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Ex angry with me for declining friendship?


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So it's been a while since I started a thread on LS. But today something happened that I need to get off my chest and hope to get some insights. My ex broke up with me in May. We were in contact the following three months and eventually went out for a lunch. After that I asked her one last time if she would like to try but she did not want to. Since then I never initiated contact.

 

The following months she would contact me once a month, always some 4 weeks in between. Nothing special, and I noticed how I replied less and eventually even stopped responding. Yesterday she added me on Facebook out of the blue. And I thought instead of ignoring her, that it would be nice to be the mature person and explain it to her. Well, bad move haha.

 

I asked her why she added me out of nowhere and she replied she saw some memory thing on Facebook and thought: 'Oh well, it's been this long. Let's add him.' I then told her I don't want to be friends at the moment, nothing personal and I don't hate her. She did not take that well to start with, stating it is personal because I don't want to be friends with her. Some texting back and forth with some very cold and distant okay's from her. Could have stopped there but I just told her upfront that I can't see why we should be friends if we even can't talk in a normal way.

 

This resulted in a rant from her about me not talking normally to her. She was just trying to be nice to me and start conversations. I was the one who did not talk. I agreed but told her that was a form of self-protection and I needed the time alone. But she still was very angry with the fact I called out on her for replying cold and distant when I was discussing 'us' and how I felt.

 

So now I'm really confused. Definetly will get back in the man cave and go NC with her. But do I need to feel guilty about any of this? I just hate the fact that she is angry when my intentions were good. I think she knows this and is kind of the manipulative type.

Edited by NVO
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You don't owe anything to her, being friends with an ex very rarely works and when it does it's a long time after the relationship has ended when both parties have had time to move on.

 

You shouldn't feel guilty for this, instead of ignoring her you simply stated that for your own wellbeing you couldn't be friends right now and she went off on one.

 

She sounds like bad news and very selfish. Block her so you don't have this problem again.

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You don't owe anything to her, being friends with an ex very rarely works and when it does it's a long time after the relationship has ended when both parties have had time to move on.

 

You shouldn't feel guilty for this, instead of ignoring her you simply stated that for your own wellbeing you couldn't be friends right now and she went off on one.

 

She sounds like bad news and very selfish. Block her so you don't have this problem again.

 

Thanks, I needed to read something like that.

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Some people just have trouble empathizing with others.

 

I'm friends with just one of my exes, and that happened only after several years of limited communication while those romantic feelings were going dormant.

 

My last girlfriend doesn't understand why I'm not comfortable being friends with her right now. We split earlier this year and she started dating someone not long after that and remains with him today. She finally called me out on it last month after many months of virtually no contact. She's re-framed the situation to where she's been the mature one doing all the right things and I'm just this guy who's done the messed up things and is treating her badly by not wanting to be friends.

 

I tried to be diplomatic and say that I thought it was inappropriate for us to be "friends" while she's with this guy, given the circumstances. She wasn't buying it, and I stopped trying to fight the brick wall and stopped responding to her texts. She doesn't get it.

 

I don't owe her friendship. And the same goes for you, too, OP.

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I think you should date more and stop allowing her to occupy that much headspace. Nothing to explain, she can't have the emotional comfort & not date you. Life sucks that way ! Date extensively. Really.

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From my experience, I just don't think being friends with an ex afterwards is a healthy thing for both of you. My ex and I, whom was my best friend for years prior to dating, just couldn't return to friendship afterwards. She did state she didn't think I could handle being just friends, which in reality, I probably could not.

 

Do your best to continue NC. It is certainly not easy. I broke NC but never got a response because it is quite easy for her to move on due to where she lives and amount of people she has there.

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You tried to be considerate and explain that it wasn't personal, but she took it personally anyway. Something along the lines of

 

How dare you not want to be MY friend!

 

Let me ask you to answer truthfully. If you just met someone, and you heard them say that to somebody else, would you really want to be their friend?

 

You did what you could for her, but you still have to do what you need to do for you. You're not responsible for how she feels. You're responsible for how you feel, and right now, you feel like you're better off without her being around.

 

She'll get over it. Or she won't.

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She's just angry she can't track down your activities.

 

I've always thought Facebook is a breeding ground for stalkers.

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You tried to be considerate and explain that it wasn't personal, but she took it personally anyway. Something along the lines of

 

 

 

Let me ask you to answer truthfully. If you just met someone, and you heard them say that to somebody else, would you really want to be their friend?

 

You did what you could for her, but you still have to do what you need to do for you. You're not responsible for how she feels. You're responsible for how you feel, and right now, you feel like you're better off without her being around.

 

She'll get over it. Or she won't.

 

This was sort of my mindset with the ex I referenced. At this point, it's been nearly a year since the split and six months since we saw each other or communicated with any regularity.

 

We are, for most intents and purposes, strangers now. She owes me nothing. I owe her nothing. I assumed, given the near total absence of communication in recent months, she saw it that way, too. I guess not, given her texts a few weeks ago.

 

It's ironic; you'd assume she was the single one and I was the one now with someone, not the other way around. She cited the duration of our relationship, the kids involved (hers, not mine), and us living together as reasons why she thought it odd to become strangers now. It occurred to me at that point that maybe it's actually that sort of history that makes friendship after, now or in the future, unrealistic.

 

That ex who I said I'm friends with now? Shortest relationship I've had, but even that took several years of little contact to get to a place where I think we can safely say our feelings our strictly platonic and we are encouraging of each other's romantic pursuits. Sometimes, I think it's the relationships with so much history that can't make the transition to friendship.

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I've opted to do the "mature" thing and be friends after a break up...never again.

 

You have every right to not put yourself into that position if you don't want it. If she can't see past herself in this, then you're better off without her.

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You don't actually owe friendship to anyone on this planet if it's detrimental to your emotional health. There's nothing to feel guilty about. I think a lot of exes want these faux friendships to alleviate their own guilt. If they can get you to be "friends," then they feel like a good person, an agreeable person who can get along with anyone. So it's not really out of a genuine desire to cultivate a real friendship because, let's face it, that's usually not realistic or appropriate with an ex.

 

My ex pulled something similar. He made it seem like a gift that he was offering his fake friendship. The guy was engaged to someone else and still trying to chat me up at work like we were BFF. I ignored him, and I guess he got his feelings hurt. I don't know what these people think. Maybe that we are going to double date and swap Christmas cards. It's absurd. I remember how he used to claim friendship with all his exes and stayed in contact with them. I felt it was inappropriate.

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Thanks guys. Really means a lot. Saw her talking to guys tonight, we we're clubbing in the same club. It hurts but they are not nearly as good as me, thats a comfort...

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