It's his birthday today... A letter I wish I could send but I can't.

[justletgox51]

The last time we spoke was about 2 weeks ago. He wanted me to pretend that he's dead and no longer exists... My chest aches but his wish is my command. I can't send him this letter as it too will just hurt me from all the ignoring, emotional and mental borderline abuse, the abortion, and him leaving me three times during our year of dating. I just can't take it anymore but I still care deep inside.

 

---

 

Hey there stranger.. Happy 21st birthday. I hope today, you'll celebrate this day surrounded by those who love you wholeheartedly. I hope today you take the time to go outside, breathe fresh air and thank God for everything you have... right at this moment. I hope today you're able to just have an enjoyable time with yourself, with your family and with your friends-- old and new.

 

Last year was very different.. I was crying on your shoulders during your birthday for dropping out of school. I hope this year-- today, and everyday for the rest of your days is filled with laughter, jokes, no worries or cares (at least for this day I know exams are coming up), and new memories to create.

As bitter, traumatizing and painful the past was and the way things fizzled out, thank you. Certainly, we've both hurt each other and it's still not okay for me. However, I am trying my best to let go of the hurt and live my life. I hope you're doing the same. You came into my life for me to learn important life lessons. Thank you for letting me go through those notions as in the end I learned a lot and if I do say so myself, became better for it. I hope you're genuinely happy.

 

I hear you and your best friend have a stronger bond now, and that you've moved on to another girl. When I found out, I had to go do deep breathing exercises I learned from my anxiety group. Wow I'm so lame. Don't worry I'm okay and accepted everything. I honestly wish you and her happiness.

I'm sorry for the times I made you feel insecure... I never meant to or wasn't trying to but that's how you felt and so I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to trust you again– enough to decide and share those last few moments with something that could have had potential that we both created. I was beyond selfish and nursing a broken heart from being abandoned and left behind the first and second time... that I couldn't let you be in the same room as me to deal my abortion 2 months ago. It sucked like hell but I'm okay now.

 

I'm sorry for the time I shattered a piece of your friendship as revenge for being humiliated, but then again it made your bond even stronger. I'm sorry for the times I took your small gestures for granted, and the times I annoyed and pissed you when I went through mental illness, hormonal **** and being me. It wasn't just your fault. I too was involved in creating those problems. I like to believe that at one point you did really care about me.. Just let me believe that. But just like you, I can never be the girl you want nor can you ever be the guy I want. I ultimately need someone who'd stay during my worst moments, fight for me and stay. Someone who doesn't yell or angry like my father.

 

Looking back I was immature, needy, confused, lost and ultimately didn't love myself. You were right all along when you told me that while breaking up with me on the phone. I'm sorry that I still remember. But thank you so much for telling me that. (I'm not being sarcastic.)

 

This is not me begging for you back, asking for some type of friendship, asking for the whys, what ifs, lecture you about what you did wrong, regret or sadness (well a bit of sadness)... Rather somewhat a bittersweet thank you for your existence. Thank you for being part of my growth during my teenage years as I become the woman I want to be (I'm turning 20 two days after you.) I can honestly say as imperfectly perfect as I am, I actually adore and admire what I went through before I met you, being with you, and after you and who I am now.

 

I doubt you'd write a long/short message on my birthday or any other day, and quite frankly it's okay that you don't. You've done a great job ignoring me for almost two weeks now. I'm sure your new girl would not be so keen about that or even you as your healing too. I kind of have to thank you again for ignoring my messages-- you win at not caring at all (kidding.) Don't worry, no hard feelings this time. I completely understand.

 

I'll love again. I now know better and so I'll be better. I hope you are too.

I'm making up for the mistakes, guilt and depressed hole I've made in the past... I sponsored a Sun Bear cub a couple of weeks ago and every month starting on my birthday I get to read progress reports of my baby bear. I haven't found anyone yet (which is okay I'm in no rush) but I didn't think I'd fall in love again because my God if you see my baby bear, you'd fall too... he's beyond adorable and handsome.

 

I wish nothing but the best for you.

 

Sincerely,

 

Me

[geronimo]

Wow I have to say the way you write reminds me exactly of my ex. Sad truth is that the stuff you wrote she would never write to me but instead I found a text that she wrote to some random guy who she spend some time with while we were together (I guess you can say she cheated on me emotionally) but when she was "breaking up" with this guy she sent him a text that sounded very similar to this.

 

All I can tell you is that stop blaming yourself, cuz i see that a lot in the message you wrote, because most of the times we're blaming ourselves for things when its the other persons fault.

 

Also if you have been breaking up with a person 3 times in a year of dating thats a sign right there that you guys aren't meant for eachother. I know its hard but you will find someone better and who loves you for you and all the perfect imperfections you have.

 

I know it hurts, and you really want to talk to him and send him a message but he has made it clear that he doesn't want to talk to you, so why devalue yourself and message him? you're better than that, vent on here if need be but don't contact him again unless he reaches out to you.

[whichwayisup]

Such a heartfelt and honest letter...But do not send it!! He won't 'get' you or what you're trying to say. The love you have for him is wasted upon him so please, again do not send the letter.

 

He wanted me to pretend that he's dead and no longer exists.

 

You have no choice but to respect his wishes. Honestly if someone told me that and did to me what he's done to you throughout your relationship, I'd be gone and go complete silence.

 

Love yourself more and keep on venting, writing letters to him either here, in a word program or with paper and pen (do NOT send them!) and hope as time goes on you'll feel less inclined to reach out to him.

[mountains]

Do not send it. He is going to perceive it as you are selfish and reminding him that you two aren't together on his birthday. If you sent anything a simple Happy Birthday is all that needs to be sent if anything at all.

[mightycpa]

I read some complaints in the letter, and so I can't give it high marks. For example:

 

I ultimately need someone who'd stay during my worst moments, fight for me and stay.

 

...while breaking up with me on the phone.

There's more too.

 

The bottom line is that you don't wish someone happy birthday and all the happiness in the world and also complain about the way things are.

 

Your ego about what a good person you are wants to believe that you're trying so hard to let it go, and you're so altruistic that even in the face of humiliation and despair, you can be the bigger person, and wish this guy all the best things in life, while you wallow in the depths of rejection and sorrow. Remember, he wants you the hell out of his life. For good.

 

So I call bull**** on you. For your own mental well-being, I would suggest that you stop lying to yourself and write him a heartfelt letter that has nothing to do with happy friggin' birthday. You write him what you really want to tell him, and write it over and over again until you feel like you've figured it all out, and then gotten it out. Sure you made mistakes, but so did he, and I know you're angry about some of it. So go ahead. Let it out. Don't hide behind this facade of the graceful loser.

 

It will be really good for you if you do it.

[stillafool]

If someone told me to pretend they were dead and never existed I would never, ever contact them again. If I saw them in public I would look past them as if they never existed, if they spoke to me I would act as if I never heard a word. They would no longer exist in my world.