Post-Breakup & Moving Forward | The People (Cheaters!) We Meet - Your Thoughts

[makemineamac]

Well, it's been a few weeks for me since my breakup and I'm doing pretty well.

 

I've resolved myself to life without my ex, and while we still have to interact multiple times weekly due to our shared love - our dog, and usually have a meal together each weekend, I'm over her and am well on my way to becoming a better person, who is better-equipped for whatever comes up in a relationship.

 

The reason for this post, is that I've encountered a person at work - she works for the other side of the company so does not report to me or have anything to do with my side of the company - but we get along well and have started running together on our lunches a couple of times a week. I have really been quite taken with her, until today.

 

She was very helpful when I went through my breakup, and sent me supportive messages when I was staying in an airbnb place for a couple of weeks, and was all round there for me when I needed it.

 

Since then, as I mentioned, we started running together and discussing relationships. I believed, from previous conversations with her, she had been dealt a bunch of bad deals from previous relationships. Turns out that's not the case.

 

I talked with her on our run today about a past relationship I had over 10 years ago, where I had cheated and subsequently been cheated on, and how emotionally devastated I was by all of it. The one that cheated on me married the person and they ended up having 3 kids and living happily ever after. (And I left the most amazing person I have ever met for this piece of trash. Anyway, lots of lessons learned.)

 

As a result of the experience I spent a lot of time in therapy and working on myself to understand why I cheated - validation, the high of it all, many insecurities, and more - and as a result of the work I did, I can confidently say I will never cheat again.

 

So, on the first part of the run today she is empathizing with that experience, as it had happened to her as well, and then everything took a turn - and this is the interesting part - when you find someone is damaged and does not have a normal thought process when it comes to relationships. The problem is, of course, we don't normally find this out until we are well and fully invested in someone.

 

So she tells me that every relationship she's been in - and she's 35 - 5 LTR's and lots of shorter term relationships too - she's always analyzed initially whether her partner was better looking than her, and if he was then he would likely cheat on her. If not, and she was the better looking of the two, it would likely be her that cheated. This is what she thought. Who was more likely to cheat. Every time.

 

I said, do you seriously think that way? She said yes, and she'd rather be the one to cheat first as one of them was going to do it. I couldn't believe it. I told her, you know that's flawed thinking to begin with, and it speaks to a lot of internal problems you have? She said she knew, but didn't know how to fix it.

 

She then told me - right at the end of the run - just dropped the bomb and said she has cheated on every single one of her boyfriends in life with the exception of one.

 

I couldn't believe it. This girl comes across as sweet, kind, clearly caring, but has cheated in each and every relationship - except one - thinking that it was better for her to do it before the other person. She says to me, "I come across as so sweet, don't I?" And yes, she does. Yet she is a true danger out there for the unsuspecting guys that encounter her.

 

As stated above, I think it speaks to massive character flaws, but what could you possibly tell someone like this about how to get on the 'right' side of relationships going forward?

 

My project right now is myself, so I don't have enough time to be spending on her, but I would love to give her some real sage advice from the experts on how to resolve these internal issues that have made it ok (internally) for her to cheat on everyone. (I also recognize it was a big thing for her to share this with me as well, so I don't want to minimize that, but she needs some direction clearly.)

 

I know there will be some here that will have some very powerful thoughts on what to tell her. She appears to be oblivious to the damage she causes, yet she's a nice person. Lots of conflict there.

 

Just looking for some perspective to share. I was nothing sort of astonished with what she shared with me today. Appreciate any and all input.

[mightycpa]

Live and let live. You're not the Saint Bernard of love whose job it is to rescue people from themselves.

 

As you said, you are your project now. Keep this one at arm's length.

[Meli22]

Well at least you know now before you guys gut involved.

 

Don't worry about advice, she probably wouldn't listen. It's her own problem to deal with. Sometimes people just do it, no matter how many times they hear "cheating is wrong."

 

Look after number 1.