Ex girlfriend got married

[Audacious]

Hello ,

 

I am going to be as brief as possible ,

There was a girl in my life , we were friends , I was heart broken from a past bitter experience , and she was in a serious relationship , the friendship grew deeper and then her own relationship took an ugly turn .

 

I developed strong feelings for her and fell in love with her , for the very first time in my life , eventually she broke up with the guy she was in a relationship with for a few years ,

 

we were in a serious but long distance relationship , it was great and sweet , yet it took a very unfortunate turn when her family categorically rejected the idea of her marrying me , therefore she was in a very tough situation , she tried to break up with me yet I insisted there is a way .

 

she suffered alot and eventually we both agreed that it should stop , she disappeared for a while yet she kept contacting me sporadically , I always answered and checked on her and she did the same , she disappeared again , this time , she did not contact me and I found out that she had a Facebook profile and I was not added as a friend .

 

Fast forward one year and a couple of months with no contact between us at all , I discovered that she got married , most likely to the same guy in her past .

 

I thought I was past that but my heart sank , I was shocked , dismayed and saddened all of the sudden , as if someone close to me died , I thought I was over that experience but her getting married hit me very hard and I feel my heart has been ripped to shreds , I cannot help myself from thinking that I have failed to make her love me enough , even though she did , and even though I was extremely forgiven and was by her side all the time , not even once thought of myself , and I wanted to stay by her side no matter what and never give up on her despite the pain I was in .

 

I realized under the light of what happened that I still love her , despite the fact that I fully realized that there is no chance in the world our paths will ever cross and chances are we will never meet again since we are now living in different countries .

 

I feel lost , completely shrouded by sadness and depression . I somehow cannot comprehend a world without her .

 

I have a few questions , that I would like to hear your feed back on them :

 

1- was I a rebound guy ?

2- was it my fault that she left me ? or her circumstances or a combination of both ?

 

3- why after more than one year of no contact I still feel this way now , it all rushed back to me as if it happened yesterday ?

4- I do realize that I MUST and SHOULD move on , but how do I do that , and how to completely accept the reality ?

 

5- It is a good idea to contact her to say congratulation on her marriage or that would be a total mistake ?

 

thank you

[RySant]

1- was I a rebound guy ?

 

Possibly. But if you say that you really loved her and you felt her love then that doesn't mean your love for each other aren't real. There was a point in your life that you two considered getting married, but external factors are against it. I don't see that as rebound.

 

2- was it my fault that she left me ? or her circumstances or a combination of both ?

 

It's not your fault. This is pure circumstances. She lives in another country and it will really be nearly impossible for you two to have a healthy relationship. I guess she knew this and moved on as much as possible for herself. You should do the same to.

 

3- why after more than one year of no contact I still feel this way now , it all rushed back to me as if it happened yesterday ?

 

Because there is no proper closure. Your relationship did not for apart because one of you have an issue to another or vice versa. It's all about the external factors (location, family etc.) You two broke up because of them, not because of you two. But now there is. She got married. That's enough for you to start healing.

 

 

4- I do realize that I MUST and SHOULD move on , but how do I do that , and how to completely accept the reality ?

 

Complete no contact. Drop the FB stalking, take away all the things that reminds you of her, and just focus on yourself. You have something to hold on now. And that is her getting married. No need to cling to the past.

 

5- It is a good idea to contact her to say congratulation on her marriage or that would be a total mistake ?

 

Mistake. At the back of your mind, the reason you want to contact is for her to recognize you that you are still in the background. There is NO POINT to contact her now. It will just lead to communication that will hamper your moving on, or possible emotional affair for her. It's unfair to both of you, and to the husband.

[smudge21]

Often when we think we're over someone, we truly aren't but we don't notice it until we find out something about them, like they're getting married. I think it's because, even though we say we've healed and fine, we're not.. we're still living in hope that maybe, just maybe, they'll come back. Then we get that news that they've moved on totall, got hitched and it really is like breaking up all over again.

 

I recall seeing my ex with an engagement ring on, months after we'd split - it was like a punch to the heart, really got me... and I'd thought I was fine with it all by then. I was just living in hope, and that hope just got smashed.

 

This news has caused you to look back and think "what if" and that's perfectly acceptable - you're not fully over her and need to stay no contact for your own sanity. It's the only way and it will continue to hurt for a long time to come. You should never look back and wish you'd done this or that, the truth is there were two people involved in this - yeah, you could've done different things, but so could've she. She could've done more to stay with you. Plus just because you could've done different things, doesn't mean that would've changed anything, or her. Don't beat yourself down with regret, you have to accept that the past is unchangeable, no matter how hard you think about it.

 

You're not alone in your pain and it will take a while, you may even be hit with some more set backs, but healing is never easy, especially when we've fallen so hard for someone. It does get better though, this place is rammed full of people who got knocked down but they all find their way back up.

[Audacious]

Possibly. But if you say that you really loved her and you felt her love then that doesn't mean your love for each other aren't real. There was a point in your life that you two considered getting married, but external factors are against it. I don't see that as rebound.

 

She did love me , she just saw me a better person than her boyfriend at the time , he hopes were crushed when her family vehemently rejected me , for reasons beyond my ability to change and control .

 

It's not your fault. This is pure circumstances. She lives in another country and it will really be nearly impossible for you two to have a healthy relationship. I guess she knew this and moved on as much as possible for herself. You should do the same to.

 

I agree , long distance takes its toll on relationships , not to mentioned a relationship that is over

 

Because there is no proper closure. Your relationship did not for apart because one of you have an issue to another or vice versa. It's all about the external factors (location, family etc.) You two broke up because of them, not because of you two. But now there is. She got married. That's enough for you to start healing.

 

I often thought that too , because we were forced apart it was really hard to blame each others , and I never did nor will blame her , I just hope that I can find out how long I would be hurt before I get better but I know that differs from one person to another

 

Complete no contact. Drop the FB stalking, take away all the things that reminds you of her, and just focus on yourself. You have something to hold on now. And that is her getting married. No need to cling to the past.

 

I agree , one of the reasons why I am devastated is that I am still single and really in no position to enter any relationship , otherwise , my life is normal

 

Mistake. At the back of your mind, the reason you want to contact is for her to recognize you that you are still in the background. There is NO POINT to contact her now. It will just lead to communication that will hamper your moving on, or possible emotional affair for her. It's unfair to both of you, and to the husband.

 

100% spot on , I thought that too but it was still emotional attachment that almost made me send her a message today and I am glad that I did not

 

Thank you for the comprehensive reply , I really really appreciate it , it makes things alot easier for me when others give me their opinion , it kinda puts things in perspective for me ,

 

Thank you again

[Audacious]

Often when we think we're over someone, we truly aren't but we don't notice it until we find out something about them, like they're getting married. I think it's because, even though we say we've healed and fine, we're not.. we're still living in hope that maybe, just maybe, they'll come back. Then we get that news that they've moved on totall, got hitched and it really is like breaking up all over again.

 

That is exactly what has happened to me , I really thought that that relationship is way behind me as if it was a million years ago and then , when I discovered her getting married I was shocked as if the stars and the skies fell over me , but I think my healing process will begin from this point forward , I kinda feel like I got back to square one ( apparently , I am was and still in it ) ,I wish I could figure out a way to swiftly move on .

 

I recall seeing my ex with an engagement ring on, months after we'd split - it was like a punch to the heart, really got me... and I'd thought I was fine with it all by then. I was just living in hope, and that hope just got smashed.

 

Yes , I had a very similar first reaction like my heart sank . and I do admit that something was hoping that one day she rings me , but it is what it is .

 

This news has caused you to look back and think "what if" and that's perfectly acceptable - you're not fully over her and need to stay no contact for your own sanity. It's the only way and it will continue to hurt for a long time to come. You should never look back and wish you'd done this or that, the truth is there were two people involved in this - yeah, you could've done different things, but so could've she. She could've done more to stay with you. Plus just because you could've done different things, doesn't mean that would've changed anything, or her. Don't beat yourself down with regret, you have to accept that the past is unchangeable, no matter how hard you think about it.

 

Despite the fact that in my situation and hers , there is really very little room for the what if thinking ; yet I still go through it , looks like it is a process that everyone goes through after a break up

 

You're not alone in your pain and it will take a while, you may even be hit with some more set backs, but healing is never easy, especially when we've fallen so hard for someone. It does get better though, this place is rammed full of people who got knocked down but they all find their way back up.

 

I agree , she was my first , and I do not deny that I had sweet memories with her , and I do not have a shred of negative feeling toward her , there was little she could have done , I wished I was her groom but that did not happen , that is life .

 

I wish her all the happiness and I hope that one day I would be happy too

[K2z]

My ex got married a few months after she left our shared home. I wept like a howling wolf the day I saw her wedding pictures on Facebook.

 

She is dead to me now. Yours needs to be dead to you.

[mightycpa]

How is it that you were heartbroken from a past bitter experience, and then you fell in love for the first time?

 

Anyway, leave her alone. You probably buried your feelings instead of properly grieving for your loss. Knowledge of the marriage was the trigger that broght those feelings right up to the surface.

 

It's time to feel bad about this now, and to learn a little more about yourself. There's no getting around this, so get it behind you.

[Audacious]

How is it that you were heartbroken from a past bitter experience, and then you fell in love for the first time?

 

Not every experience constitute a "falling in love " so yes she was my first .

 

I think that you're correct , thats why I feel as if the whole thing happened days ago , it is clearer to now .

[Audacious]

I still feel like crap , although getting better , how long will it take to forget the loss of something this big ?

[mightycpa]

Not every experience constitute a "falling in love " so yes she was my first .

Yes, I understand that. But heartbreak requires love as a predicate, because otherwise, there's nothing to break. That's what doesn't make sense to me.

I think that you're correct , thats why I feel as if the whole thing happened days ago , it is clearer to now .

Yeah, well, unfortunately, it might take some time. No doubt you'll get tired of feeling that way, and you'll feel a little ridiculous mourning for something that is not fresh... it will be hard to share that with people, because they won't understand. But don't let any of that deter you. You need to feel it, and let it all out.

 

Good luck.