Jump to content

Broke up 1 year ago, BUT made contact :-(


Recommended Posts

Hello LS. It's been about a year since my ex & I broke up and moved out of our shared space. During the initial few months I really thought we'd never ,ever make contact again... But we did. And I wonder if that's what has made it so hard to just get him out of my head.

 

Quick background: he proposed within 2 months of dating . I said yes. Soon after I started noticing his temper getting really eratic when I offended him or if he got jealous. So the constant discord forced me to tell him "I think we should live in different places". He was in shock b/c he didn't think things were that bad. He was also very angry b/c wed never spent a day without each other since we started dating. He wouldnt let it happen. I wanted to kick myself for not insisting that we take things slower.... Ughhh! But I couldnt fake it or put up with him any longer just because he put a ring on my finger or just to say I had a man. .I deal with issues soberly and can't take a drink to forget his emotional abuse and controlling ways. So when things were bad,I felt REALLY bad.... We went to couples therapy twice.he then said he'd never go again because nothing was wrong with him and that he didn't need anybody to tell him how to treat his woman. We still had too many ups and downs. Things seemed to get more calm toward the end of our relationship.

 

A few months ago we reached out to one another. I kind of felt bad for hurting him with the shock of the break up and I did sincerely care for him,so I texted him askinghow he was doing and he responded very pleasantly. Then he started calling a few times. His pet peeve with me was that I didn't call him enough. I like texting ,yes especially if we're living together and talking every single day at home. Anyway, one Saturday morning he called to see if I wanted to connect with him for coffee. I didn't get his message until about 2 hrs later bcuz I was at an event for work. We spoke though and he tried rescheduling for the next day but I couldn't make it again. Our communication wasn't regular after that but we did communicate nonetheless. He kept his family abreast of my birthday and a few other things in my life and they contacted me as well.that made me feel special. He contacted my Mom on her birthday.I contacted his family as well b,,/c we did have a bond. Thing is......now, we've both started seeing other people and its kind of sad.

 

It got to the point where the guy I "was" seeing noticed my sadness and told me how it affected him how I was thinking about some other guy while we were together. We spoke openly about stuff like that bcuz we're pretty good friends, even before I met my ex-fiance.

 

So now I wonder sometimes:

 

-did I miss my time to rekindle anything with my ex-fiance?

-He's probably not changed but should I have been more direct in telling him that I wanted us to try again?

-Is it definitely too late since we've been seeing other people?

-He lives nowhere close to me but he would contact me saying he was "in the area"... Was that his way of telling me he wanted us to " try again"?

 

I'm confused these days...help. Our last correspondence was about a month ago, btw.

 

Thanks guys and gals...

Edited by luvflower
Link to post
Share on other sites

Luvflower, this sounds soooo much like my breakup and previous situation. I guess it's just a common situation .

 

I'm not sure I'd say you "missed" out on anything. He sounds like he loved you a lot,but part of that sounds more like lots of passion and his desire to control you more than anything. Too much passion can be obsessive and unhealthy. I read some of your other thread about breaking up w/him.

 

So yes of course you could have been more reciprocal to his advances a while ago, but think about it. Would you really want to still be dealing with his controlling natureand??? You would need to find out if he's gotten help to assist in his trust issues. Sounds like tried displacing his anger on you from other sources.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hello LS. It's been about a year since my ex & I broke up and moved out of our shared space. During the initial few months I really thought we'd never ,ever make contact again... But we did. And I wonder if that's what has made it so hard to just get him out of my head.

 

Quick background: he proposed within 2 months of dating . I said yes. Soon after I started noticing his temper getting really eratic when I offended him or if he got jealous. So the constant discord forced me to tell him "I think we should live in different places". He was in shock b/c he didn't think things were that bad. He was also very angry b/c wed never spent a day without each other since we started dating. He wouldnt let it happen. I wanted to kick myself for not insisting that we take things slower.... Ughhh! But I couldnt fake it or put up with him any longer just because he put a ring on my finger or just to say I had a man. .I deal with issues soberly and can't take a drink to forget his emotional abuse and controlling ways. So when things were bad,I felt REALLY bad.... We went to couples therapy twice.he then said he'd never go again because nothing was wrong with him and that he didn't need anybody to tell him how to treat his woman. We still had too many ups and downs. Things seemed to get more calm toward the end of our relationship.

 

A few months ago we reached out to one another. I kind of felt bad for hurting him with the shock of the break up and I did sincerely care for him,so I texted him askinghow he was doing and he responded very pleasantly. Then he started calling a few times. His pet peeve with me was that I didn't call him enough. I like texting ,yes especially if we're living together and talking every single day at home. Anyway, one Saturday morning he called to see if I wanted to connect with him for coffee. I didn't get his message until about 2 hrs later bcuz I was at an event for work. We spoke though and he tried rescheduling for the next day but I couldn't make it again. Our communication wasn't regular after that but we did communicate nonetheless. He kept his family abreast of my birthday and a few other things in my life and they contacted me as well.that made me feel special. He contacted my Mom on her birthday.I contacted his family as well b,,/c we did have a bond. Thing is......now, we've both started seeing other people and its kind of sad.

 

It got to the point where the guy I "was" seeing noticed my sadness and told me how it affected him how I was thinking about some other guy while we were together. We spoke openly about stuff like that bcuz we're pretty good friends, even before I met my ex-fiance.

 

So now I wonder sometimes:

 

-did I miss my time to rekindle anything with my ex-fiance?

-He's probably not changed but should I have been more direct in telling him that I wanted us to try again?

-Is it definitely too late since we've been seeing other people?

-He lives nowhere close to me but he would contact me saying he was "in the area"... Was that his way of telling me he wanted us to " try again"?

 

I'm confused these days...help. Our last correspondence was about a month ago, btw.

 

Thanks guys and gals...

 

Wow! I think you should be celebrating that you dodged a bullet rather than agonising about whether you should try again with him!

 

Sorry, I know its never that easy when you love someone, but there are so many red flags with his behaviour and even with his reactions to you trying to sort things out.

 

Please stay strong and when he next contacts you, remember all that bad behaviour and feel relieved you don't have to put up with that. Please want more for yourself

xx

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Your responses make lots of sense,thank you both.

 

I don't think he'll ever contact me.again and vice versa. I'm done feeling guilty for trying to be happy and standing up for myself,i.e. leaving him.

 

Plus, we've both started seeing other people. I've tried to stay realistic even in my lowest points. So I don't expect him to contact me anymore. It's just that the guy I started seeing, I dont respect, I don't intend to keep seeing and he knows that I'm not completely over the ex-F. How? Because he came along right after I left my ex. we were friends before I met my ex-F andim sure he saw how vulnerable I was after my breakup. He also kept contacting me while I was with my ex-F. My ex-F ended up calling him from my phone to tell him to stop contacting me. This current guy tho, is not to be taken seriously. He has too many issues that turn me off. Hence why I just I kicked him to the curb as well just a few days ago because he's a train wreck,seriously... I feel like that's one reason my mind drifted back to my ex-fiance.

 

Im better than I was several months ago but I still need a bit more healing to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Glad you're emotionally better than you were a while ago. Healing typically happens with time. Similar to my situation you may need more time to heal, but try to avoid getting involved with guys just to fill a void.

 

Contrary to what some people say, dating too much and too soon after a breakup can end up making these guys rebound guys or it can make your healing take longer because you may end up having similar or worst issues with the (rebound) guy. People can see when someone is vulnerable/preoccupied and people deserve all of you if they are meant to be in your life. That can't happen when you're still preoccupied with the thoughts of a prior love...

 

I'm not saying don't date, just pace yourself and don't make each guy a rebound guy. It can come back to bite you....

 

Does your "ex-F" know where you live?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you.

 

Yes, he does know where I live. And yep, you're right I try not to be all over the place.

 

But when do the thoughts of him stop. I don't wanna keep thinking about him really. I don't wanna bump into him or anything. We don't have the same circle of friends so that makes things a bit easier, but I just wonder how often he makes his way in my neighborhood. He was living about 30 minutes away from me, but a few times he's said that he was in my neighborhood... Anyway, it is what it is. I just want to forget him (A few times a few I think of him) and hope it happens sooner than later.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wow! I think you should be celebrating that you dodged a bullet rather than agonising about whether you should try again with him!

 

Sorry, I know its never that easy when you love someone, but there are so many red flags with his behaviour and even with his reactions to you trying to sort things out.

 

Please stay strong and when he next contacts you, remember all that bad behaviour and feel relieved you don't have to put up with that. Please want more for yourself

xx

I appreciate this beyond and you're right about red flags. I overlooked them at that time. My eyes are open now...

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can empathize with your feelings OP.

 

What if he contacted you and asked to talk about reconciliation, would you agree to that? Would you want to go back to all the drama. After reading though your thread about your break up, I definitely think you dodged a bullet. I also think that his ego was crushed to the point of him feeling like he cannot put himself out there to be crushed by you again. Some men have reputations and egos to protect. Same with some females, but I think he definitely fits into that spectrum.

 

Whatever his issues were /are, I believe only a professional can help solve.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...
  • Author

Thanks Muse.

 

You're right. I'm trying to be well/better. I have to work and go about my life. However, no matter what his issues were or how I've give out with other guys, I still miss him or maybe I miss the routine of him.

 

Today is very difficult and sad for some reason .

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I've pretty much made up my mind that I am NOT going to reach out to him... Not doing that. I'm just really trying to get myself together.

 

I'm sure I'll need to do therapy. I have already gone out with other guys, but I don't want to try dating more guys just to numb my pain.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...