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Dumped, Cheated on, Mentally in bad shape!


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Hello

 

Tell my story in short

 

I got dumped one month ago. Didnt start no contact untill 13 days ago. After the break up we kept having sex. At that time I found out she had cheated on me three times when we were together with her ex.

 

Now during no contact she wont leave me alone, sending me texts, calling me. I dont answer and she gets really angry. To get back at me she starts talking/flirting with mutual friends (All mine from the beginning)

 

Used to be depressed and lonely before I met her, now im feeling so bad that im actually considering checking myself in to a mental institution.

 

The funny thing is that I still love her? and miss her? and I can't stop thinking of her. Even though all this happend.

 

Im must be a very very sick person and dont know for how much longer I can go on.

 

/Tom

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anonymousbear00101100

First of all, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. As it seems you are new to the forums, I'd like to let you know that you are truly not alone. That sounds cheesy and cliche, but it's true. I and many others here are experiencing what you are, and in no way shape or form should you ever put yourself down for the feelings you are having.

 

Just because somebody hurt you incredibly bad does not mean the feelings for them will go away. Even though your brain can logically say that what she did is wrong and you don't want them anymore, your heart cannot be so easily convinced. Loving, missing, and especially thinking about an ex are all very normal feelings to have. Feeling overwhelmed with hopeless emotions is also common, especially at the beginning. Those feelings fade, I promise.

 

However, if you are having thoughts about suicide, you should definitely consult the suicide hotline thread. Also worth noting: it is not weak to meet with a therapist. Having someone to talk to and vent your feelings is incredibly helpful on the road to recovery.

 

The very first thing you need to do is to block her. Block her number, block her on social media, and block any and all in person contact possible. Don't go to parties that she's at, don't go near where she works, and if she's flirting with your friends and they refuse to stop letting it happen, cut them off as well. This woman is toxic. She's either using you for sex or trying to string you along to boost her ego, or both. There is no reason to ever hear form her or see her again. If she truly refuses to leave you alone, I'd think about getting a restraining order against her.

 

Like I said before, talking about your feelings is really important. Vent, vent, vent. Put all your thoughts on paper. Talk to a therapist. Talk to family or friends. Post here. This helps you sort out your thoughts and allows you to realize what you are truly feeling.

 

Throw yourself into activities you like. Go to the gym. I used to hate it but now it's the part of the day I look forward to most. Hang out with friends. Take a class, start a hobby, join a club. In the future, when your feelings are less overwhelming, read a book and start watching a new show.

 

You can do this OP. You just need to be determined to fight for your happiness. You will have bad days just like you will have good days. Heck, I'm still at the point where I have good minutes and I have bad minutes. Some of the best advice I've gotten on here is to just ride the waves. They are inevitable. Sometimes they'll be tsunami level, but you will always return. Never doubt yourself. You can do this.

Edited by rjblak13
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Hey

 

Thanks for the reply. I have a hard time talking about feelings. I am diagnosed with Asperger syndrome and worked hard to be able to function like normal people socially.

 

With this girl I opened up alot and she was also my first gf and true love even tho im 26y old. She hurt me so bad that I dont know if I could ever trust anyone again.

 

I have no problems getting other girls but I have problems trusting and getting close with people even before this. I was with one girl couple weeks ago but called it off since I just got guilty feeling I was using her to get over my own pain.

 

My friends or not really that close and some of them would probably sleep with my ex, this thought is killing me.

 

I work in the same area as this girl and party and some of the same places. also since she wants to hang out with my "friends" I know its impossible not to meet her. Dont want to stay at home while she steal my friends and my parties.

 

Dont know why shes doing this to me. She dumped me and now she makes me stay at home, take diffrent paths to work. I was never bad to her, she just wants to destroy my life. why cant she just leave me alone.

 

Feelings are overwhelming with loneliness, anger, fear, missing, betrayal, sadness, chock. Cant think straight for one second. if im with other people I just zone out.

 

Ive joined a gym, im working, trying to do stuff but I just cant stop thinking of the things above. My thoughts are eating me up. Worst times are at night and in the mornings. I can just spontaneously start crying (havnt cried for 15years)

 

Have noone to talk to, therapist is to expensive, no family, no friends I feel comfortable talking to.

 

Im not going to commit suicide, even tho I have thought about it.

 

Sorry if the text is a mess. just like I am. Im at work but cant really work. So I just write what comes in to my mind.

 

Thanks again

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Why don't you call her and tell her things that you've written here?

 

She is probably self centered and doesn't aware that she's hurting you so much. She just thinks that you are mean to her, and created an image of you laughing at her. in that image you are a monster.

 

Call her and tell her that you are very hurt, and you decided NC not to offend her, but to protect yourself because you still have feelings for her. Ask her why does she hurt you so much by going with your friends? ask her why is she so mean to you.

 

I believe that when she notices that you are not the monster she'd imagined, she will change her behavior.

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Tom,

She seems emotionally very immature. This is a tantrum on her part for not

getting what she wants. She wants you back, you avoid her, she can't control you so

she gets mad and wants to make you mad :) Very childish...

She might want only the ego boost of seeing you being sad. After her rejection of dumping you, you are rejecting her by not responding....and she can't handle it. Tom, you seem highly intelligent and very nice. YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE CATCH !!!! Believe me! Once you start to believe this, you will realize that you deserve better, way better than what she could provide for you. This is the withdrawal what you are experiencing, it takes time to get it out of your system, focus on yourself. Start a new hobby, dive into cooking healthy foods :) hit the gym....if she really wants you back she needs to work for it and being nice to you. Some people cheat because of serious self-esteem problems at a young age. The excitement of the "new" which will fade. Don't take her too seriously, really. We don't know what the future brings, you guys might end up together again someday. You might not, because you won't be interested in her by the time she actually wants you back. OR you will fall in love with someone new and wonder why you wanted this current girl in the first place :) Tom, foremost LOVE YOURSELF !! Expect to be treated like you treat your girlfriend. Keep your chin up, don't worry, it will take some time to have this withdrawal calm down, we all have been there on this site !!! You are not alone !!! :) Gym, cooking, positive friends, reach out to family, talk it out.

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Hey

 

Thanks for the reply. I have a hard time talking about feelings. I am diagnosed with Asperger syndrome and worked hard to be able to function like normal people socially.

 

With this girl I opened up alot and she was also my first gf and true love even tho im 26y old. She hurt me so bad that I dont know if I could ever trust anyone again.

 

I have no problems getting other girls but I have problems trusting and getting close with people even before this. I was with one girl couple weeks ago but called it off since I just got guilty feeling I was using her to get over my own pain.

 

My friends or not really that close and some of them would probably sleep with my ex, this thought is killing me.

 

I work in the same area as this girl and party and some of the same places. also since she wants to hang out with my "friends" I know its impossible not to meet her. Dont want to stay at home while she steal my friends and my parties.

 

Dont know why shes doing this to me. She dumped me and now she makes me stay at home, take diffrent paths to work. I was never bad to her, she just wants to destroy my life. why cant she just leave me alone.

 

Feelings are overwhelming with loneliness, anger, fear, missing, betrayal, sadness, chock. Cant think straight for one second. if im with other people I just zone out.

 

Ive joined a gym, im working, trying to do stuff but I just cant stop thinking of the things above. My thoughts are eating me up. Worst times are at night and in the mornings. I can just spontaneously start crying (havnt cried for 15years)

 

Have noone to talk to, therapist is to expensive, no family, no friends I feel comfortable talking to.

 

Im not going to commit suicide, even tho I have thought about it.

 

Sorry if the text is a mess. just like I am. Im at work but cant really work. So I just write what comes in to my mind.

 

Thanks again

 

 

 

 

Dude, If you've thought about it, then go see your Doctor. Tell him/her everything that's going on with you. He/she might prescribe you with anti-depressants. There's nothing wrong with getting medication to help you through the tough times.

 

 

I know therapists cost some money. You might want to look in your area or talk to your doctor about any support groups you can go to. Believe it or not, some do exist. They're kind of like AA where people get together and talk about some of the problems that they're having. Places you can call and inquire about programs like this is you county social services, Park Districts can tell you if they reserve space for programs like this. Or look to the National Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance website to find a peer group near you.

 

 

Then, you have this place. Although, I don't recommend this place as your ONLY source of support. We're good, but I think you might benefit from a safe environment that is controlled by a professional.

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Hello Again

 

Maybe I should call her, but really dont want to talk to her right now. Its all the things around the break up that hurts the most. How she goes out of her way just to get in to my head and mess with me. Cant belive you can act that way, if you once loved somebody. She knows im hurt and said im such a nice guy. But she still just cant leave me alone.

 

Thats actually how the after break up sex started. Me starting NC and she got crazy and knocked on my door without saying anything. When I opened we end up in bed (idiot move...) she later said she thought I was ignoring her and she allready thought of a plan to hurt me the most (psycophat?).

 

I know she had problems in her past and low self-esteem. She told me she cheated on me because she was afraid I was gonna cheat on her (WTF?). However she still broke up with me before I even knew about the cheating.

 

Thanks for ego boosting me captivating :). But being intelligent is probably worse in this case. Since I cant stop thinking about the whole situation every minute.

 

Maybe she want me back, but how could I ever trust someone like that again...

 

Even though I love her and think she was the most fun, goodlooking, interersting person I ever met (still think this) I could never relax after this.

 

This is the most painful thing ive ever gone through. Had friends die before but didnt feel as much pain as now. Guess humans are egoists.

 

Also thinking about the pain that guys/girls whi have been with their girl for 5-10years must go through.

 

Writing helps and knowing others been through the same helps.

 

Thanks for answering!

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Why don't you call her and tell her things that you've written here?

 

She is probably self centered and doesn't aware that she's hurting you so much. She just thinks that you are mean to her, and created an image of you laughing at her. in that image you are a monster.

 

Call her and tell her that you are very hurt, and you decided NC not to offend her, but to protect yourself because you still have feelings for her. Ask her why does she hurt you so much by going with your friends? ask her why is she so mean to you.

 

I believe that when she notices that you are not the monster she'd imagined, she will change her behavior.

I would caution you against doing that, we don't really get a sense of this girl except for this little part you wrote:

I found out she had cheated on me three times when we were together
If she's getting angry at you for ignoring her after you broke up, I'd be willing to be she would justify her behavior rather than try to soothe you. I think she thinks it's all about her.

 

You probably have some difficulty with this, but I think you need to spend some time dissecting what happened to you, and to try and be able to articulate your questions, and you need to develop the most likely answers, so that you can construct a version of the truth that makes sense to you. This girl will not give you any closure; you're going to have to create that for yourself. You will never be satisfied with "well that's just the way it is". I think what would help you is a narrative that explains things to your satisfaction, so that the whole episode makes sense to you.

 

By facing her behaviors, and the emotional implications of those behaviors, they will slowly lose their grip on you. They only seem powerful now, but there's not much behind them to back it up. Wade right into the thick of it, and do battle with the demons that haunt you. Understand them, and they will shrink away.

 

It's not easy, but that's how to make the pain go away.

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Obviously havent thought about suicide in a serious way. Think everyone have thought about it when things get really dark.

 

I think she might be undiagnosed borderline/bipolar for sure. I know for a fact shes been at psychologist a few times. She once told me she thought she was borderline. But I didnt care...

 

Thats probably what made her good sides so special

Edited by TerribleTom
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.

 

I know she had problems in her past and low self-esteem. She told me she cheated on me because she was afraid I was gonna cheat on her (WTF?). However she still broke up with me before I even knew about the cheating.

 

So why do you want her back if she still has the same problems? Think she got cured overnight?

 

Look if you want to heal then move on and remain in N/C. Every time you talk to her either in person or through phone calls/texts all you do is re open the wound.

 

My advice is move on and find someone better suited to you.

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Omg so much in this text is spot on. Im 100% certain that she's borderline. What an awakening.

 

Sucks my fetish is borderline girls :(

 

Update:

 

She called my mom today asking about me, saying my friends were worried about me.

 

Later she fb one of my co-workers asking if ive been at work today. Same story that one of my friends were worried.

 

Should I text her? Tell her not to worry and leave me alone for the rest of my life

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Omg so much in this text is spot on. Im 100% certain that she's borderline. What an awakening.

 

Sucks my fetish is borderline girls :(

 

Update:

 

She called my mom today asking about me, saying my friends were worried about me.

 

Later she fb one of my co-workers asking if ive been at work today. Same story that one of my friends were worried.

 

Should I text her? Tell her not to worry and leave me alone for the rest of my life

 

No. Call her on the phone and have a nice chat with her. Tell her that she hurt you, and ask her nicely to give you quiet and time alone to heal.

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I messed up big time.

 

She asked for my bankacc number

 

I sent it to her so she could send me the money she owes me.

 

Now she mess back, that she wants her last stuff from my house

 

What do I do?

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I messed up big time.

 

She asked for my bankacc number

 

I sent it to her so she could send me the money she owes me.

 

Now she mess back, that she wants her last stuff from my house

 

What do I do?

 

 

Yeah, that was dumb. You should have had one of your friends tell her just to make out a money order and drop it in the mail to you.

 

 

Then, you need to pack up all of her crap and I mean ALL OF IT! And mail it to her or give it to a mutual friend to give to her. Cut ANY ties that she may have to you.

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I messed up big time.

 

She asked for my bankacc number

 

I sent it to her so she could send me the money she owes me.

 

Now she mess back, that she wants her last stuff from my house

 

What do I do?

 

What do you do? You close that bank account and then pack her stuff and send it.

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