The no contact rule? Will it work?

[nsg1122]

Hi. I recently got dumped by my gf of 3.5 years. I'm 24 and she's 22. And we are both each other's first.

 

When she broke up with me she was crying alot and seemed really distraught. She asked if we could still be friends and I told her no. However I can't remember if I told her not to text me or call?

 

We talked later that night by phone and I tried to convince her. It didnt work obviously.

 

She sent me a text the next day saying she was sorry for what happend but thinks its the right thing because she doesnt want me to change for her like she needed.

 

We havne't communicated since then. It's been 2 days.

 

I'm just worried that I may have told her to not text me/call me when we broke up and she may have just sent the "sorry" text as a last text.

 

I'm trying the NC rule to heal and hopefully, have her realize that she made a mistake.

 

Essentially, I'm worried I'll lose the effect of the NC rule since I told her not to contact me or that we couldn't be friends.

 

How can I correct this? I want to be back with her

[Brando]

Hi. I recently got dumped by my gf of 3.5 years. I'm 24 and she's 22. And we are both each other's first.

 

When she broke up with me she was crying alot and seemed really distraught. She asked if we could still be friends and I told her no. However I can't remember if I told her not to text me or call?

 

We talked later that night by phone and I tried to convince her. It didnt work obviously.

 

She sent me a text the next day saying she was sorry for what happend but thinks its the right thing because she doesnt want me to change for her like she needed.

 

We havne't communicated since then. It's been 2 days.

 

I'm just worried that I may have told her to not text me/call me when we broke up and she may have just sent the "sorry" text as a last text.

 

I'm trying the NC rule to heal and hopefully, have her realize that she made a mistake.

 

Essentially, I'm worried I'll lose the effect of the NC rule since I told her not to contact me or that we couldn't be friends.

 

How can I correct this? I want to be back with her

 

 

 

You 2 broke up. That relationship is over. You told her your piece, your only choice is NC and moving on. I'm sure you want her back, but you can't control anyone else and she broke it off with you. She thought long and hard about her decision, I am sure. You need to respect and accept her decision. It's time to heal yourself and let the hope of her "realizing her mistake" and running back to you go. Could she one day come back?? Ehhhh maybe, but I doubt it. Read the stories of people who have broken up with people before. It's not a easy or rash decision. She thought about it for a while.

 

Go NC and don't respond to breadcrumbs. While you're sitting around wondering if NC is working to make her miss you....she's living her life..

[darkbloom]

You cannot use the NC to manipulate her to get back together with you. There's nothing you can do to 'fix' it with her. The ONLY thing you can control is yourself and your actions. The NC is intended for you to heal and to move on with your life.

 

If you are going NC with the intention of her coming back, you will be sorely disappointed and you will end up breaking NC.

 

Let sleeping dogs lie.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you misunderstand what No Contact is for. It's not designed to help her realize she's made a mistake. It's to help you move on. Therefore, it won't work for the purposes you're hoping for.

 

Why did she break up with you?

[Chi townD]

Okay dude. I'm going to be as gentle as I can be. You tried to talk her back into a relationship with you and she wasn't having it. You are not friends with her. I'm pretty sure you didn't get into a relationship with her with the ultimate outcome is that you are nothing more than a really good friend to her. I mean, what does she expect from that? For you to be a third wheel on a date she's on?

 

 

Look, she was your first and you will never forget your first. So, NC is really going to be hard for you because the first time you have that strong of an emotional and physical connect with a person is hard to break. But, you're young and you have the opportunity to see what else is out there. Who knows! Your next girlfriend may be 10 times better than your first!

 

 

NC is a tool for you to heal and move on. Use it for that purpose. The others are right. If you use NC to try to get her back, 9 times out of 10, it never works. Will she reach out to you again? Probably. BUT! Not to get back with you. She'll contact you to see if you hate her. Don't respond. Ignore it! She made a choice and that choice was to have you out of her life. So, you give her exactly what she's asking for.

[nsg1122]

She didn't give me a good reason at all. She says she said I'm incompatible with her. But we've been together for 3.5 years. Didn't she realize it earlier? And she said she still cares for me and she may regret this in the future and she needs to find her self. Before we dated she used to be overweight and didnt have much confidence. But after she lost weight, we began dating.

 

And she feels like she doesnt know who she really is ever since she lost weight . She jumped into a relationship right away.

 

But she did admit that in the beginning of the relationship she would have done anything for me and would love to spend time with me and would stand in front of a bus for me. She said she still loves me but its different.

 

Another issue is that her parents have a horrible relationship and her mom hates her marriage and i feel like she projects it on to her. My gf constantly gets told by her mom that make sure youre with the right guy. And i feel like she fears that since I'm different from her...I'm not the right guy. But she doesnt realize that no one will be the exact same as you.

 

I honestly feel like she's freaking out. She literally texted me for days before I met her that night she wanted to break up and said she loved me. She really blows small things up. And the main quality she feels like is different is that I'm not as social as she is. And she doesnt realize that I can change that because I know I need to.

 

So the issues I think that are in her head:

 

1) Parent's unsuccesful marriage - Differences in personality = future misery

2) No longer in the honeymoon phase = No longer loves me

 

Everything else I feel like is connected to the reasons above.

[cupcakebunny]

That's a reason - she doesn't want to date you anymore. That's a perfectly reasonable and legitimate reason. You just don't like the reason. And you also don't have to. I know it sounds harsh but it's the unfortunate truth.

 

 

The NC rule is for you. You tried to get her back and she said no. I would just put distance between her and the relationship and move on. Date someone that WANTS to be with you. That's sort of the point of dating.

[Satu]

The key to healing is acceptance.

 

If she wants to be with you again, she WILL let you know.

 

In the meantime, take care of yourself. See friends, catch up with things, spend your time on things that make you feel good.

 

You'll be ok.

 

 

Take care.

[ChickiePops]

She didn't give me a good reason at all. She says she said I'm incompatible with her. But we've been together for 3.5 years. Didn't she realize it earlier? And she said she still cares for me and she may regret this in the future and she needs to find her self. Before we dated she used to be overweight and didnt have much confidence. But after she lost weight, we began dating.

 

And she feels like she doesnt know who she really is ever since she lost weight . She jumped into a relationship right away.

 

But she did admit that in the beginning of the relationship she would have done anything for me and would love to spend time with me and would stand in front of a bus for me. She said she still loves me but its different.

 

Another issue is that her parents have a horrible relationship and her mom hates her marriage and i feel like she projects it on to her. My gf constantly gets told by her mom that make sure youre with the right guy. And i feel like she fears that since I'm different from her...I'm not the right guy. But she doesnt realize that no one will be the exact same as you.

 

I honestly feel like she's freaking out. She literally texted me for days before I met her that night she wanted to break up and said she loved me. She really blows small things up. And the main quality she feels like is different is that I'm not as social as she is. And she doesnt realize that I can change that because I know I need to.

 

So the issues I think that are in her head:

 

1) Parent's unsuccesful marriage - Differences in personality = future misery

2) No longer in the honeymoon phase = No longer loves me

 

Everything else I feel like is connected to the reasons above.

 

You can only speculate what's going on in her head, but incompatibility is a great reason to break up with someone. If she doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't want to be with you. She doesn't need to explain herself any further than that.

 

Sorry dude...but you will be ok. You're so young..go date around and have some fun!

[nsg1122]

I know you're trying to help me out and I know you maybe actually right.

 

But I just cant help but think that me being less social than she is, even when I want to change and be more social NOT for her but for myself, is a true reason to break up with someone? Especially if it can be fixed.

 

If it was about wanting to be in an exclusive relationship or not, being religious or not, wanting to have children or not are legit reasons to me.

 

She really blows this entire compatibility issue out of the water because of her parents.

 

Sorry I know I'm venting. Apologies.

[Brando]

I know you're trying to help me out and I know you maybe actually right.

 

But I just cant help but think that me being less social than she is, even when I want to change and be more social NOT for her but for myself, is a true reason to break up with someone? Especially if it can be fixed.

 

If it was about wanting to be in an exclusive relationship or not, being religious or not, wanting to have children or not are legit reasons to me.

 

She really blows this entire compatibility issue out of the water because of her parents.

 

Sorry I know I'm venting. Apologies.

 

Vent on. That's what the forum is for....what's done is done though....its you time. Find what makes you happy outside this girl. There's a big world out there with many many people....you should check it out some time.

 

Until you're ready for that post here, try to stop analyzing, go NC and heal.

 

We all know the pain, we've all lived it. Not fun, but you will be just fine.

[ChickiePops]

I know you're trying to help me out and I know you maybe actually right.

 

But I just cant help but think that me being less social than she is, even when I want to change and be more social NOT for her but for myself, is a true reason to break up with someone? Especially if it can be fixed.

 

If it was about wanting to be in an exclusive relationship or not, being religious or not, wanting to have children or not are legit reasons to me.

 

She really blows this entire compatibility issue out of the water because of her parents.

 

Sorry I know I'm venting. Apologies.

 

It's ok, you're perfectly entitled to vent. We all do it.

 

Honestly, I really doubt the social thing is her only reason for breaking up with you. It sounds to me like she was letting you down as gently as she could.

 

Break ups truly suck don't they? My boyfriend/fiance of 5 years and I split not that long ago. He dumped me. I really do understand how you feel.

 

You sound like a smart guy though, I bet you anything you'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find yourself someone who thinks you hung the moon within a few months.

[mightycpa]

She didn't give me a good reason at all. She says she said I'm incompatible with her. But we've been together for 3.5 years. Didn't she realize it earlier? And she said she still cares for me and she may regret this in the future and she needs to find her self. Before we dated she used to be overweight and didnt have much confidence. But after she lost weight, we began dating.

 

And she feels like she doesnt know who she really is ever since she lost weight . She jumped into a relationship right away.

 

But she did admit that in the beginning of the relationship she would have done anything for me and would love to spend time with me and would stand in front of a bus for me. She said she still loves me but its different.

 

Another issue is that her parents have a horrible relationship and her mom hates her marriage and i feel like she projects it on to her. My gf constantly gets told by her mom that make sure youre with the right guy. And i feel like she fears that since I'm different from her...I'm not the right guy. But she doesnt realize that no one will be the exact same as you.

 

I honestly feel like she's freaking out. She literally texted me for days before I met her that night she wanted to break up and said she loved me. She really blows small things up. And the main quality she feels like is different is that I'm not as social as she is. And she doesnt realize that I can change that because I know I need to.

 

So the issues I think that are in her head:

 

1) Parent's unsuccesful marriage - Differences in personality = future misery

2) No longer in the honeymoon phase = No longer loves me

 

Everything else I feel like is connected to the reasons above.

You're forgetting all-important possible reason #3.

 

3) Young and attractive former fatty gets attention from other guys and likes it. Wonders what other treats might be out there = Break up with you.

 

What you need to do is to start ignoring the reasons. Consider the following reason distribution table that shows sample weights of reasons to dump you, using the reasons up above:

 

#1 - 30% #2 - 60% #3 - 10%

#1 - 10% #2 - 10% #3 - 89%

#1 - 75% #2 - 01% #3 - 24%

#1 - 00% #2 - 00% #3 - 00% *something you haven't thought of

 

Whatever the truth is, it does not affect the outcome. If this is so, then what difference does knowing the reasons make? None.

 

So don't worry about why. Worry about WHAT. What is that she's singlehandedly changed the deal with you. Now all you have to do is get up to speed on the new arrangement.

[nsg1122]

Hi guys thanks for the responses.

 

I still want her back.

 

I got contacted by her brother last night saying he wanted to check in on me and make sure I was doing ok since he just heard about us breaking up.

 

He also said my ex is really sad. I don't know what to make about this.

 

Should I look at it as she's regretting what happened and may be having second thoughts??? Or some part of me is looking at it as she just wants to know if I'm doing ok so that she can no longer feel guilty of hurting me?

 

She still has us as pics on her facebook profile.

 

I'm still doing no contact and hoping she'll realize her love for me.

[Satu]

If you're talking to her brother and checking her on Facebook, you're not doing no contact. You don't have to, but if you want to do it, do it right.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[PegNosePete]

But I just cant help but think that me being less social than she is, even when I want to change and be more social NOT for her but for myself, is a true reason to break up with someone?

This is not a court of law. She does not have to have a good reason. She does not have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that she has legitimate reason. There is no judge presiding on whether the reason is good enough to accept the break-up or not.

 

The fact is, she doesn't want to be with you any more. It is irrelevant whether the reason she gave is good enough (in your opinion) or "legit". It is her sole decision whether she wants to be with you or not. It takes 2 to make a relationship but only 1 to break it.

 

You are not doing NC because you are stalking her social media. NC is the best way to heal. But you must accept the above to implement it properly.

[nsg1122]

I understand that everyone is telling me to move on with NC.

 

But here are a few reasons why I doubt she's done with our relationship:

 

1) When I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this...she said "pretty sure", she could have said yes but she didnt.

 

2) When I called her later that night (the night of the breakup) and tried to convince her she mentioned "sh*t sh*t sh*t a few times, indicating to me she wasn't 100% sure with her decision

 

And the next day when she texted me to apologize for the break up she said she still thinks she did the right thing for me...it seems like she's trying to convince herself that she did the right thing

 

Not to mention she was really crying when she said she wanted to break up. And the fact that she mentioned that she wanted to pick up my parents from the airport earlier that week. I'm just getting such mixed signals from her.

 

I really feel like med school and stress just got to her.

 

Idk. I might just be trying to hold on to some hope.

 

I just look back at these past 6 months and see all these missed opportunities...If i was just more mature about things, not tnagging her about texting male friends who I knew were just friends, not being an extra burden on her while she tried to navigate med school or being suspicious of trivial acts. I pushed her away. I was a horrible bf.

 

The worst part is that I feel like I wouldn't be in this situation if I acted slightly different. It's on me.

[ChickiePops]

I understand that everyone is telling me to move on with NC.

 

But here are a few reasons why I doubt she's done with our relationship:

 

1) When I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this...she said "pretty sure", she could have said yes but she didnt.

 

2) When I called her later that night (the night of the breakup) and tried to convince her she mentioned "sh*t sh*t sh*t a few times, indicating to me she wasn't 100% sure with her decision

 

And the next day when she texted me to apologize for the break up she said she still thinks she did the right thing for me...it seems like she's trying to convince herself that she did the right thing

 

Not to mention she was really crying when she said she wanted to break up. And the fact that she mentioned that she wanted to pick up my parents from the airport earlier that week. I'm just getting such mixed signals from her.

 

I really feel like med school and stress just got to her.

 

Idk. I might just be trying to hold on to some hope.

 

I just look back at these past 6 months and see all these missed opportunities...If i was just more mature about things, not tnagging her about texting male friends who I knew were just friends, not being an extra burden on her while she tried to navigate med school or being suspicious of trivial acts. I pushed her away. I was a horrible bf.

 

The worst part is that I feel like I wouldn't be in this situation if I acted slightly different. It's on me.

 

My ex fiance cried when he dumped me. He also said he wasn't sure...he knew that if he ever did get married it could only be me...blah blah blah. That was 4 years ago. Guess who I'm NOT in a relationship with right now...

 

Don't make my mistakes. I wasted a TON of time going back and forth with this guy. I wasted 4 years of my life. Don't do it. Seriously.

[Been]

I'm going to disagree. NC is to help you get over someone but that doesn't mean that's all it can be used for.

If he goes NC and really sticks to NC and she comes to the conclusion that she made a mistake then NC could work for him-he basically telling her I'm not going to tolerate your ways and if you continue doing what you do I'm not going to be in your life. BUT he could only use NC once for that purpose. And it would have to be ample time that thier wasn't any contact of ANY kind between them.

[joseb]

Hi guys thanks for the responses.

 

I still want her back.

 

I got contacted by her brother last night saying he wanted to check in on me and make sure I was doing ok since he just heard about us breaking up.

 

He also said my ex is really sad. I don't know what to make about this.

 

Should I look at it as she's regretting what happened and may be having second thoughts??? Or some part of me is looking at it as she just wants to know if I'm doing ok so that she can no longer feel guilty of hurting me?

 

She still has us as pics on her facebook profile.

 

I'm still doing no contact and hoping she'll realize her love for me.

 

Anyone who has ever broken up with anyone feels very sad afterwards unless they are totally coldhearted. After I broke up with my last girlfriend I was really upset for weeks afterwards. Probably took me 6 months to get back to myself.

It doesn't mean I did the wrong thing, deep down I knew I was right. I was just grieving the earlier times when we were good together.

 

She sounds like she has given you a good reason for breaking up. I second the earlier poster in that she probably realises now that there is a world of people out there and she is young and should meet more people. And it's the same for you. You won't believe me now, but in a year or 5 years you will look back and be thankful you guys split up.

 

Yo need to go no contact. You are not doing that at the moment.

 

No contact is for you to move on. But if there is any chance she will come back then yeah, no contact makes it more likely. But don't do it for that. Even if she does come back it probably won't work out and yo will be in the same position down the road. Do it for you. You are so young, go out and live your life.

[Satu]

snip

The worst part is that I feel like I wouldn't be in this situation if I acted slightly different. It's on me.

 

It's never all one person.

 

Take responsibility for any mistakes you made, but don't take all the responsibility for the problems you had in the relationship.

 

It's partly her and partly you.

 

You're both decent people so nobody needs to punish themselves.

 

 

Take care.

[Chi townD]

She didn't give me a good reason at all. She says she said I'm incompatible with her. But we've been together for 3.5 years. Didn't she realize it earlier? And she said she still cares for me and she may regret this in the future and she needs to find her self. Before we dated she used to be overweight and didnt have much confidence. But after she lost weight, we began dating.

 

And she feels like she doesnt know who she really is ever since she lost weight . She jumped into a relationship right away.

 

But she did admit that in the beginning of the relationship she would have done anything for me and would love to spend time with me and would stand in front of a bus for me. She said she still loves me but its different.

 

Another issue is that her parents have a horrible relationship and her mom hates her marriage and i feel like she projects it on to her. My gf constantly gets told by her mom that make sure youre with the right guy. And i feel like she fears that since I'm different from her...I'm not the right guy. But she doesnt realize that no one will be the exact same as you.

 

I honestly feel like she's freaking out. She literally texted me for days before I met her that night she wanted to break up and said she loved me. She really blows small things up. And the main quality she feels like is different is that I'm not as social as she is. And she doesnt realize that I can change that because I know I need to.

 

So the issues I think that are in her head:

 

1) Parent's unsuccesful marriage - Differences in personality = future misery

2) No longer in the honeymoon phase = No longer loves me

 

Everything else I feel like is connected to the reasons above.

 

 

I have a different spin on this.

 

 

I've seen this before. A girl losses a lot of weight and boys start to notice her again and she likes the attention.

 

 

She says she loves you but it's different. That's the same as "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech. Which usually means that there's another guy in the picture.

 

 

You also stated that she texts guys a lot (but they're friends). Somehow I have a feeling that one of them just isn't a "friend" anymore.

 

 

Dude, I have a feeling she's interested in someone else. Sorry dude.

[Satu]

From an old journal:

 

 

"No contact is about two things, and two things only:

 

 

1. It protects you from further hurt.

 

2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex.

 

 

Thats all it is, and all it does."

 

 

 

No contact in itself doesn't heal you.

 

It creates a setting in which you can heal yourself by other means.

[nsg1122]

I have a different spin on this.

 

 

I've seen this before. A girl losses a lot of weight and boys start to notice her again and she likes the attention.

 

 

She says she loves you but it's different. That's the same as "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech. Which usually means that there's another guy in the picture.

 

 

You also stated that she texts guys a lot (but they're friends). Somehow I have a feeling that one of them just isn't a "friend" anymore.

 

 

Dude, I have a feeling she's interested in someone else. Sorry dude.

 

Hey I worried about this too. But would love your opinion if I added some clarifying points.

 

1) She lost weight three years ago before we started dating. But I was the first person to date her after she lost weight.

 

2) She has known this guy since August. And he's part of a friend group. And she's told one of her close friends that I thought something was going on between them and they laughted it off...I honestly trust her.

 

3) If she was interested I'm assuming she would have started going the gym and acting differently but she never did

 

4) When push came to shove, she was even willing to stop talking to him if it was causing me such unease...I didnt

 

5) When were breaking up I asked if there was another guy (I know she could have lied to make it easy on me) but she said "No. And if anything, she wants the opposite, she wants be alone"

 

6) Many times, she tried to prove nothing was going on by leaving her phone beside me and telling me I could check it (Honestly this was the beginning of the end I believe - I became so insecure)

 

Still think its this guy?

[DarkHorizon]

Hey I worried about this too. But would love your opinion if I added some clarifying points.

 

1) She lost weight three years ago before we started dating. But I was the first person to date her after she lost weight.

 

2) She has known this guy since August. And he's part of a friend group. And she's told one of her close friends that I thought something was going on between them and they laughted it off...I honestly trust her.

 

3) If she was interested I'm assuming she would have started going the gym and acting differently but she never did

 

4) When push came to shove, she was even willing to stop talking to him if it was causing me such unease...I didnt

 

5) When were breaking up I asked if there was another guy (I know she could have lied to make it easy on me) but she said "No. And if anything, she wants the opposite, she wants be alone"

 

6) Many times, she tried to prove nothing was going on by leaving her phone beside me and telling me I could check it (Honestly this was the beginning of the end I believe - I became so insecure)

 

Still think its this guy?

 

I experienced the exact scenarios described on your points 2, 4, 5, and 6.

Yes, she was cheating on me.