How do you move on, when you don't want to?

[JustAnotherLostLove]

Simple question, how? I was just let go from a 3 year relationship, 2 months ago. A side from the occasional hurdle, she seems to be doing great, and feeling liberated without me. I on the other hand, am not. I didn't see the breakup coming until about 5 or so days in advance, and boom, she's entirely gone. A side from a couple casual text here and there, haven't spoken to, or seen her since. We had a life planned together, and she, along with her family, were almost all the family I got. Now I find myself in a VERY dark place. I have nightmares of losing her almost every night, literally. And my heart simply doesn't want to let her go, even tho I know I should.

 

So how does one do this? And theoretically, if you had to put a number to it, how long will it take until I'm emotionally ready to move on?

 

Thank you.

[QB912]

I don't know how to help you, but I want to let you know that you're not alone. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago and I feel so empty and lost. He was my husband to me, and his parents already treated me like a daughter in law. He just told me he wasn't happy and he didn't love me anymore despite all of the things I did to take care of him over the years. We had plenty of bumps in the road, but I always saw my future laid out with him. Poof, it's gone. Again, you are not alone. I'm in a dark place as well.

[Skullheart]

I'm in the same exact boat as you, except she jumped onto another branch a week after.

 

It sucks, It really does. It's been about two months since the BU and 20 days since I last talked to her and it's been hell. I feel numb almost every day but the only thing I can do is move forward and try to make it through the day.

 

There's no estimated number to when you will feel better or not care about them anymore, everyone is different. Some people will take a few weeks to get over it and some could take years.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

I don't know how to help you, but I want to let you know that you're not alone. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago and I feel so empty and lost. He was my husband to me, and his parents already treated me like a daughter in law. He just told me he wasn't happy and he didn't love me anymore despite all of the things I did to take care of him over the years. We had plenty of bumps in the road, but I always saw my future laid out with him. Poof, it's gone. Again, you are not alone. I'm in a dark place as well.

 

Wow, sounds like HIS loss. Have you spoke to him since he left a month ago?

[DontBreakEven]

No clue. When you figure out, tell me how.

 

I'm in the same boat. Everyone tells me to let go and move on. My brain tells me to let go and move on. My heart doesn't want to budge one bit. It's a problem.

[Nickr3023]

Unfortunately the only thing that truly works. And it's one of those things that doesn't happen suddenly it's very gradual. You don't wake up one day and instantly feel better. A few weeks or months down the road you'll think back and say wow I haven't really thought of her/him in a while. I was once told you grieve for 2 months for every year you were together. When my 9 year relationship ended it easily took me over a year to feel completely emotionally better. Now I'm testing that theory after my 1 year relationship just ended.

 

I've actually found that what helps me, and this may be just because of my personality, but whenever I'm feeling down I come on here and read other people's stories and then reply back to them and try and help and guide them. It's amazing that it's so easy to give advice on a topic but when you're in the same situation you're completely lost. Give it a shot and you'll hear yourself saying "yeah if only I could take my own advice" good luck!

[Silver_star]

I cant put a number on it, it's different for everyone.

 

 

If you try and focus on the negatives of the relationship I find that helps me. At first I said "There weren't any negatives, our relationship was magical". But take off the rose colored glasses and think of the things you didn't enjoy, even if they didn't matter much to you at the time, really focus on their flaws or the little flaws in the relationship. Focus on how careless they were with your heart at the end.

It makes me think that we can really fall in love with anyone despite their flaws, if we like them enough to see past them. We put those we care about up on a pedestal, after the break up it's important to look at them as any other person. Just a regular person, with flaws, and their biggest one (to you) should be that they don't see enough value in you to stay. Their loss.

[Deleted User]

I'm kind of in the same boat.

 

12yr LTR ended last August. I didn't know how to cope back then and to be totally honest, I still don't (and I don't want to be in this situation either, it deeply sucks).

 

There is one thing, though, that was in the background all that time, and it helped me TONS with my recovery so far.

 

When I was a younger lad, I used to play the piano and guitar. No lessons and not talented by any means, but I really, genuinely enjoyed playing music.

 

I met my ex in 2003 and from there, I pretty much kept busy with other things in life and music was left in the back seat. Sold my piano, let my guitar rot in its case.

 

About 2 months ago (1 month post-BU), I took my old guitar out and bought her new strings. Tuned her and hurt my finger just like when I was 14. Now the thick skin is back and I can play for 1hr+ without pain.

 

I also bought myself a new (WAY nicer) piano 1 week ago!

 

I'm working loads of overtime so I can pamper myself to these treats.

 

But honestly, getting back to old passions was THE thing that helped me the most. I'm a solitary guy so I didn't really fall back on a support network like most people do. I fought my demons by myself and although still very hurt, upset and still much in love with her, I've been able to keep NC and lose weight/play music. The road to recovery is long and full of nasty surprises, but at the very least, I know I'm on the right track.

 

So my message to you is, find what used to love the most BEFORE you were with your ex and get back into it head first!

[Deleted User]

... a regular person, with flaws, and their biggest one (to you) should be that they don't see enough value in you to stay. Their loss.

 

I'm SO writing this on my fridge. It needs to jump in my face every morning when I reach for the door.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

I'm kind of in the same boat.

 

12yr LTR ended last August. I didn't know how to cope back then and to be totally honest, I still don't (and I don't want to be in this situation either, it deeply sucks).

 

There is one thing, though, that was in the background all that time, and it helped me TONS with my recovery so far.

 

When I was a younger lad, I used to play the piano and guitar. No lessons and not talented by any means, but I really, genuinely enjoyed playing music.

 

I met my ex in 2003 and from there, I pretty much kept busy with other things in life and music was left in the back seat. Sold my piano, let my guitar rot in its case.

 

About 2 months ago (1 month post-BU), I took my old guitar out and bought her new strings. Tuned her and hurt my finger just like when I was 14. Now the thick skin is back and I can play for 1hr+ without pain.

 

I also bought myself a new (WAY nicer) piano 1 week ago!

 

I'm working loads of overtime so I can pamper myself to these treats.

 

But honestly, getting back to old passions was THE thing that helped me the most. I'm a solitary guy so I didn't really fall back on a support network like most people do. I fought my demons by myself and although still very hurt, upset and still much in love with her, I've been able to keep NC and lose weight/play music. The road to recovery is long and full of nasty surprises, but at the very least, I know I'm on the right track.

 

So my message to you is, find what used to love the most BEFORE you were with your ex and get back into it head first!

 

Man, I'm really sorry you have to endure this loss. To have somebody you love, vanish after 12 years, has to be incredibly hard. I hear you on getting back to old passions. I use to drum back in the day, but let go of it when I left my job at Guitar Center. Really thinking about getting back into it. But for the first time in my life, I have been going to the gym, every other day like clockwork, since she left. Quit smoking, got on a diet, and remained committed. I've also been playing WAAAAAAAY too much Xbox, not sure how I feel about that. Also been too depressed to go back to work.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

Unfortunately the only thing that truly works. And it's one of those things that doesn't happen suddenly it's very gradual. You don't wake up one day and instantly feel better. A few weeks or months down the road you'll think back and say wow I haven't really thought of her/him in a while. I was once told you grieve for 2 months for every year you were together. When my 9 year relationship ended it easily took me over a year to feel completely emotionally better. Now I'm testing that theory after my 1 year relationship just ended.

 

I've actually found that what helps me, and this may be just because of my personality, but whenever I'm feeling down I come on here and read other people's stories and then reply back to them and try and help and guide them. It's amazing that it's so easy to give advice on a topic but when you're in the same situation you're completely lost. Give it a shot and you'll hear yourself saying "yeah if only I could take my own advice" good luck!

 

2 months for every year. That sounds pretty reasonable. Even after 6 months tho, I can still see myself missing her.

[Nickr3023]

Yes there will still be things you miss but what I noticed was that the good memories that remained when I thought about them or they crept up I was either indifferent and they made me smile instead of sad. This is just from my personal experience. You may also find someone else that speeds along that process. Keep your head up.

[Protec]

I am still missing my ex like crazy. What makes it more difficult for me is because this was "our" apartment. We moved in together to this apartment, we got all the furniture etc. together and assembled. Then she left, i stayed here. So much memories here.

 

I still miss my ex. We broke up 4 months ago, 2 months NC now. We only dated for about a year. I still see dreams about her. I still want her back. She was complete bitch toward me after BU, still i find myself missing her.

[Nickr3023]

I bought a house with my ex and I felt the same way...she also cheated on me in the house...but over time it does just go away. Stay with the no contact if she really wants to get in touch with you she will...and make sure it's a meaningful message too..nit just something to keep you on the back burner.

[Deleted User]

Man, I'm really sorry you have to endure this loss. To have somebody you love, vanish after 12 years, has to be incredibly hard. I hear you on getting back to old passions. I use to drum back in the day, but let go of it when I left my job at Guitar Center. Really thinking about getting back into it. But for the first time in my life, I have been going to the gym, every other day like clockwork, since she left. Quit smoking, got on a diet, and remained committed. I've also been playing WAAAAAAAY too much Xbox, not sure how I feel about that. Also been too depressed to go back to work.

 

I don't have any hopes of ever hearing from my ex again.

 

Last time I had "contact" with her was Nov 2nd when I congratulated her (by SMS) for winning 1st place with her women's hockey team. The reply I got was along the lines of "Stop contacting me right now, else I'm filing for harrassment". Mind you, I only congratulated her on winning 1st place... Nothing else.

 

Have been NC since. And from the looks of her public FB posts, she seems totally content and happy.

 

This after she left on a whim after 12yrs.

 

So, yeah. I'm dying for breadcrumbs or anything, but I honestly know, deep down, it's never happening.

Edited November 26, 2015 by TopperCNC

[TheLoveBelow92]

Simple question, how? I was just let go from a 3 year relationship, 2 months ago. A side from the occasional hurdle, she seems to be doing great, and feeling liberated without me. I on the other hand, am not. I didn't see the breakup coming until about 5 or so days in advance, and boom, she's entirely gone. A side from a couple casual text here and there, haven't spoken to, or seen her since. We had a life planned together, and she, along with her family, were almost all the family I got. Now I find myself in a VERY dark place. I have nightmares of losing her almost every night, literally. And my heart simply doesn't want to let her go, even tho I know I should.

 

So how does one do this? And theoretically, if you had to put a number to it, how long will it take until I'm emotionally ready to move on?

 

Thank you.

 

Its real tough and I was in the same place as you. Im 4 nearly 5 months out, as people said here you dont wake up one morning and feel better you will get better days and then you will slip again and its completely normal. read some of my threads and posts some great help in there that helped me. It depends on how deep the relationship was, you might always miss them but when you dont have a choice in the matter its so hard. time heals unfortunately and thats really it. try do things you enjoy keep busy because days and weeks will slip by so fast even tho they can seem so long right now. Do whatever you feel like doing you have to release these feelings to get them out of you try not to think to negatively about things work towards something a holiday for yourself or something you really want. Hope this helps

[JustAnotherLostLove]

I don't have any hopes of ever hearing from my ex again.

 

Last time I had "contact" with her was Nov 2nd when I congratulated her (by SMS) for winning 1st place with her women's hockey team. The reply I got was along the lines of "Stop contacting me right now, else I'm filing for harrassment". Mind you, I only congratulated her on winning 1st place... Nothing else.

 

Have been NC since. And from the looks of her public FB posts, she seems totally content and happy.

 

This after she left on a whim after 12yrs.

 

So, yeah. I'm dying for breadcrumbs or anything, but I honestly know, deep down, it's never happening.

 

God man, that is rough. Good thing is, you no longer have any hope to hang onto to, you must move forward now. I would say there's someone better for you out there (and their probably is), but I hate it when people say that to me. Cause in my mind I'm thinking... What, you gonna tell me the same thing when the next one doesn't work out too?

 

Sucks that people just can't fight, and stay together anymore.

[K2z]

Mine left to see her sister in Europe for three months in April.

 

Last week she got married and the pix were on Facebook.

 

I have the hugest incentive in the world to "move on." And yet....

 

The heart keeps crying like a baby. The baby just has to cry itself to sleep. For me I imagine that's gonna take close to 6 months to a year.. maybe. We were together three years.

[Deleted User]

I have the hugest incentive in the world to "move on." And yet....

 

This. Totally effin' this.

[Deleted User]

God man, that is rough. Good thing is, you no longer have any hope to hang onto to, you must move forward now. I would say there's someone better for you out there (and their probably is), but I hate it when people say that to me. Cause in my mind I'm thinking... What, you gonna tell me the same thing when the next one doesn't work out too?

 

Sucks that people just can't fight, and stay together anymore.

 

I'm going to sound shallow here, but what REALLY doesn't help me here is that she was the RIL version of my dream woman (physically speaking). I mean, there was absolutely NOTHING at all I would have added or taken out. She was short (not even 5'), stacked (holy hell she was) and had the softest skin/hair ever.

 

Me, being the ugly mugshot that I am, will NEVER find someone even remotely close to good looking as she was.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

Mine left to see her sister in Europe for three months in April.

 

Last week she got married and the pix were on Facebook.

 

I have the hugest incentive in the world to "move on." And yet....

 

The heart keeps crying like a baby. The baby just has to cry itself to sleep. For me I imagine that's gonna take close to 6 months to a year.. maybe. We were together three years.

 

Damn, really? All in the span of 3 months, did she even break up with you first? I'd be surprised if they lasted.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

I'm going to sound shallow here, but what REALLY doesn't help me here is that she was the RIL version of my dream woman (physically speaking). I mean, there was absolutely NOTHING at all I would have added or taken out. She was short (not even 5'), stacked (holy hell she was) and had the softest skin/hair ever.

 

Me, being the ugly mugshot that I am, will NEVER find someone even remotely close to good looking as she was.

 

Sometimes I feel the same way. My ex is a 10, honestly. Drop dead, universally beautiful, anybody would think so. But the truth is... If we did it once, we can do it a dozen more times. Believe that.

[K2z]

Mine left in April, and was just married last week to another guy. I sent her a letter asking her to spend her life with me in August, and sort of atoning for my failures. She had already chosen by then I think. The family seems to have been on his side, he seems to have a better job, and she can live near her sister in Europe.

 

All you can do is lay it on the line-- ONCE-- and then you leave it up to her. Or you sever yourself.

[K2z]

oops I guess I already posted in this thread earlier.. my bad

[JustAnotherLostLove]

Mine left in April, and was just married last week to another guy. I sent her a letter asking her to spend her life with me in August, and sort of atoning for my failures. She had already chosen by then I think. The family seems to have been on his side, he seems to have a better job, and she can live near her sister in Europe.

 

All you can do is lay it on the line-- ONCE-- and then you leave it up to her. Or you sever yourself.

 

How can anybody get married 7 months after someone else? It takes YEARS to truly know a person.