daphs Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Hi, I wanted a little advice on how to cope with my relationship drama. I've been dating a man for 6 months, who moved from a different continent to be with me and open a business together after a year of long distance. Everything went fantastic for a while, until about 2 months ago... when I said I loved him, and he said he didn't, but he didn't wanted to lose me so he wanted time. I decided to give it to him but things quickly started to go downhill, I started to get act jealous and very hurt because I felt like I'd given him everything I could give a man, and he didn't appreciated me, we started fighting. Still... we decided to stay together because we really made each other happy, and as it turns out, whenever he had a bit too drink, he couldn't shut up about how much he loved me. The holidays came and his family came over, they adored me straight away, his family spent xmas with mine and all was wonderful again, until he went on a mini holiday with his brother and a bunch of friends... He came back saying he doesn't love me, but doesn't want to lose me either, he said he never cheated on me while away, but he did thought about it seeing his friends sleep with a different woman every night. So he wants to see other women but still date me, and he's ok with me dating other men too. He wants to know just how much he feels for me, and space to be on his own again. I am extremely upset and confused, I am very much in love with him, and I don't want to lose him... but I'd be going crazy knowing he's been sleeping with other women... Any advice would be very much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 He's just using you. No matter what you do, this cannot be made to work. Save yourself a lot of heartache by ending it now. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Brando Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 He's just using you. No matter what you do, this cannot be made to work. Save yourself a lot of heartache by ending it now. This is correct ^^ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 He's a damn selfish fool. Give him the freedom he so desires...but don't be weak and sleep with him again. You'll only hurt yourself more. Give your best self to someone who reciprocates your feelings. Not some numbskull looking at the grass in the neighbor's yard instead of watering his own. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
louxor Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 This is an extremely selfish thing for him to do. He wants to have his cake and eat it too - essentially meaning: he wants you as the backup plan if things don't work out the way he wants it to. However, if he finds someone new who he likes enough, I can guarantee he'll be out of your life in a second. I've seen this happen too often, and the results for the person who didn't initiate the so-called 'break' are usually horrible. They accept the terms because they still love this person and don't want to lose them, while the other person is now allowed to run off and do as they please with no consequence, because they have been told it is okay, even though deep down it's not. Even if the person does come back, how can that trust ever be re-established? How can you shake that feeling that they may run off again at the drop of a hat? How can you fully accept them back when you know they may have been with other people because you got boring? My two cents: Breaks NEVER work. You're either in, or you're out. You either want to be with me, or you don't. There's no middle ground, simple as that. If you truly love someone, the thought of being with someone else won't even come close to crossing your mind, that is why I have said what I have about his true intentions. I refuse to be someone's second or their backup plan, I know without a doubt I am better than that, and you need to know that too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 If the business you own together is profitable and you can stand to be around him, continue to operate it but have no more romantic involvement. Otherwise have him buy you out & move on romantically and professionally. If he won't buy you out & you can't sell to someone else, dissolve the business & move on but don't stay where you are longing to be with a man who doesn't want you. Link to post Share on other sites
bigbaby Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Yes, he does want to keep his security while he searches for someone he likes better. I would get rid of him immediately. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
louxor Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I disappeared because what I had was "new and exciting." Even after I left her I tried hard to "keep her on the line." It was an ego things. I had a fallback option and when I saw her moving on I went crazy and tried to tell her not to do it and maybe we can work things out. I knew I didn't want her, but I certainly didn't want someone else to have my safety net!!! I just read this in another thread Brando posted about his experiences with previous ex's. The above is about an ex who he dumped so he could be with another woman who had come into his life. I think this is a strong reflection of the guy in your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daphs Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Thank you everyone for your replies, after much thought and probably out of sheer exhaustion I decided to break it off for good, he still wanted to have some sort of open relationship and I'm simply not ok with that. A friend of his contacted me to tell me he was doing very bad, but definitely wasn't ready to keep the relationship going in an exclusive way. So, here I am again, broken up with, even if I took the final step this time, is the only option he left me with. I feel so horribly bad, I feel like I did absolutely everything I could to make the relationship a happy one, he himself has told me I did everything great and has nothing bad to say about me, and still I'm alone again, after pouring my heart into another man, AGAIN. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DarkHorizon Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Daphs, you did the right thing. No doubt about it. If you are feeling horrible now - which we know you are - imagine how much worse it would be if you stayed in that relationship or accepted his selfish terms. You just rescued yourself from a disastrous scenario. We are here for you. Read, write, comment... you'll see that these threads can really help you. Now you have to stick to your decision and time will take care of the rest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daphs Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Thank you. It's been hard, I've been in bed for two days and I hate being so weak, the relationship overall lasted about 15 months and I was stupidly happy. Now I'm trying to figure out how about to go NC, because we own a business together, I do not want him to buy me out, it's a successful business that I love and want to keep going, I also know it means a lot to him as it was his life dream. Fortunately I only have to go in once a week, but still makes NC tricky. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daphs Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 Why do I listen to my friends ? A good girlfriend of mine convinced me that I needed to meet new people and that I should get on Tinder... Just guess who I ran into there?!? He's using tinder on the iPhone 6s I bought him as a Christmas present!!! 3 days after we broke up!!! THREE DAYS!!!! Just the cherry on top of a steaming pile of crap that was my day. Link to post Share on other sites
louxor Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Why do I listen to my friends ? A good girlfriend of mine convinced me that I needed to meet new people and that I should get on Tinder... Just guess who I ran into there?!? He's using tinder on the iPhone 6s I bought him as a Christmas present!!! 3 days after we broke up!!! THREE DAYS!!!! Just the cherry on top of a steaming pile of crap that was my day. Lesson learned - Delete the app! Looking at it this way might help: You already knew he was wanting to see other women right? So in the scheme of things, seeing him on tinder after he's told you that really isn't anything new to you when you think about it. How was your day going besides this hiccup? Link to post Share on other sites
Author daphs Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 App deleted, it broke my heart all over again. He's been unfriended on Facebook as well. I also found out yesterday he's been partying hard since we broke up, not working at all, and apparently doing coke or trying to get some. Oh joy. Link to post Share on other sites
louxor Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 App deleted, it broke my heart all over again. He's been unfriended on Facebook as well. Good on you! It hurts hard now but it is worth it in the longhaul when you avoid all these little triggers that set you back. I also found out yesterday he's been partying hard since we broke up, not working at all, and apparently doing coke or trying to get some. Oh joy. My advice for this, polietly ask the person/people who are feeding you this information to stop. Knowing what he is up to right now will only set you back and give you more to worry about Link to post Share on other sites
Author daphs Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Thank you. It's a real roller coaster, two days ago I was furious, today I'm just so incredibly sad. I read up some of our text conversations from a while back, and it was just so perfect, I was so so so happy and so in love, he seemed the same, telling me he wanted to be the perfect boyfriend, that he would do anything just to make me happy... I don't know how it got to this point, but I genuinely think it was my fault, I messed it up with my jealous behavior. I know everyone says it'll get better, and I know it will, but I just want it back to the way it used to, it was so perfect, I still love him so much it's unbearable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daphs Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 So my ex messaged me yesterday, I've been in NC for about 1 week, but he messaged me yesterday to let me know he was going sober for the sake of our business... He said he is falling apart with the guilt of breaking up and hurting me, and he's been basically drunk every day since the day of the breakup. He said he still felt the breakup was the right thing to do, but he's struggling with it. Also made it a point to tell me he hasn't been with anyone 'I swear that to you', even though I didn't ask. I answered politely that his sex life was none of my business but it was good he was going sober, for his own good. Good response? Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
louxor Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 So my ex messaged me yesterday, I've been in NC for about 1 week, but he messaged me yesterday to let me know he was going sober for the sake of our business... He said he is falling apart with the guilt of breaking up and hurting me, and he's been basically drunk every day since the day of the breakup. He said he still felt the breakup was the right thing to do, but he's struggling with it. Also made it a point to tell me he hasn't been with anyone 'I swear that to you', even though I didn't ask. I answered politely that his sex life was none of my business but it was good he was going sober, for his own good. Good response? Thoughts? Great response - You addressed the only point that really mattered out of what he said, being the going sober for the sake of your business, and ignored/passed on the rest. It almost seems like he was using it as a way to try and get some pity from you so he feels better - Good on you for not giving him that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author daphs Posted February 14, 2016 Author Share Posted February 14, 2016 Great response - You addressed the only point that really mattered out of what he said, being the going sober for the sake of your business, and ignored/passed on the rest. It almost seems like he was using it as a way to try and get some pity from you so he feels better - Good on you for not giving him that! Thank you, but I think I messed things up today... I went into work today and to my surprise a guy I matched on tinder on those brief hours I had it, showed up to ask me to have coffee with him, I thought it couldn't hurt and he seemed nice, so I went, had coffee for an hour and he walked me back. When we got back my ex was sitting there, and stormed off... The guy left and minutes back my ex came back asking how my date was, he felt extremely disrespected, manipulated and yes jealous... I said I didn't understand what his problem was, he dumped me, but he was livid at me, saying I was trying to manipulate him into getting back with me. I honestly didn't do it for those reasons, and the whole time the guy kept talking to me about his recent ex and I about mine... Link to post Share on other sites
louxor Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Thank you, but I think I messed things up today... I went into work today and to my surprise a guy I matched on tinder on those brief hours I had it, showed up to ask me to have coffee with him, I thought it couldn't hurt and he seemed nice, so I went, had coffee for an hour and he walked me back. When we got back my ex was sitting there, and stormed off... The guy left and minutes back my ex came back asking how my date was, he felt extremely disrespected, manipulated and yes jealous... I said I didn't understand what his problem was, he dumped me, but he was livid at me, saying I was trying to manipulate him into getting back with me. I honestly didn't do it for those reasons, and the whole time the guy kept talking to me about his recent ex and I about mine... For starters your ex was completely out of place - what you said was absolutely correct, and he was being extremely selfish. Basically he was saying "I don't want you but you're not allowed to try and move on and find someone else because it makes my ego hurt"...pathetic childish behaviour, right? AND then he has the audacity to state that you're just doing it to make him jealous?!?! Like come on, what a little self-absorbed sook. As for the date, the fact that you both just kept talking about your ex's for the majority of the time rings a bell to me, because it shows that you are both not ready to move on so I'd be careful if you were going to pursue this guy any further. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 I know it is difficult, but your focus needs to be on your business here. Losing a thriving business due to some guy who just wants to play the field, is nonsensical, get into survival mode and make sure your business doesn't go down the tube, even if your relationship has. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daphs Posted February 14, 2016 Author Share Posted February 14, 2016 As for the date, the fact that you both just kept talking about your ex's for the majority of the time rings a bell to me, because it shows that you are both not ready to move on so I'd be careful if you were going to pursue this guy any further. Yeah I know for a fact I'm not ready to date yet, that's why I'm not really pursuing anything, and was so surprised when he showed up. I must admit it was a little satisfying seeing my ex that way, when said he didn't cared if I dated others, that he never gets jealous of anyone, it hurt me a lot, like I meant nothing... But he said he was gonna smash his face in, 'Italian f***er'... Lol Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Thank you, but I think I messed things up today... I went into work today and to my surprise a guy I matched on tinder on those brief hours I had it, showed up to ask me to have coffee with him, I thought it couldn't hurt and he seemed nice, so I went, had coffee for an hour and he walked me back. When we got back my ex was sitting there, and stormed off... The guy left and minutes back my ex came back asking how my date was, he felt extremely disrespected, manipulated and yes jealous... I said I didn't understand what his problem was, he dumped me, but he was livid at me, saying I was trying to manipulate him into getting back with me. I honestly didn't do it for those reasons, and the whole time the guy kept talking to me about his recent ex and I about mine... You might not be able to work together if things are this emotional. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Thank you. It's a real roller coaster, two days ago I was furious, today I'm just so incredibly sad. I read up some of our text conversations from a while back, and it was just so perfect, I was so so so happy and so in love, he seemed the same, telling me he wanted to be the perfect boyfriend, that he would do anything just to make me happy... I don't know how it got to this point, but I genuinely think it was my fault, I messed it up with my jealous behavior. I know everyone says it'll get better, and I know it will, but I just want it back to the way it used to, it was so perfect, I still love him so much it's unbearable. The truth is that he didn't love you and didn't want to commit to you. YOU were in love and thought things were perfect. He never loved you and told you straight up that he didn't on more than one occasion. You made this relationship into something it wasn't. This is where the disconnect is coming in. Look, most of us have been there and done that. We've only taken the positives into account when the red flags are right there, plain as day. It's tough to get over something when you have to get honest with yourself about what was real and what was fake. He's also acting like a petulant and spoiled child because you left him. It's a pride issue. He's not acting like this out of any genuine concern for you or a desire to rekindle the relationship. He wants a FWB, and it's a huge blow to a man's ego when you won't give him that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daphs Posted February 14, 2016 Author Share Posted February 14, 2016 The truth is that he didn't love you and didn't want to commit to you. YOU were in love and thought things were perfect. He never loved you and told you straight up that he didn't on more than one occasion. You know, those are hard words to read, but I'm coming to the realization that it's the only truth that really matters. yes he did told me he didn't loved me in these last few weeks, but he did in the past and I was holding on to that. Im trying to understand why I do these things to myself, I fall in love and throw everything and the kitchen sink into it, I don't just give it my best, I give it all and more, and yet I never get that reward back, never get my own happy ending while everyone else seems to with a lot less effort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts