My Situation

[howwie324]

I'm going to try to keep this as brief as possible, sorry if the prose becomes a bit terse. I had been dating a woman for almost 4 years, it would have been 4 years in December. We are both 47, and have teenage children. My daughter lives with me full time and is now finishing her last year of high school. She split custody of her children with her ex husband, and both of them are now away in college. We had a great relationship up until the last couple of weeks of September.

 

At this point I should mention that we both work at the same company, in the same location, but it is a fairly good sized place and we work in different departments. Also we both work from home a few days a week, so there isn't much chance that we would physically run in to each other. So for the last couple of weeks of September, she began to complain about various things. Most notably that I was out of shape. Now, I'm not a large guy, at the time I was 5'11" and weighed about 225-230. I was a bit out of shape, admittedly. (Since our breakup I've been exercising regularly along with watching what I eat and am now down to about 210, my goal is 190)

 

Then the last weekend of September we had plans to attend some festival. Or at least I thought we had plans, but according to her nothing was nailed down. Anyway, right before that weekend my daughter informs me she is going to prom, so I wanted to be around for her getting ready and leaving, so I backed out of going. Now, she was upset about it, but kept saying she understood, then claimed that she felt I never wanted to go and my daughter's prom was a "convenient excuse" for me not to go. Mind you, up until about the middle of September our relationship was going very well. She refused to try to make any plans to see each other on Sunday, and essentially ignored me most of the day, then on Monday, we IMed at work a little, but she then ignored my texts that night.

 

The next day she posted on Facebook something that hurt me a lot, which said something along the lines of "Attributing something to a misunderstanding is not an apology and does nothing to address the underlying issues that caused the hurt in the first place." I asked her via IM if that was meant for me, and she said "yes". I said said "I don't know what to do to fix this", she said "I don't either", so I wrote back something like "Maybe it's best for us to move on with our lives and go our separate ways. I don't want things to get ugly, and maybe it's for the best that we just go our separate ways." She then agreed, fairly quickly.

 

Now, looking back, that was a huge mistake. First of all, I'm 47 and have been married twice and have been in many other relationships. She was the closest I've ever come to finding someone who really "gets" me. I really love her, even still. So, later that day I wrote her several emails saying that I thought it was a mistake, etc ... to which she replied that she thought it was for the best for us to break up. I unfriended her on facebook that day, but then a couple days later texted her and asked if she wanted to add me back on FB. She said fine and we did.

 

Most of our communication after then was via FB messenger, or our work IM. We had a few conversations over the next couple of weeks but nothing huge. Normally she likes to go to bed early but one night I saw she was on late and I asked her if she was staying up later these days. She didn't answer at first but then later said something like "'Joe' (her ex husband) used to track my every move now I get upset when someone tries to do that". Well, to me that was close enough to accusing me of engaging in stalker-like behavior to back off and initiate NC.

 

That was two weeks ago today. So for several days, I didn't hear from her, then she begins initiating contact via work IM, but really only small talk, and mostly about work. I'm not sure why other than that I was still hurting and confused and working on trying to move on but a week ago, I asked her if she could please stop IMing me at work for a while so I because it wasn't helping me. She sent a response that was while not angry, not exactly happy and then proceeded to block me on the work IM and unfriend me on FB. OK, I figure that it's just a further escalation of NC. I'll keep working on me and trying to move on with the hopes that at some point we can try to rekindle our relationship.

 

So two days ago, she changes her FB background picture to a statement that says "Remember while you're ignoring her, you're teaching her to live without you." which came from some "Relationship" FB page. So I figure that it maybe a signal that she is willing to talk. I send her a short message on FB messenger that says something like "I'm willing to talk if you are, I didn't mean to ignore you, I just needed to get my bearings in my own space." She does not respond, but deletes the message and blocks me from sending her any more messages. Seriously? I guess I really read that wrong. I then sent her a couple of emails over the course of the next day and get no response. Then today I mailed her a short handwritten letter that basically said I was fine with things and that she could contact me whenever she was ready.

 

So I'm a little confused, but I can also see how I might have been sending her mixed signals and how she might be kind of also hurt and confused. I realize that I need to maintain no contact and let her come to me ... and I'm honestly here for support in that.

 

So thanks for reading and hopefully I can meet some folks in similar situations and we can offer one another some mutual support.

[pidgeon1010]

Most of this seems VERY immature especially for a couple your age. Goodness gracious! 47 year old posting passive aggressive messages on Facebook rather than sitting down and have an adult discussion with a significant other?

 

It sounds like her needs (attention/affection) weren't being met in the relationship and she turned into a drama queen instead of discussing it. The misunderstanding re festival plans was probably the icing on the cake. You both have an issue with communication and resolving issues before it escalates. Couples therapy may have been a good option for you (and would still be advisable if she decides to give the relationship another chance).

 

You have told her how you feel so the only thing you can do at this point is to move on. I doubt this is the last you've heard from her though. She will probably reach out once she simmers down. Best wishes!

Edited November 5, 2015 by pidgeon1010

[howwie324]

Most of this seems VERY immature especially for a couple your age. Goodness gracious! 47 year old posting passive aggressive messages on Facebook rather than sitting down and have an adult discussion with a significant other?

 

I can't say I disagree. We both come from fairly emotionally dysfunctional families, which is probably part of the reason we hit it off so well.

 

You have told her how you feel so the only thing you can do at this point is to move on. I doubt this is the last you've heard from her though. She will probably reach out once she simmers down. Best wishes!

 

Possibly. While it's comforting to hear, it's not something that I'm truly counting on.

 

Thank you for your reply!

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Hate to say it, but this situation screams to me:

"I want out, but I have no idea how to do it with integrity!"

Reading your words makes it seem like she put the burden on you,

To break the relationship for the drama that was sure to ensue.

 

Furthermore, it seems to me that the drama is what she desired,

for your attempts to talk afterword were met with disdain for your emotional attire,

Her game playing with memes and quotes that no one really said,

is just further reasoning as to why I feel your relationship is dead.

 

One last thought, since you were the one to pull the plug,

The responsibility of the reconciliation is yours to tug,

So should you feel that this relationship is not beyond recourse,

Then saddle back up and get back on your metaphorical horse.

[howwie324]

Hate to say it, but this situation screams to me:

"I want out, but I have no idea how to do it with integrity!"

Reading your words makes it seem like she put the burden on you,

To break the relationship for the drama that was sure to ensue.

 

Furthermore, it seems to me that the drama is what she desired,

for your attempts to talk afterword were met with disdain for your emotional attire,

Her game playing with memes and quotes that no one really said,

is just further reasoning as to why I feel your relationship is dead.

 

One last thought, since you were the one to pull the plug,

The responsibility of the reconciliation is yours to tug,

So should you feel that this relationship is not beyond recourse,

Then saddle back up and get back on your metaphorical horse.

 

It's pretty awesome how you make your advice rhyme.

So if I am to reconcile, when to you recommend would be the right time?

[PegNosePete]

You have tried and tried and tried to get her to talk like an adult human being. She has refused.

 

If I were you I would stop smacking my head against the at brick wall. She has made it very clear that she is not interested in a reconciliation.

 

Time to accept that and begin to move on with your life.