Is it healthy to jump to a new relationship?

[Ncpeter12]

Me and my ex dated for 1.5 years. It was a generally good relationship no major problems, but it got too comfortable I guess. She did the whole "I'm confused" thing and ended up breaking up with me. I'm not sure if she left me for this other guy, or if he is a rebound but she instantly entered another relationship and it seems to be progressing quickly. Does this happen a lot and do these new relationships ever work out? Do these people eventually see the grass isn't greener and boomerang back? It would be nice to see people's experiences in these types of situations as I'm having trouble comprehending it all.

[Amelie1980]

No they dont come back.

[anonymousbear00101100]

An ex will immediately go into a rebound relationship for one of two reasons:

 

1. He/she was mentally over the relationship for a good amount of time, and while they were still technically with you, they didn't have the same feelings for you. This one typically hurts more because they basically strung you along to get the perks of your relationship until they could find someone better. This isn't to say they didn't love you dearly at one point, they just are weak, and couldn't do what needed to be done.

 

2. He/she can't handle being alone, and needs validation from a significant other to feel worthy. "But why couldn't that be me? I thought I did so well!" Well likely it was you for a bit. They soon realized they needed to end it with someone they weren't in love with anymore, but quickly found out they couldn't make it on their own. They lure in some poor sucker to help themselves get over you, and eventually they're able to shove their feelings down deep enough where they can't get out, or the new relationship gets them over those feelings entirely.

 

Either way, you do not want to be with this person. I've had the exact same thing happen to me with the whole "I'm confused" thing, then immediately with someone else. She didn't leave me for him per se, but the idea of new people is the easiest way to end a broken relationship. Trust me, this woman is not emotionally mature enough for you.

 

If she falls under the first option, she will never come back. If she falls under the second option, you will never want her back. If she asks for you back, say no, because you're only going to be seen as the validator.

 

I know it hurts right now, but trust me, you dodged a bullet here. Stay strong OP, the days will only get better.

[Blanco]

No they dont come back.

 

This isn't true. If the new relationship doesn't work out, then yeah, they might come sniffing around the ex.

 

However, if this happens, then the dumpee should generally exercise caution and remind themselves that they are very likely a Plan B in the eye's of the dumper.

[Amelie1980]

This isn't true. If the new relationship doesn't work out, then yeah, they might come sniffing around the ex.

 

However, if this happens, then the dumpee should generally exercise caution and remind themselves that they are very likely a Plan B in the eye's of the dumper.

 

So they come back temporarily at best

 

Therefore they dont come back properly.

[NopeNah]

So they come back temporarily at best

 

Therefore they dont come back properly.

 

True.

 

Also,eventually the reason(s) they left you for will resurface. Been there,done that, multiple times.

[ExpatInItaly]

An ex will immediately go into a rebound relationship for one of two reasons:

 

1. He/she was mentally over the relationship for a good amount of time, and while they were still technically with you, they didn't have the same feelings for you. This one typically hurts more because they basically strung you along to get the perks of your relationship until they could find someone better. This isn't to say they didn't love you dearly at one point, they just are weak, and couldn't do what needed to be done.

2. He/she can't handle being alone, and needs validation from a significant other to feel worthy. "But why couldn't that be me? I thought I did so well!" Well likely it was you for a bit. They soon realized they needed to end it with someone they weren't in love with anymore, but quickly found out they couldn't make it on their own. They lure in some poor sucker to help themselves get over you, and eventually they're able to shove their feelings down deep enough where they can't get out, or the new relationship gets them over those feelings entirely.

 

Either way, you do not want to be with this person. I've had the exact same thing happen to me with the whole "I'm confused" thing, then immediately with someone else. She didn't leave me for him per se, but the idea of new people is the easiest way to end a broken relationship. Trust me, this woman is not emotionally mature enough for you.

 

If she falls under the first option, she will never come back. If she falls under the second option, you will never want her back. If she asks for you back, say no, because you're only going to be seen as the validator.

 

I know it hurts right now, but trust me, you dodged a bullet here. Stay strong OP, the days will only get better.

 

I was about to post something along the same lines.

 

I admit to having done this in my younger, immature years. I was with an ex for 5 years and I'd lost feelings for him before we actually broke up. I think a part of me was hoping it was a phase and that my feelings would come back somehow, because 5 years is a while and I knew it would hurt him. But when I finally understood that I had outgrown the relationship and was no longer in love, I grew some balls and ended it. Not the best way of handling the situation, but that's what happened.

 

Not long after I met a new guy and he and we stayed together for almost 8 years. I never went back to my previous ex, because I was personally already checked out of that relationship.

[mightycpa]

My story should dash your hopes pretty good. I was with the best girlfriend ever - can't say enough good things about her and we were better than fine. Great friends, great fun, great ****s. Everybody thought we'd be together forever, me included, and I was entertaining thoughts of buying a ring and all that.

 

Then one day I met my wife. I don't know how I knew, but I knew the day I met her. A strange and inexplicable familiarity that translated into the words "this is who I'm going to marry."

 

I blindsided the best girlfriend ever and immediately started going after the new one. Never looked back, never had doubts or regrets.

 

Yes, it worked out, and yes, I married her. Had it not, I don't really know if I would have come back to her or not. Probably, but then again, she was my best girlfriend ever. She would have also been my second choice, a consolation prize, from that point forward.

 

Now, that doesn't happen with everybody, but it is more common than you might imagine. To protect yourself from the damage that false hope can do, you have to respect her, take her at her word, and assume it is over.

[Amelie1980]

My story should dash your hopes pretty good. I was with the best girlfriend ever - can't say enough good things about her and we were better than fine. Great friends, great fun, great ****s. Everybody thought we'd be together forever, me included, and I was entertaining thoughts of buying a ring and all that.

 

Then one day I met my wife. I don't know how I knew, but I knew the day I met her. A strange and inexplicable familiarity that translated into the words "this is who I'm going to marry."

 

I blindsided the best girlfriend ever and immediately started going after the new one. Never looked back, never had doubts or regrets.

 

Yes, it worked out, and yes, I married her. Had it not, I don't really know if I would have come back to her or not. Probably, but then again, she was my best girlfriend ever. She would have also been my second choice, a consolation prize, from that point forward.

 

Now, that doesn't happen with everybody, but it is more common than you might imagine. To protect yourself from the damage that false hope can do, you have to respect her, take her at her word, and assume it is over.

 

That happens but it happens in reverse too.

 

I posted before about a male friend who chose not to pursue a woman a few years ago. He was interested in other women who were more mysterious than this one. He didnt get to know her well, but she remained in his life through mutual friends. He has gotten to know more about her over the years and realizes he made a huge mistake in not pursuing this woman. In the time he has gotten to know her in a friendly way, she is sweet, stable, kind, loving, a great cook and loads of other stuff. He didnt feel it at the time. But it's too late now she is with someone. He went as far as to say he thinks he would have married her by now.

 

I can happen both ways, one you loved dearly you realized you didnt when you met someone else. Or the one you thought you didnt want, was actually right for you.

 

But you cant live your life hoping they change their mind. If I could only take my own advice now.......

[lana-banana]

I left one boyfriend to be with my current boyfriend and today, more than sixteen months later, we have serious plans to marry. It's not always that way, of course, but when it's right, it's right.

 

Rebounds are for the people who are dumped, not the ones who end the relationships. When you break up with someone you've already gone through the process of mentally and emotionally detaching. You're already prepared to move on to something new.

[Wewon]

Me and my ex dated for 1.5 years. It was a generally good relationship no major problems, but it got too comfortable I guess. She did the whole "I'm confused" thing and ended up breaking up with me. I'm not sure if she left me for this other guy, or if he is a rebound but she instantly entered another relationship and it seems to be progressing quickly. Does this happen a lot and do these new relationships ever work out? Do these people eventually see the grass isn't greener and boomerang back? It would be nice to see people's experiences in these types of situations as I'm having trouble comprehending it all.

 

Ofcourse there are always stories to the contrary but from my observation, this bouncing around usually flops.

 

Like I said, there are exceptions, but their rarity is what makes them noteworthy.

 

I imagine that the real problem is that the new relationship is a reaction to the past more than an actual decision. Its sort of like quitting a job and starting at a new company because someone said something that annoyed you.

[J722]

My story should dash your hopes pretty good. I was with the best girlfriend ever - can't say enough good things about her and we were better than fine. Great friends, great fun, great ****s. Everybody thought we'd be together forever, me included, and I was entertaining thoughts of buying a ring and all that.

 

Then one day I met my wife. I don't know how I knew, but I knew the day I met her. A strange and inexplicable familiarity that translated into the words "this is who I'm going to marry."

 

I blindsided the best girlfriend ever and immediately started going after the new one. Never looked back, never had doubts or regrets.

 

Yes, it worked out, and yes, I married her. Had it not, I don't really know if I would have come back to her or not. Probably, but then again, she was my best girlfriend ever. She would have also been my second choice, a consolation prize, from that point forward.

 

Now, that doesn't happen with everybody, but it is more common than you might imagine. To protect yourself from the damage that false hope can do, you have to respect her, take her at her word, and assume it is over.

 

Great story (maybe not what the OP wanted to hear) but powerful.

 

The entire "this is the girl I'm going to marry" is how I felt with my recent ex -- 100% intuition -- and even meeting her was 100% intuition (off a cold approach at a bookstore).

 

Don't know where I'm going with this, but I appreciate your share.

[AspenBaldwin]

Depends, do you own a water bed?

[minimariah]

I'm not sure if she left me for this other guy...

 

she probably did - to be blunt.

 

Does this happen a lot and do these new relationships ever work out?

 

does it happen a lot...? it happens as often as a divorce. will it last...? sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. i've seen those who do and did last and i've seen those who divorced after a decade of being married. LOTS of variations out there. it should be irrelevant because even if it doesn't last - who is to say that she'll come back running to you?

 

maybe she meets another guy and then dumps this current one. the point is -- it's not your business and you shouldn't worry about it.

 

my advice to you -- assume that she'll marry this dude and be with him forever - i think that it helps with healing... when you take the "worst" case scenario as the final one. the more you think about her new relationships and the more you keep finding a way to convince yourself that they somehow won't last and that she'll go back to you... the longer you'll suffer and your healing will be slower.

 

who cares what goes on in her life - she's irrelevant, you understand? she made her choice, go strict NC and focus on your life. all you can do, really.

Edited November 29, 2015 by minimariah

[Ncpeter12]

Thank you for your responses. The hardest part is that I just never thought she could do something like this. I haven't contacted her and it's been two months, I haven't heard a peep out of her even when my bday passed. I've read about GIGS, and it sounds exactly like what happened to me. We were each other's first loves. Even if she ever comes back I don't know if I could ever trust her again which is sad cause I loved her so much.