is there such thing as "not ready for a relationship", or just "not ready for you"?

[xuanqi1988]

I was in a rebound relationship with a guy for 7 months (in which I was the rebound), which ended a month ago. It wasn't a long time but I really gave my everything to make it work. In the hindsight I knew I was a rebound, but every time when I wanted to leave, he asked me to be patient and to give him more time.

The break up was mutual as I was fed up with his uncaring attitude and him with me being too "demanding". I tried to contact him a week after but he seemed to be pretty determined and wouldn't see me or talk things through.

Not having received a closure from him, I kept pursuing for another two weeks, which saw more drama for my persistence of contact. In the end he provided me with the closure I was looking for, by telling me after thinking it through, he realized that "The reason I couldn't commit to you is because I don't love you as much as you love me, and I don't see myself marrying you". Pretty harsh I know, but maybe I needed it for closure.

Upon reading this, I deleted his off contact,and blocked him on Facebook. Admittedly it did help me get over him. But we both go to salsa and I know some of his friends from there. When I saw them, I couldn't help myself but to ask them questions about him and their group of friends. The last time I checked, he had put up many happy photos of himself enjoying single life, and it absolutely stung me. They told me he seemed like he couldn't be happier. This really hurt, but I kinda of needed it to remind myself not to think about getting back together again.

Somehow he found out about this and confronted the friends I had been talking to. According to one of them, he gave them **** for that. On the one hand, I am upset with him for telling his friends off instead of talking to me about the problems. Isn't this just creating more miscommunication between us? On the other hand, I might also be disappointed that he doesn't even care enough to clear things up with me. I know he had always been this way, kinda passive aggressive, but it just hurts that after what we had been through, he now wants nothing to do with me. I can see from his perspective why he doesn't want him friends to talk to me: 1. I may badmouth him which would affect his reputation in their friendship group; 2. he doesn't want me to find out what's going on in his life because he is a "private" person. I think it just really hit me that I used to be his best friend, but now I don't even have the right to know anything about him.

His friends got upset with me (or with him, I don't know) and said they wouldn't talk to me about him or what happens in the group any more. As much as I know it's for the best, I still feel bad that he seems me like that.

It hurts so much to know that he has moved on so fast while I am still stuck in the mess he created. Am I the one creating all the drama here by still caring, or is he being immature and in-empathetic? Am I being the crazy ex girlfriend who is obsessed with him or is this normal in the process of getting over someone? It feels like I know I put on weight lately and someone came over and told me I look fat...You know it's true but you'd rather be in denial.

This sucks balls. I have never felt so messy after a break up and I absolutely hate it. How I wish I could just skip the next 3 months and everything will be fine by then.

Edited December 8, 2015 by xuanqi1988

[lop98]

Yes, you're the one creating all the drama and yes, you're entering crazy ex territory.

 

You should've never EVER gotten his friends into the mix. The fact that they had to clear things up with you and tell you they will not be passing information anymore should serve you as a lesson in the future. A breakup is between 2 people only, whatever they can say does not matter and no, it won't ease the pain.

 

He DID clear things up for you and after chasing him for 2 weeks, he told you he did not love you enough, not enough to marry you or even be with you. That should've been more than enough to start your recovery process, which includes nobody (not his friend or his mom or anyone in touch with him) except yourself... closure is not someone closing something for you, it's something you have to come to terms with and feel peaceful about, it's acceptance, understanding you can't control how he feels and moving on.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're hurting, I've been through this and can assure you that with enough discipline (understanding what No Contact is and applying it for starters), you do heal.

 

Sadly a rebound is one of the easiest types of relationship to walk away from in my experience. What attached you wasn't the person but the soothing effect after being unable to cope with the pain of separation from someone else. Once you get back on your feet, the relationship becomes a drag. And yes, it is very selfish, and he should've known, and he probably knew, but so did you.

[Wewon]

The break up was mutual as I was fed up with his uncaring attitude and him with me being too "demanding". I tried to contact him a week after but he seemed to be pretty determined and wouldn't see me or talk things through.

 

Not having received a closure from him, I kept pursuing for another two weeks, which saw more drama for my persistence of contact. In the end he provided me with the closure I was looking for, by telling me after thinking it through, he realized that "The reason I couldn't commit to you is because I don't love you as much as you love me, and I don't see myself marrying you". Pretty harsh I know, but maybe I needed it for closure.

 

You really need to let this go.

 

You had a mutual breakup, then you had closure, then you ask his friends about you and your checking up on him on social media.

 

If you're not already the crazy ex girlfriend you are coming very close.

[Samhain]

To him? Yeah that's "crazy ex".

 

7 months isn't that long really although I know in a few months you can emotionally invest a lot. Someone who has no baggage can invest a lot more into a relationship than somebody who just came out of one can. That's why he can so easily show no empathy, his emotions weren't there to start with other than for selfish reasons.

 

It's also very uncomfortable for friends to be approached by a fellow friends ex, and who knows what they portrayed back to him? "jeez your nuts ex has been asking about you" .. "what and you talked to her about me!?" .. He very clearly wants nothing to do with you, as hard as that is to swallow, it will also help you in the long run to respect that.

[mrldii]

I was in a rebound relationship with a guy for 7 months (in which I was the rebound), which ended a month ago. It wasn't a long time but I really gave my everything to make it work. In the hindsight I knew I was a rebound, but every time when I wanted to leave, he asked me to be patient and to give him more time.

The break up was mutual as I was fed up with his uncaring attitude and him with me being too "demanding". I tried to contact him a week after but he seemed to be pretty determined and wouldn't see me or talk things through.

Not having received a closure from him, I kept pursuing for another two weeks, which saw more drama for my persistence of contact. In the end he provided me with the closure I was looking for, by telling me after thinking it through, he realized that "The reason I couldn't commit to you is because I don't love you as much as you love me, and I don't see myself marrying you". Pretty harsh I know, but maybe I needed it for closure.

Upon reading this, I deleted his off contact,and blocked him on Facebook. Admittedly it did help me get over him. But we both go to salsa and I know some of his friends from there. When I saw them, I couldn't help myself but to ask them questions about him and their group of friends. The last time I checked, he had put up many happy photos of himself enjoying single life, and it absolutely stung me. They told me he seemed like he couldn't be happier. This really hurt, but I kinda of needed it to remind myself not to think about getting back together again.

Somehow he found out about this and confronted the friends I had been talking to. According to one of them, he gave them **** for that. On the one hand, I am upset with him for telling his friends off instead of talking to me about the problems. Isn't this just creating more miscommunication between us? On the other hand, I might also be disappointed that he doesn't even care enough to clear things up with me. I know he had always been this way, kinda passive aggressive, but it just hurts that after what we had been through, he now wants nothing to do with me. I can see from his perspective why he doesn't want him friends to talk to me: 1. I may badmouth him which would affect his reputation in their friendship group; 2. he doesn't want me to find out what's going on in his life because he is a "private" person. I think it just really hit me that I used to be his best friend, but now I don't even have the right to know anything about him.

His friends got upset with me (or with him, I don't know) and said they wouldn't talk to me about him or what happens in the group any more. As much as I know it's for the best, I still feel bad that he seems me like that.

It hurts so much to know that he has moved on so fast while I am still stuck in the mess he created. Am I the one creating all the drama here by still caring, or is he being immature and in-empathetic? Am I being the crazy ex girlfriend who is obsessed with him or is this normal in the process of getting over someone? It feels like I know I put on weight lately and someone came over and told me I look fat...You know it's true but you'd rather be in denial.

This sucks balls. I have never felt so messy after a break up and I absolutely hate it. How I wish I could just skip the next 3 months and everything will be fine by then.

 

 

There is no "creating more miscommunication between" you two; you're both in "no contact".

 

 

Or, at least, he's trying to be, and was probably more than happy when you blocked him off FB and deleted him.

 

Yes, you are rapidly approaching - if not already chin-deep in - the *Crazy, Psycho Ex-Girlfriend* waters that sooooo many memes are based on.

 

Don't be That Girl.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[ExpatInItaly]

No, I wouldn't say this is exactly the normal process of getting over a 7-month relationship. You need to leave him and his friends alone.

 

I know it stings, but you're not helping yourself and you're hovering in "crazy ex" territory here.

[xuanqi1988]

After watching and reading "he's just not that into you" the idea has been planted in my head that whatever crap the guy does to you(or doesnt) it is because he doesn't like you, but when it comes to another woman, it would have been different. Is there such thing as wrong timing, or is there only the wrong person?

In my case, I was with a 26 yo guy for 7 months. We met 6 months after his 3 year relationship, but when he mentioned the ex I could still sense a strong sense of hatred and resentment. Many say that this means he was not ready and that our relationship was a rebound relationship. Our "honey moon period" only lasted about a month, before he started getting mood swings and seemed depressed sometimes. He had told me a few times he wasn't ready for a relationship, but I convinced him to keep trying. But in the end when we broke up, the reason he gave me was that "I don't love you as much as you love me, and I can't see us getting married". I can't get over the hurt, wondering if its him not being ready, or if its me? One of his friends told me he had said recently he is not looking for any girls at this stage, but I don't know if that means anything.

[Silver_star]

Can't be sure, but it sounds like he wasn't ready for a relationship when he got into one with you. He just wanted someone else to care for him, and to validate him. Sorry you are going through this.

[xuanqi1988]

Can't be sure, but it sounds like he wasn't ready for a relationship when he got into one with you. He just wanted someone else to care for him, and to validate him. Sorry you are going through this.

Thank you hun. It wasn't until I started researching rebound relationships that I realized how common they were. Why are there so many selfish people out there actively or passively using others just for their ego or self esteem? I would never do that to anyone. Despite the hurt, I know I'm not ready for a relationship and would not do the same crap as what he did to me.

[Amelie1980]

Thank you hun. It wasn't until I started researching rebound relationships that I realized how common they were. Why are there so many selfish people out there actively or passively using others just for their ego or self esteem? I would never do that to anyone. Despite the hurt, I know I'm not ready for a relationship and would not do the same crap as what he did to me.

 

Im still trying to recover from one that used me. Feeding his ego while he was single

[mightycpa]

It's not that he's not ready, and it's not you. It's him. He doesn't like you that much. Most people won't, not because of who you are, but because of who they are.

 

That's what makes special people special, and everybody else a dime a dozen.

[xuanqi1988]

It's not that he's not ready, and it's not you. It's him. He doesn't like you that much. Most people won't, not because of who you are, but because of who they are.

 

That's what makes special people special, and everybody else a dime a dozen.

At the end of the day, it is pretty damn hard to find someone who feels mutual about you as you feel about them, isn't it? Sad but true.

[xuanqi1988]

Im still trying to recover from one that used me. Feeding his ego while he was single

I'm sorry to hear about your experience which was similar to me. Were you guys ever official or were you two just dating?

I just can't believe how selfish people can be. Weve just got to be more careful next time and protect our heart a little better. Don't fall head over heels for someone until we are 100% sure they are doing the same.

[xuanqi1988]

Im still trying to recover from one that used me. Feeding his ego while he was single

Really like your quote btw! Leaving someone alone sometimes provide both of you with answers to questions you never thought would be resolved

[Amelie1980]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience which was similar to me. Were you guys ever official or were you two just dating?

I just can't believe how selfish people can be. Weve just got to be more careful next time and protect our heart a little better. Don't fall head over heels for someone until we are 100% sure they are doing the same.

 

Just dating.

 

I really liked him though.

[Zapbasket]

It's not that he's not ready, and it's not you. It's him. He doesn't like you that much. Most people won't, not because of who you are, but because of who they are.

 

That's what makes special people special, and everybody else a dime a dozen.

 

Interesting perspective, Mightycpa. Can you elaborate a bit?

[xpaperxcutx]

When you need to convince them to stay, that's the time to let go.

 

 

If someone really wants you, you don't need to beg.

 

That's like begging someone to love you.

[Blanco]

Interesting perspective, Mightycpa. Can you elaborate a bit?

 

My take on it is that what we've been through has shaped who we are and what we find desirable in potential partners. I think nearly everyone has at least something to offer in the romantic arena, but that doesn't mean that everyone will find it enticing or enough to pursue a relationship with that person.

 

Example: Let's say there's a girl who is very kind; avid church-goer; maybe a bit conservative ideologically. This girl will appeal to some people. She probably wouldn't appeal to me; not because there's something wrong with who she is, but because who she is likely wouldn't appeal to me. I'm pretty nice (no, really!), but pretty sarcastic. I don't go to church. I'm not conservative. I would likely have very little in common with this girl. That doesn't diminish her value as a person. She just wouldn't have much value to me in a romantic context because of who I am.

[lana-banana]

It's not that he's not ready, and it's not you. It's him. He doesn't like you that much. Most people won't, not because of who you are, but because of who they are.

 

That's what makes special people special, and everybody else a dime a dozen.

 

 

For what it's worth, I am a pretty cool (albeit short) drink of water. Let's be generous and assume 50% of people I meet agree with that basic assessment. The other 50% may find me neurotic, elitist, awkward, shy, or something else they personally dislike. That doesn't make them wrong; I'm just not their cup of tea.

 

Maybe 30% of people think I'm a really unique person. Perhaps 10% want to be my close friend. 5% are willing to date me. Of that 5%, I would guess a statistically insignificant amount---I have only known four men in my life who meet the following description--have at points loved me, adored me, and wanted to move mountains for me. The odds of meeting someone who inspires a mutual connection are quite slim. There are so few perfect matches they aren't even a tenth of one percent, but they make all the difference in the world.

 

Love is about finding someone you can love as much as they love you. That's that elusive tiny fraction you're hunting for. When a guy says he doesn't feel a connection with you, he is self-eliminating from your search. Let him go and get back to your journey. Life is too short to spend trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

[mightycpa]

At the end of the day, it is pretty damn hard to find someone who feels mutual about you as you feel about them, isn't it? Sad but true.

It isn't that difficult, I think as people, we are very accepting. That said, your chances are much better if you abandon most serial dating, and date in parallel... ie, multiple people at the same time. You should be constantly rotating three, keep the best, ditch the ones who don't do much for you, and keep looking until you find something worth spending your time on. Even then, don't take forever to decide, because the next thing you know, you'll be at that age where your boyfriend of 7 years just dumped you, and just about everybody else your age is married.

[xuanqi1988]

My take on it is that what we've been through has shaped who we are and what we find desirable in potential partners. I think nearly everyone has at least something to offer in the romantic arena, but that doesn't mean that everyone will find it enticing or enough to pursue a relationship with that person.

 

Example: Let's say there's a girl who is very kind; avid church-goer; maybe a bit conservative ideologically. This girl will appeal to some people. She probably wouldn't appeal to me; not because there's something wrong with who she is, but because who she is likely wouldn't appeal to me. I'm pretty nice (no, really!), but pretty sarcastic. I don't go to church. I'm not conservative. I would likely have very little in common with this girl. That doesn't diminish her value as a person. She just wouldn't have much value to me in a romantic context because of who I am.

I think what you are saying makes 100% sense to be, but when it comes to break-ups and rejection, it's hard to not take it personal when your partner/ex is the type you want for yourself and see yourself compatible with, while he/she is looking for something non-existent in you. An example would be that I am a relaxed person in the sense that I would definitely want a job or career but my ultimate goal is not $$$. Rather, I just want to do moderately well.In the meantime, I would very much prefer a partner who is hardworking and who is relatively ambitious. My ex was such a guy, but he wanted a career woman (his ex was one, so maybe he was just confused thinking that was what he wanted after she dumped him), who is clearly not me. I would put family before career anytime.

That being said, as we go through different stages of life, our priorities keep changing. You may become less sarcastic and decide to go to the church one day. Who knows?

[xuanqi1988]

For what it's worth, I am a pretty cool (albeit short) drink of water. Let's be generous and assume 50% of people I meet agree with that basic assessment. The other 50% may find me neurotic, elitist, awkward, shy, or something else they personally dislike. That doesn't make them wrong; I'm just not their cup of tea.

 

Maybe 30% of people think I'm a really unique person. Perhaps 10% want to be my close friend. 5% are willing to date me. Of that 5%, I would guess a statistically insignificant amount---I have only known four men in my life who meet the following description--have at points loved me, adored me, and wanted to move mountains for me. The odds of meeting someone who inspires a mutual connection are quite slim. There are so few perfect matches they aren't even a tenth of one percent, but they make all the difference in the world.

 

Love is about finding someone you can love as much as they love you. That's that elusive tiny fraction you're hunting for. When a guy says he doesn't feel a connection with you, he is self-eliminating from your search. Let him go and get back to your journey. Life is too short to spend trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

I know what you are saying is true in reality. If it wasn't so hard to find someone who adores you on the same level as you adore them, then we wouldn't have been having these discussions here. But it's just hurts so much when you've finally found someone who ticks most of your boxes but you are not their cup of tea...especially after months or even years of dating.

[slider1985]

I feel your pain. It hurts when you have greater feelings for the other person and they dont equally feel the same. I'm currently going through the same thing, I was the rebound guy. She jumped right into our relationship 5 weeks after a 7yr. Although it only lasted two months before I broke it off because I was falling for her. I realise 2 months isn't a lot but im still messed up 10 weeks after the bu. I've dated many girls and even ones that were emotionally unavailable but never fell this hard for someone. I don't blame her because she was honest with what she was going through, its just that she said many things that lead me on to believe she wanted more. I realise now she didn't know what she was doing or feeling because she was confused. You can't trust what people tell you when they're rebounding. Always keep your guard up.

All I can say is don't jump into another relationship after an LDR, take the time to grieve, heal, and find yourself because all you're really doing is hurting yourself and the other person.

[Meli22]

I know what you are saying is true in reality. If it wasn't so hard to find someone who adores you on the same level as you adore them, then we wouldn't have been having these discussions here. But it's just hurts so much when you've finally found someone who ticks most of your boxes but you are not their cup of tea...especially after months or even years of dating.

 

It's a tough pill to swallow but you have to remember it's not YOU it really is THEM. Some of the men that my friends date and are into, I wouldn't bat an eyelid at. And vice versa. It doesn't diminish any of their value as a human being, it just boils down to personal taste.

[xuanqi1988]

I feel your pain. It hurts when you have greater feelings for the other person and they dont equally feel the same. I'm currently going through the same thing, I was the rebound guy. She jumped right into our relationship 5 weeks after a 7yr. Although it only lasted two months before I broke it off because I was falling for her. I realise 2 months isn't a lot but im still messed up 10 weeks after the bu. I've dated many girls and even ones that were emotionally unavailable but never fell this hard for someone. I don't blame her because she was honest with what she was going through, its just that she said many things that lead me on to believe she wanted more. I realise now she didn't know what she was doing or feeling because she was confused. You can't trust what people tell you when they're rebounding. Always keep your guard up.

All I can say is don't jump into another relationship after an LDR, take the time to grieve, heal, and find yourself because all you're really doing is hurting yourself and the other person.

I'm sorry to hear your experience, that you are going through the same crap caused by a irresponsible person.

I hate people who jump into new relationships when they haven't healed from the previous one. You are right about it being our responsibility to protect our hearts, but why can't they just know better and leave us alone? I mean it's OK to go out on dates, but please please please don't lead us on or try long term dating.

Confused people are dangerous, because we tend to rely on them to decide how we should take the relationship, and all they do is to confuse us and themselves. IMO they are leading us on for 2 potential reasons: 1. They need us to boost their egoes and lift self esteem after a painful breakup (esp in which where they were the dumpees); 2. They genuinely do want to give us a chance before realizing that it doesn't work. The second one might sound legit, but in the meantime we are being used as the rat in the experiment, so it's actually not fair either.