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Am I being emotionally abused?


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Hello everybody,

 

So, I met this guy 2 months ago and he was so sweet. We texted, flirted, had awesome dates and awesome sex on our 7th date (5 weeks after we knew each other). Before having sex, we always had arguments cuz he was complaining about me not caring enough. In fact I was really so attracted to him but I was kind of cautious at the beginning, just being myself until he forced me to change completely, so I had to pretend to be needy and text him every one or two hours to convince him he was the only one I cared for.

 

After we had sex, he was expecting me to act differently and be more passionate, so we started arguing again because he accused me of faking my feelings and exaggerating. I did my best to prove to him that I really wanted us to be together so I started to tell him sweet words but never confessed love, so he told me I was too emotional and overreacting to everything! At this point, I was totally confused and clueless, so I started to pull away, but again he kept fighting and accusing me of being mysterious and fake.

 

We went out 3 times after we had sex (no sex involved) and everything was great apart from the arguments every now and then. Two weeks ago, he started to text less and care less, he didn't want to see me or answer my calls. I tried to talk to him but he said that he was looking for a serious relationship but my actions shut him down because he thinks I'm lying to him. I tried to fix it, so I tried to show more care, but he ended up accusing me of treating him like we are married already and he asked me to give him space, which I understood and agreed on. After that conversation, he sparingly initiated contact. When I texted him, he would respond after 1 or 2 hours, sometimes 6 hours.

 

Last time I texted him was 4 days ago saying "I miss the old you, the warm and sweet you I used to know when we first met". He answered immediately saying that he didn't know what's going on exactly with him at this stage of his life. He also said that he felt lost and preferred to spend time alone. I texted him later that night asking about how he felt and he said he was going to visit a friend. I never heard back from him since then and I didn't try to contact him. He once said he's not dating others but he still doesn't talk to me or ask me out. What does he want? Should I move on?

 

This guy had several chances to end everything between us because I had strong feelings for him and I couldn't stand his coldness, so I offered friendship or complete withdrawal more than once but he didn't let me go!

 

P.S he's an Aquarius, I am a Scorpio. Just in case someone has studied Astrology.

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I am not an expert on abuse, but there are a few things I can tell you:

1) this guy doesn't care about your boundaries. He makes you act in ways that make you feel uncomfortable, only thinking about his own insecurities. Major red flag. You want a partner who respects you.

 

2) He's a nutcase. Two months and he's already acting like that? Ruuuun forrest ruuuun!

 

3) He's manipulating you.

 

Block him and never look back.

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I don't know about abuse, but he clearly is not playing with a full deck.

 

Not sure either is playing with a full deck.

 

Why did you contact this fellow again? How many red flags do you need?

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>>So, I met this guy 2 months ago and he was so sweet. We texted, flirted, had awesome dates and awesome sex on our 7th date (5 weeks after we knew each other). Before having sex, we always had arguments cuz he was complaining about me not caring enough. <<

 

You always had arguments in the first five weeks of knowing each other - yet you say he was so sweet. Why in hell would you stay with someone who you had so many fights with from the get go?

 

I'm not going to even begin to address his behaviour because I can't get past how bad your own choices have been.

 

At any rate, he's let you go now. So move on with your life and go get some counselling to figure out why you cared for someone who was so unsuitable.

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He's looking for excuses to be free of you now that he has had sex. He's blaming you for everything and you've done nothing wrong. Don't dare call or text him again.

 

Aquarius is an air sign and likes to be free to move.

 

Scorpio likes commitment and doesn't like to share.

 

That's all I know so you do the math.

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He's looking for excuses to be free of you now that he has had sex. He's blaming you for everything and you've done nothing wrong. Don't dare call or text him again.

 

Aquarius is an air sign and likes to be free to move.

 

Scorpio likes commitment and doesn't like to share.

 

That's all I know so you do the math.

 

I'm not defending him or anything. I do believe I can do so much better but I have one question. If all what he wanted was sex, why didn't he use me for sex? He could've done it and I would've let him because I did have strong feelings for him. I think it wasn't about sex, this guy is way too complicated than that.

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After we had sex, he was expecting me to act differently and be more passionate, so we started arguing again because he accused me of faking my feelings and exaggerating.

 

We went out 3 times after we had sex (no sex involved) and everything was great apart from the arguments every now and then.

 

I'm not defending him or anything. I do believe I can do so much better but I have one question. If all what he wanted was sex, why didn't he use me for sex? .

 

He did the first time you had it but was not interested in having sex with you again. Maybe he took you out with intentions to have more sex but couldn't get into it and decided to end it.

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It doesn't sound like any type of abuse but does sound like someone very obviously using you for sex. He wanted you to act like you really liked him so you could think he wanted that and that he liked you too. I agree with the above poster who said he took you out possibly for more sex and then just wasn't feeling it. Or maybe he did want to try to like you for things other than sex and realized he didn't.

 

Whatever the case, it sounds like he has decided he's definitely finished.

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Rejected Rosebud

No. You chose to get involved in a messed up situation and participated fully yourself!! 2 months is not long enough to get emotionally abused by anybody unless you are fully signed up for that!!

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Should you move on? Of course you should!! What a silly question.

 

This guy is either a mental case or a user. Either way he's not a desirable partner. Anyone that tries to force you you to act or feel the way they think you should is a dud. It's only been 2 months so be happy that you found out so soon what a creep he is and get your ass away from him.

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I'm an aquarius too and I don't act like that. Certainly we're not known as being manipulators as far as I know.

 

How old are you? If I may ask :o

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No, no abuse. He would have to be around in order to abuse you. To me, it seems like he's distancing himself.

 

 

Girl, time to move on. If it takes a dude 2, 3 or even 6 hours to respond to a simple text, then it's time to move on.

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I have to disagree with the other posters on this one.

 

I think it is emotional abuse (although a mild case at the moment).

 

Nothing you do is right. Anything you do is not good enough. Doesn't meet his standard. He is seeing how far you will bend to keep him. The constantly changing goal post.

 

The backing off. The push / pull of the relationship is the beginning red flags of an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

Does he ever make mild snide comments at you? You already described a few in your post calling you fake etc. Have there been other similar instances? These types of comments are usually done to make you doubt yourself. He is pushing your boundaries and testing you. Any remarks made about your appearance, clothes or intelligence? Even in a jokey way?

 

What he is doing is slowly lowering your self confidence. Making you think you're not good enough while slowly lowering your expectations of him. I don't think you've heard the last from him.

 

This is a relationship that you've only been in for two months and he is treating you badly already. You should run for your life. Block and delete.

 

Relationships that have so many highs and lows right from the get go spells trouble. It's a means of creating intense emotions very quickly and is classic of abusive relationships.

 

I think he has handed you a good chance to escape. Run!

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Rejected Rosebud

I don't think a person who is barely in your life can emotionally abuse you. Unless you are determined to experience dating a jerk, or being rejected as "emotional abuse," but that is not the common understanding of the term. :confused:

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I don't think a person who is barely in your life can emotionally abuse you. Unless you are determined to experience dating a jerk, or being rejected as "emotional abuse," but that is not the common understanding of the term. :confused:

 

How do you think emotionally abusive relationships start then? People ignore / don't see or believe the warning signs early on then get stuck. It starts slowly with things you brush off. It's always mild to start with. She's only been dating this guy two months.

 

What she is describing has all the hallmarks of the beginning of an abusive relationship. She's lucky she's noticed some signs and should run.

 

There's a difference between a jerk and someone who abuses you. You shouldn't confuse the two.

 

This guy sounds like he has the potential to be very abusive particularly considering his behaviour has started almost immediately. I.e calling her fake and telling her she is over emotional or over reacting. Nothing she does is good enough and he clearly tells her so. Telling her she needs to be more passionate towards him then tells her she isn't doing it right. These are all confidence lowering techniques used to keep her hooked on him and these will continue until she believes she can't do any better than him.

 

I bet he'll be back shortly telling her he doesn't know what he wants but wants to keep seeing her but isn't sure about a relationship.

Edited by 266696687
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Does he ever make mild snide comments at you? You already described a few in your post calling you fake etc. Have there been other similar instances? These types of comments are usually done to make you doubt yourself. He is pushing your boundaries and testing you. Any remarks made about your appearance, clothes or intelligence? Even in a jokey way?

 

It happened twice. The first time after we had an amazing date and he drove me home. He went home and called me on the phone and we were joking and laughing about silly stuff (drinking and friends), then he asked me if I have too many guys in my life and I said I have 6 friends whom I've been knowing for ages and they're more like brothers but before I finish he hung up on me. I thought the call dropped so I called him again but he rejected the call and texted me "good night". I was like what's wrong? And he said he didn't want to talk to me because I am disgusting, I asked why and he said a woman who has 6 men in her life is a woman he would describe her as disgusting and he slept.

 

The second time we were fighting, again just texting (I always tried to call him so I could calm him down but he never picked up! He hates confrontation). So I texted him but he again ignored me and went to sleep, but I was done with his childish attitude, so I texted him "STOP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND TALK TO ME AS A MAN" but he got really mad and said "who the f*** you think you are to say to me talk as a man... You're just nothing, you're someone I wouldn't even respect". At that point i went furious and told him "I don't accept your bull**** no more and that I will no longer tolerate you bullying me. If you're not able to converse respectfully then just go away". He soon calmed down and never did it again. I mean he fought with me, but never that aggressively.

 

I know everyone sees me as a weak helpless woman, but we are humans and we all make mistakes, so please be kind because I'm really hurt. All I need now is a hug :(

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Even if he's not 'abusive' he sure doesn't sound available for a healthy, mutual relationship.

 

Even though you didn't accept what he said, the fact he had the balls (or stupidity) in the first place to say that just doesn't sit well with me. At best he's testing to see how much he can get away with. At worst he is abusive or doesn't want to be with you.

 

Two months in you're supposed to be in the honeymoon phase. It's not a good sign IMO if you're having these types of arguments two months in.

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You need to block and delete him. Get rid of photos, emails and all text messages. Throw away anything he gave you and put him out of your mind. Resist any and all urges to contact him.

 

Use the pain you are feeling right now to do better for yourself. Take a time out from dating and do some things just for you until you put this guy fully behind you.

 

The reason you are so upset about the loss of this relationship is because he made you feel like you wasn't good enough but the reality is he isn't good enough and you do not and should not put up with someone treating you that way.

 

You have to make a stand for yourself and be confident enough with yourself to know when someone is pushing your boundaries and then make a choice to not allow that to happen again. Learn the warning signs and use them to direct you on the right path for the next time you date. Someone who likes you and respects you builds you up and gives you confidence. They don't try to bring you down. That is exactly what he is trying to do by calling you a nobody. Don't put up with it. Have enough self respect to let him go. Give him what he deserves ghost him!

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Use the pain you are feeling right now to do better for yourself. Take a time out from dating and do some things just for you until you put this guy fully behind you.

 

I don't feel bad because I lost him, he's not the only man in the world. I feel bad for myself. Whether he is abusive or not, I feel abused and resentful because I would never allow anyone, not even my parents to mistreat me that way. He managed to control my life and my feelings, I completely lost my appetite and I would stay the whole day without food, feeling miserable if he accused me of lying about my feelings or ignored me (I lost 7 lbs in the 2 months!) and once he would text me, even one word, I would start to eat, talk to people and act normal.

 

I am not young or desperate! I'm 32 and I'm very pretty. I am a manager at a big organization, I have a stable job and a very good income. I wasn't looking for a relationship, I didn't want! I just felt so complete and did not need a man in my life but I don't know what happened to me when I saw him and how could he make it to my heart that fast! I also lost my self respect because I slept with him before I was certain about his feelings. I never did so! I was in a happy relationship with my ex and only agreed to sleep with him after 5 months when he was begging for it even though I was sure he truly loved me.

 

I'm sorry if I talk too much but I really need it.....

Edited by Alexandra221
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He is absolutely an emotional abuser and possibly a physical abuser too. I think the confusing thing for people here is that he let you see that almost right away and you continued to date him anyways. Most abusive men are incredibly charming, romantic and respectful for at least the first 3-6 months of dating. I fell head over heels in love with an abusive man but didn't know it until I moved in with him after a year of dating. Oh there were signs here and there but I didn't recognize them. Like he was jealous but in a flattering way, and sometimes he would get offended over silly things. I would have to spend time nursing his wounded ego but he mostly just acted hurt, not abusive, and I figured he was just a sensitive guy. After I moved in with him he turned to the guy you were seeing.

 

This guy was all in your face with the abuse almost from the start and most women would run from that. Perhaps you should explore why you immediately became so weak for an abusive man who you didn't even know. Did he flatter you and were you weak for flattery because you had been emotionally neglected in past relationships? Did he remind you of a male figure from your past? Perhaps a father figure who made you feel like you could never be good enough? Just throwing out a couple of possibilities. There could have been any number of reasons but something in you immediately clicked with an abuser and I think you should spend some time thinking about that so that it doesn't happen again.

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He is absolutely an emotional abuser and possibly a physical abuser too. I think the confusing thing for people here is that he let you see that almost right away and you continued to date him anyways. Most abusive men are incredibly charming, romantic and respectful for at least the first 3-6 months of dating. I fell head over heels in love with an abusive man but didn't know it until I moved in with him after a year of dating. Oh there were signs here and there but I didn't recognize them. Like he was jealous but in a flattering way, and sometimes he would get offended over silly things. I would have to spend time nursing his wounded ego but he mostly just acted hurt, not abusive, and I figured he was just a sensitive guy. After I moved in with him he turned to the guy you were seeing.

 

This guy was all in your face with the abuse almost from the start and most women would run from that. Perhaps you should explore why you immediately became so weak for an abusive man who you didn't even know. Did he flatter you and were you weak for flattery because you had been emotionally neglected in past relationships? Did he remind you of a male figure from your past? Perhaps a father figure who made you feel like you could never be good enough? Just throwing out a couple of possibilities. There could have been any number of reasons but something in you immediately clicked with an abuser and I think you should spend some time thinking about that so that it doesn't happen again.

 

Totally agree with you Anika.

 

I don't think she's even seen the worst of what he is capable of yet. He is behaving this way at just two months in (most abusers hide it for a while like you said) but he started in on it almost immediately which makes me think he has the potential for much more serious abuse.

 

He has given her an apportunity to escape and she should never look back. He has already had her chasing after him to fix things. I truly hope she lets him go.

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How do you think emotionally abusive relationships start then? People ignore / don't see or believe the warning signs early on then get stuck. It starts slowly with things you brush off. It's always mild to start with. She's only been dating this guy two months.

 

 

 

Wait, what?!?!? So, if I ignore someone, then I'm guilty of emotionally abusing them? See, I thought he was just being a douche rocket.

 

 

Well, if I don't respond anymore in this thread and ignore it, I apologize for any emotional abuse I may cause.

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