Snowyriver Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 New years eve I got drunk and broke up with my fiance. December is a bad month for me it's the month my parents died and holidays without them are hard. I had a lot of time off during December because of my industry. She had to work constantly and I was left alone. I became more needy wanting more time with her. When I didn't get the time with her I drank. I tried things like cooking and setting up romantic dinners for her on the weekdays when she normally spent time with friends. It would work most times but then sometimes she'd leave after dinner to spend time with her best friend who's single and 9 months pregnant. How could I refuse? I had always had a promise to her I would never tell her what she could or couldnt. Fast forward to new years eve. I started to have a few drinks and decided to make a romantic dinner. I had been out of pocket all day so she couldn't reach me. I call her up about an hour before she gets off to tell her what a surprise I have for her. She proceeds to tell me that she's been trying to get ahold of me all day to tell me she was having dinner with that friend of hers. I got pissed and told her how many times she puts that person before me. She hangs up. So I get so mad she hung up on me I show up at her office and tell her if she doesn't come home after work she needs to get her **** and her dog and get the f out of my house. I left. I went home I wasn't completely drunk yet so I finished myself off. I wake up at 11 sober and notice her ring not the dresser. I call for the dog. No dog. I got so sad about what I've done ashamed and embarrassed. I called several times and txted. I got no response. I looked on Facebook the next day and it showed that she was in a relationship with her x. I called and spoke to her dad which I consider a good friend. He told me she came home crying asking to move back in but said she moved in with that guy instead who also took in her friend mentioned before. It's been almost a month. I haven't heard a word except from here dad saying she seems happy...I had one bad month really just 2 bad weeks. I don't understand how we could go from trying to conceive children and a month from the wedding to her going straight back to him. We were madly in love. Will she come back? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Snip: I don't understand how we could go from trying to conceive children and a month from the wedding to her going straight back to him. We were madly in love. Will she come back? It certainly sounds like its over. I don't think she'll come back. You should examine your relationship with alcohol. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DarkHorizon Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I agree... I also lost my four year relationship due to alcohol - among other things. The price was too high. I will never drink again. Three months sober now. Focus on yourself, and not her actions. At this point, it is all about you and your healing, not about her or her new relationship. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I hope you get help with your alcohol problem and then find a woman who is faithful. It sounds like she wasn't. It would best to fix your alcohol problem before starting a new relationship with anyone. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snowyriver Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 I do apologize I should've made it clear that drinking was out of character for me. Up until Dec the 8th the 1 year date of my father's death was the first drink I had since 4th July and then super bowl in February I have drank in the last year. I do take full responsibility for drinking too much and for the wrong reasons. I did mention to her father I would speak to my Dr about depression and find a better coping mechanism also that I would never drink again. Drinking is something I really walked away from in my 20s. That being said will she ever speak to me again? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DrMario Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Why would you want her back after she left you and moved in with her ex boyfriend?, I don't condone your drunken behavior for a second but to do what she did?, there's no excuse for that, sounds to me like she's a poor excuse for a human being and it's better she showed this side of her now rather than reveal it after you guys tied the knot, that would only hurt you more, it's no mystery, some women are cold and ruthless, they will break your heart and move on at the speed of light, I would focus on yourself now and do what is best for you, making sure you avoid the bottle and seek professional help to come to terms with your bereavement, a nice faithful lady is just around the corner for you, don't look back on this one. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 She was lying about seeing her 9 month pregnant friend. She was seeing her ex behind your back. I would bet my bottom dollar on it. Don't take her cheating ass back, even if she begs! Be glad that you didn't marry or have kids with her because you'd be in a much worse position! 9 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I fully agree with DrMario above but adding, this was likely in the works for some time before....she was hanging out with said GF alot instead of you....didn't know the GF lived with the ExBF.....I'll bet there is something deeper here than just her exit.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DrMario Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Completely agree with the poster above, almost always there is something underneath the bs, even if you think "she couldn't/wouldn't possibly...do this.. To me..." Sadly it happens, even when you truly think the best of people and put your faith in them, anybody is capable of the most messed up things, sounds like to me, she had the jitters when it came to being married and sounds like to me, she wanted to go back to a previous lifestyle, I think like most do, she'll regret it and she'll be back, don't leave that open though, slam it in her face. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
isolatedgothic Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 You asked if we think she will ever speak to you again. My guess is yes, she will. This quickie relationship she has rushed off and gotten in to will not fix whatever packages of dysfunction she carries around with her, and it will get old. She will start to think about you and remember the good times and the promises you made and the dreams you both had, and she will make some simpering attempt at contacting you again. I have to agree with the others who say that she had this ex in the works for a while. However, if it was a sudden decision on her part, it just shows how uncommitted she was in the first place. Please don't let yourself cry too much over a girl like this. How shallow could her feelings be that she could move out of your place one day, and move in with another man the next? I do not know of many stable relationships that begin that way, so I look for her to miss you and contact you. I hope that you'll be healed up enough that you won't care to respond to whatever crumbs she eventually throws you. I hope you'll get into some grief counseling, because losing your parents is not something you "snap out of", and it certainly isn't something that can be cured by drinking. Find a good grief counselor or grieving group and lean on others who are going through what you are going through. That's why we're here on this earth - to be there for others. Take care of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thistooshallpass21 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Time to have that "don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out" attitude. She was literally in a new relationship a day later and you guys were engaged...this was going to happen either way either soon or much worse later on after marriage. I know it hurts, but be thankful you dodged a bullet in a sense. The one thing I hate hearing more than anything is let go and move on, so I'm going to tell you something different...put it in Gods hands (I'm not super religious, but it helps). The big man upstairs always has a plan. Good luck brotha 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snowyriver Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Thanks you guys for being here and responding. I don't think she was cheating. It has crossed my mind. I do know some things for a fact. She was very hurt by this from what her family said. This ex is a piece of crap that lived off her for a year. He can't keep a job. Also his little sister is a close friend of hers. I do know that night he offered to take her and the pregnant friend in if she came back. I really do think it's awful to do that to me; going back to him. I believe it was done to hurt me and also to avoid moving back home. I do have a high opinion of her character so I just find cheating hard to believe. She was excited about the wedding and we tried to conceive the night before I did all this. We shared so many memories and adventures together. I just can't let go. The only thing I can think to do is let her go and not to contact her until she contacts me. I'm not sure if I will accept the call or respond to a txt yet. I do know for sure I love her unconditionally. I just don't know if she can forgive me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 How do you go from engaged to living with your ex in one day. She obviously was not that truly invested in your relationship. Sorry, I think you dodged a bullet. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
DrMario Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 How do you go from engaged to living with your ex in one day. She obviously was not that truly invested in your relationship. Sorry, I think you dodged a bullet. It's called CHS (carp head syndrome) when somebody is so incredibly stupid they might as well have mental capacity of a fish, it's a real thing... I think, I'm a real doctor.... I swear 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 December is a bad month for me it's the month my parents died and holidays without them are hard. I had a lot of time off during December because of my industry. She had to work constantly and I was left alone. I became more needy wanting more time with her. [...] I tried things like cooking and setting up romantic dinners for her on the weekdays when she normally spent time with friends Wasn't she there for you anyway while you were vulnerable? I hope you'll get into some grief counseling, because losing your parents is not something you "snap out of", and it certainly isn't something that can be cured by drinking. Find a good grief counselor or grieving group I agree with this. Loosing your parents can be very traumatic depending on your age, the way it happened and your relationship with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snowyriver Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 I didn't come right out and say " I hate Dec because mom dad birthdays and holidays without them" until a week before this happened when she asked why I was drinking. I said I was unhappy.she thought I meant with her so then I explained that...believe me it baffles me she jumped into it with that guy when only days before on christmas eve she sends me a txt that I can't forget "I love you so much babe I love going to bed with you every night and kissing you goodbye every morning. I can't wait for the rest of our lives together." How can you love someone then they make a mistake and just turn that off. I'm so confused. I don't know I haven't dated much I lost 7 years to taking care of my parents. She was the first relationship I had since then. I'm just a basket case I guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 How can you love someone then they make a mistake and just turn that off. You can't. The only logical explanation is that she was not emotionally invested in the relationship for a long time before that, and was feeding you lies / keeping you sweet, because she enjoyed some benefits of the relationship and didn't want to lose them. I would not be at all surprised, if she were secretly on the pill while "trying to conceive". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) I've never heard of a fiance, calling off the wedding, and puts the next day on FB that she's in a relationship with someone else. This is the strangest and lowest behavior I've ever heard in my life. You can get rid of your guilt. It's not you at all, it's only her, and it would have happened anyway, with or without your drinking. It's better for you that you found out about it before the wedding. You are not the first couple who has extreme fights shortly before the wedding. Even if one fight can lead to a wedding cancellation, it doesn't happen immediatelly. If the wedding meant even just a little to her, she would have waited for few days, consulting her family, friends, having thoughts, meeting you, and so and so... Wedding is a serious matter. Cheating? Probably yes. not constantly but i wouldn't be surprised if she had sex with him few times just recently. His bed was ready for her in such a short notice, these things doesn't happen by themselves, and not so spontaneously. I'm so sorry for you, but i think you know only 1\9 of the truth. It's a different issue, but i advice you to take care of your drinking problem. Edited January 21, 2016 by lolablue17 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I didn't come right out and say " I hate Dec because mom dad birthdays and holidays without them" until a week before this happened when she asked why I was drinking. I said I was unhappy.she thought I meant with her so then I explained that...believe me it baffles me she jumped into it with that guy when only days before on christmas eve she sends me a txt that I can't forget "I love you so much babe I love going to bed with you every night and kissing you goodbye every morning. I can't wait for the rest of our lives together." How can you love someone then they make a mistake and just turn that off. I'm so confused. I don't know I haven't dated much I lost 7 years to taking care of my parents. She was the first relationship I had since then. I'm just a basket case I guess. Snowyriver, she sounds emotionally retarded. Seriously! You sound like a good and caring guy. I also bet you are not a basket case. You really only are having really bad luck. I do know from experience though that when you are used to taking care it can result in attracting people who expect you to take care of them. My guess is that the balance in your relationship was a bit off. For now try to grief first and when you feel a bit better you might want to look into codependency. There are good things waiting for you I am sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snowyriver Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 That's probably why she won't talk to me. She knows what she did feels guilty and can't face me. If she cheated on me, which she's not that type of person, but did it anyways. she probably blames me for making her a cheater. The things I have said to justify this and forgive her in my head is: she's young 23 I'm 32. She was about to get married had doubts. Wondered if she still had feelings for him. He gets along with her friends I don't. He smokes weed.she quit when she was with me. She may had to figure these things out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 That's probably why she won't talk to me. She knows what she did feels guilty and can't face me. If she cheated on me, which she's not that type of person, but did it anyways. she probably blames me for making her a cheater. The things I have said to justify this and forgive her in my head is: she's young 23 I'm 32. She was about to get married had doubts. Wondered if she still had feelings for him. He gets along with her friends I don't. He smokes weed.she quit when she was with me. She may had to figure these things out. The way she made plans for NYE with her friends without even asking or consulting you, this is how you behave with FWB, not with you fiance. I've never heard of this kind of relationship. I'm married for many years, (far from a fresh lovey dovey young couple like you should be) and still trying to match my schedule with my wife. Not to mention holidays and so... She had doubts? She already checked out long ago! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 At 23..she lacks the maturity and that's why she so foolishly changed her FB status the next day. No matter what you did... and you acted inappropriately by making the demand....but still her actions were ridiculous. If my fiancé spoke the way you did.. I would break up with him..but I wouldn't move back with the Ex or change status. She was cheating or she just wants to hurt you. Which do you really think it is? It could be both of course. I honestly think she'd have cheated in marriage anyway. She's way too childish for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 That's probably why she won't talk to me. She knows what she did feels guilty and can't face me. If she cheated on me, which she's not that type of person, but did it anyways. she probably blames me for making her a cheater. The things I have said to justify this and forgive her in my head is: she's young 23 I'm 32. She was about to get married had doubts. Wondered if she still had feelings for him. He gets along with her friends I don't. He smokes weed.she quit when she was with me. She may had to figure these things out. But you don't have a role in whether she does or not. Not your circus, not your monkeys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I started to have a few drinks and decided to make a romantic dinner. I had been out of pocket all day so she couldn't reach me. I call her up about an hour before she gets off to tell her what a surprise I have for her. She proceeds to tell me that she's been trying to get ahold of me all day to tell me she was having dinner with that friend of hers. I got pissed and told her how many times she puts that person before me. She hangs up. So I get so mad she hung up on me I show up at her office and tell her if she doesn't come home after work she needs to get her **** and her dog and get the f out of my house. I left. I went home I wasn't completely drunk yet so I finished myself off. I wake up at 11 sober and notice her ring not the dresser. I call for the dog. She was already involved with him....you confronting her at her work, while inappropriate, provided her with an exit strategy that i am confident she had been looking for a long time. Thus the disengaging behavior, and plans with her "friend" instead of you on NYE.....hell, she didn't even wait to see if you wanted to join her....she simply informed you that on NYE, she was out with friends. Tough situation here brother however, it truly is better now than to find out 2 years down the road and finding out the kid you've been raising, isn't yours......I see that as a real possibility with her lack of maturity. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snowyriver Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 Made up my mind I wouldn't take her back nor talk to her if she tried. Thanks for all y'alls help. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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