My Blindsided break up... Thoughts?

[Shiggs]

So hey all, just wanted to share my story, and let me know what you guys think about the reasons for the break up. Sorry if it's a long post. Just explaining some backstory first.

 

My ex and I dated for 3 years. It was a very strong relationship and we almost never fought and even if we did, we reconciled very quickly. She broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. She's 21, I'm 23. She's in her senior year of college and I'm starting grad school in the fall after working in the same city as her(unknown what school yet). She just returned from a 6 month study abroad trip that absolutely changed her life. Like she fell in love with the culture and was devastated when she came back. I sometimes fear that living that life over there changed her into having the GiGs syndrome.

 

During the study abroad, we had a hard time communicating frequently due to her crappy wifi signals, but we were able to skype about once a week and honestly, I felt that our long distance relationship was going pretty well. She however almost couldn't do it as she's a very needy kinda person and stated to me that she could never do long distance again after this experience. I completely trust that nothing happened with another guy. I highly doubt this is the reason for the break up so please don't just say cause she cheated on me and is feeling guilty or something.

 

As soon as she got back state side, I started to notice that she seemed more distant and was avoiding intimacy. It's almost like we had forgotten how to be together after being apart so long. I figure she was having a severe case of reverse culture shock and her life home after abroad really sucked. I kinda took it personally and got upset and got in a fight with her which ultimately lead to her asking for space. I was kinda needy at first as I had no idea what this meant for us and panicked. I researched all over Loveshack on what to do and ultimately gave her space, responding every now and then, keeping it as low contact as possible (almost NC).

 

Fast forward a month to when she was back in college and we chose to meet each other to talk about her space. She told me that she loved me and I was the man of her life, but she needed to focus on herself right now as she was concerned about her future (she's applying to med schools in the summer). She said she loves me but wasn't in love with me anymore (corny right?). She said that because she couldn't focus on a relationship 100% that it's not worth even trying to make it work. She said that in the past, she was the kind of person that devoted as much of her time outside of college towards the relationship, and since being abroad, she realized that she didn't want to be that kind of person anymore. I was super mad at this because normal couples don't focus everything on the relationship.. We focus on ourselves, and our friends and other things in our lives.. That's what I did, isn't that what she was supposed to be doing too? I found this whole reasoning extremely hurtful as I was not expecting this at all. It just seemed so immature for her to say something like that. Like what kind of excuse is that? You're not even going to try and work this out? She asked to be friends, but I absolutely refused and left, never contacting her again. I know this might sound narcissistic, but I really was the best thing that happened to her, best BF, best everything, and that's why it sucks so much that this is how it turned out in the end. Like I did nothing wrong but this still ended up happening to me? Maybe people just fall out of love for no reason? I don't know..

 

Since then, it's been 3 weeks of NC, and I'm starting to feel better. I saw her once at a local college bar for trivia night close to where I work, and I just ignored her and focused on my friends and having fun with them. She texted me later that week stating why I wasn't at another event that week (karaoke night). I ignored that as well.

 

I'm on my 4th week of NC and just thought I'd write this to know what you guys think is the reason she broke it off. Personally I think that she's not ready for the uncertainty coming up in our lives and decided to break it off before she had to deal with what was inevitable when we go our separate ways in the future. I think she foresaw that if she could keep me as friends during this last semester of college here, she could try to have the cake and eat it too? Who knows? I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, but should I even do that? She didn't want to do long distance again.

 

I'm having spells where I'm feeling better and ones where I just can't stop thinking about her (right now...) and I just want to move on and get better, so I thought I'd share my story instead of doing something stupid like texting her. This is my first serious relationship so I don't have any experience in this kinda thing which makes it scary sometimes. Sorry if this came off as a rant. I just miss her so much that sometimes it's just hard to move on, knowing that the once great relationship you had has come to an end over something I don't even understand. But it takes two to make a relationship. If she can't return the love, then I can't help but move on.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

The real reason she broke up with you is that she is no longer in love with you. I know that is hard to hear, but she wouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it. Sadly, feelings can change and no matter how perfect a boyfriend you might have been, it doesn't change how she feels.

 

I suspect that during her trip she began to enjoy her independence and the freedom to think about the future and everything she wants to do on her own. Coming back, things didn't feel the same. She couldn't go back to the way things were because she feels differently now.

 

Losing your first love is a devastating experience. You are right to stay no contact while you heal. Some days will hurt more than others, but you will get through it in time.

[Shiggs]

The real reason she broke up with you is that she is no longer in love with you. I know that is hard to hear, but she wouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it. Sadly, feelings can change and no matter how perfect a boyfriend you might have been, it doesn't change how she feels.

 

I suspect that during her trip she began to enjoy her independence and the freedom to think about the future and everything she wants to do on her own. Coming back, things didn't feel the same. She couldn't go back to the way things were because she feels differently now.

 

Losing your first love is a devastating experience. You are right to stay no contact while you heal. Some days will hurt more than others, but you will get through it in time.

 

You're right. I do believe she fell out of love with me. I just want closure I guess. Seems hard to get it so soon after a break up. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Closure is such a tricky thing. Sometimes your ex can't tell you what you want to hear to make it easier. You end up having to find it within yourself.

 

I know it is really hard right now, but I promise it will get easier.

 

Try and focus on positive distractions if you can.

[Shiggs]

Closure is such a tricky thing. Sometimes your ex can't tell you what you want to hear to make it easier. You end up having to find it within yourself.

 

I know it is really hard right now, but I promise it will get easier.

 

Try and focus on positive distractions if you can.

 

Thanks for the kind words. I'm just focusing on myself and trying to be the best version of myself possible.

[ExpatInItaly]

]The real reason she broke up with you is that she is no longer in love with you. I know that is hard to hear' date=' but she wouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it. Sadly, feelings can change and no matter how perfect a boyfriend you might have been, it doesn't change how she feels.[/b']

 

I suspect that during her trip she began to enjoy her independence and the freedom to think about the future and everything she wants to do on her own. Coming back, things didn't feel the same. She couldn't go back to the way things were because she feels differently now.

 

Losing your first love is a devastating experience. You are right to stay no contact while you heal. Some days will hurt more than others, but you will get through it in time.

 

Exactly. I am firm non-believer in "GIGS", as such. it's not some random illness that strikes and can thus be treated and cured. I think it was labeled "GIGS" because it helps take the sting away when one person just outgrows the relationship and falls out of love. Especially young people, who naturally want to explore their worlds and see what and who else is out there.

 

Closure won't come from her. It will come from you. You need plenty of time to reach that level where you feel detached, and you always have fond memories of her. But someday it won't hurt this much anymore. Stay No Contact and let yourself feel sad when needed. There will be ups and downs in the process, but you will get through it. Almost all of us have been in your shoes at some point, so we are proof you can move on too!

[Shiggs]

Thanks for all the answers. I just wanted to vent from this post, but I'm glad to hear your insight as well. I'm working on myself now and am keeping myself as busy as possible. I just had a realization today that I am single and I need to get back into that attitude ya know? It's kind of a relief to be honest. I don't have to worry about the responsibilities of a relationship and can 100% focus on me.

 

I totally understand the ups and downs in this process.. I'm definitely having an UP day today as opposed to last night haha, but I'll be fine in the long run. Just going to take time.

[jtc123]

As someone who is currently about where your girlfriend probably was pre-breakup...

 

I personally am about to break up with someone, not because they are a terrible person or a Horrible Alien Freak, or anything like that. The main problems are 1) I'm just not in love for several mostly intangible reasons, and 2) we are at incompatible stages in life.

 

It sounds like your situation was pretty similar. It just sucks when things don't work out for no obvious reason. Her not being in love with you is almost worse than if she had been cheating on you or something, because there's no clear-cut justification for the breakup. It just leaves sort of a void emotional gray-area.

 

On the flip side, remember that given your circumstances, her decision is not a reflection on your qualities as a human being, but more on the compatibility of you two. Keep your head up! I hope you feel better soon.

[FTM042014]

As someone who is currently about where your girlfriend probably was pre-breakup...

 

I personally am about to break up with someone, not because they are a terrible person or a Horrible Alien Freak, or anything like that. The main problems are 1) I'm just not in love for several mostly intangible reasons, and 2) we are at incompatible stages in life.

 

It sounds like your situation was pretty similar. It just sucks when things don't work out for no obvious reason. Her not being in love with you is almost worse than if she had been cheating on you or something, because there's no clear-cut justification for the breakup. It just leaves sort of a void emotional gray-area.

 

On the flip side, remember that given your circumstances, her decision is not a reflection on your qualities as a human being, but more on the compatibility of you two. Keep your head up! I hope you feel better soon.

 

I don't mean to sound accusatory so please don't take it that way. I am still trying to move on from a girl I thought was really into me, dumping for the very reasons you mentioned. Why ever make the guy think he could be the right one for you in the first place? Why allow it to go on so long and play the game? It seems to me that us guys know earlier on if we're sticking around and if we're not into it we split. Good guys anyway I'm not talking about a-holes. But women on the flip side seem to love those Oscar worthy performances that really don't help the situation when you dump him because he's left wondering why/how your feelings changed so suddenly. And then the reasons women give, in the same vain as what you're saying, just seem a bit small. It's like women are looking for this undefinable, forever honeymoon, giddy school girl feeling or something. It's very frustrating.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Thanks for all the answers. I just wanted to vent from this post, but I'm glad to hear your insight as well. I'm working on myself now and am keeping myself as busy as possible. I just had a realization today that I am single and I need to get back into that attitude ya know? It's kind of a relief to be honest. I don't have to worry about the responsibilities of a relationship and can 100% focus on me.

 

I totally understand the ups and downs in this process.. I'm definitely having an UP day today as opposed to last night haha, but I'll be fine in the long run. Just going to take time.

 

That's a really good attitude to have! It sounds like you're having a good day. This forum can be a good place to vent when you need it.

 

The single life can have certain advantages, especially being able to focus on your own needs for a while.

[Shiggs]

I don't mean to sound accusatory so please don't take it that way. I am still trying to move on from a girl I thought was really into me, dumping for the very reasons you mentioned. Why ever make the guy think he could be the right one for you in the first place? Why allow it to go on so long and play the game? It seems to me that us guys know earlier on if we're sticking around and if we're not into it we split. Good guys anyway I'm not talking about a-holes. But women on the flip side seem to love those Oscar worthy performances that really don't help the situation when you dump him because he's left wondering why/how your feelings changed so suddenly. And then the reasons women give, in the same vain as what you're saying, just seem a bit small. It's like women are looking for this undefinable, forever honeymoon, giddy school girl feeling or something. It's very frustrating.

 

In my case, I don't think the sudden change happened over night. Like since she's been abroad, and that whole experience changed her into a different person. From the talk we had before we broke up, I could see that she wasn't the same person I said goodbye to at the airport before she left. In my scenario, this trip changed her, and she couldn't return the feelings I had for her.

 

Damn it sucks that I'm trying to explain her case, but I'm accepting what happened and nothing I say to her can change how she feels because she's just not the same person anymore. She's not the person I fell in love with and just writing that out just now was just so hard to accept. I think in JTC's case, something similar might have happened where feelings just change, and they're not in the same place in life anymore to accept your love or your feelings. It doesn't just happen overnight. I know it sucks because I'm in your shoes, but I'm just going to stay positive and move on with my life without her and wish the same to you.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Shiggs
added more flow

[Kevin_D]

The funny thing is that many young people seem convinced that breaking up is the only option If you fall out of love, when it in fact should be The very last resort. Because people will always fall out of love. Dating a new person will always be more exciting than hanging out with our partner of 10 years.

 

But... It will happen over and over again. Then people start taking shortcuts, because they don't have The patience to get to know someone for years before moving in together. Then they jump between relationships. And one day, many realise that the first relationship was actually the best. It's so sad.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

That’s interesting. In my experience, people don’t regret breaking up with people they are no longer in love with. On the contrary, they say they did the right thing for themselves, as well as their ex, who they think deserves to be with someone who is truly in love with them.

 

Forcing two people to stay together when only one person has romantic feelings sounds problematic. When you meet the right person, you don’t fall out of love with them. The original poster seems to understand this, and isn’t going to settle for less and is going to focus on himself, which I admire.

 

Like many breakups it will be painful initially, but in long run he will be able to move on and find someone else who loves him with all their heart, which is exactly what he deserves.

[Kevin_D]

When you meet the right person, you don’t fall out of love with them. The original poster seems to understand this, and isn’t going to settle for less and is going to focus on himself, which I admire.

 

Sigh. A relationship requires hard work. There will be times when there's almost no attraction. There will be thoughts about dating other people.

 

The only thing that really matters in the end is that you are best friends. Because you know, when you're 90 years old and sitting in a wheelchair, attraction isn't that important anymore.

 

My ex girlfriend wanted to hang out with me all the time. I even had to encourage her to spend more time with her friends. So obviously she really enjoyed being with me. And yet she threw away 7 years just because she became madly in love with this other dude. So she basically called me one day to say "Sorry, it's over." and jumped straight to the other guy. And that's just sad and childish. Of course it didn't feel the same after 7 years. Of course he was more exciting. Sadly, many people, especially women, seem to believe that when you find true love, there will never be any obstacles and you will never have second thoughts.

 

Usually I hate quotes, but I really like this one:

 

A reporter asked the couple:

"How did you manage to stay together for 65 years?"

The woman replied:

"We were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away."

[FTM042014]

Sigh. A relationship requires hard work. There will be times when there's almost no attraction. There will be thoughts about dating other people.

 

The only thing that really matters in the end is that you are best friends. Because you know, when you're 90 years old and sitting in a wheelchair, attraction isn't that important anymore.

 

My ex girlfriend wanted to hang out with me all the time. I even had to encourage her to spend more time with her friends. So obviously she really enjoyed being with me. And yet she threw away 7 years just because she became madly in love with this other dude. So she basically called me one day to say "Sorry, it's over." and jumped straight to the other guy. And that's just sad and childish. Of course it didn't feel the same after 7 years. Of course he was more exciting. Sadly, many people, especially women, seem to believe that when you find true love, there will never be any obstacles and you will never have second thoughts.

 

Usually I hate quotes, but I really like this one:

 

A reporter asked the couple:

"How did you manage to stay together for 65 years?"

The woman replied:

"We were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away."

 

 

Dude. I can't like this enough. I think many women define attraction and feelings by superficial Hollywood standards. Life isn't like a romantic comedy. So in chasing this fleeting feeling they are looking for they jump from Mr. Right Now to Mr. Right Now. I recommend staying far away from these types of people. Because they will be over the moon for you one second and waxing philosophical about how you should find someone who wants you the next. Well why'd you put so much effort into conducting yourself as if you want him in the first place? It is a subtle form of using someone. So to the OP and any other guy with a similar situation cut all ties for sure because that is the kind of emotionally immature woman that will always think she can do better than Mr. Right Now. And every current flame will be " the best". You can't win.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Of course relationships require hard work and commitment. There will be tests of faith etc.. but that doesn't change the basis being love.

 

I'm sorry you were so hurt by your ex, I really am, but not all women are the same. That was her decision and her feelings, no one else's.

 

You are allowed your opinion, and I will try to respect that. I am also expressing mine in order to help the original poster make the best of a sad situation. He is doing really well, and I don't want to lose sight of that. This is about him.

 

I can see that this line of conversation is leading off topic so if you would like to start your own thread I am happy to discuss it with you there.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Scarlett.O'hara

[Been]

You need to block her number.