DarkHorizon Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 It happened to me. My girlfriend was spending a lot of time talking to a "friend" online. I asked her about it, she said "they were just friends". Something didn't sound quite right. I wanted to accept, but I couldn't. One day, I checked her Facebook account, and read their conversations. Clearly, they weren't just friends. Even though there was cheating on her part, she ultimately turned things around, got upset that I invaded her privacy, and used that as the nail in the coffin to leave me. Obviously, her actions were wrong, and that should be enough to put an end to the relationship, but I still feel guilty for invading her online privacy. Thoughts? Not only about my situation, but in the general idea of checking your partner's private communications in order to find out something they are either not telling you or lying about it. To what point the means justify the end, in these situations? Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Hubs doesn't carry a cell phone and isn't a big fan of computers. He'll use one occasionally to look up stuff of interest. Has he looked at women on the internet? Yep. Does it bother me? Nope. I'm apt to join him . He doesn't access my computer but he has the password so he can. Yeah, I've engaged in online play. I've always been upfront about it so there's nothing he would find that he doesn't already know about. I'd be pissed if he was 'snooping' bc that would imply a lack of trust. All he has to do is ask and I'll show him whatever he wants to see. Same with my phone. To his credit though, he doesn't get into my business. On the flip side, ppl have suspected their SO was cheating and obtained proof by doing what you did. Shrug, that's why I don't engage in deceitful stuff. You can't 'discover' what you already know. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 I am torn with this. I know people have rights to their privacy, even your partners, but that is also a means for deceits and lies. Personally, I will snoop if a partner of mine gives me a reason to do it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Buck Turgidson Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 I think that snooping and cheating are about equally bad. Both make the victim feel violated and betrayed. Just as if you're at the point where you feel you must cheat, if you're at the point where you feel you must snoop, better to just break up and be honest about it. An exception might be in a legal battle where things like distribution of assets and custody of children is at stake. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nickr3023 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 It happened to me. My girlfriend was spending a lot of time talking to a "friend" online. I asked her about it, she said "they were just friends". Something didn't sound quite right. I wanted to accept, but I couldn't. One day, I checked her Facebook account, and read their conversations. Clearly, they weren't just friends. Even though there was cheating on her part, she ultimately turned things around, got upset that I invaded her privacy, and used that as the nail in the coffin to leave me. Obviously, her actions were wrong, and that should be enough to put an end to the relationship, but I still feel guilty for invading her online privacy. Thoughts? Not only about my situation, but in the general idea of checking your partner's private communications in order to find out something they are either not telling you or lying about it. To what point the means justify the end, in these situations? I did the same thing you did and it all played out the same way. After I did that nothing was the same again. I couldn't trust her after what I found, and she didn't trust me because I invaded her privacy. She ended up cheating on me and that was that. Social media and technology I believe are what dooms so many relationships. It's too easy nowadays to have multiple people at your fingertips and the temptation ends up being too much for some people. It's a sad and unfortunate thing and something we'll probably all have to live with for the rest of our lives. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I think that snooping and cheating are about equally bad. Well this may be the stupidest thing I've ever read regarding relationships. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkHorizon Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 Personally, I will snoop if a partner of mine gives me a reason to do it. It took me a long time considering it... before I actually did it. After four years, the intuition kicked in, and I knew I wasn't going to get an honest response no matter how many times I asked her. I am trying to avoid the "it had to be done" kind of mindset, but I just can't think of a better expression. That doesn't mean I don't feel guilty about it. It is just sad that it had to come to that point. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lchf Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 If it meant saving myself months or years with a cheater, I will go through online activity with reasonable suspicion, with no regrets whatsoever. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExtraSpice Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Oh interesting topic. I am sure you will find varying viewpoints. I am of the school of thought that if you feel the need to see your partners phone/computer/whatever then there is a lack of trust to begin with. There have been times that I have felt the urge to snoop around but I have always stopped myself. Sometimes they really are hiding something and sometimes it is your paranoia talking. And if it is the latter then you will find something whether there is anything there or not. You start to look for things and that gets a little dangerous. I personally never look through my partners phone. Party because I think it is a violation of their privacy and partly because I don't want to make things into some thing they are not. That being said my partners know my passwords for phones and computers because I trust that they won't abuse that privilege. Maybe it is naive or maybe it is not. But has worked for me so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkHorizon Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 It is such a hard and complex issue. My ex girlfriend really trusted me, and believed I wouldn't look into her messages. On the other hand, she WAS cheating on me, and not even deleting any of her conversations with the the other guy or her best friend, who knew about it. I don't think she intentionally was doing it that way for me to see it, because she got furious when she found out that I was reading it. Still, she wouldn't lock her computer after that. All I had to do was to open it and it would be all there. I want to say she didn't care if I would find out, but that isn't really true because of the way she reacted every time I confronted her about it - denying, hiding, lying and, ultimately, leaving. I believe that if I haven't done it, she would never tell me about it. We would still be together... which would be the worst possible outcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 If it meant saving myself months or years with a cheater, I will go through online activity with reasonable suspicion, with no regrets whatsoever. I'll second this. If there is a cause for concern then I don't have any issues with snooping. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Been Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Did the same thing. And yes that person tried to turn it around on me. And they were full of it. If you give me reason to be questioning you then by all means I'm going to find out what I have to find out. Not like if you straight up ask the person your with if they are cheating that thier gonna be truthful. People that talk about invasion of privacy in my experience are the ones who have gotten caught doing things they shouldn't have in the past. Trust is just a word. It's your ACTIONS that will lead people to see if they can trust you. Of course when you catch them they use the "invasion of privacy" speech in you-they gotta reach for something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkHorizon Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 Did the same thing. And yes that person tried to turn it around on me. And they were full of it. If you give me reason to be questioning you then by all means I'm going to find out what I have to find out. Not like if you straight up ask the person your with if they are cheating that thier gonna be truthful. People that talk about invasion of privacy in my experience are the ones who have gotten caught doing things they shouldn't have in the past. Trust is just a word. It's your ACTIONS that will lead people to see if they can trust you. Of course when you catch them they use the "invasion of privacy" speech in you-they gotta reach for something. Hear, hear! Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 It's kind of dumb to get bent out of shape when your partner discovers something you didn't want him/her to find, yet you left it in plain sight. Either she's not a very astute person OR she laid the groundwork for you discover the content so she could accuse you of snooping and turn it around. Meh, in either scenario this relationship isn't heading in a good direction for either of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkHorizon Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 It's kind of dumb to get bent out of shape when your partner discovers something you didn't want him/her to find, yet you left it in plain sight. Either she's not a very astute person OR she laid the groundwork for you discover the content so she could accuse you of snooping and turn it around. Meh, in either scenario this relationship isn't heading in a good direction for either of you. Oh, the relationship is over, so we are now going in different directions As far as why she did it, I think it was a combination of trusting that I wouldn't keep looking and believing that she would somehow be able to defend herself in case I brought it up again. Obviously, when she run out of excuses, she left. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
triple-s Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 It happened to me. My girlfriend was spending a lot of time talking to a "friend" online. I asked her about it, she said "they were just friends". Something didn't sound quite right. I wanted to accept, but I couldn't. One day, I checked her Facebook account, and read their conversations. Clearly, they weren't just friends. Even though there was cheating on her part, she ultimately turned things around, got upset that I invaded her privacy, and used that as the nail in the coffin to leave me. Obviously, her actions were wrong, and that should be enough to put an end to the relationship, but I still feel guilty for invading her online privacy. Thoughts? Not only about my situation, but in the general idea of checking your partner's private communications in order to find out something they are either not telling you or lying about it. To what point the means justify the end, in these situations? I had something happen to me similar to your case . Last year ... While i was with my-now-ex , i noticed she constantly checked her phone . whenever im around she hides it . Im talking places her phone face down ( RED FLAG RIGHT THERE BTW ) I asked her who that was and she just said oh this guy at work ... i shrugged it off ... weeks later she dumps me out of the blue ... then i asked if this GUY at work is seeing her she says no ... We see each other one last time one evening - and the mystery person she is texting is still at it while we were out . I asked , new boyfriend ? I had my suspicions who it was and she denied it ... Later that night she reveals to me she broke up with me because she cheats on all her relationships ... ( kick to my face ) Things got heated and had break up sex ..... and that morning bothered me, I didnt wanna feel this way anymore ... i was able to get in her phone while she was asleep and i was right . I wanted to know who it was : 1st thing i wanna tell you is if your gut tells you something is wrong ; BELIEVE IT . 2nd Me snooping in her phone was my way to finding the truth. She couldnt be honest to me so i had to find my own answer ... and i was right 3rd . Was it wrong ? absolutely. I knew at that point there was no turning back. She violated my trust as I violated her by going in her phone. Lesson to everyone here is if you had to sneak into her privacy ... your relationship is already broken. Trust is gone at that point . I was seeing her for 8 months and i trusted her to the point i not once i got tempted to look into her stuff . IN the end, it didnt matter to me anymore ... i was shoved aside , treated like a second class citizen . She even said to me in bed after sex " this doesnt change anything " ... I lost her . She didnt care about me anymore ... I looked to find my answer ... and to be honest , had i not checked , i probbaly would still be begging, pleaeding , asking her to come out and see me , etc ... She lined up a replacement for me . It hurt and till now it hurts . I dont need that in my life ... Love is a two way street ... I learned not to waste my time with people like this ; hope you can see it to ... good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Oh, the relationship is over, so we are now going in different directions As far as why she did it, I think it is a combination of trusting that I wouldn't keep looking and believing that she could somehow keep defending herself every time I would bring it up. Obviously, when she run out of excuses, she run away. At least you discovered her true colors and can now move on. I hope you find a solid, compatible match and don't allow this last partner's actions to affect your future relationships . (It sucks to be judged and have your every move scrutinized when you've done nothing wrong. Sounds like you're an open person, privacy-wise, and hopefully an optimistic person moving forward. Good luck! . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkHorizon Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 1st thing i wanna tell you is if your gut tells you something is wrong ; BELIEVE IT . Agree 100%. I am one of those who follow intuition. The ego is the one who shows up later second guessing and questioning it. Intuition never questions the mind; intuition just KNOWS it. It always kicks in before the thought. Your story is definitely similar to mine, and it is just plain sad. I also agree with you that by the time you get to that point (of invading their privacy), nothing else can be done anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkHorizon Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 At least you discovered her true colors and can now move on. I hope you find a solid, compatible match and don't allow this last partner's actions to affect your future relationships . (It sucks to be judged and have your every move scrutinized when you've done nothing wrong. Sounds like you're an open person, privacy-wise, and hopefully an optimistic person moving forward. Good luck! . Oh, I definitely made serious mistakes throughout the four years of the relationship that contributed for her to finally lose her love for me, as described in previous posts. But even though I understand and respect her reasons to leave me, I do not respect the way she did it -- through lying, hiding and cheating. Thank you for your kind words. I am on my way up. Always looking forward. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 I don't put snooping on the same level as cheating. No way!!! And I wouldn't feel guilty about snooping that lead to a realization that someone was cheating. When I had a reason for concern, I snoopped on my partner, and confirmed and confronted him about his cheating. And I have cheated, and was caught by his "snooping" I didn't for a moment turn that on him. I gave him a reason to snoop - and he did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Oh, I definitely made serious mistakes throughout the four years of the relationship that contributed for her to finally lose her love for me, as described in previous posts. But even though I understand and respect her reasons to leave me, I do not respect the way she did it -- through lying, hiding and cheating. Thank you for your kind words. I am on my way up. Always looking forward. Dark, You owned your mistakes, she didn't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkHorizon Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 (edited) Dark, You owned your mistakes, she didn't. Oh, I did apologize for the snooping. I did apologize for the horrible things I said when I was drunk and angry. I joined an anger management class and I stopped drinking for good -- Three months now; not a single drop! I was already in the class and not drinking for a month before she left me. She said all my efforts came "a bit too late". So, it's not like she didn't know I was trying; she had already checked out by then, and never stopped communicating with the other guy (they met when he was here on vacation and was back to his country at the time). So yes; I had both the time and opportunity to hold myself accountable for my mistakes and apologize for them. She also had the same time to do something about her actions, if she wanted it, but she was no longer interested. She never 1) apologized for lying and cheating, 2) held herself accountable for those mistakes, and 3) stopped to reconsidered her behavior. So, in her mind, she did nothing wrong. That's fine; I am not waiting around for an apology. What is done is done. Edited February 8, 2016 by DarkHorizon Link to post Share on other sites
triple-s Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 It is such a hard and complex issue. My ex girlfriend really trusted me, and believed I wouldn't look into her messages. On the other hand, she WAS cheating on me, and not even deleting any of her conversations with the the other guy or her best friend, who knew about it. I don't think she intentionally was doing it that way for me to see it, because she got furious when she found out that I was reading it. Still, she wouldn't lock her computer after that. All I had to do was to open it and it would be all there. I want to say she didn't care if I would find out, but that isn't really true because of the way she reacted every time I confronted her about it - denying, hiding, lying and, ultimately, leaving. I believe that if I haven't done it, she would never tell me about it. We would still be together... which would be the worst possible outcome. Dark , your gut told you to snoop and let me back you up -- THAT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO . like you said ... youd be together BUT CAN YOU LIVE WITH HER LIES ? CHEATING ? .. cmon man ... you did the right thing . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
triple-s Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Oh, the relationship is over, so we are now going in different directions As far as why she did it, I think it was a combination of trusting that I wouldn't keep looking and believing that she would somehow be able to defend herself in case I brought it up again. Obviously, when she run out of excuses, she left. She was already on her way out dude . The moment you said shes already talking to someone else online she was already lining up your replacement ... You finding out on your own by snooping was your way of getting to the bottom of it . Again its WRONG to do it .. but due to implications , you were looking after yourself ( AND THAT IS NORMAL ) ... do not try to justify your actions and regretting .. Before i trusted my now ex gf 100% . I knew she talked to guys .. i didnt bother her until the day i noticed this one particular fella ... my spidey senses started tingling ; I did exactly what you did because your GUT TOLD YOU SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT You saved yourself . Trust me on this ... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
triple-s Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I'll second this. If there is a cause for concern then I don't have any issues with snooping. Ditto on this Link to post Share on other sites
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