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4.5 Year Break up. Need answers


Returnofthemack925

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Returnofthemack925

Hello everyone, Im 26 years old and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend who is 23 years old. Long story short, we had an amazing relationship for 3.5 years during college, after she graduated, she was offered a job about 1.5 hours away from where we live (we don't live together). At first I thought it would be a great opportunity for her and told her to take it, the money was great and it would be a great learning experience. The field of work she is in requires her to travel (Engineer), from job site to job site. So she was only supposed to be there for a year. She moved away in January last year 2015, and was supposed to be back this Feb. (her lease ended jan 31) and her new job site was going to be back home, which I was ecstatic about. Back to the overall problem. When she moved, things were okay at first, it was weird from going from seeing someone almost every day and spending every night together, to seeing this person only on weekends, and at the time, I was doing security work at bars to make extra money, so it was tough, basically only getting to get home and sleep in the same bed when she was home. Looking back now, I wish I would have never done the security work and spent time with her, but easy money is really hard to pass up. Also, she wanted to spend time with her friends. So I would work, she would go out with her friends etc... things were still okay. I worked full time as a personal trainer, and was doing really well at it and loved my job, but I went to school for law enforcement and decided to take a job, even though I was losing money, its what ive always wanted to do. Her and I had some hard couple weeks leading up to us "Taking a break" the first week I started the academy, and decided this on the 25th of July. During this time, I felt fine, I was really busy with the new training, and all the new people. I didn't drink at all before the training started, but meeting all these new people, I started going out and having a good time.

 

My girlfriend had zero contact until August 7th,(our 4 year anniversary) which was 13 days after our break started. She texted me, something on the lines of, I had to text you today, I hope all is going well. From that point we started small talk, nothing to mooshy, still respecting our break. Around august 12-13 she tells me her best friend is going to go on the cruise with her (in my place) that we were supposed to go on in November, which I already paid for. I got upset, not really sure why, but I was mad about it because she never really asked me anything about it and how I felt. So this leaded to a little argument, and I asked to have the gun I purchased her for when she moved back. She agreed and we didn't talk much the next day or two. she told me she was in town on the 15 of august and that I could have my gun back, I got the gun, we said it was good to see each other, I gave her a hug, and I walked away. she drove away. That night she text me saying how great it was seeing me and we started talking again. We started telling each other we miss and love each other every night after the 15 and things were progressively getting better so by august 20th we were basically back together and I think she stayed at my place August 24. Now that things are falling into place with us, I ask her if she slept with anyone while we were on our break, of course she said no. After that I left it alone. I trusted her. Our relationship was fine the next few months, I went on the cruise with her and her family, which was over thanksgiving, it went great, we had a great time, things are still going good. Chirstmas eve rolls around, I knew I had a funny feeling from the start that she was hiding something from me. Because after being with someone so long, you just know. So I ask her again, I said, "did you really not sleep with anyone when we were on our break" she said no, I said, please just tell me the truth I just want to know. She said no. I told her I slept with four girls, just trying to get an answer out of her, which was wrong and I wish I could take it all back now. She said how did you sleep with that many girls in such a short period of time, I said basically I met a whole knew group of people, going out on weekends, things just happened. I returned my attention to her again, I said sooo... she said she went on a date and kissed someone, I said that's all seriously, she said yes. I said, just tell me the truth I just want to know, she said they went on two dates and the second date he came over they drank and he spent the night. I asked her if they did anything she said no but we slept in the bed together. I said with clothes on, she said I had my top off and he was in his boxers, I said really im not an idiot just tell me the truth. she said finally that they messed around but she didn't do anything to him but he "played" with her. I was like now seriously... we are not in middle school anymore. She said finally the third date, they had sex. I was broken, I then told her I was kidding about sleeping with the other girls I just knew I had to lie to get it out of her. I told her we were done and to get her stuff and leave, she basically begged for me and pleaded for a few hours. This was all out of anger, and being a male...you guys know how it is... 4 years and your girls sleeps with someone 3 weeks after you break up kinda stings. She begged for me for about two days, so Christmas eve and Christmas she was all about fixing things. Then all of a sudden, the next day she hung out with a friend and it was a complete 360, she didn't know what she wanted blah blah blah.. and I was completely caught off guard, I was like hey, you're the one who messed up here and now you are punishing me for it? I was super confused. she said she wanted to talk, so basically we talked all night about it and she basically came to the conclusion that she was confused...I told her I would forgive her, if she told me the date that she slept with this guy. she said she would have to look at her journal, which is 1.5 hours away. I said okay, well let me read that part and we can move forward, I just don't wanna be lied to since she told me it only happened one time. She was kinda pissed that I wanted to read it, but i felt that if she could hide this from me for 5 months... that she was probably lying. i talked her into it, we went the next morning, i read it, i was happy because she was telling the truth, and said "i was drunk, i told him to stop but it just happened"...this made me feel a little better and could forgive her even though i was extremely disappointed with her because she slept with him August 17th, When her and I were telling each other we missed each other and wanted to be together and that we loved each, (i went back in my texts and found this out, which i thought was shady) she was mad i read it but, she basically got over it. We were up and down the next few days, her saying she doesn't know what she wants, and now me basically fighting to get her back.

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Moving forward, we were working things out, right before she left to go to new York for new years to visit some friends. She was going From Thursday to Monday. I dropped her off Thursday at the airport, and things were okay, we told each other we loved each other and that was that. When she was there the first two days were okay, Friday, i had people over at my house and had my phone hooked up to the radio so i couldn't reply to all her texts, she got mad...next day she was pissed but understandable. Me being a decided i wanted to see if she was still talking to this guy, i made a fake number online, and texted her, acting like the guy she hooked up with, she knew it was me immediately and got really pissed again, understandable. i told her i was sorry and it was a joke, she was still mad and didn't want to talk to me. I believe it was the next day, i was at the gym, she texted me and said we need to talk, i said wuts up, she said on the phone. I called her, she said i think we should break up....i talked to her for awhile and it didn't really get anywhere.. things calmed down a bit. So Monday rolls around, im supposed to pick her up from the airport, she was being really shady during the texts, not saying i love you...or that kind of stuff. I played it cool, because i knew she was still pissed about the fake number thing. I surprised her with Roses and she seemed kind of awkward. we held hands to the car. On the car ride home, i asked how the trip was, and small talk about it. I then began telling her how i felt about our whole situation and how i just wanted to move forward and put this in the past. Again being shady..we get to my house, im running late for work, i drop her off i get out hug her and she kinda pushes me away lightly, i tell her i love her and i have to go to work. i go to work, she tells me to be safe and that she loves me, i said the same. The next day was okay, she was kinda being shady again, which was Tuesday. Wednesday we talked on the phone for a little bit and things seemd okay, she said that she talked to her mom about our whole situation, i asked so what did you guys talk about, does your mom not want us to be together or something, she said no but she agrees with me and i think we need space... i said i don't want to do space because the whole space thing is the reason why we are here today, and what you did. she persisted that's what she wanted and i said i cant do it again. She said well if you cant give me what i want, we should just break up. Of course i don't want that i love this girl. I agreed to it and gave her her space, she said if you truly loved me, you would give me and this relationship the space that is needed. I asked if she even wanted to fix this, she said yes, but i need time. so we basically left it at that. The next day Thursday, she texts me at about 12 in the after noon saying "im sorry for the way things have ended up, i wish i would have never moved away, but things have come between us that we cant right now. Im doing this in hopes to work everything out in the future, i know you don't see that know, but i hope one day you will. i will always love you. I told her, i love her and ill give her space. We had no contact for 23 days, until i finally texted her, i just asked how she was doing and i hope everything was going okay, we had small talk nothing major, and towards the end i said, if youre in town this weekend, maybe we could get lunch or a drink, she said yeah maybe we can see. This was Thursday, i didn't text her Friday just to give her some space. Saturday rolls around i text her at 10:45am and basically said i wanted to touch base to see when she was available because i had a few things to do. She replied at about 4pm and said, i don't think we should see each other. This hurt... i went on to ask basically what direction we are going because i was confused, she said she wants me to live my life...i told her i want her in my life and im just confused. she then said "i don't think we should be together".

 

This broke me down even more...I texted her a few hours later and said, i really wanna fight for us and make this work. She texted me back a long text basically, saying everything i didn't do right, and venting about how i don't know what her dreams are, i don't know what her fears are, i don't know what her insecurities are and that she wants to be with someone who doesn't have to fight for her that just loves her... and some other stuff but basically the same. and then ends the text with "please just stop "fighting" for us, me. its done. its too far gone. This threw me off big time. I told her i really want to work it out and even though she doesn't want me fighting for her i didn't wanna give up, and i didn't want her to give up on me...That's basically where it stands everyone. This just happened about two days ago.. January 30 i believe. During this whole period of the no contact 23 days, and now this, i haven't slept barely, i have zero appetite, I've got a very stressful job. i have breakdowns almost every day. everyone tells me the same thing, that i need to just move forward but its so hard. its so hard to hear these things from someone that you've been with for over 4 years and its like they really just don't care. And it all happened because i found out she slept with someone. its really putting a toll on me and i really want to fight for her. i just don't know what else i can do. ive told her how i felt, and how things will be better but all she does is shut me down. Ive never felt so low before, and i really think shes got someone "occupying" her time now, which is making this a lot easier for her to do this, and the thought of that kills me, i was planning on marrying this girl. Anyone help....

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Here, you will only hear one advice: move on.

 

There is no "fighting for her". She clearly said, not just with words, but with actions, that she doesn't want to be with you. You are still in denial. While in denial, you hurt even more. She is gone, over, dead. There is no other alternative but to turn the focus of attention to yourself, not to her. You need to start the healing process.

 

She does not play any role in your healing process. It is about you now. That means you have to remove any trace or chance of communication with her from your life. Zero contact. Block social media, texting, email, phone numbers, etc. In the healing process, "answers" or "closure" are irrelevant, because the relationship became a thing of the past. Healing points towards the future.

 

Think of her as a drug and you as the addict.

Edited by DarkHorizon
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Full disclosure: I didn't read your full post. It's very long, and, at the end of the day, most of these posts boil down to similar scenarios.

 

I am only slightly more well adjusted than the average post-breakup poster on here, and that is purely due to time and the loving patience of friends and family, along with a bit of volunteering. I was utterly lost and sitting on a thousand needles 3 months ago.

 

Understand a couple of basic things right now:

 

You are in the weeds, and your emotions and anxieties are temporarily holding you hostage. There is no silver bullet. There is waiting, baby steps and tiny victories, and the loving support of your family and best friends.

 

Also, there is no way back to the ex except for forward with yourself. There is no pity scenario, cajoling, begging, Lincoln-Douglas debating her back into loving you. There is only you staking your claim and being your best self, or returning to your best self, with tiny baby steps forward.

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Stay strong man! I'm going through something more or less the same, and each day is a fight. You'll have your good days and bad days. During the bad days, it will feel like hell, you will feel like giving in and contacting her for a short relief.

 

Take the time to heal, to really have the space to think about yourself. Yes you will most likely be thinking of her every single minute, but that will get better too. Slowly you'll realize that maybe she was never the right person.

 

Months/years down the line, if she contacts you and you are already over it. Perhaps something could be re-ignited.

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While you guys were dating your priority revolved around jobs and barely spent time together. Then you guys started to see each other on the weekends because of her job. Being connected to each other was kind of missing. Then you guys had a break, during these times young people tend to get self-validation somewhere else. (This is not necessarily wise, but oh well...)

 

So you guys were ON A BREAK, DID NOT DATE, she had a one night stand and you held this against her. You interrogated her about this 3 - 4 times and forced her to show you her diary !!!?? You even lied about 4 girls to trick her, manipulate her ! This shows that you DO NOT trust her, that you have a self esteem problem and that you are CONTROLLING. Not good.

 

I hope you understand that this is wrong, please try to not be like that in the future.

 

I know that guys are territorial, but this kind of controlling jealousy is very destructive, and disrespectful. Damaging.

You can only control yourself, I would highly recommend no contact, I know it is hard but you need to respect her wishes.

What you are experiencing now is the withdrawal, similar to drug withdrawal, no appetite, can't sleep, very sad.....these are completely normal after a breakup.

It will take time, but you will get there, be patient.

Edited by Captivating
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Give up the Relationship Necromancy.

 

Its over, and if you don't let her go in her chosen direction, she will come to hate you.

 

Leave her be.

 

Get on with your own healing.

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Returnofthemack925

Well, She Texted me yesterday at 5:30pm and said "Can I Call You Tomorrow" I of course said yeah. She asked "What time", I told her a time, then she said "ok"...Hopefully this is good news. Wish me luck.

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Well, She Texted me yesterday at 5:30pm and said "Can I Call You Tomorrow" I of course said yeah. She asked "What time", I told her a time, then she said "ok"...Hopefully this is good news. Wish me luck.

 

Good luck.

 

Whatever the outcome may be, realise that it's what's meant to be.

 

 

Take care.

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My friend, this one is headed for the ****ter (if it's not there already) because you're immature and you don't know how to be in a relationship like this yet.

 

You: So did you sleep with anybody while we were broken up?

Her: No.

You: Tell me the truth. I slept with 4 girls!

Her: That many?

You: Yeah, so now, tell me the truth. I want to know.

Her: Ok, yeah, I did.

You: How could you betray me like that? I'll never get over it! I didn't sleep with any girls!

Her: Ok, let's break up then.

You: But I'm ready to forgive you!

Her: Ok

You: Hey, I'm impersonating your old boyfriend

Her: You're a jerk. We're breaking up.

You: No, baby, please, I luuuuuuuvvvv you!

Her: **** you.

 

Can you imagine? I think you both need to see other people, you, especially, so you can learn how to be an adult in a relationship.

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