Break up, feel rock bottom

[Harvey84]

I split up with my girlfriend of 2 years, just over 3 weeks ago. To be honest I'm heart broken and not been coping very well. I'm kind of left confused by it all so thought I'd share my story and get some feedback.

The first year we were together everything was beautiful, we never argued and she was so caring and I fell deeply in love with her. We both had our own flats but she phoned me one night saying we should be together properly and she wanted to move in with me and I was so happy.

A week later we got onto the topic of getting engaged. I said to her we've got plenty of years for that (we spoke before about how we had nothing tying us down like kids and could go travelling together) and it didn't go down well and caused an argument. She said I'm not moving in with you when your not showing any commitment and that was that. She knew how much I loved her and wasn't going anywhere but she never moved in after that.

Things were never right again after that night. Over the last year she hasn't been the easy going caring girl I fell in love with. Maybe in small doses here and there but never like before.

We would argue over silly things and she would make life so hard for me. Every time we had a fallout it was my fault. She couldn't handle me talking about serious things in the relationship or things that I felt weren't right. She wasn't making the effort like she use to. I found myself asking if she was coming over or having to offer myself to visit her. I found that hard because I loved her more than I ever did but everything was like it had to be on her terms. Not like it use to be.

About 6 months I developed anxiety. The reason for it I'm sure of was down to the arguing and fallouts. She would walk out on me numerous times, hang up, cut me off and leave me stewing for a day or two. Found myself stressing out, anxious and having panic attacks. Something I've never had in my life. This was the way it was over the last few months. I can remember even moaning one night about sex to her (Sometimes I'd kiss her and try and get intimate and she wouldn't respond) and i was like just say your tired, it's embarrassing for me. She got out of bed packed her stuff and walked out. Sent texts and tried phoning her but got blanked for a day or so and this would be the way she would deal with any form of confrontation. I always found myself apologising to her even over stupid arguments just so a I would avoid the walkouts and not talking as it wasn't good for me or my anxiety.

We lived 35 miles apart which never helped, but when we were together properly everything was great. She always told me (even a month ago) I was the love of her life and she would always be there for me. She knew how I felt about her, told her everyday. She was my world.

We have split up and got back together at least 6 times over the past year which sounds crazy I know but we just seemed to go round in circles in arguments and never resolve anything. It was all making me edgy, anxious and not myself. I found myself putting up with the walkouts, over trying in the relationship and putting my all in. Just to try and make her happy and getting shouted at all the time. I always kept my cool and try and calm her but never worked. I felt like I was becoming a doormat and having someone walk all over my good nature.

There was a lot of amazing things we did together and I'm prob making it sound all bad. We had plans to get a house together, and even spoke about what our kids names would be. We had Amazing Holidays, camping all over the country. We had a very similar interests and done a lot together in those 2 years. Never argued when we went away anywhere and It felt special.

Anyway fast forward to 3 weeks ago. We had split by this point and she said to me on the phone that she has had her defences up ever since I said to her a year ago that we had plenty of years to get engaged. Told me I should of proposed to her when we were happy and If I loved her with my heart I would of done so by now.

I find that not right to be on the defence for all that time. Feel like I've been doing too much and trying to be the perfect bf to make her happy and wondering why she wasn't. It's honestly destroyed my self esteem, made me a weaker man than I've ever been.

The last time I saw her was just over 2 weeks ago. She came round to mines to see if we could sort things again. Her suggestion was to go back to seeing each other once a week. Start dating each other again, get back what we had. I agreed at the time because I didn't want to lose her. The next day I text her saying I couldn't do that. I loved her, and to go back to seeing her once a week when she felt like it wasn't what I wanted. It would take away everything that I loved in the relationship and be soul destroying. Felt like I was just becoming an option to her. I said to her you need to listen to what I want too and compromise, or there's no point. I got a reply "well goodbye then" and never heard from her since.

She has blocked and deleted me on everything so I have no way of contacting her now. Hasn't replied to any texts or emails I've sent her.

I feel like I've just been abandoned and deleted from her life just like that. She knows what I've been going through mentally and to do that to me she must know how much I'm hurting and effecting me. She said she would help me get through my anxiety, and I've been going to mindfulness meetings and trying to stay on top of it but she's left me when I needed support, just like I've always been there for her.

It's so harsh to take, 2 years with her gone like that. My family keep telling me I deserve better and have had the patience of a saint for staying with her so long. Doesn't change how I feel. Never had love like that with anyone before. I wish I could just get her out my head but it's hard. Mentally I'm the worst I've ever been. Feel weak, find it hard to sleep and am seeking therapy at the moment.

I know I'm a good person and treated her with love and kindness and I don't understand how she could cut me off like that and just move on?

When I said I'd always be there for her and she was the love of my life I meant it from my heart and feel like she has used me to get what she wanted and when I stood up for myself she just abandoned me.

Sorry for the long post but I had to put my story out there, it has mentally ruined me and feel at rock bottom.

[louxor]

She caused you anxiety, she wasn't showing you love, you fought, you broke up 6 times in a year for crying out loud! What more evidence could you want to show you that it's not meant to be.

I know you have the emotional connection to her, and that's the hardest part about a break up, but try and look past that...is this really the type of woman you'd want to spend your life with? If a new woman came along tomorrow, would you still be trying to hold on to this ex? My bet would be no, because despite the emotional connection, you know she is no good for you.

 

Her cutting you out is a good thing for you, believe me. She's done you the favour of removing all avenues of contact which would only serve as a means to slow down your recovery anyway.

 

I was much like you after my first break up a few years ago, she was no good but I couldn't let go of the emotional attachment, but the day I had the courage to block her everywhere was the day I finally started to recover.

 

Oh and one positive about rock bottom - it can only get better from here

 

Good luck

[Harvey84]

She did cause my anxiety your right, I Told her this but she thought I was being sick. I know she has a lot of debt too and I feel like she was pressuring me to propose even when I made my point clear a year is too soon for me and I said I thought we were gonna go travelling see the world first. Settle down after that.

Felt like every time she didn't get her way was I'd be on the end of mental mind games with her. She wanted me to rent my flat out and live with her and I didn't. Made no sense with me doing a 70 mile journey to work everyday.

Even when I took her to my mums or to see family she would never put much effort in and be quiet.

I can remember 3 times one night I asked if she was ok. She looked downand was tired, always was the excuse. The third times I asked her she went mental, shouting and balling at me, and I was like wow no need for that.

She is the love of my life and I do miss her so much, but feel like mentally she had done me and knows it. And dumped and deleted me because she couldn't compromise or listen to what I wanted. I feel she just wants ring or security and to help with the debt she's in. And all the times she said I'm the love of her life were lies and strung me along because I was being too nice nice.

[Harvey84]

I guess I'm blinded by my love for her. I'm trying to move on and forget but it's so hard. I thought she was the one and believed her when she said I was the love of her life.

I'm hoping this therapy I've been accepted for will help. Can take up to 8 weeks for the therapy treatment to begin so I'm just trying to keep busy and can't stand being on my own. I just feel so ill, and find it hard to focus on anything I'm doing.

Really do need advice.

Edited January 27, 2016 by Harvey84

[Harvey84]

Please guys, could do with some insight and advice on this.

[louxor]

She did cause my anxiety your right, I Told her this but she thought I was being sick. I know she has a lot of debt too and I feel like she was pressuring me to propose even when I made my point clear a year is too soon for me and I said I thought we were gonna go travelling see the world first. Settle down after that.

Felt like every time she didn't get her way was I'd be on the end of mental mind games with her. She wanted me to rent my flat out and live with her and I didn't. Made no sense with me doing a 70 mile journey to work everyday.

Even when I took her to my mums or to see family she would never put much effort in and be quiet.

I can remember 3 times one night I asked if she was ok. She looked downand was tired, always was the excuse. The third times I asked her she went mental, shouting and balling at me, and I was like wow no need for that.

She is the love of my life and I do miss her so much, but feel like mentally she had done me and knows it. And dumped and deleted me because she couldn't compromise or listen to what I wanted. I feel she just wants ring or security and to help with the debt she's in. And all the times she said I'm the love of her life were lies and strung me along because I was being too nice nice.

 

Harvey, I want you to read every one of your words that I've highlighted. Now, for a second or two I want you to imagine that you've just met your ex, and you're deciding whether or not you should ask her on a second date. As you're thinking, this piece of paper appears and it reads what you have written above. Would you ask her out on a second date knowing that that is what she gives you in return for you efforts? I know sure as hell I'd be out of there within the blink of an eye.

 

What I'm getting at here is that, you know she isn't you good for you, you know that! Look at what you've written about her! All these things sound terrible and you deserve a million times better than that from someone who give your time and love to.

 

So why then do you still miss her and all that comes with that? Only you can answer that properly, but I can guess that the only thing holding you in limbo is your emotional attachment to her. 2 years with someone is long enough to grow very attached and very comfortable, even if things were not sunshine and rainbows. This is where NC becomes so vital - The only way to remove this attachment so you can begin to see clearly again, is by removing every single thing you can that will remind you about her, tempt you to contact her etc etc. Coming from someone who has recently done the exact thing, I can vouch for it's effectiveness.

 

 

I guess I'm blinded by my love for her

 

So how do you get your sight back? You completely remove the thing blinding you...Her! (a.k.a you begin NC!)

 

I thought she was the one and believed her when she said I was the love of her life.

 

One thing you must must must must understand is that just because someone feels different now, it does not mean that everything they felt in the past was fake. You were the love of her life at that specific time, you did make her feel that way, and that is an amazing gift to have given her. Just because it is no longer that way, it does not mean that it wasn't real at the time. Do not discount these fantastic things that you as a great man and lover were able to give her - Many people do not have the capacity to make others feel this way, do not sell yourself short like this!

 

If your ex, a woman who seems to have not appreciated all the things you had to offer, can still feel like this about you at one stage or another, just imagine how a woman with her sh*t together will feel about you in the future!

 

I'm hoping this therapy I've been accepted for will help. Can take up to 8 weeks for the therapy treatment to begin so I'm just trying to keep busy and can't stand being on my own. I just feel so ill, and find it hard to focus on anything I'm doing.

Really do need advice.

 

Very good option, it will help you for sure! Your focus will slowly start to come back I guarantee that. Don't force it - If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like yelling, yell. Let your emotions flow but don't let them overtake you. Focus on yourself for yourself and yourself only. Try new things, rediscover old passions, learn new things about yourself. Some of the best advice I got was to begin to 'date myself'. This has allowed me to become very comfortable by myself, which in turn will have many benefits for when I am ready to find another person to share my life with.

Edited January 27, 2016 by louxor

[Harvey84]

Thanks for your advice Louxor

I know what you mean, reading back to myself what you highlighted does make it sink in for me.

I'm finding it hard because before I met her I was in a good place. 2 years down the line I have anxiety, low self esteem and all for what? Put everything I had into the relationship and she has erased me from her life like I never existed. I can't describe how much it's hurt me. I feel broke. Spend all my free time with my family as I can't stand being on my own and I know they are all worried about me which makes me feel guilt.

I even text my ex yesterday saying I'd been accepted for therapy. Thought she might actually care and want to know but no response from her.

Despite all the negative stuff going on I really did love her with all my heart and wish she would just say something to me or reply. I know it's stupid.

I'll take your advice now and go NC. It just makes things worse when I get blanked.

My friend said he saw her on tinder too so I feel like she is over me and I'm the one who is in pieces.

[Harvey84]

4 weeks ago we were talking about what we would call our kids and now it's over and she couldn't care less about me. It's so soul destroying for me.

[louxor]

Thanks for your advice Louxor

I know what you mean, reading back to myself what you highlighted does make it sink in for me.

I'm finding it hard because before I met her I was in a good place. 2 years down the line I have anxiety, low self esteem and all for what? Put everything I had into the relationship and she has erased me from her life like I never existed. I can't describe how much it's hurt me. I feel broke. Spend all my free time with my family as I can't stand being on my own and I know they are all worried about me which makes me feel guilt.

I even text my ex yesterday saying I'd been accepted for therapy. Thought she might actually care and want to know but no response from her.

Despite all the negative stuff going on I really did love her with all my heart and wish she would just say something to me or reply. I know it's stupid.

I'll take your advice now and go NC. It just makes things worse when I get blanked.

My friend said he saw her on tinder too so I feel like she is over me and I'm the one who is in pieces.

 

Tell your friends to never bring her up again because it does you no good. She is no longer part of your life, so what she's up to does not interest you (even if that is a lie for now, knowing what she's up to will not do anything but set you back)

 

As for moving on, it won't be something you just pass over quickly, even though you know she wasn't right for you. If you keep assuring yourself that it is okay to miss her, but that you will not let it get the better of you, you will start to begin to genuinely believe that you are better off without her, not just know you should be feeling that way, and with that you will start to notice each day become that less difficult.

 

4 weeks ago we were talking about what we would call our kids and now it's over and she couldn't care less about me. It's so soul destroying for me.

 

Yet another reason to add to the list of her negatives. Why would you want a woman who up and runs right away when things get bumpy with little to no regard for your feelings?

[Harvey84]

That's what I've been doing. Keep reminding myself that she was no good for me and it would never have worked out. I hope it does get easier Louxor, feel like such a fool for still trying to contact her over the last couple of weeks and being ignored.

I would like to think there is someone out there better for me, who will not take my good nature for weakness. Guess it's only been 3 weeks or so and I'm really not ready to go dating with anyone and it's all still very raw.

I think I still miss her because I have that void in my life, she was my first true love and I would of put up with all the negative stuff and stayed with her, even though that's not right.

[louxor]

That's what I've been doing. Keep reminding myself that she was no good for me and it would never have worked out. I hope it does get easier Louxor, feel like such a fool for still trying to contact her over the last couple of weeks and being ignored.

I would like to think there is someone out there better for me, who will not take my good nature for weakness. Guess it's only been 3 weeks or so and I'm really not ready to go dating with anyone and it's all still very raw.

I think I still miss her because I have that void in my life, she was my first true love and I would of put up with all the negative stuff and stayed with her, even though that's not right.

 

I feel like you took those words right out of my head from 5 or so months ago. My feelings were nearly identical, I didn't really believe what people told me on here at the time but I can't stress how right they were. It does get better over time I promise you that!

 

As time goes on you'll slowly fill that void up with other things, right now it hurts so much because she's all you know. She's your first true love, and because of this you don't know what it's like to lose someone you really love and then come back to love again - That's killer I know, I've just done all that. It's like anything in life, the first time is always the hardest, most nerve racking, most doubtful, because you haven't done it before so you don't know what is to come, and that is a scary thought.

 

You're on the right track right now - You have highlighted why she was no good, the next step is all about moving on to actually beleiving this

[Orion39]

Man that's heavy. So sorry that you have to experience something like that, especially from someone you care so much about. I too had a relationship that was on again off again and then it came to a point she told me to get the **** out of her life. I know what you mean when you talk about how can someone leave all that, I get that and it sucks. What makes it even more difficult is that you care so much about that it hurts. For my situation I had to let go and let her be. It was some time later that we were finally able to be friends again, but we never did date after that. Maybe something similar for you would work, some time apart that way you both can think without any influences from one another. I hope you are able to work things out and you can find a place that you can be happy.

[Harvey84]

Thanks Orion. Its weird I still get the urge to text her as I still do lover her.

I just keep going back to this thread and it kind of reminds me not too. As tough as it is I know it will only be a step backwards if i do.

I wont lie though, its been over 3 weeks and I still hurt like mad.

[louxor]

Thanks Orion. Its weird I still get the urge to text her as I still do lover her.

I just keep going back to this thread and it kind of reminds me not too. As tough as it is I know it will only be a step backwards if i do.

I wont lie though, its been over 3 weeks and I still hurt like mad.

 

These urges aren't weird, they're completely normal. Coming back to this read when you get these urges is great, do whatever you need to do to stay on track when these urges come. I personally would drop down on the floor and do some pushups every time I got these urges haha, it was a weird way of dealing with it but it worked - The endorphins released would help settle me down and level my head a little I guess

 

Don't be too hard on yourself - 3 weeks is not much time considering your relationship was 2 years. Although I don't believe in the whole "it takes half the length of your relationship to get over it", 3 weeks is definitely not long at all. It took me about a month and a half to feel a noticeable change, and a further month and a half to feel like I had my emotions under control.

[Harvey84]

I feel a bit better about it all today.

Had a talk with my older brother yesterday and he was giving me some advice which helped as well with the advice ive had on here.

Shes still the first thing that pops into my head when i wake up every morning and I still cant stop thinking about her. Or at least not for long.

Being my first proper love and long relationship i guess I will find it harder to get over it than she will. Still find myself wandering what she up to, then i remind myself why care? Got alot of love in me and im sure there's someone out there who will appreciate it alot more than my ex ever did.

Sounds silly but I haven't text her for a couple of days, I know its not long but I feel alot better for it. No waiting for a response thats never gonna come or another let down. Feel like i should just disappear of her radar completely and not give her the satisfaction that im still chasing her or she still has that control over me. I was always the one apologising or trying to sort things out whenever we broke up in the past.

Push ups sounds a good idea! Will def try that one.

[louxor]

I feel a bit better about it all today.

Had a talk with my older brother yesterday and he was giving me some advice which helped as well with the advice ive had on here.

Shes still the first thing that pops into my head when i wake up every morning and I still cant stop thinking about her. Or at least not for long.

Being my first proper love and long relationship i guess I will find it harder to get over it than she will. Still find myself wandering what she up to, then i remind myself why care? Got alot of love in me and im sure there's someone out there who will appreciate it alot more than my ex ever did.

Sounds silly but I haven't text her for a couple of days, I know its not long but I feel alot better for it. No waiting for a response thats never gonna come or another let down. Feel like i should just disappear of her radar completely and not give her the satisfaction that im still chasing her or she still has that control over me. I was always the one apologising or trying to sort things out whenever we broke up in the past.

Push ups sounds a good idea! Will def try that one.

 

This sounds a lot like what I was feeling during the early stages. Constantly waking up with her on my mind, thinking about her all day, feeling like she's over it while I was a mess, wondering what she was doing, waiting for a message that wasn't coming...I got through all of that, you can do the same without a doubt, just give it time. Time time time time time lol. It's so painfully cliched it hurts but its right on the point.

 

If the push-up thing works for you, I'd encourage you to take it further. While I was with my ex, the only deliberate physical activity I was doing was an exercise class once a week for an hour. Since then however (stemming from the push-up thing), I've discovered just how good physical activity makes me feel, both physically and mentally. I'm now going to the gym 3 times a week, I play basketball and mixed netball once a week, I have a kayak I take out at least once a week, and I've gotten back into an old hobby which is rowing. I'm probably a little more on the extreme side lol but my point is, once you find that thing that helps you, even if its just a little bit to being with, expand on it as much as you can and it will become something much more beneficial. Take my basketball and netball - Not only are these activities that benefit my mind and body, they are social activities and through them I have gained about 10 or so new friends, all who share similar interests.

Edited January 28, 2016 by louxor

[Harvey84]

Hey Luxour and thanks again for your sound advice.

Ive been applying for some voluntary work in my area and just trying to find something to do with my freetime now. Its like you said its a good way to meet other people, and give me something new in my life.

I probably sound like a broken record here but I really could not of done anymore for her. Its like she knew how much I loved her and still it wasnt enough. My brother says he cant wait for the day when i tell him ive met someone else. He says it will make me see that not all girls are like that.

Ive always been are very honest and open guy, sensitive too. She would be the opposite and I never really knew were i stood with her.

Trying my best to make her happy when all the time she was in defence mode (as she put it) since may just because we had different views on getting engaged.

Its so not right when i think about it, but I still love her!!!!

Maybe one day she'll realise that she pushed me away and not blame all the arguments and fallouts on me.

I saw my future with her, kids, marriage the lot.

I hope i find that feeling again with someone. Hard to see it the now!

[Qboro90]

I feel a bit better about it all today.

Had a talk with my older brother yesterday and he was giving me some advice which helped as well with the advice ive had on here.

Shes still the first thing that pops into my head when i wake up every morning and I still cant stop thinking about her. Or at least not for long.

Being my first proper love and long relationship i guess I will find it harder to get over it than she will. Still find myself wandering what she up to, then i remind myself why care? Got alot of love in me and im sure there's someone out there who will appreciate it alot more than my ex ever did.

Sounds silly but I haven't text her for a couple of days, I know its not long but I feel alot better for it. No waiting for a response thats never gonna come or another let down. Feel like i should just disappear of her radar completely and not give her the satisfaction that im still chasing her or she still has that control over me. I was always the one apologising or trying to sort things out whenever we broke up in the past.

Push ups sounds a good idea! Will def try that one.

 

I think the advice Luxour has given you is sound and the way to go. I just had another observation after reading your Op.

 

During your relationship you let her dictate the stability and future of things between you. She had control and could walk out, pick you back up again, then walk out and do it all over again. This original issue started a year ago when you had the fight about moving in together. What you could've done to really show her and put her in her place? The last time you spoke, you could've said "if you had just continued to show me you loved me as a person and wanted a future with me because of who I am after we had the disagreement about moving In together... Then you would've showed me exactly what I needed to see and would have a ring on your finger today.

 

Instead she pulled away, pouted, and threw tantrums because she wasn't getting what she wanted. She never showed you that she would be with you and support you no matter what. All she did was show you that all she cared about was a ring on her finger and the title of marriage along with the benefits (financial support included) that go with it.

 

You should consider yourself lucky that she wasn't smart enough to keep her behavior in check and just appease you for a little while longer because if she did, then odds are you eventually would've proposed and inherited all the debt she's carrying around. Then you'd be really screwed.

 

If she cared about you the way your future wife should... Then she wouldn't have left you, wouldn't have forced you to jump into things before you were ready, and wouldn't be single right now.

[VeveCakes]

It's good you are keeping NC and I think you made the right choice. She held a grudge for so long over your one comment about engagement I don't think she is ready for a healthy relationship. Stay strong.

[Harvey84]

The last time I had any communication or response from her was 3 weeks ago.

She suggested we go back to seeing each other once a week, start again. I agreed but had second thoughts. Told her I didn't want that, it took away all elements of the relationship that I loved and said she needs to listen to what I want too, and compromise. I got a reply of goodbye then, and that was it. Never heard from her since.

Qboro90 thanks for your input on it all. That's how I feel. She should of just been the girl I fell in love with at the beginning and I would of proposed, I was happy being together and always told her I'm not going anywhere and wanted to marry her someday. But she wasn't after that night and even when we spoke the last time she said I should of proposed when we were happy but I didn't. Said that I never would because I would of done it back then when everything was great.

Vevecakes that's how I saw it too. She said she had her defences up but that really does mean holding a grudge. NC is defo the best way, I've always went running back to her.

I just wish I hadn't of text her over the last few weeks telling her I miss her love her etc. Feel like I've lost some of dignity through this.

[louxor]

Hey Luxour and thanks again for your sound advice.

Ive been applying for some voluntary work in my area and just trying to find something to do with my freetime now. Its like you said its a good way to meet other people, and give me something new in my life.

 

Awesome! Keep at it with things like this. It might seem like a bit of an effort to get up and about to things like this to start with but in the long run you'll be grateful for it.

 

I probably sound like a broken record here but I really could not of done anymore for her. Its like she knew how much I loved her and still it wasnt enough. My brother says he cant wait for the day when i tell him ive met someone else. He says it will make me see that not all girls are like that.

Ive always been are very honest and open guy, sensitive too. She would be the opposite and I never really knew were i stood with her.

Trying my best to make her happy when all the time she was in defence mode (as she put it) since may just because we had different views on getting engaged.

Its so not right when i think about it, but I still love her!!!!

Maybe one day she'll realise that she pushed me away and not blame all the arguments and fallouts on me.

I saw my future with her, kids, marriage the lot.

I hope i find that feeling again with someone. Hard to see it the now!

 

All these feelings are completely normal - Even though she is bad for you, the emotional connection you have with her cannot be overcome with the click of your fingers. It's okay to still love her, but what's not okay is to let this blind you of the truth - But you're doing really well so far controlling this.

 

I still love many of my ex's, I'd be devastated if anything were to happen to them. The difference however is this idea of them being bad for me isn't an idea I try to accept, it's a fact I know is true. You can still love someone despite knowing they're not good for you.

 

 

The last time I had any communication or response from her was 3 weeks ago.

She suggested we go back to seeing each other once a week, start again. I agreed but had second thoughts. Told her I didn't want that, it took away all elements of the relationship that I loved and said she needs to listen to what I want too, and compromise. I got a reply of goodbye then, and that was it. Never heard from her since.

 

You tried to be reasonable, you offered a way towards working at a solution, but she didn't like it because you were standing up for what you wanted, and you weren't going to accept anything less. She left it there because she is not someone who knows how to compromise, and that is a terrible relationship trait to have. Good on you for standing up for your needs!

 

I just wish I hadn't of text her over the last few weeks telling her I miss her love her etc. Feel like I've lost some of dignity through this.

 

Don't worry too much about that - You were in the height of your emotions and most likely weren't thinking too clearly. Just use this as motivation to not let it happen again. You know how it will make you feel so you know why it's best to avoid

[Captivating]

Harvey,

What you are going through now is brutal ! It is the withdrawal that you are experiencing, it is an emotional roller coaster, ups and downs. Just know, that it is completely normal to feel like that. It will take time, but it will end, don't worry!

She seems to be very immature, if she doesn't get things her way she throws a tantrum. She might have been spoiled growing up in some ways. She is up to a rude awakening, because relationships don't work like that. Both parties wants and needs supposed to be considered, it's a two way street.

 

So, she will realize whom she lost, don't worry.

 

In the meantime in a way you enabled her behavior. You were always the one who compromised, in a way give yourself up in this relationship. You shouldn't have. She might have lost respect towards you and it turned her into a monster. Her behavior turned this relationship highly toxic, no **** that you have anxiety. Avoid her, stay far from people like her! What's in this for you ??? NOTHING ! If all you do is give, give, give and getting nothing in return.....

 

You need to convey your standards and boundaries in your relationship, be stern if you need to. Others perceive you how you perceive yourself.

 

Getting over a relationship takes a lot of time, be patient. Ups and downs. If you need to cry let it out. BUT start thinking of what she did for you, how she treated you, how she handles conflicts etc. It is a pretty grim picture, isn't it?? It shouldn't be in a great relationship.

 

Instead of putting her on the "pedestal", you will start to see her more clearly pretty soon.

When someone starts to show disrespect, don't put up with it ever!

 

No contact is the way to go to start healing, don't contact her. She has a LOT of maturing to do.

In a way it is a blessing that she revealed her true self before things got more serious. Just imagine living with a bridzilla

 

Harvey, occupy yourself with books, new hobbies, new experiences, surround yourself with good friends and family. Be a busy bee!

 

Please watch the video in my signature, it is great and very helpful. Keep us posted !!

Edited January 29, 2016 by Captivating

[soft86]

Hi Harvey!

 

Im going through the 5th week after my girlfriend left me.

 

Im not gonna write too much about my story because I want to get to what matters now, which is my experience of what helps me now being in a really similar situation as you.

 

I met her a little over a year ago in Paris and we fell in crazy love. Im a christian and she a muslim. It affected that from day 5 of our relationship I was interrogated by her oldest brother for more than hour about my intentions and my dedication. It felt unnatural but in a way good to show in real life that there is never a reason to lie about love or hide truths. So I felt good about myself and my girlfriend too. I am from Denmark, so we knew that one of us had to move at some point. She had just gotten out of a long term relationship with a drug addict which she wanted to rescue. She opened up more an more about her past and I realized how she was the one in need of rescue. Luckily for her, I am a soft, and loving guy like yourself so I found myself showing love that I didn't know that I was able to show in such amounts. I proved to myself that I could actually take on every challenge. Her family had started to push more and more for us getting a muslim wedding while I was reading books and journals on islam and how a multifaith marriage could work out. After all it was also her opinion that it could work out, but she started to realize that her family didn't agree and that I wouldn't make the conversion to islam (which is a necessary part of the muslim wedding). She never said one word those times her father was talking to me about the marriage. She would sit silently and watch me take her battle for her. I started to realize that she was not on my side any more, that there was now a distance between us. That she was weak. That she wasn't ready for any of the commitment she had asked of me. After a couple of weeks of terrible tension between me and her, which we didn't quite understand at the time, we decided to talk and figure out what it could be. I felt we found out what had made the distance, but decided to go on a week of break to figure what we wanted. That led to me really believing that we just needed to slow down and refocus on us and not her family and perhaps go away together and reestablish the intimacy that was gone. But she decided to leave me the night before christmas on a facetime call, and that was that.

She had also told me that I was the love of her life, that she wanted my kids, find a house together and all, which I always thought were very big words perhaps coming too soon, but we were really saying yes to the feeling life gave us and I went all inn for the first time in my life.

 

But I knew right away that I had done everything I could. That this breakup was caused by her and not me.

 

That's the short version... now for what I feel helps me move on:

 

1. Cry (which I hadn't done in 15 years). Why? because heartbreaks are called heartbreaks because that's what it feels like. its important to embrace the sadness for a while!!

2. Tell yourself that you can be proud of yourself for showing such tremendous love and devotion.

3. Get angry and sad because she quit and actually didn't treat you right! (Im still angry and upset, and up now at 4 am with a racing heart and shaky fingers.) I hope that I will be able to forgive her one day.

4. Get angry but try not to forget that you also had an amazing beginning which is something to be grateful for. Better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all. This will prevent you from constructing your past in a false way which could lead to bitterness.

5. If you are like me, you are a non-violent person. But today I started Thai Boxing and it felt so good to exercise and punch someone. LOL! no but for real! don't go to the gym, go to kick boxing or something and let some of the agression out. After all, grief and anxiety are very physical and needs an outlet, so a gym is not optimal in our case I believe.

6. No contact! Delete her from facebook, instagram and also her friends. Remove pictures of her from your phone! In stead of trying to tell her stuff, tell yourself things instead: "It's over for good!" "She does not want me for who I am" "I deserve someone who chooses me to!" "I am sad and in grief and that's ok".

7. What has really really helped me from my mind going in loops and insanity and depression is to go for walks and just look at girls with no intention of any approach. Look at them and tell yourself that they probably are super nice and sweet.

8. Go out to clubs and drink a few beers, without the intention of any approach or getting laid. You are not ready just yet for sex I think and that's also ok, because that time will come.

9. Start a series and when you get tired of that, go for a walk or write a friend if they want to go to the sauna. Treat yourself super good!

10. Follow "Brain Pickings" on Facebook. It's a page with lots of good posts that has helped me understand so much about why i'm anxious now and about why I want to be so good all the time. Also check out "Adam Philips - Missing Out". it all helps!

 

You know what you sound like a super kind and nice guy. Your Ex, (like mine) are out of touch with reality and nature and just high on licking the icing of the cake of life without the compassion, balls, or commitment to go through bumpy times.

 

You are better off without her and in fact deserve way better!

 

I wish you a healthy grieving period. it's natural when you've been let down like this. I felt I lost my reason to live and hit rock bottom just a few days ago but I start to feel that time is a healer and that life just really sucks for everybody in this deep way a handful of times every lifetime. But you grow stronger and get to know more about yourself I think. Now I need to to try and sleep though it's the time I get the most anxious. I pray that I God who is love will open my eyes to life again though I feel like drowning in a well. I really wish you the best!!

 

Good night!

[soft86]

and sorry for the length of that... I guess I had something to get off my chest too.

[Harvey84]

"In the meantime in a way you enabled her behavior. You were always the one who compromised, in a way give yourself up in this relationship. You shouldn't have. She might have lost respect towards you"

 

Captivating this is exactly how I feel. In the end it was her way or the highway and I had forgotten who I was as a person, like what I like to do and everything I thought about and did was all about her and the relationship.

Found myself walking on eggshells alot because I knew if I tried to speak to her about something I felt wasnt right it she would say I was a moaner, nipping her head. Then cause an argument and she would always hang up on me if it was on the phone. Lost count the amount of times she did that or just walk out on me.

I hope she does realise what shes lost. For me, Im the one left battling this anxiety and emotionally done in. Being told she was on tinder didnt help. Just feels like shes done with me and looking for the next fella. That really does hurt, 2 years together and its like shes forgot about it already.

Soft86 thanks for the tips. You sound like a good guy too and going through a similar thing. I find it hard to get a decent sleep. Keep waking up at 5am and then and start thinking about it all over again.

Wish you all the best in your recovery too.

All I know is her ex before me vandalised her car when they split. I asked her why and she said he was a nutcase. No explanation but i cant help think maybe he went through the same thing.

Even at xmas just gone by there we had a great time. She went over the top with gifts for me and I did spoil her too. I cant help but think maybe she was expecting me to propose that day and when I didnt she had had enough.

I dont want to blame her for everything but she always said she'd be there for me, help me through my anxiety problems when in fact she was making it worse and left when i was needing her support the most. That cant be love can it?