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Relationship of 3 years...3 months not seen her


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Hi I'll just give you an overview of the relationship me and my ex had. We were both 18 when we met and are now coming to 22 and have just passed the three year mark in September.

 

I cannot put a pinpoint on what went wrong or anything and have a few reasons I've come up with in the time we have spent apart . Firstly it all started to turn a little bit sour like the tiniest bit in august when i decided that I was no longer happy within my job and wanted to pursue a different job with a better environment and has better work life balance to suit us both and potentially a future career perspect. Now this seems to have come across that my ex says I'm destined for 'great things' and you need to do what you have always wanted to do. Is she thinking that I cannot do it with her by myside? And she has self destruct it for me.

 

We got too much into each other and we literally let our life's resolve another the other person?

 

Other potential reasons come to the fact that she says she has to find herself, now she has never had much of a career ambition like this is what I want to do sort of thing. And has fell into a job which is may in the future get a management but she wouldn't pursue the course to do it after I even said go for it.

 

Another potential things she has said is that she cannot give me what I want right now, that she still loves me but is not really in love anymore and you never know what the future may hold when we are different people.

 

Anyway there is no point in digging up old graves or old relationships, and if it does turn out we both suddenly want to try. It's gotta be something new.

 

Other things that seem weird was we was planning for stuff like Xmas and things like that so surely if she was 100 per cent against me you would avoid topics like these. She evn got presents for my sister and even was saying about she has told her parents to get me this ect. But she actually indicated them which seems weird.

 

I went NC for a month after and tried got in contact in December, we chatted for three weeks up until Xmas, she would reply and then would wait a few days to text back like 3 to 4 days just talking about things nothing regarding me or her. Then Xmas came along she sent a message hoping I had a good Xmas, I replied with the same. Then she texted on my birthday five days later with a similar message and I texted back but had no response from it. Now ita been another month with nothing from her. I don't know what to do, I'd like for us to have another go but I'm not sure what to do, I think she needs to do the leg work if she wants me. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, I miss her most days but should I just give up hope now?

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she says she has to find herself

 

she has said is that she cannot give me what I want right now, that she still loves me but is not really in love anymore and you never know what the future may hold when we are different people.

 

Yes, definitely move on. It is over.

 

All those words are repeated over and over in these situations, as you can see them all over these boards. That initial text conversation - breadcrumbs, really - was just an attempt to minimize pain, but most likely she realized that it doesn't quote work... so she just decided to stop. Stay NC, and resume your healing process.

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Sorry you're going through this. I know it's painful. Did you guys ever have an official break-up conversation or did NC just kind of happen naturally?

 

I'm a big believer in getting everything out into the open. Personally, I don't think I could just let a girl you have this kind of history with go without letting her know, matter of factly, how you feel about her. If she wants to break up with you, then let her say it. There won't be any doubt and you'll be free to move on but it sounds like you would have to initiate that convo.

 

The other option is you can stay NC and see if she comes back around. You will guard your emotions a little more with this approach, but you may not ever really get over the 'what if' question.

 

Good luck. One thing I know for sure, your best days are ahead of you. Hang in there, bro.

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We sort of had oneIts messsed up a bit, it was like the end of September she started acting weird , she sent me a message regarding that she was feeling down and i went yo her house after around 2hrs of talking we settled things and agreed to work at things. Then the month was great and everything seemed fine, then around 28th October we had a night of a show and she stopped at mine. In the morning i gave her a gift and we had a week off together in the next week. But she then said we need to talk and she left basically saying she wanted to end things . I texted her a few days later and we met for half an hour and thats where i gathered the possible reasons in post 1.

 

 

Im just not sure what to do, i initiatived contact back in December after a month of nothing between the both of us. Lead to texting, for 3 weeks, she would reply but sometimes not for days. She texted xmas and b day. But she has never contacted me, and thats gonna be 2 months end of Feb NC.

 

 

I would love to rekindle things but im afraid she doesn't as she hasnt even given any hints. I wanna speak to her but im afraid of it going wrong and not the way i want it to. I miss her everyday, but i know ive got to move on if i have to.

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We sort of had oneIts messsed up a bit, it was like the end of September she started acting weird , she sent me a message regarding that she was feeling down and i went yo her house after around 2hrs of talking we settled things and agreed to work at things. Then the month was great and everything seemed fine, then around 28th October we had a night of a show and she stopped at mine. In the morning i gave her a gift and we had a week off together in the next week. But she then said we need to talk and she left basically saying she wanted to end things . I texted her a few days later and we met for half an hour and thats where i gathered the possible reasons in post 1.

 

 

Im just not sure what to do, i initiatived contact back in December after a month of nothing between the both of us. Lead to texting, for 3 weeks, she would reply but sometimes not for days. She texted xmas and b day. But she has never contacted me, and thats gonna be 2 months end of Feb NC.

 

I would love to rekindle things but im afraid she doesn't as she hasnt even given any hints. I wanna speak to her but im afraid of it going wrong and not the way i want it to. I miss her everyday, but i know ive got to move on if i have to.

 

I know it hurts, but I think it's safe to say that if she hasn't reached out by now,

she's moving on.

 

I don't think your career ambitions were the reason she ended it. In fact, she told you she wasn't in love anymore. Her feelings changed, you two drifted. It's sad but pretty normal for people who got together young. I was in her position once too, right around her age. I loved and cared for my then-boyfriend but knew I wasn't romantically in love anymore. This doesn't mean you did something wrong; it doesn't mean you could have changed the destiny of this relationship. Most of these young loves simply don't last because we grow and change as people, are curious about life out there beyond the relationship.

 

Stay No Contact. I'm a big believer that our previous relationships prepare us for better future relationships. The best is yet to come for you, OP!

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I just don't get the concept of someone being in love with someone and then at a flick of a switch or over time loosing interest.

 

But I'm just gonna assume that it's over now and that I will never get to see or speak to her again. Maybe in the future, we can rekindle things but only time and faith will tell.

 

It's just awful, never been in so much pain mentally in all my life. It's like she doesn't care anymore and how she can do what she is done is beyond me. She is very strong in deed, never in a million years did I think she had this in her.

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I didn't have to read your story. Move on. Focus on you. Build the best life possible. Find a better girl down the line. No contact. Forget her. 7 billion people in the world. Best of luck my friend.

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I just don't get the concept of someone being in love with someone and then at a flick of a switch or over time loosing interest.

 

But I'm just gonna assume that it's over now and that I will never get to see or speak to her again. Maybe in the future, we can rekindle things but only time and faith will tell.

 

It's just awful, never been in so much pain mentally in all my life. It's like she doesn't care anymore and how she can do what she is done is beyond me. She is very strong in deed, never in a million years did I think she had this in her.

 

 

It's not a switch. She slowly lost feelings and was detaching...you just didn't notice and you probably felt blind sided.

 

It does hurt. It will hurt for quite some time. It's up to you to move on. There's no rekindle. It is over. Once you heal and improve yourself you won't care. Take her off the pedestal. Do you!

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I just don't get the concept of someone being in love with someone and then at a flick of a switch or over time loosing interest.

 

But I'm just gonna assume that it's over now and that I will never get to see or speak to her again. Maybe in the future, we can rekindle things but only time and faith will tell.

 

It's just awful, never been in so much pain mentally in all my life. It's like she doesn't care anymore and how she can do what she is done is beyond me. She is very strong in deed, never in a million years did I think she had this in her.

 

This is the significant factor here. It's isn't at the flip of a switch. It's usually a slow process that sometimes even the dumper isn't totally aware of at first.

 

They might assume they're just feeling kind of down. Maybe a bit bored in the relationship. But over time, they realize they're just growing apart from their partner. They don't feel that same excitement anymore and are curious about other people. The falling-out-of-love process is gradual, speaking from personal experience.

 

This is more typical, I believe, for young people. They haven't dated around much and aren't fully mature yet. They are still curious about new experiences. A lot of young people do feel that urge to sow theirs oat, so to speak. They're still figuring themselves out and some come to the realization that they can't stay in their current relationships.

 

It probably isn't anything you did or didn't do, OP. I know that's not much help now, but over time you too might see that you weren't right for each other anymore either.

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yeah dude . youre drawing straws here i think . just like i did a few months ago ...

 

I used to ask so many questions ... WHY WHY WHY ... i hate to break it to you will probably never find the real reason why she left .

 

Take this as a blessing in disguise . you WILL find someone new ...

 

ive been thru many relationships myself and time DOES heal you. You need to go strict no contact ( no social media stalking ) , and work on yourself ...

 

Ask yourself this ; is she moping , worrying , wondering about you ? probbably not ... she is also probably into someone else ( which is why I responded to you )

 

The chances are she left is she wants to experience new things with other people . It hurts but its true. Its like a slap in the face . Even I COULDNT BELIEVE SOMOENE HAD THE NERVE TO CHEAT ON ME.

 

Acceptance bro . This is a life lesson ....

Youll be fine

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( no social media stalking )

 

This is something I highly stress. For a week after we broke up, I would stalk my ex's profile, but I realized that it was only hurting me in the end. I recommend unfriending her on everything. No twitter/IG/FB. If you can't control your urges, un-follow all her friends and unfriend her. I never get updates from her or her friends anymore. It helps you SOO much! I'm in week 5 of NC and while I still have my moments like today (v-day) where I think about her, but controlling your impulse to check up on her will help you a ton! Just keep busy and stay NC. Be with your friends and start new hobbies. I started rock climbing so that's keeping me sane and kicking my butt at the same time haha.

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Your ex gf sounds a little a lot like my ex boyfriend so I totally understand you. In fact our situations are similar. I'm 18 and my ex was 20. He said so many things that there wasn't really "one thing" that broke us up. He did speak of what would happen if we met other people and stuff like that. However if he initially said he "didn't feel the same as I do" which is ironic since we continued talking 4 months after and he flirted with me a lot -_-

I'm not sure if I'm in position to give advice as I'm here seeking advice as well but I know that blocking and remaining silent had helped me as a person. It's only been a month since I blocked him from Facebook/ IG and I miss him but it's made a silent statement and prevented me from getting mixed up in his uncertainty. I guess this is advice I should be taking myself but for now it's best to remain silent.

I also have no idea how people's switch like that either it's sad :(

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Thanks for the kind words from every body here. I think if anyone is going to contact its got to be her from now on. I'm going to assume it's not gonna happen so that I can try and move on. It's difficult as she is constantly in my head every day. I literally have to think of this as this person has died, which metaphorically has as that person would have never done to me. I honestly cannot believe it. But if sure I'll find my way even if it does take a while. Maybe even a year.

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I literally have to think of this as this person has died, which metaphorically has as that person would have never done to me.

 

Absolutely. That IS the best way to approach NC.

Interestingly, when someone actually dies, the process can be easier, simply because there is no second guessing, wondering, or questioning about chances of getting back together. Final means final.

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Absolutely dark, it is a lot easier as there is no what ifs or I could just call you up right now if I wanted to. But she is dead to me for the time being, she will only come alive if she ever comes back to me.

 

That being said, from November I have been coasting in my life. When I broke up, I started a new job which is great but ita bot what I've always wanted to do. So I'm going to now focus myself on my career and that's to become a paramedic no matter what it takes I'm gonna get there. If I fail ita just progress. I'm looking to do some volunteer work abroad in the summer and go on my first lads holiday too. I'm working on my fitness too, going gym three times a week and looking to do physical challenges in spring. I'm not letting some girl rule my life, I'm better than that. For everyone who's been through those ****, you are a better person ita just a learning curve.

 

Of course I'm afraid I'll never meet someone like her again. If anyone would knew us we could have got married we where so alike. But sometimes it just doesn't work the way you want to and I am now on a new path.

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I just don't get the concept of someone being in love with someone and then at a flick of a switch or over time loosing interest.

 

 

For a long time I didn't get that either, he said he loved me so why has it all gone pear shaped? But that is exactly what happens.

Love, in most cases, is NOT forever.

People fall in love and fall out of love every day.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Moving punch

Still finding this a constant struggle every day, but I'm working on things I think it's gonna take me a while to get myself back on track again. This has hit me like a train, but I will pick myself back up. I won't let this destroy me. I'm still at the stage of if I could trade anything to go back to the way things was I would. I just miss her company, and all the things we did together as we were best friends too as well as a great couple. But what can I do?

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Young immature love doesn't last because it's not REAL love. Real love is eternal. All this young people want to experience things left and right. Nothing wrong with that but I think if this is you, then wait till 30 to start real relationships. In the meantime just date. It's not fair to some who are young and mature to have to go through such process because others want new experiences. Sadly but true I think at this point I rather date guys 5-10 years older than me. They are more in sync with real love as I would hope they have more experiences. Inexperienced = DISASTER

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This is the significant factor here. It's isn't at the flip of a switch. It's usually a slow process that sometimes even the dumper isn't totally aware of at first.

 

They might assume they're just feeling kind of down. Maybe a bit bored in the relationship. But over time, they realize they're just growing apart from their partner. They don't feel that same excitement anymore and are curious about other people. The falling-out-of-love process is gradual, speaking from personal experience.

 

This is more typical, I believe, for young people. They haven't dated around much and aren't fully mature yet. They are still curious about new experiences. A lot of young people do feel that urge to sow theirs oat, so to speak. They're still figuring themselves out and some come to the realization that they can't stay in their current relationships.

 

It probably isn't anything you did or didn't do, OP. I know that's not much help now, but over time you too might see that you weren't right for each other anymore either.

 

Agree but if you haven't figured yourself out, being in a commited relationship IS NOT FOR YOU. Real love and commitment takes much more than love. So to be honest this was not real love to begin with.

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Still finding this a constant struggle every day, but I'm working on things I think it's gonna take me a while to get myself back on track again. This has hit me like a train, but I will pick myself back up. I won't let this destroy me. I'm still at the stage of if I could trade anything to go back to the way things was I would. I just miss her company, and all the things we did together as we were best friends too as well as a great couple. But what can I do?

 

Honestly dude. Forget her. She probably has a new boyfriend. These people who "fall out of love" usually have their next person lined up and ready to go by the time they dump you. They need that excitement and again and see how it works with someone else.

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Moving punch

When we last was with each other in person, she told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship. I've not heard anything about her with other girls and she ain't the type to go actively seek guys anyway. But who knows I've bot heard anything from her since January. It's her birthday in April so I will have to send a message, if she does reply it will only be short and cold like she has been, doubt she will actively seek out. It's just so hurtful how she goes from madly in love with me, to it going and the aftermath being just brutal. She contacted me in December for my birthday I sent one back but then nothing. I'm scared I won't meet anyone else.

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Moving punch

Had a dream about her last night, not the first one since the break up. Probably about the 5th or 6th one. Had two in the past 2 weeks, one the week before started with me kissing her, she liked it but said she cannot do this. And it ended like that, and the one last night in my speaking to her again and finally getting back together. All of them have been about me and her getting back together, that's how much its in my mind. Just have to keep fighting it I suppose, it's a tough battle this is seems like it's going nowhere fast. Actually tried talking to an girl from my secondary school, went well but she wasn't too talkative which I took as a bad sign. Maybe I just expect too much

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Moving punch

Okay guys need your help

 

It's her birthday tomorrow, do I wish her happy birthday? If so any help on how to word it? Text or phone call?

 

She did wish me happy birthday at the end of December via text. I replied and that was it for us talking. Not heard anything from hee since, so that's 3 months.

 

Unsure of what I should do? I don't expect anything to come of it if I text her or call anyway.

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Okay guys need your help

 

It's her birthday tomorrow, do I wish her happy birthday? If so any help on how to word it? Text or phone call?

 

She did wish me happy birthday at the end of December via text. I replied and that was it for us talking. Not heard anything from hee since, so that's 3 months.

 

Unsure of what I should do? I don't expect anything to come of it if I text her or call anyway.

 

Don't wish her a happy birthday. She's not your girlfriend, she's not your friend, you have to think of it as if she died remember? Well you don't text dead people to wish them a happy birthday.

 

There's zero benefit to wishing her a happy birthday. Like you said, you don't expect anything to come of it, so why bother? She wanted you out of her life, so stick to that.

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Don't, not unless you want to feel like a train wreck again. You will go back to square one and you have to pick your pieces again. And then she will leave you again.

 

Don't be afraid that you won't see someone else again. Go out, find something to do, get to know new people. I'm sure you're able to meet another wonderful woman to share your life with.

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