nadzz Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Hey guys, I am hoping to get some clarification on a recent breakup of mine. So I was with this guy for about 5 months and things were really good at the beginning. I treated him really well and he treated me okay too. Anyway, I went on vacation last month and when I got back, he was acting differently towards me but I still showed him love and affection and even bought him an expensive gift. Because I felt he was acting differently towards me, I said that if we break up then I want the gift back. A few days later, he was at my house and took little things from me that he liked such as lighters, gemstones, etc. I had a feeling I wouldn't see him again. I realized something was off so I stopped contacting him to see if he would put in effort. After two weeks I got in touch and we spoke a bit, then a couple days later he broke up with me saying his feelings weren't growing but he felt like a jerk and was guilty and was so mad at himself because I had been good to him. ANYWAY, since I sensed and almost expected the breakup, my reaction was not of sadness at all. I was very understanding and told him to do what was best for him. I then proceeded to ask for him to ship my stuff to me. He was a bit shocked but understood. Then I asked for the other things he took the last time from my house as I felt like he was shopping in my house before dumping me. He went nuts! He thought I was extremely rude and got angry at me for asking for my stuff. My question now is: why is he so upset that I wanted my stuff?? He just dumped me. Do guys expect u to cry and beg for the relationship to continue?? please give me some insight on why he's so upset that I want my stuff when he just ended thing. thank you!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Because I felt he was acting differently towards me, I said that if we break up then I want the gift back. A few days later, he was at my house and took little things from me that he liked such as lighters, gemstones, etc. I had a feeling I wouldn't see him again. Okay, this whole thing sounds strange to me, but I won't judge. That being said, the desire to see a reaction is certainly not a guy thing. I'd say that most guys have gotten the distinct feeling that women do things for the sole purpose of seeing a visceral emotional reaction out of their partners. I'd say that you dodged a bullet in this relationship, people like this can be very exhausting since your authentic reactions to life are always being measured and scrutinized. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 He was taking what he could get and he’s upset that you called him on it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 He pretty much didn't like being called out on his crappy behavior. I'm pretty sure any guy would prefer no reaction and no drama when they break up with a girl. It makes it easier on them and causes less guilt. You had every right to ask for your stuff back, and he's a jerk for not graciously offering to return it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 (edited) Maybe it's just me, but it's strange to ask someone to return gifts. It would rub me the wrong way. Exception are things like engagement rings, or things very valuable that are considered loans or temporary during the course of a relationship. Next time in a relationship, only give gifts that you are willing to part with as "gifts". I think it saves some dignity when things end and just end without weirdness like that. I have created some amazing things for ex's out of my own hands and have great values but when I parted with it, I parted with it. The dignify thing is if my ex wants to throw it away, she would ask me if I want it back. Edited November 25, 2015 by Dylon Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 If he took items from her home without permission then TECHNICALLY it's theft. She made it clear to him she would want her gifts back. It isn't clear whether he agreed, or discussed it further with her, but if she made that stipulation, it's actually quite clear by his subsequent actions (taking things from her house) that his intentions were to NOT comply. Her suspicions were confirmed. He broke up with her. He's a thief. She has every right to ask for her things back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Yes sure of course if he just took it. She was there so it depends on whether she said, ok you can have it, right? Of course you have the right to ask for it back but pushing it just makes the situation more difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 If I were the guy, I would just say, fine....and just do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 If I were the guy, I would just say, fine....and just do it. I would too. All break ups are different, some people absolutely do not want gifts returned. I wouldn't, to me a gift is a gift, the same as you wouldn't ask for a birthday or Christmas gift back from friends or relatives. Once you give a gift to somebody, it belongs to them. It's different to loaning. But quite a lot of people do want gifts returned, I'd view that as kinda petty but would return everything immediately because some people use it as a way to constantly stay in contact with you, or as one last way to take a dig at you for ending the relationship. In the case of him taking "small things" from you before the break up, you obviously felt uncomfortable with it at the time and probably should have said so. But as they weren't really "gifts" he shouldn't be pissed that you want them back. I guess he's mad because he just really wanted the stuff he took, or maybe he took them to give them to another chick, and now has to ask for them back? He sounded pretty detached when you returned from time away and maybe he met someone else during that period you were absent. In fact, he more than likely did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nadzz Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Okay, this whole thing sounds strange to me, but I won't judge. That being said, the desire to see a reaction is certainly not a guy thing. I'd say that most guys have gotten the distinct feeling that women do things for the sole purpose of seeing a visceral emotional reaction out of their partners. I'd say that you dodged a bullet in this relationship, people like this can be very exhausting since your authentic reactions to life are always being measured and scrutinized. Not sure what u mean by the last portion...which reaction are u referring to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nadzz Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Maybe it's just me, but it's strange to ask someone to return gifts. It would rub me the wrong way. Exception are things like engagement rings, or things very valuable that are considered loans or temporary during the course of a relationship. Next time in a relationship, only give gifts that you are willing to part with as "gifts". I think it saves some dignity when things end and just end without weirdness like that. I have created some amazing things for ex's out of my own hands and have great values but when I parted with it, I parted with it. The dignify thing is if my ex wants to throw it away, she would ask me if I want it back. I would have happily given him the gift without saying that if I didn't think he was acting odd...and he literally ended things so soon after I gave it to him. Good advice though, I will limit my gifts. Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I meant to add that gemstones wouldn't typically be something a guy would want to take (I definitely wouldn't) but if they were to give to a chick then that's a different story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nadzz Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 If he took items from her home without permission then TECHNICALLY it's theft. She made it clear to him she would want her gifts back. It isn't clear whether he agreed, or discussed it further with her, but if she made that stipulation, it's actually quite clear by his subsequent actions (taking things from her house) that his intentions were to NOT comply. Her suspicions were confirmed. He broke up with her. He's a thief. She has every right to ask for her things back. It was more like "oh, I like this, i'll take it" and I'm just like "okay whatever" because we were still in a relationship at the time. Had I actually known that I would never have seen him again I never would have let him take them. Thank you for your support! What about his reaction though? Why is he mad at me for asking? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 If you give someone something, you relinquish all ownership of it, and they can do what they want with it. If you ask for it back, they are quite entitled to keep it if they want to, because it belongs to them. QED. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nadzz Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 I meant to add that gemstones wouldn't typically be something a guy would want to take (I definitely wouldn't) but if they were to give to a chick then that's a different story. i have this gemstone under my pillow that gives me vivid dreams and he realized that they work so he wanted one too and took it from me Link to post Share on other sites
Author nadzz Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 If you give someone something, you relinquish all ownership of it, and they can do what they want with it. If you ask for it back, they are quite entitled to keep it if they want to, because it belongs to them. QED. I'm obviously a bit concerned about the gift, but my main concern right now is why he is so angry that I asked for it back when HE dumped ME. Please enlighten me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 i have this gemstone under my pillow that gives me vivid dreams and he realized that they work so he wanted one too and took it from me You are fully within your rights to demand that he returns it to you. Your property that is, not the gift you gave to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nadzz Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 I would too. All break ups are different, some people absolutely do not want gifts returned. I wouldn't, to me a gift is a gift, the same as you wouldn't ask for a birthday or Christmas gift back from friends or relatives. Once you give a gift to somebody, it belongs to them. It's different to loaning. But quite a lot of people do want gifts returned, I'd view that as kinda petty but would return everything immediately because some people use it as a way to constantly stay in contact with you, or as one last way to take a dig at you for ending the relationship. In the case of him taking "small things" from you before the break up, you obviously felt uncomfortable with it at the time and probably should have said so. But as they weren't really "gifts" he shouldn't be pissed that you want them back. I guess he's mad because he just really wanted the stuff he took, or maybe he took them to give them to another chick, and now has to ask for them back? He sounded pretty detached when you returned from time away and maybe he met someone else during that period you were absent. In fact, he more than likely did. That probably is which is not my concern, I don't really care about the relationship, hence why I was more concerned about my stuff than about getting him back. So he's angry because he genuinely wants to keep the stuff?? :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author nadzz Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 You are fully within your rights to demand that he returns it to you. Your property that is, not the gift you gave to him. The issue is, he was understanding and okay with giving the gift back but freaked when I asked for the little things back... Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 The issue is, he was understanding and okay with giving the gift back but freaked when I asked for the little things back... Maybe he's just really enjoying those vivid dreams. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nadzz Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Maybe he's just really enjoying those vivid dreams. haha must be. thanks for that comment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 The issue is, he was understanding and okay with giving the gift back but freaked when I asked for the little things back... You are absolutely within your rights to demand that he returns your property. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Agree with the PPs you are right to ask for your things back. I would have no issues returning it as long as I could retain NC. So shipping them, leaving them with a mutual friend, etc. would be fine IMO. I had an ex that asked me to put things of mine in a drawer he cleared out for me in his place. So I left a few items behind that I would bring over when I stayed there. He stood me up literally on the next date (within a week) and tried to ghost me. I have no idea why people do this but it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Don't make an issue out of nothing. you saw him, you had the feeling, you let it happen.. move on. He tainted the things he took with bad memories now.. they are worthless now. Just replace them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nadzz Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 Thanks for your responses everyone. I still want some clarity on why he is angry at me for asking for my stuff. He went from feeling bad/guilty about ending things to being pissed off at me within minutes...why? Link to post Share on other sites
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