Jump to content

Feeling the urge to break NC after a long time.


Recommended Posts

I'm pretty compelled right now to check my ex's facebook and online dating profile. I know this would be a stupid move on my part, as the last time I did it, several months ago, I felt the mixture of depression that he was all well and good while I was still hurt, and anger towards myself for giving into the compulsion to check.

 

I don't know if it's because the holidays are nearing or what, but I took some time off of all sites in terms of looking for a solution to my problem, which is getting him off my mind, and it helped redirect my energy somewhat, but I still think of him every day and I feel like this urge to check has persisted for some time and the intensity of it makes me feel like it must be a sign that I should check.

 

As I was going to check, my heartbeat was racing like a mile a minute and I felt kind of sick, and this is generally how it ends up for me. I truly don't want to revisit that pain of seeing him the exact way I did a few months ago when I last checked, or maybe even in a different state -- like having a girlfriend -- which would hurt me even further.

 

This is like a last ditch effort to save myself from doing what I know I should not do but crave so bad lately. I don't know if it's the impending holidays or what, but I thought I was cruising along slightly and then boom, these urges hit me from outta nowhere seemingly and last night and today it seems unavoidable and like I must do it to get it out of my system.

 

I remember an ex I had in college where I checked his facebook at the year mark and saw he had a girlfriend, so I'm getting flashbacks to how that felt and I feel like this is almost a sign that I need to check to get some helpful information that will give me the final push to move forward in my healing.

 

Honestly I'm at a loss as to what to do to purge myself of these urges. I can't seem to just 'ride them out' because they keep hitting me like waves, which begs the question: what does this mean? Should I act upon the urge? I really would rather not... but I swear to you, it's like I don't have control of my body.

 

I would love to say that at nearly a year from when he callously cut me off and 6 months from when I last checked his social media, I'm free from the slightest urge to ever look at him again. I feel like I had enough 6 months ago, but this just goes on and on, and these urges are creeping up yet again and I'm finding it immensely difficult to resist.

 

tldr: want to peek at ex's social media and it's driving me crazy. do i do it or not?

Link to post
Share on other sites

It depends on where you're at in the healing process.

 

I checked my ex's page after our break up often and anything involving another guy made me feel incredibly anxious and sad.

 

I checked her page again after starting a relationship with a new girl, she had a bf, I felt a small twinge of discomfort, but something about it was relieving. A phew she's finally gone for good moment, compared to before when she kept lying about being single.

 

I checked it again after me and the recent girl broke up, she had tons of pics of the new guy and said "lover" etc. I felt nothing, it was a very rewarding moment indicative of my progress. I had zero desire to get her back, on the flip side, I do have a small desire to get my more recent ex back.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think if you peek at your ex's facebook, it might do more damage than good. I have broken up with the last guy I dated about 3 weeks ago, and I check his facebook a couple of times. It doesn't help me at all to move on, but every day I feel less of any type of sadness, so I'm coming out of the healing process and not caring about him. I think if I didn't check his facebook so often, I would've been fine by now. But unfortunately, our minds and heart/feelings do things differently. Sometimes that urge to "find out" and "peek" is what some people may need to help them move on; but again, it could do more damage than before, especially if you're still holding on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Seems like you have struggled for some time. So check and see. It might hurt more than last time or it might hurt less. Regardless, it's part of your healing process. We all can sit back and say go full NC, block him, but for some, the uncertainty or the urge is so high that it creates a very stressful anxiety that stops everything.

 

So you are slower in healing. Be well with that. Two steps forward, one step back. You can take your one step back by looking. Who knows, you might see something that will move you 3 steps forward.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

if looking at his social media or dating profiles is going to give you the painful jolt you need to move on, then maybe taking the blinders off is the way to go.

 

why we can only believe the stove is hot after touching it, i don't know. whatever you decide, i'm in your corner, ok?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ravfour, that makes sense. I guess it helped you to check your progress at certain points. I found that to be the case with my one ex, where I looked at the year mark, and then several years later.

 

Iceshowers, I can understand your viewpoint. It feels like I can't be saved either way though, as negative as that sounds. I feel like if I look or don't look, I'm still where I am, which is definitely not able to let go.

 

Thekarmacist & Dylon, your support is appreciated. I guess it is part of the healing process. I'm stuck between being hard on myself for being human and feeling this way, and wanting to just embrace the urge for what it is and demonstrate compassion for myself by giving myself the leeway to check.

 

It's definitely a weird feeling to be this far past the point of the fall out, and still be suffering so intently, and plagued by this urge to check. It's hard because 6 months ago it stung so bad when I checked and it made me hell bent upon not looking again because I figured where was it getting me? I don't want to be one of those people who stays stuck for years because I keep looking. It all seems so pointless too, to check and have that be it. It's going to temporarily provide relief, I'm sure, and then I'll be doubly mad at myself for looking and because when I look, I'll be reminded of why he's no good for me, but then when I go back to not looking, all of these feelings of missing him and wanting closure and all that start bubbling.

 

It's like a never-ending thing.

 

I'm going to try to keep myself occupied and see what happens. If the urge persists, I may have to take action. The only thing that really helps right now is loveshack because it keeps my mind off my inherent feelings. These past few days they've been on overdrive, and it definitely feels like I've taken some major steps backwards.

 

I can almost guarantee that I will check, but I really don't want to further taint my Thanksgiving, considering the hell I went through all of the holidays last year. I just really wanted a good Thanksgiving, and didn't think I'd be the one to ruin it for myself with my messed up feelings.

Edited by dyna85
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Dylon, good question. Well, I guess it's just the ebb and flow of emotions. It could be that I'm kind of in transition with my job and then yesterday something stressful happened, and it kind of set me over the edge a little bit. Then, with the approaching holidays and everything. It's just making me reflect on everything that I felt last year and I'm feeling like I'm still not recovered, so it's like I just want to feel better, and for some reason I'm feeling like that will help me feel better, even though it will likely merely provide temporary relief, if not make me feel worse, or it will not relieve me at all and will make it just worse, period. The net result is that it likely will just feel awful if I do check. As for why I'm feeling the urge now after all this time, I guess it never fully subsided. Like, I've kind of been fighting the feelings, and it's like I'm tired of the fight and I just want to surrender.

 

There's a sense of strength in not looking, because ignorance is bliss and what you don't know can't hurt you, you know? So I've been holding on to that and thinking that if we ever reconnected somehow, I wouldn't need to think about the in between pictures or narrative or whatever, depending on what I see. I could just leave it at, okay, I looked at the 6 month mark, but at that point, I had the excuse that I was still grieving and it wasn't that far out, but now, it's like a year is coming up, and it's just so frustrating because it's like, how much longer is this going to take, and what if I feel the urge again in 6 more months, and on and on, you know? It just makes me wonder if I give in this time, will it be that much harder to get back on the wagon and keep going, and resist other temptations, like actual contact. What if one thing leads to another and I really shoot myself in the foot?

 

You'd think I'd be able to distract myself and just be on with it. Yet, it's hard. It's really hard, even still.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Checking up on her would be a huge mistake.

 

Big, big setback.

 

All of your rationalizations for checking up on her mean one thing: you're not as far along in your progress as you should be.

 

You're not busy enough; you're not dating enough; you're not independent enough.

 

Work on those things. But do not, under any circumstances, look her up, or contact her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Oregondude, honestly, what you have written makes perfect sense. It's like, I'm seeing the words and I know you are 100% right, yet my heart refuses to process them. Yes, I know I'm full of excuses, but I truly feel like I need to do this. It's like it's black Friday and the store just opened and I'm pushing through the crowd and barreling over people to get to what I want, knocking over everyone along the way. I feel awful right now, but I feel like I don't have the strength to resist. I seriously feel like 'f no contact' right now. Like seriously, f it. Where has it gotten me? Nowhere. I feel like I'm spinning in circles. Like get me off this ride. I'm so sick of this merry go round. It's torturous.

 

I guess I'm just being one of those people who asks for advice but really is not willing to accept it for the wisdom that it is. I'm a glutton for punishment. The thing is, I know better too! But I'm weak. I'm human. What can I say?

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are really hard on yourself. Most people fight to have NC like in reaching out and writing or calling. You succeeded in not even look at his FB for 6 months. It's great. Now you have an urge but you succeeded for that long. It's just looking at his FB and not the end of the world so don't make a big deal out of it. Don't count the months, the anniversary. You are way too down on yourself. If it's troubling you again, go look on his FB with the mentality that no matter what, you will be ok. If you see nothing positive or negative, it's neutral. If you see a girlfriend, it's a nail in the coffin. If it hurts, it's already hurting. If it's not as bad as last time, progress. So see.... just accept no matter what you do, you can be peace with it. You are just too edgy right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're gonna do whatever you wanna do. The world will keep spinning either way. All I can tell you is, even though you think you have nothing left to lose... you do.

 

Getting over someone involves two things. 1) New activities, and 2) time.

 

You are sorely lacking in 1).

 

But hey, put your hand in that fire. You only think it'll help b/c it's the one thing you haven't tried. Good luck.

 

PS. Someone's FB is a complete misrepresentation of reality. It is a fabrication. People pretend to be happy on there. Just know that going in.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Dylon, you are such an empathetic person. I really cannot appreciate your compassion enough. I definitely need to work on being more loving towards myself and not so rigid. I think that's part of my problem. I'm making it into a much bigger deal than it is, which is causing me to feel worse than I need to feel. You are so supportive to say what you said and it's true. Looking is not a big deal and not the end of the world. I think it's going to hurt no matter what, so what if there is an added sting? It will pass in time, regardless, and I think I am just putting way too much pressure on myself. I think that's been the issue since day 1.

 

I'm such a black and white person sometimes to the point that it's self destructive. I think what I really need to practice is allowing myself to go with the flow and not be so overly restrictive that I'm putting added undue stress on myself. Gosh, how did I get to be like this? I remember a tough breakup I went through in college, I was not like this. I didn't criticize myself for looking or not looking at my ex's FB in that case. I just did what felt right and sure, at times it was upsetting, but when the time was right, I just naturally stopped looking and I got over it and had a happy life until I met this current ex. With this ex, it's like every time I do anything, I beat myself up and feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. I think I need to just relax a bit and calm down.

 

Oregondude, thank you for your tough love. I understand your point in trying to lead me to the proper place, and I agree that I probably should redirect my energy elsewhere rather than burning myself again. However, at the same time, I feel like it's not necessarily going to kill me, and I may need to just get it over with so I can move past these feelings. I feel like it's almost like a necessary part of the process, to check at the one year mark, or whenever the feelings get really intense. I mean, our feelings are there for a reason, no?

 

There has to be a reason why my body is like 'do it do it do it!' I mean, I can only go off of experience, and when I went through a breakup in the past, looking up my ex on FB after a while did lead me to the recognition that he was in a new relationship, and I remember feeling so upset, but then it really sealed the deal all the more. In this case, I'm almost hoping he has a gf. Okay--so maybe not. However, I do wish there would be like some nugget of info that could really compel me to banish this hope that lies ever so persistently in my heart. With that said, I appreciate you trying to light a fire under my bum to get over him by focusing on making my life more full. I definitely could use a few more activities in my life to keep myself occupied. Will need to work on that. Thanks for the feedback.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You said you wish there's a definitive answer that it's over. What makes you think it's not definitive? Why does your mind count the months in which you tried not to look at his FB, for example. You are not progressing because you didn't accept it's over. You are hopping there is a turn around?

 

What you want is love, to be loved, to give love in relationship to his existence. Which part of you feel that there is still this "love" in the air? That existence was finished long ago. Now, is the time to redirect that love elsewhere, to yourself, to others, to the aura of energy around you. You know the experience when you dive and see something shiney under water, that shiney object, maybe a pearl? You need to give life to yourself and make yourself shine again. Believe me, lots of hungry men out there looking for a shiney pearls ;). Be well to yourself and all will come in time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So... I did it. I felt a little better... and now I feel like it doesn't matter, but there are some things that have me analyzing and I want to contact him like right now (like call, text, preferably call), but I won't and that makes me sad that I can't, because it's so far gone, time-wise. It sucks. It just sucks how much time has passed and that's it... I need to accept it for what it is, and that it is over, which it's been for a long time.

 

There are a few components that I could analyze but my mind is kind of blocking it right now. It's like... what is there to analyze... he's not yours... he's not even your friend... you're nobody to him, and he's not part of your life, so get over it.

 

While I don't feel foolish for checking, since I feel like it's part of my humanity and my spirit needed to do it to further myself along this healing journey, I do not think it necessarily helped tremendously, as I didn't have a break down or anything and I don't feel ecstatic either. I feel kind of medium-ish about the whole checking situation, if that makes any sense.

 

I'm glad I did it, because I feel like my body needed to and wanted to do it, so I gave it that.

 

It definitely feels like there's unfinished business, Dylon, due to the complicated nature in which it ended and everything, at least from my perspective. I realize he could have let it go the moment he chose to ignore me in the end. My heart says he didn't forget though, so that is where the lingering hope comes into play. However, when I think of where I was a year ago, I definitely feel sorry for myself and sad for myself to have gone through such painful times given this experience. There's no turning back the clock, and that is the most sad element of it all. It's like... what's done is done. It's like a tragic moment in a movie on repeat in my soul. I don't know that I can ever fully move on from this. I think I somehow must learn to accept what has occurred and deal with it the best way I know how.

 

As for counting the time, I don't know why.... it's weird. I think I had myself on this trajectory where I figured by 6 months I'd be nearly over it and at the year point, this would definitely not be a prevalent point in my mind. I also kept track of the time I last checked facebook because the last time I checked, it killed me and I swore to myself all up and down that I wouldn't do that to myself ever again, and I was just kind of taking pride in how far I'd come because I was like 'see I am not caring about what he's up to and it's been x amt of time'... but the truth is, all along he still haunted me, so it didn't matter about the time.

 

The part of me that still feels there is love there is my soul. It's just not something I can turn off or push out of my mind for some reason. It's too heavy to just put on the backburner and just think of meeting someone else, ever. I can't even look at other guys the same. It's just not the same. It will never be the same. I don't know of any guy who will measure up to how he made me feel at the soul level.

 

But oh well.. back to life and just contending with the thoughts and feelings as they come, and trying to not let it pain me every day that he chooses to continue to ignore me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dyna my friend! It's been awhile.

 

I was going to try and get to you first before you checked but I missed the boat.

 

First, the holidays are not a good time for your emotions. It's like a constant reminder that we are single and alone and everyone else is happy and coupled.

 

I still haven't checked my ex's social media in 11 months. I promised myself that I NEVER wanted to feel that drop in the pit of my stomach again. And then my head races with all the whys. The biggest why being "WHY HASN'T HE GOTTEN IN TOUCH WITH ME IF HE IS POSTING PICS ON INSTAGRAM WITH STUPID DUMB B------? HE HAD TIME TO INSTAGRAM HIS LUNCH BUT HOMEBOY COULDN'T SEND ME A QUICK APOLOGY? WHY???????"

 

I can't live like that. It turns me into a psychotic stalker monster that I don't want to be.

 

Onward Dyna! We are far too smart to waste our time mourning for jerks who broke our hearts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hey db! It has been a while! You are right that the holidays are certainly not the best when it comes to dealing with emotions. I agree about the couple thing too.

 

I was going to try and get to you first before you checked but I missed the boat.

No problem at all. I think it actually was the best thing for me. I didn't actually check his FB page, just the main photos, and the online dating site.

I feel like a weight has kind of been lifted, even though my heart was racing and as I was taking a quick look, I did freak out a bit inside. I got out of it when I started to go down a bit of a panicky road in my head and that was that. I'm walking around feeling a little lighter. It's weird. It's like my body is thanking me for having checked.

 

I still haven't checked my ex's social media in 11 months. I promised myself that I NEVER wanted to feel that drop in the pit of my stomach again. And then my head races with all the whys. The biggest why being "WHY HASN'T HE GOTTEN IN TOUCH WITH ME IF HE IS POSTING PICS ON INSTAGRAM WITH STUPID DUMB B------? HE HAD TIME TO INSTAGRAM HIS LUNCH BUT HOMEBOY COULDN'T SEND ME A QUICK APOLOGY? WHY???????"

 

I'm so proud of you for making it 11 months without a single peek. That is awesome! I know what you mean about the drop in the pit of the stomach and the frenzied thoughts and wondering why and all that. What you said about the instagram pics -- haha -- so true. Lol. I think you're very wise in sticking to not looking.

 

I can't live like that. It turns me into a psychotic stalker monster that I don't want to be.

 

I so feel this. I have fallen into this trap before and that is why I forced myself to stop previously. However, this time, I oddly just looked and moved away from the page, and that was it. It was weird because I didn't feel that compulsion to look again and again, etc. I didn't spend too much time on it either, just a quick peek.

 

It's like I needed to do it because he won't contact me and it's all I could do. I feel like it's helped me check on my own progress a bit, and I do feel a bit better strangely and like I'm going to be okay, and maybe I have come further than I thought.

 

It seems to have freed me from that pull of needing to communicate with him, which was eating away at me.

 

Onward Dyna! We are far too smart to waste our time mourning for jerks who broke our hearts.

 

Agreed. Good deal. ;) Thanks for the pep talk and support, as always! Hehe.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...