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Same friend circles - how to handle unique situation gracefully?


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My former roommate/good female friend set me up with her best friend this past summer. I’ll call the girl “Zoe”. Zoe and I hit it off and dated for 3 months and were sexually exclusive. I then had to take off for two months on the road for work. Zoe and I agreed to “pick it up where we left off” when I got back as she would be traveling for work during that time too. She’s 33. I’m 32.

 

This situation is unique in that we didn't date long enough to establish something serious but we did establish something beyond casual dating and we have same friend circles and she pulled a fadeaway.

 

I wasn’t in the best place to pursue something serious – I had a family situation that took up a lot of my emotional space and my living situation at the time was unstable. Both circumstances outside of my control that have since improved. I did like this girl and was excited to see if the possibility for something more was there when I got back. She pursued me much more than I did her for the most part during those three months. Even to the point of altering her taste in culture and hobbies (which I thought was weird).

 

Because of the intense stress I was under right before my departure, I called her two days after I left to clarify I liked her. She thanked me, said she understood and said that it meant a lot. We stayed in touch while I was gone almost every day via text message and had a few long, deep, intense phone conversations. Vulnerabilities were shared on both sides and we grew closer in a weird, backdoor way.

 

While I was away, she began seeing a female life coach and went through an “empowerment experience”. I think she began to fixate on some of my behavior before I left and essentially made the decision that I was a bad guy. In short, I got the vibe from her behavior that she built up a sense of resentment toward me without approaching me about it. She told me she was open to dating other guys until I got back because she felt like we hadn’t established anything serious. She asked me what I needed from her and I said all I ask is open communication.

 

Two weeks before I come back, I call her, tell her I’m excited to see her, ask how she feels. She tells me she just met another guy – an old connection and “he’s a gentleman, he treats me well, and he pursues me” and I want to see where it goes." She also tried to minimize our connection (I suspect in an effort to make herself feel less badly. I reiterate how I feel and she says, “I wish I would have seen this side of you in person before you left.” She also says, “I think we should meet for dinner because this will be more real face to face.”

 

Over the next two weeks our only communication was a couple of text messages basically confirming that the dinner would be a good idea. The last one she sent was the week before I got back and it says, “I can do Monday or Tuesday but I have to find out which one work Xmas party is. Can I get back to you?” I say of course. She never gets back to me. The days she was supposed to meet with me she begins posting photos to social media of her cooking the same dinner she cooked for me for new guy. This past week, it's become clear via social media that she's taken on new guys cultural interests + hobbies.

 

Two things. It hurts and it’s disappointing but I know I don’t want anything to do with this girl romantically or otherwise.

 

We’re still friends on FB and follow each other on Instagram. Would it be childish/overreacting to unfriend someone under these circumstances? I use both infrequently and have thought about unfriending her but that feels immature and suggests she has too much power over me. If I did it, the intention would be to never talk to me again. Problem is, we have lots of friend overlap. This is lame and childish, but I have a hope that me in her newsfeed will be a subtle reminder of how she handled the situation.

 

I’d like to handle this situation as maturely and gracefully as possible and am polling the audience for advice on how to handle a situation with such overlapping friend circles.Thanks for reading.

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It's definitely not childish or lame to unfriend someone or block someone on social media if it's for self preservation. If when you see photos of her, or anything regarding another man, you feel any kind of emotion...it's best to block her. Who cares what she thinks, if she ever asks, just explain I don't need to see what it is you're doing with your life if I'm not going to be apart of it. As for the overlapping friend thing. It's always going to happen, some people are gonna side with her, and you'll lose them, some are gonna side with you and she'll lose them, some will be able to separate the 2 and remain friends with both of you. But I would definitely unfriend and block her on social media to kinda save yourself from any kind of negative feelings.

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I get it about the negative emotions/feelings. For me, it's more about being the bigger person. I get it though.

 

In a weird way, I sense that she still has strong negative emotions towards me. She has admitted to passive-agressive communication in the past toward others and the way she's handled this situation -- i.e. not posting anything related to new dude until the days she was supposed to meet with me and then suddenly a barrage.

 

I've debated sending her a text message that says something like,

"I'm sorry that we never got the chance to meet face to face. I think it would've been healthy and mature. I'm hurt and disappointed by the way things played out. Please don't contact me again."

Then blocking her on all accounts.

 

Too intense? I was hurt by this and am wondering if I'm injecting too much emotion.

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I get it about the negative emotions/feelings. For me, it's more about being the bigger person. I get it though.

 

In a weird way, I sense that she still has strong negative emotions towards me. She has admitted to passive-agressive communication in the past toward others and the way she's handled this situation -- i.e. not posting anything related to new dude until the days she was supposed to meet with me and then suddenly a barrage.

 

I've debated sending her a text message that says something like,

"I'm sorry that we never got the chance to meet face to face. I think it would've been healthy and mature. I'm hurt and disappointed by the way things played out. Please don't contact me again."

Then blocking her on all accounts.

 

Too intense? I was hurt by this and am wondering if I'm injecting too much emotion.

 

Yeah honestly that message does nothing but gives you an ego boost. Makes sure to let her know hey, you're a bitch. It isn't necessary. If you just block her and cut off all forms of contact.....that says a lot more than a message like that. I certainly understand wanting to get out what you want to say, but sometimes the loudest thing said to someone is silence.

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Good point and thank you for the objective perspective.

 

I'm still teetering on blocking her from social media or not.

 

I feel like blocking her could also be for the ego too. Blocking her also says, "I couldn't bear not to look at your posts so I had to block you."

 

I'm leaning towards unfollowing her and simply making a pact with myself not to social media stalk her. In the initial aftermath, it's a bit tough to not look at her page, but I know and feel confident that I have the willpower to not do it for weeks on end.

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Good point and thank you for the objective perspective.

 

I'm still teetering on blocking her from social media or not.

 

I feel like blocking her could also be for the ego too. Blocking her also says, "I couldn't bear not to look at your posts so I had to block you."

 

I'm leaning towards unfollowing her and simply making a pact with myself not to social media stalk her. In the initial aftermath, it's a bit tough to not look at her page, but I know and feel confident that I have the willpower to not do it for weeks on end.

 

No problem my friend, that's why we're all here for one another. If you have the willpower to do that, more power to ya, I know I most certainly do not. I still look for little breadcrumbs of her life here and there after 2 weeks even after blocking her and some of our friends so I didn't have to see anything. There's nothing wrong with admitting to yourself that it's difficult to see her or be reminded of her. I think everyone goes through that in a breakup at some point or another.

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Oh no...Do not unfriend her. The best revenge is to get a new girlfriend and post your own pictures on facebook. If you meet at some social event, just act like you're really happy.

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LydiaLong, thanks for your thoughts.Posting photos with a new girl would be uncharacteristic for me as I didn't even do that with her. I'm very private when it comes to social media and I actually think that's something that really bothered her.

 

I do agree about showing my happiness -- it wouldn't be an act though. I am really happy in all aspects of my life. Financially, creatively, intellectually, socially, physically, and spiritually I'm doing really well. Emotionally, I'm shocked and bummed about this situation and am trying to stay positive and not let it affect the other areas of my life.

 

As I process everything, I'm honestly pretty confused about how to handle it with our mutual friend. My logical side says, "Let it go. Move on. Do your thing. If mutual friend brings it up, address it cordially but don't dive in." My emotional side + ego says, "Let mutual friend know how Zoe handled things because Zoe probably told mutual friends bad things about you and Zoe is better friends with mutual friend than you so mutual friend probably believed Zoe so you need to set the record straight to avoid getting your name smeared in this big circle of friends."

 

In the end, I know listening to my ego is dangerous and unhealthy. I also know Zoe wasn't right for me. I also know my track record with other mutual friends. In the end, I need to just be myself and not let the ego rule. It's SO hard when emotion is involved and there are constant reminders.

 

One thing I've considered is removing myself from friend circle for a short bit to "recalibrate". Part of me says, "that'd be perfect for you". The other part of me says, "Don't let her have that much control over you."

 

Honestly, just venting here. Any thoughts or feedback welcomed and appreciated. Cheers.

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That's a tough situation. I'd be hurt in your shoes, too. Three months is plenty of time to establish something with roots and shoots; it's not like you only went on a few dates before you left town.

 

Just throwing this out there: what if you reached out to her and told her you are surprised and hurt?

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I've thought about that, GreenCove. Thought about it a lot.

 

I don't know what telling her I'm surprised and hurt would do for me when I really think about it. I know that my ego wants an apology and acknowledgement from her but I don't know that *I* want that.

 

I sincerely believed that meeting face to face would have been the healthy thing to do for both of us. Lots of assumptions seemed to have been made and I think that's very unhealthy. She knew that I wanted to reconcile which is why she suggested meeting face to face. She confirmed the dinner meeting three times. It seems that she doesn't know what she wants. If she didn't want to reconcile, I would have accepted it and moved on. She hurt me and ultimately lied to me though. I don't take it personal, but it still hurts pretty badly.

 

Unfortunately, *at this point* I believe that the healthiest thing for me is to find closure within myself, move on with my life and cut ties with Zoe. I trust that in a month I'll be in a much different headspace about this whole situation and will generally be unaffected when I see her.

 

The conundrum I now face is cutting ties with her will be more difficult than a standard "breakup". I'm sure others have dealt with this too, but the childish ego in me wishes I could casually let our friends know how poorly she handled this situation. I know that no good can come from that, but it doesn't take the desire away.

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I just believe you need to do whatever you need to do to heal the fastest. If it means setting the record straight, then do that. If it means unfriending her so you don't have to see her and be reminded, do that. This is all about YOU now, not her, not her friends, not her family, or your friends or family....just you. Anyone that cares about you and loves you is going to stand by your side no matter what you choose to do, the ones that judge you for your decisions.....do you really want them in your life, and do you care what they think anyway?

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Just my two cents:

 

You get to move on now. She has moved on and now you have the chance to do the same, take it! Unfollow her and let her go.

 

As far as your friends go, what purpose does it serve in airing what happened? I would advise against this. Be the better man, and let her have what she has begun and let yourself be free of the drama. Let your "childish ego" (your words, not mine) gnaw on this - this woman flaked out on you. She will do this again. Her actions will come to light with no help from you. Karma just works that way.

 

Until then, you can just be the best man you can be, let her have her space, and don't kiss and tell. You are a man who takes his personal relationships seriously. The best way to respect the connection that you had is to let this be the end, quietly and gracefully. If she doesnt want to talk, it's on her. You did what you could.

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Absolutely. I know that if I rise above it, focus on my pursuits, and be the best version of myself, everything else takes care of itself.

 

I'm genuinely fatigued right now from having just gotten back from working an intense job (75hrs/week of physically demanding work) on the road so my headspace is a bit off-center and I'm aware that I'm emotionally vulnerable.

 

I've unfollowed her on FB and made a pact with myself to ignore. If it becomes a problem, I will block/unfriend her. In terms of Instagram, I'm terrible at it and only began using it more actively when all of the stuff with Zoe got weird.

 

In the end, this is what I want.

1. Move on with my life

2. Handle the overlapping friends circle with dignity and integrity and grace.

 

I don't have any reason or desire to pursue an interaction with her ever again. I will set my boundaries if she pursues me. I am vulnerable now, so I will rely on my friend circle in the case that she does reach out to me.

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That sounds like a solid plan. I hope you get some much needed rest and time to relax. If I were you I would put an old favorite movie on, grab a hot chocolate and turn of all sources of the Internet.

 

Best of luck to you!!

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Alright friends. Back to the social media thing. I'm not checking her stuff. But she is checking mine.

 

This morning she went to my Facebook and Instagram and liked a couple of my posts. She may have genuinely liked them, but I didn't realize how much this would upset me. It feels insulting and patronizing. I'm living my life and she's seeing that and liking it all while posting photos of her moving on.

 

It feels like a passive-aggressive way of communicating, "no hard feelings, everything's cool, right?".

 

Here's my dichotomous struggle.

 

I don't want to show that I'm unaffected and have moved on but I'm not quite there yet. Social media blocking for me shows way too much weakness. I know that it's childish to think this way, but I'm being honest here. In a month, I'll be fine and a like from her won't mean anything.

 

I also don't want her to think that everything's hunky-dory and she can ignore the elephant in the room and go about liking my posts like it's no big deal.

 

Any practical suggestions? Ideas on dealing given the fact that she feels cool liking my posts?

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Alright friends. Back to the social media thing. I'm not checking her stuff. But she is checking mine.

 

This morning she went to my Facebook and Instagram and liked a couple of my posts. She may have genuinely liked them, but I didn't realize how much this would upset me. It feels insulting and patronizing. I'm living my life and she's seeing that and liking it all while posting photos of her moving on.

 

It feels like a passive-aggressive way of communicating, "no hard feelings, everything's cool, right?".

 

Here's my dichotomous struggle.

 

I don't want to show that I'm unaffected and have moved on but I'm not quite there yet. Social media blocking for me shows way too much weakness. I know that it's childish to think this way, but I'm being honest here. In a month, I'll be fine and a like from her won't mean anything.

 

I also don't want her to think that everything's hunky-dory and she can ignore the elephant in the room and go about liking my posts like it's no big deal.

 

Any practical suggestions? Ideas on dealing given the fact that she feels cool liking my posts?

 

Ya gotta put the ego thing aside man, I know you're struggling with trying to "take the high road" or "not be childish", but you flat out just said that it upset you. Who gives a **** what what she thinks if you block her? What's she going to do, get angry at you and tell you off for blocking her? Just do it and you'll be amazed at how much better you feel. I've gone in stages. First I unfriended her from Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest. Then blocked her on Facebook. Had my mom unfriend her so I couldn't even see anything from there. So now I officially couldn't see anything from her except pinterest. Finally just this morning I blocked her on Instagram and Pinterest so she couldn't see anything of mine. Just do it my friend!

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I want to send her a text that says something like:

"I'm hurt and disappointed by the way things played out between us. Liking my posts is insulting and ignores the fact that you blew me off for a face to face meeting that you suggested and we both agreed on and confirmed three times. I respect you enough to communicate maturely, directly and clearly and have shown you that respect and ask that you do the same for me."

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I want to send her a text that says something like:

"I'm hurt and disappointed by the way things played out between us. Liking my posts is insulting and ignores the fact that you blew me off for a face to face meeting that you suggested and we both agreed on and confirmed three times. I respect you enough to communicate maturely, directly and clearly and have shown you that respect and ask that you do the same for me."

 

Again though, what's the point? It's over and you actually seem to be relatively calm, cool, and collected over it. Why stoke the fire when you can just let it burn itself out? You said in your original post you just want to be the bigger person.....don't you feel the bigger person would just walk away from this completely and not look back? Sorry if I'm coming across as a dick, definitely not my intention and hope you don't take it that way, just playing devil's advocate that's all.

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Again though, what's the point? It's over and you actually seem to be relatively calm, cool, and collected over it. Why stoke the fire when you can just let it burn itself out? You said in your original post you just want to be the bigger person.....don't you feel the bigger person would just walk away from this completely and not look back? Sorry if I'm coming across as a dick, definitely not my intention and hope you don't take it that way, just playing devil's advocate that's all.

 

I completely agree with Nickr3023 here....absolutely do not put anything in writing as it will likely resurface at a later time and by then, you'll feel differently. The very best thing you can do to minimize her in this instance is to ignore her.....act as though if she were jumping up and down yelling "pick me pick me" you actually wouldn't even notice her. This my friend is the very best way to minimize her for what she did....if she is following you on SM and the like, it means something to her....therefore, it's nothing to you.....just look away and know that to some extent, you know she's for some reason is trying to get your attention. Nevermind why....she is and you know but refuse to acknowledge it.....

 

:laugh:

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Nickr -- not coming across as a dick at all. I appreciate the advice. That's why I sought it out.

 

I completely agree with Nickr3023 here....absolutely do not put anything in writing as it will likely resurface at a later time and by then, you'll feel differently.

Thank you for the reminder, kgcolonel!

 

Nevermind why....she is and you know but refuse to acknowledge it.....

I also feel like blocking her would be an acknowledgement that she got to me too. As I said before, I made a pact not to look at her posts and have stuck to that. Her looking at mine was a curveball I didn't anticipate.

 

For some reason her liking my posts this morning upset me. When I thought about it, it's because I don't want her to be able to feel good about how she handled the situation with me. I don't want her to think that liking my posts as if nothing were ever wrong somehow makes her a better person. This is absurd and childish thought on my part. My thinking is influenced by more emotion than logic.

 

I am essentially trying to control someone else's feelings by my emotionally dominated actions. i.e. "Blocking her sends this message, etc." I do hope she feels bad about it. I hope she feels guilt about it. I hope she doesn't feel like she can feel good about her bull**** facade of integrity and positivity. That's all my emotions and I'll be over it soon enough. Her coming at me through social media was an unexpected hurdle and I wanted to share/vent with you all because I knew I'd have good feedback from compassionate people.

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Standard-Fare

Here's a suggestion you may or may not like:

 

Take a full break from social media for a while. Deactivate your Facebook and Instagram accounts.

 

A) They're clearly not making you happy. Look how you're fretting over these small details like a middle-schooler. (Not judging you, that's what social media brings out in all of us).

 

B) She might want to see it as personally related to her, but full-on deactivating looks more like a lifestyle choice on your end, as opposed to the petty sulkiness of blocking, which looks like an emotional reaction to her specifically (and yes, may inadvertently boost her ego).

 

It's very likely that she would initially think you'd blocked her -- the two actions will look the same from her end. So she'll either 1) call you out on it, in which case you have the defense of "No, I'm just taking a break from social media," or 2) do some deeper investigation on her own that will lead her to the discovery that your accounts no longer exist. I can guarantee 100 percent that one of those two actions will occur.

 

C) After staying strong with your break for ideally a month or more, you could choose to block her once you do return to social media. She wouldn't be able to tell the difference without investigating. And if she did notice, you'll have more of a justification -- wanting a fresh start on social media, retaining only the contacts you feel close to.

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Alright friends. Back to the social media thing. I'm not checking her stuff. But she is checking mine.

 

This morning she went to my Facebook and Instagram and liked a couple of my posts. She may have genuinely liked them, but I didn't realize how much this would upset me. It feels insulting and patronizing. I'm living my life and she's seeing that and liking it all while posting photos of her moving on.

 

Honey, look at it this way - whatever you post from here on out that does not include her IS you moving on. I would not stress on this point. Not at all. You are doing great.

 

It feels like a passive-aggressive way of communicating, "no hard feelings, everything's cool, right?".

 

Yeah I get that. Just shrug it off the best you can. Let her be her, as I said before, you just do you. Let her like all of your posts. It doesn't mean anything. You are moving on with your life. If she likes it, so what? Let her. You are doing you right now and that is what really matters.

 

Here's my dichotomous struggle.

 

I don't want to show that I'm unaffected and have moved on but I'm not quite there yet. Social media blocking for me shows way too much weakness. I know that it's childish to think this way, but I'm being honest here. In a month, I'll be fine and a like from her won't mean anything.

 

I also don't want her to think that everything's hunky-dory and she can ignore the elephant in the room and go about liking my posts like it's no big deal.

 

Any practical suggestions? Ideas on dealing given the fact that she feels cool liking my posts?

 

My best advice is to let her like. I can 100% empathize how hard it is, but the best thing you can do is to show her she wasn't so special that your thoughts are still wrapped up in her when she has moved on. Let the elephant ride away. There is no reason for him to stay. Quit feeding him peanuts.

 

You were, and you are, a whole and wonderful person without her. She didn't change that. Her life left a thumbprint on yours, but it will fade. Just let it go. If she wants to be that way, let her be. You are your own man. Go your own path. Set your sights in another direction and pick your feet up and start walking.

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This.

My best advice is to let her like. I can 100% empathize how hard it is, but the best thing you can do is to show her she wasn't so special that your thoughts are still wrapped up in her when she has moved on. Let the elephant ride away. There is no reason for him to stay. Quit feeding him peanuts.

 

Thank you all for your responses. Thank you, vintagegirl for this advice that I needed to hear. I can tell by your advice that you can empathize with my situation. I know for a fact that I will be at a point in the not-too-distant future where a like from her won't mean anything.

 

Do you know what I also realized hurts? I had the realization that she may not think that I'm hurt by this situation at all. She may think I'm over it because she thought I was never into it and therefore she feels as if she has no effect on me and did nothing wrong. Sometimes it bothers me that I won't get to express that to her. I'll be over it soon enough. Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for actively "listening" and sharing your thoughts.

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Hi All. She reached out again. It was a timelapse video of her on a worktrip in my favorite driving section of my home state and said:

"Hope you're well. : ) Would still like to meet up for lunch or coffee when I get back."

 

Please remind me why this is a sh*t move on her part.

 

I still haven't emotionally moved on, so I'm coming back for support here. Her reaching out in this way is new for me and elicited some more emotion clearly.

 

Any sense of why she would do this? I know this doesn't matter at the end of the day, but this is my emotion speaking.

 

I think she didn't want to meet with me because things were still so new with new guy and she was confused about her feelings for me. She made the decision to pursue the relationship with him instead and now that it's in a better place, I believe she's trying to reach out so she can feel better about how she handled the situation. I strongly feel that this would be about her because it'd be on her terms. She ignored her agreement to meet me for dinner and didn't bother following up until she felt like enough time had passed.

 

What good would it do me? Part of me wants to meet with her in hopes of a transparent conversation that would be a learning experience for both of us. Am I being too hopeful here?

 

Part of me also hopes we could reconcile. I have a strong hunch that this is my emotion and ego. I mean, really. I think about the fact that everything was solid for the first three months and my own doing of being hesitant to commit and creating ambiguity created the unhealthy dynamic.

 

I'm fleshing my thoughts and emotions out here so thanks for bearing with me.

 

I really think the best move here is to just not respond. I'm not indifferent (yet), but I want to demonstrate indifference and move on. These efforts from her are just some speed bumps along the way. Thoughts?

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Hi All. She reached out again. It was a timelapse video of her on a worktrip in my favorite driving section of my home state and said:

"Hope you're well. : ) Would still like to meet up for lunch or coffee when I get back."

 

Please remind me why this is a sh*t move on her part.

 

See bolded font:

 

I still haven't emotionally moved on so I'm coming back for support here. Her reaching out in this way is new for me and elicited some more emotion clearly.

 

You answered your own question.

 

Any sense of why she would do this? I know this doesn't matter at the end of the day, but this is my emotion speaking.

 

Because she can? No boundaries have been set, so she is going to do what comes natural to her.

 

I think she didn't want to meet with me because things were still so new with new guy and she was confused about her feelings for me. She made the decision to pursue the relationship with him instead and now that it's in a better place, I believe she's trying to reach out so she can feel better about how she handled the situation. I strongly feel that this would be about her because it'd be on her terms. She ignored her agreement to meet me for dinner and didn't bother following up until she felt like enough time had passed.

 

She doesn't get to feel better at your expense.

 

What good would it do me? Part of me wants to meet with her in hopes of a transparent conversation that would be a learning experience for both of us. Am I being too hopeful here?

 

You don't have to meet to do that. And IMHO, yes you are.

 

Part of me also hopes we could reconcile. I have a strong hunch that this is my emotion and ego. I mean, really. I think about the fact that everything was solid for the first three months and my own doing of being hesitant to commit and creating ambiguity created the unhealthy dynamic.

 

Go with your gut. I think it is probably your emotion and ego too. If the two of your are going to have any kind of friendship post relationship, both of you have to be in a spot to accept that. You are not.

 

I'm fleshing my thoughts and emotions out here so thanks for bearing with me.

 

I really think the best move here is to just not respond. I'm not indifferent (yet), but I want to demonstrate indifference and move on. These efforts from her are just some speed bumps along the way. Thoughts?

 

It depends on what you want. If you want to be friends with her ultimately, respond BUT set boundaries.Tell her at some point you wouldnt mind seeing her again,but right now you are not in a place to do that. You have to stick to your guns though. Do ONLY what you are comfortable with. No pressure from her.

 

If you don't want anything to do with her again, leave it alone.

 

 

Just my two cents.

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