her free because I love her and don't want her to live with this 'feeling' if she was to stay with me.

While she lives her life free of commitment I am going to move on, date others and improve myself. I don't doubt that I will get over her but my question remains: Do you think that she might realize in the future what she's thrown away and come back?

 

THANKS FOR READING! :) If you need more details for judgement let me know!

Edited by Sohra
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I am going to move on, date others and improve myself. I don't doubt that I will get over her but my question remains: Do you think that she might realize in the future what she's thrown away and come back?

 

You did the right thing setting her free. You are doing the right thing planning to move on. Once you do it, your question will not remain.

 

From the moment you start moving on, that question is irrelevant. IF she decides to come back, months or years from now, you will probably be in a different mental and emotional place and not be interested in her anymore.

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Thank you for your words! If I expelled the question then what would your thoughts be on her reasons for breaking up with me. She knows herself that she may regret it in the future but she didn't want me to wait for her. I've read up on GIGS and no-contact and while a lot of good points are made I don't believe that any relationships should be catogorized. Sometimes I believe there's a good chance she'll return. What are your opinions?

 

While we were a couple she drifted greatly from her friends, who are my friends also but I've persuaded them to try and make the effort to reconcile with my ex and they will be starting last week. :bunny:

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She will never realize the extent of her great loss. In fact, she will delude herself into believing that she will be happy with someone else. That day is coming soon. You need to think about bestowing your great gifts on some other lucky girl.

 

Listen, I know that this is pretty fresh and raw for you, but you have to start telling yourself the truth about this whole situation. For example, you are not setting her free. She set herself free. There is nothing you can do about that. What you have decided to do is to go along with that peacefully. That's a good decision. But don't think for a minute that you can somehow make her feel the way she doesn't feel. Hell, you can't even change how YOU feel! How will you ever change how she feels?

 

The way you think about and react to this will set the tone of your life for the near future. You need to sit down and think very carefully about what it all means, and what she is and what she isn't. Think about how things may unfold for you over the next few months if you obsess over her, or if you obsess about feeling better for yourself. This is a critical time for you. Be your own best friend, or find someone who'll speak to you like a best friend should.

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Thank you for your words, however I don't believe that she will delude herself into being happier with someone else. She said herself that there's no way she would be able to jump into another relationship. She also said that she wanted to be alone so that she could work on herself. I said to her that I hope once she figures out what she wanted that I would be number one on her list.

 

She has said if things could go back to the way things were she would if it were that easy.

 

I still believe there's a chance she'll return.

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A lot of people believe the exact same thing. That's why they get all discombobulated when what I said happens. It happens so often, it's like following a recipe.

 

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. To do that, you have to stop hoping for "the best".

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What people say and do are not always the same. My one ex usually deals with a breakup (whether she's the dumper or dumpee) by finding a rebound to "hang out" with. She doesn't necessarily go looking for a new steady boyfriend, yet it seems to happen sooner than later.

 

After we broke up, she made it sound like she would probably be single for a while because, according to her, where was a single mother going to find someone that quickly? Well, guess what? She did and it only took her a few weeks. They're still together, I believe.

 

Point is, someone might plan on something happening a certain way, but when a non-theoretical opportunity presents itself, best laid plans and anticipations get tossed out the window.

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Thank you for your words, however I don't believe that she will delude herself into being happier with someone else. She said herself that there's no way she would be able to jump into another relationship. She also said that she wanted to be alone so that she could work on herself. I said to her that I hope once she figures out what she wanted that I would be number one on her list.

 

She has said if things could go back to the way things were she would if it were that easy.

 

I still believe there's a chance she'll return.

 

Famous last words. The hallways of loveshack university are littered with the carcasses of dumpees who heard the exact same words or similar sentiments from the dumper. They held on to hope that he/she would return. Some were gluttons for punishment and devoured every breadcrumb they received in the hopes that that was the day the dumper has finally come to the senses and returned to them. Unfortunately, it was always short-lived. The likely scenario is she will meet someone else and give you the "it just happened, I didn't plan it" speech. Brace yourself. It's hard to let go of hope but make a conscious effort to move on with your life day by day.

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Reasons in which I doubt that she will find someone else quickly are that she doesn't know that many people and she lives with her mum who is very strict and emotionally controlling. I probably know what to do already but are there things that I can do that might bring her back? I'd like to point out we're both 18 and she is a little bit young for her age.

 

Thank you for your words.

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Feeling devastated this morning, still hanging onto a bit of hope overthinking things she said the last time we met which was now 6 days ago. Not contacted since but she has been sharing casual interesting links on her profile (nothing serious, just pictures with inspiring quotes), which makes me feel rubbish, making me think that she's moving on.

 

I am making plans to get away soon though, gonna get away for the weekend to an Island off the coast of my country for a cycle with a couple of female friends (who were also her ex best friends, the ones I am trying to persuade to reach out to her). Was planning a solo city break to Amsterdam within the next couple of weeks. (Her and I were talking about going there a week before we broke up and she said how "romantic" that would be). Should I post pictures of my trips on social media? What do you think the effect of that would be?

 

Things that were said nearly a week ago:

 

I asked her if maybe we'd be together in the future and she said 'I don't know, all I know is that I can't do this just now'.

 

Me saying I hope I'd be the one when she figured this out for herself - her not saying anything to that. Maybe she herself didn't want to give me false hope. I did tell her that I might not even be here when she did though but she said before that she'd take the risk if she wanted to get back with me.

 

My peers keep saying that she probably doesn't know what she wants at the moment. Maybe they're right? She didn't want to hear about me dating new girls?

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Agh she is a drama queen and has been reading far too many Mills and Boon books... If you are not British they are trashy over emotional works of fiction normally written by women called Norma.

 

Quit the drama do the slow fade/ no contact and walk away.

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still hanging onto a bit of hope overthinking things she said

 

I gonna get away with a couple of female friends (who were also her ex best friends, the ones I am trying to persuade to reach out to her)

 

Should I post pictures of my trips on social media? What do you think the effect of that would be?

 

I asked her if maybe we'd be together in the future and she said 'I don't know, all I know is that I can't do this just now'.

 

Me saying I hope I'd be the one when she figured this out for herself - her not saying anything to that.

 

I did tell her that I might not even be here when she did though but she said before that she'd take the risk if she wanted to get back with me.

 

I can't see a single reason for hope in anything here. This is over. It is time to leave it behind and look forward. Don't look back. Right now you are holding on to nothing. You need to respect her position and stop thinking about strategies to change her mind.

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Still holding on. She is meeting a friend of mine on Friday for a chat apparently!

 

I went on a date on Valentines day with someone, I wasn't particularly interested but it changed my 'love interest' perspective briefly. My friend is going to tell her that I went on a date. I remember she didn't want to hear anything about me going on dates.

 

Posting things on instagram proving that I'm out there and not sulking in my room which I bet she'd love.

 

She also posts stuff on facebook every day. Just sharing links etc but on Valentines day she posted a picture with the quote saying: Love is not a relationship between two people, it is a feeling of peace within you. She's just making me resent her more and more.

 

Mornings are the hardest. Waking up thinking everything is alright then boom I can't stop thinking about it. The plus side is I have become an early riser and more of a morning person so woop!

Edited by Sohra
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I know you don't want to hear this, but I would not be shocked if she's already talking to someone else, perhaps this guy who lives far away. Actually, it's likely him. I say that because there's no reason his name would've entered the discussion at all if she wasn't thinking about him. She feels bad for hurting you but her desire to explore other options is stronger. Blunt, but true. If it weren't, you'd still be together.

 

Of course she doesn't like hearing that you're dating other girls. But notice it wasn't enough to make her come back. That speaks volumes.

 

Let go completely. Stop talking to each others' friends about this. Delete each other from social media. Don't post pictures in an attempt to get her attention; that's only feeding this unhealthy situation. You need to start closing that chapter if you ever want to move on, friend.

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Making me think thoughts like this makes me want to ****ing harm myself.

At least give me some hope, I woke up this morning feeling great and hearing this just crushed my day again. Maybe I shouldn't listen to you and perhaps I should stop seeking advice over this website.

Thanks anyway.

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She's only 18.

Of course she doesn't want to be tied down. Her logical mind knows that, but her emotional brain was attached to you, hence the toing and froing.

 

She will move on, you will move on... it is the natural way of things.

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Thank you elaine. Me and anyone else in my position would rather hear something like this rather than someone feeding me horrible thoughts.

 

Please don't make me expect the worst when the worst hasn't even happened yet. I'm trying to live in the present not thinking about what I have to prepare myself for in the future. If it happens - it happens. Don't give me something to worry about.

 

Sorry for the vent but It's just a bit of advice for you on your side what someone like me wants to hear.

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Thank you elaine. Me and anyone else in my position would rather hear something like this rather than someone feeding me horrible thoughts.

 

Please don't make me expect the worst when the worst hasn't even happened yet. I'm trying to live in the present not thinking about what I have to prepare myself for in the future. If it happens - it happens. Don't give me something to worry about.

 

Sorry for the vent but It's just a bit of advice for you on your side what someone like me wants to hear.

 

A little tough love OP:

 

You are the only one responsible for your emotions. You asked a question: do you think she will realize her loss? And we answered, to the best of our ability. Many of us speak from experience, having been in your shoes a few times. Some of us, myself included, have been in far worse positions too. You can't expect to hear "what you want to hear" from strangers on the internet. This is the nature of online forums. You will like some responses because they feed the hope you're hanging on to; you won't like others because they contradict what you're hoping to hear. We are not going to give you false hope. Only you can decide which advice you want to take.

 

If you feel like harming yourself, that is a strong indication you need to seek professional support. That should not be the default response to emotional pain. Do you have a history of self-harm? You need to practice healthier ways to process painful emotions.

 

You're only 18 - you've barely dipped your toes in the pool of adult life. Do not give this girl that much power to dictate your happiness. I promise in 5 years, she'll be a speck on your radar. You will meet so many other, better, healthier women in your life. Of course this hurts and you will need time to detach and let go of her. But it's not worth falling to pieces over. Hopefully you have some friends or close family members you can talk to for support and venting - do you?

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I'm going through something similar however I was dumped by text twice! no contact worked for me and we got back together after a few weeks, however I feel it was too soon and the issues that coursed the break up in the first place were never solved or addressed properly. We broke up for a second time about 5 months later I'm still hoping if I give it more time she will realize what we had a miss me but I have to move on with the thought I may never hear from her again. Then if it happens it will be a nice surprise I think you're doing right by working on yourself and if she really does love you she will come back again just learn from my mistake and grab that 2nd chance and run with it because even though they happen 3rd chances are hard to get especially so soon. []

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It's very easy for people to say "move on", "forget about her", "you will find someone else better....." You can tell your mind that all you want but only you know what's in your heart. Only you know when you are done. If you believe there's a second chance and it's not over, then do not give up.However time is in your hands..right now, you need no contact, commit to 3 months then more from there if you can. You have to leave her alone so she can figure it out. I'm on the same boat. I know it's over when my heart says so. I have gotten back exes before using NC..sure it didn't last forever( can anyone really guarantee forever?no) but when it finally ended for good, I was really ok with it because I worked hard ( NC and taking care of myself) for that 2nd,3rd chance. I told myself, most things in life deserves a second chance so I will give it my best and if it doesn't work out, then I'm ok with it. that's where I am at.

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Famous last words. The hallways of loveshack university are littered with the carcasses of dumpees who heard the exact same words or similar sentiments from the dumper. They held on to hope that he/she would return. Some were gluttons for punishment and devoured every breadcrumb they received in the hopes that that was the day the dumper has finally come to the senses and returned to them. Unfortunately, it was always short-lived. The likely scenario is she will meet someone else and give you the "it just happened, I didn't plan it" speech. Brace yourself. It's hard to let go of hope but make a conscious effort to move on with your life day by day.

 

Mine did the same. She said she wasn't looking but I knew she was on a dating website the next day. Lies.

 

To the op, you did well. I had to do something similar and time has proven that I made the right decision. You did too. Go on my friend, live your life, it will be okay. :)

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most things in life deserves a second chance

Cannot say I have been given second chances a lot, in fact I can't remember any. Hope seems nice, but in this area of life it actually isn't. It is like winning the lottery, not many people do and quite a few who win do not hold on to it for long.

 

Be kind to yourself, grieve and try to move on.

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Cannot say I have been given second chances a lot, in fact I can't remember any. Hope seems nice, but in this area of life it actually isn't. It is like winning the lottery, not many people do and quite a few who win do not hold on to it for long.

 

Be kind to yourself, grieve and try to move on.

 

I agree with this.

 

Unless the other person has clearly expressed a desire to be given a second chance, it's not healthy to stay in that mindset. The girl in this post is not mature and is playing with OP's emotions. That type of behaviour should not be rewarded with a second chance, as it reinforces unhealthy boundaries and behaviour.

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You can tell your mind that all you want but only you know what's in your heart.
The heart is honest, but it lies to you too. People who follow their hearts when their mind says no are dreamers. Dreamers usually don't end up living the dream.
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Loved these great words of advice from the last few folk! Thanks so much you helped me rest through another couple of stressful weeks. However, I've really felt myself move on a lot and I have been building a portfolio for college while working on an exhibition and spending a lot of time with a lot of other (female) friends! Mostly because the majority of my friends are female hahah. I even fancy a girl that is a mutual friend of mine who I was introduced to the other night! I really believe now that it's easier to move on with time, ESPECIALLY with no contact.

 

Yesterday I got the text from my ex saying: Do you think we could hang out some point soon?

 

Then another 6 hours later: I'd really like to see you.

 

I haven't replied to either text because I literally don't feel like it, I'm doing great without the stress but if I knew she deep down wanted to get back with her I'd probably give it a chance. This is what I don't know, I feel that she is maybe trying to keep me at arms length because she has noticed a lot of activity on Facebook (some really cool art stuff I've been doing with some female friend of mine). To be honest I don't really want to hang out with her because I still have feelings for her and I don't want to go back to square one.

 

What's your advice? And should I reply at all? Or should I ignore it and hope in some time if I keep doing what I'm doing she'll do the full 180 and get back with me? What emotions do you think will come with either action on her half?

 

Thanks again. And some inspiration would be great, no pessimism!

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