Jump to content

The car, the places, the phone


Recommended Posts

4 year relationship.

I am the dumpee.

She left after a confrontation one evening, and never came back (except to pick up her belongings).

 

Only short, formal communication about rent, etc.

Zero communication for about 3 weeks now.

I am definitely feeling much better.

 

Issues:

I still can't stop looking at my phone.

I still can't stop looking for her car on the streets (she moved in a new apartment in the same neighborhood), and we actually drove next to each other a few days ago.

One day I went to get some coffee at the local coffee shop. Saw her car parked there, and I just drove away.

It is still hard to go to grocery stores, etc.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

You're ~3 weeks in? Better get used to it - those feelings will be your new constant companions for some time.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You're ~3 weeks in? Better get used to it - those feelings will be your new constant companions for some time.

 

To make things worse, the other day we - coincidentally - drove next to each other on the freeway. What are the odds. A five second difference would be enough, but no. We kept trying to distance our cars from each other, but there was no way to avoid it until she turned into some street. Living in the same neighborhood, I guess that's bound to keep happening. Obviously not good for NC.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RandomTraveller
4 year relationship.

I am the dumpee.

She left after a confrontation one evening, and never came back (except to pick up her belongings).

 

Only short, formal communication about rent, etc.

Zero communication for about 3 weeks now.

I am definitely feeling much better.

 

Issues:

I still can't stop looking at my phone.

I still can't stop looking for her car on the streets (she moved in a new apartment in the same neighborhood), and we actually drove next to each other a few days ago.

One day I went to get some coffee at the local coffee shop. Saw her car parked there, and I just drove away.

It is still hard to go to grocery stores, etc.

 

Damn, happens to me too... she have this car she bought like 1 month b4 we broke up.

Every f* time I see that car model I immediately think to her. And this car in my city is too f* popular

 

Also the common places we always visited together are kinda a disaster. I've been in a lot of them but some of them like specific bars... I still can't go in :(

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Very normal my friend. Sorry for you pain and situation. I saw my ex in my minds eye for months. I saw her car everywhere I went. I anticipated seeing her in every store, restaurant and bar I entered. It's normal and it is going to last a while.

I blocked her and her friends from social media. Deleted her number. Threw out everything that reminded me of her. I disappeared off the face of the earth to her.

I hit the gym. Read a ton of articles and even books on healing. I kept a journal. I went to therapy. Nothing helps over night, but I believe the decrease the time needed to heal. Do what works for you and she will eventually fade from you thoughts.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I always found that I'd see my ex's name everywhere... can't recall ever noticing it before, but then it was like the world was torturing me.

 

 

You will notice these things too, like her car and even her, because she's still the most important thing on your mind. Just fight through them. You can't force yourself to heal anymore than you can force yourself to love. It just happens when it happens.

 

 

Oh and I had the phone thing too, even took me a long time to delete all her messages and her number from it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

Still struggling with the car/phone issue.

 

I also noticed that mornings are particularly hard. As soon as I wake up, she is all over my mind - I wonder if it is because during that waking period our minds are just adapting to reality and thoughts are all over the place. Whatever the reason, early mornings are tough. As the day goes by, reasoning takes over and I pretty much function in peace, as I can focus my attention on work and other aspects of life. Until bedtime.

 

During sleep, only a few scattered dreams about her.

Nothing bad enough to wake me up in panic mode, so far.

 

Alarm rings in the morning -- my mind is hijacked again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Still struggling with the car/phone issue.

 

I also noticed that mornings are particularly hard. As soon as I wake up, she is all over my mind - I wonder if it is because during that waking period our minds are just adapting to reality and thoughts are all over the place. Whatever the reason, early mornings are tough. As the day goes by, reasoning takes over and I pretty much function in peace, as I can focus my attention on work and other aspects of life. Until bedtime.

 

During sleep, only a few scattered dreams about her.

Nothing bad enough to wake me up in panic mode, so far.

 

Alarm rings in the morning -- my mind is hijacked again.

 

Ya, for sure! I wake up a few times throughout the night and my mind is flooded with her and her image. Then in the morning it comes on very strong, but as the day goes on my focus is elsewhere. I'm sure if you think back to a week or 2 ago you will see that these feelings/images in your mind are not as strong as they were. A couple weeks ago I used to go home from work and seriously think she would be there haha. That feeling has passed.

 

I now go to bed listening to interesting podcasts and as soon as I wake up I continue the podcast while I get ready for the day. It keeps my attention on something other than her.

 

What's really helped me is convincing myself how much energy and attention I am wasting on this person. I mean you literally "pay" attention and she doesn't deserve my attention. It's helped..

Edited by Brando
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I now go to bed listening to interesting podcasts and as soon as I wake up I continue the podcast while I get ready for the day. It keeps my attention on something other than her.

 

What's really helped me is convincing myself how much energy and attention I am wasting on this person. I mean you literally "pay" attention and she doesn't deserve my attention. It's helped..

 

Thanks, Brando. I will definitely try the podcasts. Sounds like a great idea.

As far as the attention - yes, attention IS everything. From the moment you are "attending" something, you are living it. That's where your mind is. That's why distraction is such an important thing during this time, because it forces your focus towards another object, finally giving your mind a little rest.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I still can't stop looking at my phone. I was not ready to remove him so I put his number under a specific ring tone. If I didn't hear, it means there was nothing from him so I didn't check my phone.

 

I still can't stop looking for her car on the streets (she moved in a new apartment in the same neighborhood), and we actually drove next to each other a few days ago. I did the same thing. He lived nearby. And everytime I saw a car that looked like his, my heart would somersault.

 

One day I went to get some coffee at the local coffee shop. Saw her car parked there, and I just drove away. Saw him at the grocery store and left my cart and ran to my car.

 

It is still hard to go to grocery stores, etc. - I know. Cried standing at the detergent aisle. He used Tide. I had to change my route to work, grocery stores, gym, etc.

 

It's going to take time. It's only been 3 weeks and you're in the thick of it. Mornings were very hard for me. It was the realization, the reality dawning on me the moment I opened my eyes. After awhile I had to kick myself out of bed the moment I opened my eyes. It was the only way to distract and get myself going. Dreams were difficult for me to handle. Pains you'll have to go through in order to get to the other side.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
blackbird_brokenwing
Still struggling with the car/phone issue.

 

I also noticed that mornings are particularly hard. As soon as I wake up, she is all over my mind - I wonder if it is because during that waking period our minds are just adapting to reality and thoughts are all over the place. Whatever the reason, early mornings are tough. As the day goes by, reasoning takes over and I pretty much function in peace, as I can focus my attention on work and other aspects of life. Until bedtime.

 

During sleep, only a few scattered dreams about her.

Nothing bad enough to wake me up in panic mode, so far.

 

Alarm rings in the morning -- my mind is hijacked again.

Exactly the same. I keep waiting for my phone to light up with her name and emojis I had as her contact info for the last year and a half. I keep expecting to hear her ring tone.

 

Waking up is without a doubt the absolute WORST. I think I escaped her for a little bit while I was sleeping, or was able to think positively about her. Then the alarm goes off and it all comes crashing back to me. I have to get up and face life without her, and it's a new devastation every day.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I had to kick myself out of bed the moment I opened my eyes. It was the only way to distract and get myself going.

 

Absolutely, Zahara! That's the way I am dealing with it as well. Staying in bed is THE worst. It's been more than a three weeks at this point, since the original post is a bit older -- the actual BU was in mid December.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I have to get up and face life without her, and it's a new devastation every day.

 

At least I am no longer sleeping on "my" side of the bed.

It hurt to turn and not having her there.

Now I make sure I sleep in the middle of it :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's some real talk for you.

 

It took about 8ish months for me to stop looking for his car in my parking lot. I stopped going to pretty much every place I had a chance of running into him. I knew my heart couldn't handle it. After I stopped looking for his car, he happened to be in the coffee shop next door to my work one day when I walked in. He saw me and bolted. That was probably the best thing he could have done. It really shook me though because he knows I go there everyday. Why in the hell would he chance running into me???

 

I ran into his dad at a furniture store near my job recently. I literally bolted from the store and it's been a year. I do not want to go back to feeling like I did right after the breakup.

 

The phone thing is the hardest to break. Block her. Completely. It helps your peace of mind to know that when you look at your phone it won't be coming from her. I also left my phone at home a lot after the breakup or purposely let it die so I could not obsess over his lack of contact.

 

I promise it goes away eventually. But three weeks postBU is not a long time. Everything is going to be a little raw right now. Whatever you do though, do not purposely run into her because it can lead to no good things. You cannot handle what she has to say.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Absolutely, Zahara! That's the way I am dealing with it as well. Staying in bed is THE worst. It's been more than a three weeks at this point, since the original post is a bit older -- the actual BU was in mid December.

 

It was the absolute worst! At the time I didn't even have this board to seek help. I remember so clearly -- opening my eyes and there'd be one part of my brain going, "Oh, he's gone..." and before I could even finish that thought, the other part of my brain would be going, "Ok, up, up, up. Brush your teeth. I should make an omelette for breakfast but I'll shower first. What to wear...." I would stuff my head with this and that and make myself think of other things. It was exhausting!

 

But then there was that day. As I was getting out of bed, I remember saying, "Hmm...I haven't thought about him in awhile." And off I went on with my day. It will come. Just stay strong and come here to ask for help and motivation!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Just stay strong and come here to ask for help and motivation!

 

Oh, I am not going anywhere. These boards have helped me SO much.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
RandomTraveller
Still struggling with the car/phone issue.

 

I also noticed that mornings are particularly hard. As soon as I wake up, she is all over my mind - I wonder if it is because during that waking period our minds are just adapting to reality and thoughts are all over the place. Whatever the reason, early mornings are tough. As the day goes by, reasoning takes over and I pretty much function in peace, as I can focus my attention on work and other aspects of life. Until bedtime.

 

During sleep, only a few scattered dreams about her.

Nothing bad enough to wake me up in panic mode, so far.

 

Alarm rings in the morning -- my mind is hijacked again.

 

 

Same here man. I dream her almost every night. Mornings are pure pain.

In my case what I do immediately after wake up is a little bit of workout, than get ready/shower/etc and run away from my house.

Same goes during the day, I feel better usually, then when the night falls the pain comes out again.

 

So for me nights are usually worst cause I feel the loneliness. If I have to cry I try to cry, even force it a little bit if necessary

 

Crying is a good anti depressant

 

 

 

And yep, almost 8th week after break up and I'm still struggling with the car thing. I see her everywhere

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Anytime of the day is bad for me. I'm currently not working, having lost my job of 27 years, late last year. So I don't have much to take up my time at the moment. Dreams of her can put a real dampener on the rest of the day, and with little to do and few people to talk to irregularly, it sucks. I no longer look at my phone expecting it to be her though, I know she won't contact me, even if now and then I hope it might be her. I have written so many messages to her on my iPad, things I want to say, some from anger some from wanting her back, but none sent I'm pleased to say. I have found writing things out and getting it off my chest in that way therapeutic though. It's certainly helped.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It took me almost a year to wake up and not think about him. I still think about him everyday, but the thoughts are few and far between. And the thoughts don't bring a wave of emotions. After 4 years, a lot of stuff is going to hurt and remind you of her. It takes a good, long while before you can find peace. It took me a year before I would go to his side of town. A friend asked me to meet her at a restaurant on that side of town, and I was a bit anxious. Being there was like being on my old stomping grounds, the grocery store I used to shop at, the places we used to eat, knowing he lived just down the road. And those feelings were a full year after our breakup.

 

About 6 months ago, a friend asked me to meet her for dinner at the restaurant where my ex and I had our first date. The restaurant was one we always revisited on anniversaries, and it was special to us. I didn't even hesitate when she asked me to go. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't get emotional. I remembered my first date with my ex with relatively no emotion, and I realized time had moved on. You will be okay in time. You will be able to remember the good times without becoming a bawling mess. The emotions will become less and less as you make new memories.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It took me a year before I would go to his side of town. A friend asked me to meet her at a restaurant on that side of town, and I was a bit anxious. Being there was like being on my old stomping grounds, the grocery store I used to shop at, the places we used to eat, knowing he lived just down the road. And those feelings were a full year after our breakup.

 

In my case it might be even harder because I heard she moved just down the street from me. So pretty much ANY coffee shop, grocery store, etc. is a potential risk. Even driving on these streets.

 

You will be able to remember the good times without becoming a bawling mess. The emotions will become less and less as you make new memories.

 

That's a fascinating aspect of the memory/ego process. In time, in order to protect us and gives us energy to keep looking for potential partners, our brains tend to filter and select good memories after a long period of time. Think of a trip, for instance. Unless it was horrible, your memories will tend to be about the positive experiences, even if you had missed a flight or had a bad meal or a big argument with your partner. Obviously there were good times during the relationship, and years from now, those are the memories I want to keep. I just don't want to be sad, bitter or anger for the rest of my life.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I have written so many messages to her on my iPad, things I want to say, some from anger some from wanting her back, but none sent I'm pleased to say. I have found writing things out and getting it off my chest in that way therapeutic though. It's certainly helped.

 

It does. Usually the next day, when you take a second look at the message you wrote, you realize it was a great choice not to send it. Still, it had to be written. I have mine in a drawer. I am waiting for the day I can just trash them without a second thought. That will be the day this whole situation doesn't bother me anymore and became irrelevant in my life. I know that day will come.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
That's a fascinating aspect of the memory/ego process. In time, in order to protect us and gives us energy to keep looking for potential partners, our brains tend to filter and select good memories after a long period of time. Think of a trip, for instance. Unless it was horrible, your memories will tend to be about the positive experiences, even if you had missed a flight or had a bad meal or a big argument with your partner. Obviously there were good times during the relationship, and years from now, those are the memories I want to keep. I just don't want to be sad, bitter or anger for the rest of my life.

 

I was worried I would be sad/bitter for the rest of my life, and I didn't want that either. I've heard that the best way to counteract sad memories is to immediately make new memories. Eventually, those old memories fade away and aren't so painful. I think back to my first love over 15 years ago. I have virtually no bad memories, and the good ones are even harder to access. Times just goes by, and you end up having a new life. Oh, at the time I was so sad that we broke up. I was so in love with him. I can't even remember that now.

 

My recent ex and I broke up almost 3 years ago, and I have been NC for 2 years. Though, I really don't think of it as NC anymore. I just think of not contacting him as normal. At first, I couldn't even stand to think of good memories because it was so painful. It was easier to think of bad memories or mean things he had done. We used to travel a lot, and I cried on my first solo trip. It was a miserable experience even though I was in a beautiful place. Last summer, I visited a place we had always talked about going, and it was so much fun. I took my mom, and we had a blast. I didn't think about my ex at all, and I just focused on making great memories with my mom. Now, I am able to remember trips with my ex, and, while I don't dwell on them, I'm able to say that I was thankful for the experience. I'm able to remember those times without being sad about it.

 

So you will get there, but it takes time. It come in stages. It happens when you don't expect it. When I was at my lowest, I would come to LS and read threads about people who had moved on. That gave me hope.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

There.

 

Just saw her again. As I was arriving at the grocery store (I was still in my car), saw her leaving the place.

 

I can't afford moving right now. She just moved to her new place down the street.

 

This is going to be a hell of a year.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
There.

 

Just saw her again. As I was arriving at the grocery store (I was still in my car), saw her leaving the place.

 

I can't afford moving right now. She just moved to her new place down the street.

 

This is going to be a hell of a year.

 

 

That sucks man. I spend my time avoiding spots where I might run into my ex. You seem like that's kind of unavoidable. I haven't left my house this weekend besides to go to the gym. I know I should get up and do something, but I'm just not up for it. I've been invited by friends and family to do all sorts of things, but honestly, my bed and funny movies sounds better. Happy birthday weekend to me!! 31 is off to a great start!! Can't even leave my room....feels like I've regressed....weekends have always been the worst for me though.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
That sucks man. I spend my time avoiding spots where I might run into my ex. You seem like that's kind of unavoidable. I haven't left my house this weekend besides to go to the gym. I know I should get up and do something, but I'm just not up for it. I've been invited by friends and family to do all sorts of things, but honestly, my bed and funny movies sounds better. Happy birthday weekend to me!! 31 is off to a great start!! Can't even leave my room....feels like I've regressed....weekends have always been the worst for me though.

 

Oh, first of all... I wish you a happy birthday, Brando. And by that I mean a peaceful one. I know "happy" isn't a very meaningful term right now, and "peace" is all we really want.

 

I completely agree about the weekends. During the week we can stay distracted with work and other responsibilities, while weekends seem to be just waiting around the corner, ready to strike. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was for me not to jump out of the car and go straight to her. Damn, I miss her; I miss her voice, I miss looking at her face, I miss touching her skin. But that's all irrelevant now. I came back home with my groceries and she went to her place with hers -- we are strangers now.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...