Delete him from FB?

[Dontfindme]

My boyfriend - now ex - broke up with me a week ago. He "lost feelings" for me, and now 'loves me as a friend.' Told me he wants to be friends, and does not want to lose me - ha. I've been following NC since last Monday. I think I have some hope that we'll reconcile. I hate that I do. But I do.

 

Anyway, we share a bunch of mutual friends. I haven't informed most of them. I think I may do that this upcoming weekend, I'm entertaining the idea of throwing a "breakup party" - but that's besides the point.

 

We share friends. We will probably end up hanging out together and traveling at some point in a group. Should I delete him on FB?

 

Also...do you guys have any tips, and words of advice? I feel stuck with my feelings. I want to feel better already and get past this.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Having a "breakup party" sounds like a bad idea if you share friends. Just a general party sounds like a good idea though.

 

I know it is tough right now, but try to continue on as normal as best you can, and have fun with your friends. The old saying, "Success is the best revenge" really applies here.

 

As for Facebook, I guess that depends on how disciplined you are. If you can keep him there without looking at his page and updates, then don't delete him, perhaps just unfollow him for a while so you don't see anything he is up to.

 

However, if you think you won't be able to stop looking or read into everything he posts, then I would delete him. Maybe just start with unfollowing him until you are sure.

[Dontfindme]

Having a "breakup party" sounds like a bad idea if you share friends. Just a general party sounds like a good idea though.

 

I know it is tough right now, but try to continue on as normal as best you can, and have fun with your friends. The old saying, "Success is the best revenge" really applies here.

 

As for Facebook, I guess that depends on how disciplined you are. If you can keep him there without looking at his page and updates, then don't delete him, perhaps just unfollow him for a while so you don't see anything he is up to.

 

However, if you think you won't be able to stop looking or read into everything he posts, then I would delete him. Maybe just start with unfollowing him until you are sure.

 

Thank you for your response.

 

Yeah, I probably won't do the breakup party - I was getting a bit too carried away and not keeping in check with reality. I really am trying to make "success" my motto for the year, and ongoing, the difficulty lies in trying to figure out how to apply it.

 

I feel at such extremes - there are periods of stagnation, when I don't feel like doing anything, and then other periods where I want to do so much - but don't actually do it - it remains a thought. And then I fear I'm using him to fuel my growth, so I worry about how long before I burn out.

 

I was okay with the idea of keeping him as a FB friend, but I noticed that he's talking to this girl he had a thing for, before us - so now, of course I'm feeling low and checking up on him. I listened to your suggestion though. I unfollowed him. Let's see if that helps.

[foam12]

If you are going to have a break up party, then deleting him from Facebook would probably not do you any good for a number of reasons, especially when having mutual friends. Guess you have to decide what your intent of deleting him off Facebook would be and ask yourself if you would delete all of your mutual friends who would likely post or talk about this break up party.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Thank you for your response.

 

Yeah, I probably won't do the breakup party - I was getting a bit too carried away and not keeping in check with reality. I really am trying to make "success" my motto for the year, and ongoing, the difficulty lies in trying to figure out how to apply it.

 

I feel at such extremes - there are periods of stagnation, when I don't feel like doing anything, and then other periods where I want to do so much - but don't actually do it - it remains a thought. And then I fear I'm using him to fuel my growth, so I worry about how long before I burn out.

 

I was okay with the idea of keeping him as a FB friend, but I noticed that he's talking to this girl he had a thing for, before us - so now, of course I'm feeling low and checking up on him. I listened to your suggestion though. I unfollowed him. Let's see if that helps.

 

It sounds like it was a good decision. You don't need to see things that are going to hurt you. Some people leave it too late and become obsessed looking at their ex's social media, even though they are only hurting themselves in the process. I think you did yourself a favor in the long run.

 

Success can mean whatever you want it to. It doesn't need to be anything major, just small things like finding new hobbies or doing fun things with your friends. Basically anything that makes you feel happy.

 

You may think he is fueling your growth right now, but in time you will realize how strong you really are, and that you did it all yourself.

[The Poster]

You don't have to delete him. Just unfollow him. That's what I did with my exes. They're still "there" but everything they do on Facebook is completely hidden from your view. Just don't go looking at his page.

[shadyp]

If you have willpower, do as above and unfollow. As you have mutual friends he may well pop up? Personally I'd delete n block.

 

Break up party-no. Singles party with lots of fit guys, yes. Look up no contact-it works.

[whichwayisup]

My boyfriend - now ex - broke up with me a week ago. He "lost feelings" for me, and now 'loves me as a friend.' Told me he wants to be friends, and does not want to lose me - ha. I've been following NC since last Monday. I think I have some hope that we'll reconcile. I hate that I do. But I do.

 

Anyway, we share a bunch of mutual friends. I haven't informed most of them. I think I may do that this upcoming weekend, I'm entertaining the idea of throwing a "breakup party" - but that's besides the point.

 

We share friends. We will probably end up hanging out together and traveling at some point in a group. Should I delete him on FB?

 

Also...do you guys have any tips, and words of advice? I feel stuck with my feelings. I want to feel better already and get past this.

 

He broke up with you, no friendship can happen until YOU feel ready, if ever. It's unfair to him to expect to be friends when you're hurting right now. Stay in NC mode. And yes, delete and block him on fb.

[The Poster]

If you have willpower, do as above and unfollow. As you have mutual friends he may well pop up? Personally I'd delete n block.

 

Break up party-no. Singles party with lots of fit guys, yes. Look up no contact-it works.

 

Ah, good point. Didn't think of the mutual friend angle. Luckily I don't have that problem.

 

If you find it hard to see the stuff he's posting then blocking him would be your best bet. Even just deleting him, you'd still see his comments pop up on your mutual friends' posts.

[Dontfindme]

Thank you all for your words and feedback. Still have him on FB - unfollowed him - but it's not going well since I have checked here and there.

[bigbaby]

I think it is just going to hurt for a while, regardless of what you do so the idea is to minimize the damage and not do anything you'll regret later. A party in this state of mind *might* turn out to be a terrible idea, for example. In my opinion, the same goes for any attempt to make him jealous, show him you don't care, etc. I recommend just staying off FB and away from the mutual friends for a while. Everything will still be there when you're ready to return.

 

 

Whenever my life feels turned upside down, I get so much cleaning, painting, and assorted errands done, lol. Not sure if it will help you but I find the semi-mindless chores soothing. If it works for you, by the time you're done you'll have a fresh, clean, uncluttered place all ready for your new start.

 

 

Alternately, as much as possible pamper yourself and take it easy the same as you would if you had the flu. Just pass the time and you'll start to feel better soon. Sorry you got broke up with. It really is sucky.

Edited February 4, 2016 by bigbaby

[DarkHorizon]

Thank you all for your words and feedback. Still have him on FB - unfollowed him - but it's not going well since I have checked here and there.

 

Block him.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Thank you all for your words and feedback. Still have him on FB - unfollowed him - but it's not going well since I have checked here and there.

 

Ok, then clearly it isn't going to work for you. Better to be honest with yourself about it now. It can easily turn into Facebook stalking, and if it gets to that point you will find it hard to stop.

 

Your only alternative is to delete and block him.

[The Poster]

Thank you all for your words and feedback. Still have him on FB - unfollowed him - but it's not going well since I have checked here and there.

 

That's pretty normal in the beginning. I did that too.

 

Eventually you'll see that anything you read from him will bother you, and you'll stop doing it. It takes some will power, but you'll get there.

[louxor]

My boyfriend - now ex - broke up with me a week ago. He "lost feelings" for me, and now 'loves me as a friend.' Told me he wants to be friends, and does not want to lose me - ha. I've been following NC since last Monday. I think I have some hope that we'll reconcile. I hate that I do. But I do.

 

Anyway, we share a bunch of mutual friends. I haven't informed most of them. I think I may do that this upcoming weekend, I'm entertaining the idea of throwing a "breakup party" - but that's besides the point.

 

We share friends. We will probably end up hanging out together and traveling at some point in a group. Should I delete him on FB?

 

Also...do you guys have any tips, and words of advice? I feel stuck with my feelings. I want to feel better already and get past this.

 

This is nearly exact to the situation I faced with my most recent ex, its crazy! - The reason for the break-up, the wanting to be friends, the not wanting to lose me, the hope of reconciliation but hating that I feel it, the mutual friends - All of that is what I was faced with.

 

This may get a bit long, but given that our situations are so similar, I feel like reading my process from day 1 to current day (6 months on) may help you in one way or another.

 

We were together 2.5 years - Initially after the break up I agreed to being friends, which was a bad move, but my mind was clouded by emotions. About a week later after I was able to see a bit clearer, I knew this wasn't going to work, so I sent her a message that basically said "I understand and respect your situation, but being friends with you is something that I don't want to do now that I have had some time to think about it. I still want you in my life, but only on a romantic level, not as just friends, and it is because of this that we can no longer be close. If you notice your feelings towards me have changed in the future, then you have my number, but as it stands now, I wish you all the best and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the amazing times we shared."

 

From then on I went NC. I didn't delete her on FB, but I unfollowed her so I wouldn't get her updates on my news feed, but I knew from past experiences that I would be able to resist visiting her page. I also deleted instagram and snapchat to avoid these outlets setting me back. In regards to bumping into her at gatherings with mutual friends, I avoided these situations and instead organised to see these friends separately when I knew my ex wouldn't be around. I also made sure I didn't talk to these mutual friends about the break-up, and asked them to not talk about my ex with me either. This served 2 purposes: 1 - I knew that if I did speak to them about it, it would probably get back to my ex, things would be misinterpreted and unnecessary drama may show up. 2 - by asking them not to talk about her to me, I shielded myself from information I wasn't ready to hear yet (If she was moving on faster than me, seeing new people etc). Additionally, I put a lot of focus and time back into the things I had neglected whilst in a relationship such as hobbies and seeing friends more. This is a crucial decision that has added so much to my current position, but I'll elaborate on this later.

 

All in the above paragraph lasted about 3 months, and don't get me wrong, it succcccckkkkkkeeeeeed big time, but I stuck to it and I can see now how beneficial it was to me.

 

My NC was broken after these 3 months at a birthday gathering for one of my best friends. This friend is also a mutual friend of my ex, so my ex was going to be there, but I could no longer avoid her as I was not going to miss this friends birthday celebrations. My goal for that evening was simple: Show up, say hello to everyone (including my ex), be polite to her, and move on to have a fun evening. That was exactly what happened. I could feel she was awkward about it but I knew that was on her not me, as I had greeted her with just as much enthusiasm as all my other friends who were there. The biggest thing that surprised me from this evening was that throughout the night I didn't once feel upset about my break up - Why? I attribute this success to what I said earlier about putting time back into hobbies and friendships. I had replaced hanging out with her by hanging out with my friends, and I had replaced the fun things I did with her with my passions that I love (hobbies). Essentially, I had realised that she was not the key to my happiness, and that life was just as fun without her. I would not have been able to realise this if I didn't have the initial NC period to work it out.

 

Skipping to the next few months - What happened? Since that bday gathering, I went back to NC, but I started to go to the mutual friendship group events again that my ex was at, as I knew I'd be perfectly okay in those situations. I continued to pursue my friendships and my hobbies and I couldn't have been happier. Not only did they provided me happiness from within, but I met many new people through them.

 

Coming up now is probably the 'juiciest' part of my progress story so far. About a month ago (5 months post break-up), my ex messages me out of the blue and essentially tells me how she was struggling hard and misses me. We texted for a little bit and organised to meet up. We met up a total of 3 evenings over the space of about a month (once a week/a bit longer because of work).

 

1st Evening - We had a great time catching up, and spent about 4 hours talking. The break up never came up in conversation.

2nd Evening - I waited for her to text me again after the first night, and when we did, we arranged to meet up again. We chatted over drinks again for several hours, and at the end of the evening we made out.

3rd Evening - Again, waited for her to text then organised to meet up again. We had another great night and this time the topic of our break up came up. Although she missed me, and her feelings had grown somewhat since the break up, she was still on the fence about her feelings for me, i.e, pretty much a lesser version of why she left me.

 

HOWEVER, and this is what I am so proud of myself for doing, I was able to look her in the eyes and tell her what I told her months ago - 'I still want to be with you romantically, but not as a friend. I cannot continue to see you like this while you are still unsure about yourself. I mean it when I say, please do not contact me unless you are 100% sure that you want to give it another go.' She broke down crying like she did when we broke up, we said a few more things, and I left.

 

So what is the difference this time compared to the initial break up? I walked away happy, I am content with my life - This is thanks to all the work on myself I had done in the 5-6 months prior. I would love to have her back in my life, but I don't in any way need her. I didn't mind if she called me back the next day professing her love to me, or if she never talked to me again. She would be an addition to my happiness, but nothing close to the source of it anymore.

 

Again, sorry for the length, but I hope reading my progression can give you positivity in regards to the future. If you would like me to elaborate on any part just let me know! Also I didn't include my strategies for dealing with down days because it would just drag it on, so let me know if you would like additional info on that!

Edited February 4, 2016 by louxor

[Dontfindme]

This is nearly exact to the situation I faced with my most recent ex, its crazy! - The reason for the break-up, the wanting to be friends, the not wanting to lose me, the hope of reconciliation but hating that I feel it, the mutual friends - All of that is what I was faced with.

 

This may get a bit long, but given that our situations are so similar, I feel like reading my process from day 1 to current day (6 months on) may help you in one way or another.

 

We were together 2.5 years - Initially after the break up I agreed to being friends, which was a bad move, but my mind was clouded by emotions. About a week later after I was able to see a bit clearer, I knew this wasn't going to work, so I sent her a message that basically said "I understand and respect your situation, but being friends with you is something that I don't want to do now that I have had some time to think about it. I still want you in my life, but only on a romantic level, not as just friends, and it is because of this that we can no longer be close. If you notice your feelings towards me have changed in the future, then you have my number, but as it stands now, I wish you all the best and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the amazing times we shared."

 

From then on I went NC. I didn't delete her on FB, but I unfollowed her so I wouldn't get her updates on my news feed, but I knew from past experiences that I would be able to resist visiting her page. I also deleted instagram and snapchat to avoid these outlets setting me back. In regards to bumping into her at gatherings with mutual friends, I avoided these situations and instead organised to see these friends separately when I knew my ex wouldn't be around. I also made sure I didn't talk to these mutual friends about the break-up, and asked them to not talk about my ex with me either. This served 2 purposes: 1 - I knew that if I did speak to them about it, it would probably get back to my ex, things would be misinterpreted and unnecessary drama may show up. 2 - by asking them not to talk about her to me, I shielded myself from information I wasn't ready to hear yet (If she was moving on faster than me, seeing new people etc). Additionally, I put a lot of focus and time back into the things I had neglected whilst in a relationship such as hobbies and seeing friends more. This is a crucial decision that has added so much to my current position, but I'll elaborate on this later.

 

All in the above paragraph lasted about 3 months, and don't get me wrong, it succcccckkkkkkeeeeeed big time, but I stuck to it and I can see now how beneficial it was to me.

 

My NC was broken after these 3 months at a birthday gathering for one of my best friends. This friend is also a mutual friend of my ex, so my ex was going to be there, but I could no longer avoid her as I was not going to miss this friends birthday celebrations. My goal for that evening was simple: Show up, say hello to everyone (including my ex), be polite to her, and move on to have a fun evening. That was exactly what happened. I could feel she was awkward about it but I knew that was on her not me, as I had greeted her with just as much enthusiasm as all my other friends who were there. The biggest thing that surprised me from this evening was that throughout the night I didn't once feel upset about my break up - Why? I attribute this success to what I said earlier about putting time back into hobbies and friendships. I had replaced hanging out with her by hanging out with my friends, and I had replaced the fun things I did with her with my passions that I love (hobbies). Essentially, I had realised that she was not the key to my happiness, and that life was just as fun without her. I would not have been able to realise this if I didn't have the initial NC period to work it out.

 

Skipping to the next few months - What happened? Since that bday gathering, I went back to NC, but I started to go to the mutual friendship group events again that my ex was at, as I knew I'd be perfectly okay in those situations. I continued to pursue my friendships and my hobbies and I couldn't have been happier. Not only did they provided me happiness from within, but I met many new people through them.

 

Coming up now is probably the 'juiciest' part of my progress story so far. About a month ago (5 months post break-up), my ex messages me out of the blue and essentially tells me how she was struggling hard and misses me. We texted for a little bit and organised to meet up. We met up a total of 3 evenings over the space of about a month (once a week/a bit longer because of work).

 

1st Evening - We had a great time catching up, and spent about 4 hours talking. The break up never came up in conversation.

2nd Evening - I waited for her to text me again after the first night, and when we did, we arranged to meet up again. We chatted over drinks again for several hours, and at the end of the evening we made out.

3rd Evening - Again, waited for her to text then organised to meet up again. We had another great night and this time the topic of our break up came up. Although she missed me, and her feelings had grown somewhat since the break up, she was still on the fence about her feelings for me, i.e, pretty much a lesser version of why she left me.

 

HOWEVER, and this is what I am so proud of myself for doing, I was able to look her in the eyes and tell her what I told her months ago - 'I still want to be with you romantically, but not as a friend. I cannot continue to see you like this while you are still unsure about yourself. I mean it when I say, please do not contact me unless you are 100% sure that you want to give it another go.' She broke down crying like she did when we broke up, we said a few more things, and I left.

 

So what is the difference this time compared to the initial break up? I walked away happy, I am content with my life - This is thanks to all the work on myself I had done in the 5-6 months prior. I would love to have her back in my life, but I don't in any way need her. I didn't mind if she called me back the next day professing her love to me, or if she never talked to me again. She would be an addition to my happiness, but nothing close to the source of it anymore.

 

Again, sorry for the length, but I hope reading my progression can give you positivity in regards to the future. If you would like me to elaborate on any part just let me know! Also I didn't include my strategies for dealing with down days because it would just drag it on, so let me know if you would like additional info on that!

 

 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me!

 

I went through a range of emotions reading this: empowered, hopeful, disheartened, hopeful again, and excited.

 

I'm at the point where it's REALLY sucking right now. It's Friday - he's probably out with our mutual friends. I'm home trying to binge watch TV to not think about this, but I can't help but think that we would have been spending this time together, if we were together. This feels never-ending, and I would like to be happy again, and living - I'm going through the motions right now.

 

I have lofty dreams for pursuing hobbies and interests, that I haven't started on at all. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Almost 95% of my friends are mutual friends with him - and he kinda knew them first, so I backed off a bit - also they're mostly coupled up so it's just a mess putting myself in that environment when I don't feel steady yet, I've only really been hanging out with one other friend. And I'm overloading her with my mess. I'm saying all of this to I show the differences in our friend groups, and experiences, and lament the fact that I am unable to be with my friends as much as you were - so maybe I won't be as healed as you have been?

 

I'm happy to hear that you were able to partake in hangouts with mutual friends with your ex present. I think that would be the ideal state to be in - for me - if we can't reconcile (I know I need to stop wanting this). But then, it's so scary, the idea of the feelings returning - or becoming prominent again after all that work to get to a place where you can handle yourself, and then not being in control because of the uncertainty; the fact that your ex was still on the fence - it makes my stomach drop - you seem to have handled it amazingly (good for you btw!), but I'm not entirely sure I'd be as resilient and strong.

 

I do still attribute my happiness to him. I would like to stop that.

 

I would love to hear about your strategies for dealing with down days, as I am currently having a pretty bad one. What kind of hobbies did you pursue?

 

Also - do you still talk to your ex? Did she ever figure out her feelings?

 

 

It's so great that you've come so far. Your experience truly does give me a sense of positivity and progress; motivational whilst being realistic. I read your response ( and everyone else's on here) a bunch of times, and have been meaning to write back, but have had no time due to work. But it has been really uplifting when things start to suck, and I can't thank you enough for going through the trouble of writing it out and sharing with us.

 

Still, thank you.

[louxor]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me!

 

No worries at all! I cannot begin to explain how helpful the people on this site were to me when I needed it the most, so it is my absolute pleasure to help someone else out in return

 

I'm at the point where it's REALLY sucking right now. It's Friday - he's probably out with our mutual friends. I'm home trying to binge watch TV to not think about this, but I can't help but think that we would have been spending this time together, if we were together. This feels never-ending, and I would like to be happy again, and living - I'm going through the motions right now.

 

This period is definitely the worst, when your feelings of loneliness, sadness, regret, disappointment etc etc are far far far outweighing your feelings of happiness, joy, contentedness. Personally, I found that the most effective way to take the first step onto the road to recovery was getting my usual day schedule back on track - No laying around in bed because im too upset to get up, no ordering take-out because im too upset to cook, no slacking off with my study because im too upset to learn. I'd suggest you try and make this your first goal in moving on - Get you daily life back on track to start with. However, if there is something in this daily schedule that you don't like to the point where it further makes you upset, cut it out of your life and replace it with want you really want to be doing.

 

I have lofty dreams for pursuing hobbies and interests, that I haven't started on at all. I don't know what I'm waiting for.

 

You've been waiting for a reason, much like I was. Here is your reason, the break up. You are now in the drivers seat for your happiness, the ex can no longer provide it for you. If you wish to be truly happy, you must take the wheel as use this break up as your reason. Some of the best advice I've gotten (and the truest with hindsight), is that a person cannot be truly happy in a relationship until they are happy by themselves.

When my ex left me, I realised she was the primary source of my happiness, and it sucked bad because she left behind a huge void. Through persuing my passions and hobbies without holding back, I have slowly but surely used them to re-fill this void, and that is what I would strong suggest you aim for. It is by no means an instant fix, but as the days go on, you'll notice the change.

 

Almost 95% of my friends are mutual friends with him - and he kinda knew them first, so I backed off a bit - also they're mostly coupled up so it's just a mess putting myself in that environment when I don't feel steady yet, I've only really been hanging out with one other friend.

And I'm overloading her with my mess. I'm saying all of this to I show the differences in our friend groups, and experiences, and lament the fact that I am unable to be with my friends as much as you were - so maybe I won't be as healed as you have been?

 

I did this too, backed off because I knew I wasn't ready. When I say I hung out with the mutuals seperately, I'm refering to only 2 friends, many of them I didn't see for a good few months until after the break up. What I did instead was, I focused on those friends who I had neglected during my relationship. It was hard to start as we weren't as close as we had been, but again, over time these friendships have re-built themselves and I'm so happy for it.

 

Another thing - I made many new friends through persuing my hobbies, which also allowed for more support from external areas.

 

I'd say that only about 30% of the time I spent with friends during the first few months was with those friends who were mutual to my ex. It was all about forcing myself to branch out again. No matter how slow it was to begin, it was worth the effort.

-

I'm happy to hear that you were able to partake in hangouts with mutual friends with your ex present. I think that would be the ideal state to be in - for me - if we can't reconcile (I know I need to stop wanting this). But then, it's so scary, the idea of the feelings returning - or becoming prominent again after all that work to get to a place where you can handle yourself, and then not being in control because of the uncertainty

 

Yeah it is the ideal state, but remember it did take me 3 months before I was even comfortabe with the idea of going, and even then I had no idea which way I was going to react. To be honest, at that time I was still partly holding on to the idea of reconciliation, so don't be detered by that too much. Basically, before I decided to go, I made sure I was ready for the worst outcome: If I go, and her presence hits me like a brick wall, how will I deal with that? Will I go home after and be sent all the way back to square one? Or will I be able to abosrb the pain for what it is, deal with it, and keep moving forward? I was able to answer with the latter, and that's how I knew I was ready to go. I knew that even if the night was horrible, I would still be able to bring myself back to happiness through the avenues I had spent the previous months building.

 

the fact that your ex was still on the fence - it makes my stomach drop - you seem to have handled it amazingly (good for you btw!), but I'm not entirely sure I'd be as resilient and strong.

 

Remember, I didn't find this information about her feelings until about 2 and a half months after seeing her for the first time post-break up. That's 2.5 more months of working on myself before coming face to face with it. That's how I was able to deal with hearing it again so differently than the first time. Don't worry about not feeling you'd be as resilient or strong right now - I have had 6 months to work with myself, you're only a few weeks in.

 

I do still attribute my happiness to him. I would like to stop that.

 

Fantastic that you've isolated the problem and want to solve it. What I explain below will hopefully lead you on the right track to this solution!

 

I would love to hear about your strategies for dealing with down days, as I am currently having a pretty bad one. What kind of hobbies did you pursue?

 

I read this article somewhere online (I will link it if I am able to find it again), that explained finding happiness after a break up in terms of Distraction VS Progress.

 

The writer of the article explained that the key to finding happiness is not to distract yourself, but to focus on something that leads somewhere after.

 

Here's some examples to better explain:

Distractions were defined as things that made you feel good while you were doing them, but once they were over you had nothing to show. You were back to the same place of sadness. This could be doing things such as going out drinking with buddies - During it, you're having a ball, not thinking about your ex, but once it's over, all you have to show for it is a headache, empty wallet, and the same burning feelings in regards to the break-up.

 

Progress on the other hand was defined as something that leaves you fulfilled and excited, even once it's over. You feel like your time was spent well and you have something to show for it. This is why I put a huge emphasis on pursuing hobbies and passions - They leave you happy afterwards because they are what you truly love to do, and you are eager to do it again in the days to come.

 

Once I started to focus on this idea of progress over distraction, I noticed an amazing change. Sure, I was still down about the break-up, but that happiness void that was making it so painful - It was slowly shrinking due to the joy I was finding through these 'progress' activities.

 

Here are a couple of these progress activities that I did (and still do) that aided me immensely (Keep in mind everyone is different so what worked for me may not work for you - It's about finding what suits you best)

 

- I started going to the gym: It's verrrrrrrryyyy cliched but it worked. During the workout I am able to release all my stored up energy. After the workout I feel great - physically due to the health benefits, and mentally due to the endorphins exercise releases. The progress aspect? Well have been able to see my body change over the months, and set goals I want to achieve. Additionally, who doesn't feel happy when they see their pudge turning into muscle . I also have a friend who I workout with - This gives going to the gym an additional benefit, as we get to hang out, talk, and support eachother while we train, as well as hanging out at other times. I was never really too close to this guy, but now I'd consider him a very good friend, all thanks to the gym as a means of bringing us together. I never would have guessed this would have happened.

 

- I began to paint again: I've always loved to paint, but over the period of my relationship, I let this slip away. I find it very therapeutic to paint so that was my initial reason to start again. The progress aspect? The more I painted, the more I wanted to explore, try new forms, learn new techniques. This has allowed me to continually look forward to what I will make next, what I will learn, and I'm proud of myself and what I have created once im finished. All that gives me happiness. Also, I've been lucky enough to make some money on the side from it by selling prints, so thats always nice to have too!

 

- I joined back up for all the team sports I enjoy: This is another exercise based one, but I only focus on exercise because I discovered out that exercising was the thing most benefical to me. Like I said before, it's all about discovering what works best for you (Keeping in mind the progess idea).

 

Anyway, this worked similar for me as the gym did - The physical well-being, mental well-being, new friends, and something to look forward to every week, whilst also striving to improve at every week.

 

I'd say these are my main ones, but there are many smaller ones that help as well, such as learning new things to cook (I LOVE food lol), leaving a ****ty job, expanding other interests through reading/podcasts (I'm a history nerd, and I have a couple of weekly podcasts I listen too...another thing to look forward too) and all in all just saying no to people as little as I can (sounds weird but you'll be amazed what you experience when you start to say yes more often - I went to a rodeo with my brother the other week after he asked, even though I thought I'd hate it..well it was awesome!!!)

 

Also - do you still talk to your ex? Did she ever figure out her feelings?

 

That last evening out was only about a week and a half ago and I haven't heard from her. She did say she was happy I was going away the next week (I'm currently on a skiiing holiday - another one of my hobbies ) because it would give her the time to sit and think about it all, so I wasn't expecting to hear from her at the moment anyway.

 

But even if I don't hear from her after I do get back, it doesn't bother me because I know I'm going to still be happy either way, thanks to all I've explained above.

 

- It's so great that you've come so far. Your experience truly does give me a sense of positivity and progress; motivational whilst being realistic. I read your response ( and everyone else's on here) a bunch of times, and have been meaning to write back, but have had no time due to work. But it has been really uplifting when things start to suck, and I can't thank you enough for going through the trouble of writing it out and sharing with us.

 

I'm so glad I'm able to help, it's all about those little steps that all add up. As the days go on, if you do your best to stick to what people tell you on here, you will begin to notice a change, and the first time that happens it is such a relief, because even though you are far from healed, you have that sign that it does get better

 

Also, I just want to add this: Getting through a break-up is all about asking yourself the right questions. It's not about asking "How do I forget about my ex?" "How do I stop these feelings for my ex", "How can I make the pain go away?", rather, "How do I fill this void and regain my happiness?". Once you find the answer to that last question, you'll notice the others start to answer themselves!

Edited February 6, 2016 by louxor

[Dontfindme]

@louxor: You are an inspiration. Thank you for writing and detailing everything. I appreciate it so much, I know I'm super late- but really thank you. I especially liked the part about distractions and progress. I've definitely been doing the distractions- TV, going out with friends, etc. not so much progress yet. I need to start.

 

Well, as an update: I deleted my ex on FB and deleted all the apps I was using to stalk him from time to time. So that has been good.

[andie1969]

Good for you! I was just dumped on Sunday after a year long relationship and by Sunday night I had not only deleted, but blocked him and all of his friends/family that were also my friends. Not to be petty to him or them in any way, I did it for ME. I cannot be trusted not to stalk and then agonize over every little "like" or comment. Plus, he dumped me, we are not friends anymore so what gives him the right to have glimpses into my life? He thought we could break up and remain friends, nope, sorry buddy, I'm an all or nothing kinda gal.

[Dontfindme]

Good for you! I was just dumped on Sunday after a year long relationship and by Sunday night I had not only deleted, but blocked him and all of his friends/family that were also my friends. Not to be petty to him or them in any way, I did it for ME. I cannot be trusted not to stalk and then agonize over every little "like" or comment. Plus, he dumped me, we are not friends anymore so what gives him the right to have glimpses into my life? He thought we could break up and remain friends, nope, sorry buddy, I'm an all or nothing kinda gal.

 

Thank you! I'm usually the same and block them off right away. But I was (still am...slowly dying) holding on to hope. Sucks. But, I'll get there.

 

And you're totally right, it's not petty - you just have to heal and not be around that energy, and start over. Also, so true - I think the biggest incentive to my blocking him was that I didn't want him to know ANYTHING about me at all.

[NolaLeForte]

That’s completely up to you. There is something about “defriending” someone on Facebook that often doesn’t sit well with the other party (for some it can feel like a slap in the face) but in this situation, you guys just broke up, and you’re in no contact, so it’s completely reasonable and understandable if you delete him from Facebook.

 

It seems like there are a few sides to this question- first, what would the impact of defriending him be since you have so many mutual friends? Would defriending him on facebook be akin to publicly decrying the relationship and possibly impacting mutual friendships (and your relationship with him)? Also, does it feel like you’re putting your business out there? Secondly, the breakup is still fresh and if you’re not sure how permanent it is. If you delete him on facebook, would that be a cord cut between you that you are not sure should be cut?

 

On top of all of this, you need your space (without him in it) and facebook gives status updates about him and what he’s up to, which is probably the last thing you would like or need at the moment.

 

Social media sure makes things complicated.

 

I think that you getting your space is the number one priority here. Regardless of the future possibilities, you are broken up right now, and your friends need to understand and respect that, which they probably will if you tell them the situation. You aren’t doing it to be mean (although inviting them to a breakup party might send the wrong idea, depending on how you do it).

 

No contact also means no looking at his photos, status updates, etc. If you can log on without looking, that’s great, and it might not be necessary to defriend him. Unfollowing him so you don’t get his status updates might also be a good middle of the road option, if that’s the case.

 

If that’s the not the case, then unfriend him. No contact is about you, after all. Besides, it’s just facebook. Your friends are your friends in real life, not just online. If you and him become boyfriend and girlfriend again, you can become facebook friends again too.

 

Best of luck! X

[louxor]

@louxor: You are an inspiration. Thank you for writing and detailing everything. I appreciate it so much, I know I'm super late- but really thank you. I especially liked the part about distractions and progress. I've definitely been doing the distractions- TV, going out with friends, etc. not so much progress yet. I need to start.

 

Well, as an update: I deleted my ex on FB and deleted all the apps I was using to stalk him from time to time. So that has been good.

 

You're welcome!

 

How have you been doing in the last month or so since the original post?