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Back together with Ex - Her Family don't approve - ways around this?


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Hey folks

 

Hope you're all well.

 

Coming to you with a predicament myself and my partner find ourselves in.

 

Recently we re-united for the second time after breaking up 6 months ago. We were together for 5 years. We broke up for 2 months back in 2013, got back together, and then earlier this year in March we called it a day. There was no cheating involved or anything of that nature - we just drifted apart - I'll hold my hands up and admit to being mainly responsible for the break up (she was in college full time, I worked full time, I took part in the after work partying culture a bit too much whereas she wanted to stay at home and concentrate on her studies). I'll be honest, I was a complete pain in the ass to be around towards the end.

 

I accept all this. Things came to a head, there was one final argument and that was that.

 

In the intervening 6 months, according to her, she took it really badly, cried a lot, her family saw how upset she was, she also partied hard and burnt herself out. Everything I'd been doing while in the relationship.

 

I got my act together, got a bit of therapy, took stock of what was important to me and made a conscious effort to change.

 

Fast forward 6 months and we've decided to try again. We're both attending relationship counselling to give ourselves the best chance of making it work.

 

However, her family are dead set against us being together, considering the way she took the break up last time. They're adamant we can not be together, and now we're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

Now we don't know what to do.

 

Any advice you can offer would be really welcome

Edited by Cydonia
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Hey folks

 

Hope you're all well.

 

Coming to you with a predicament myself and my partner find ourselves in.

 

Recently we re-united for the second time after breaking up 6 months ago. We were together for 5 years. We broke up for 2 months back in 2013, got back together, and then earlier this year in March we called it a day. There was no cheating involved or anything of that nature - we just drifted apart - I'll hold my hands up and admit to being mainly responsible for the break up (she was in college full time, I worked full time, I took part in the after work partying culture a bit too much whereas she wanted to stay at home and concentrate on her studies). I'll be honest, I was a complete pain in the ass to be around towards the end.

 

I accept all this. Things came to a head, there was one final argument and that was that.

 

In the intervening 6 months, according to her, she took it really badly, cried a lot, her family saw how upset she was, she also partied hard and burnt herself out. Everything I'd been doing while in the relationship.

 

I got my act together, got a bit of therapy, took stock of what was important to me and made a conscious effort to change.

 

Fast forward 6 months and we've decided to try again. We're both attending relationship counselling to give ourselves the best chance of making it work.

 

However, her family are dead set against us being together, considering the way she took the break up last time. They're adamant we can not be together, and now we're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

Now we don't know what to do.

 

Any advice you can offer would be really welcome ��

 

Actions speak louder than words... Focus on yourselves for now and strengthening up the relationship and trust. If it starts to work then the family will and can only notice the positive culture that will become of that. If they see she is happy and that things are healthy, they will learn to accept it.

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If you're both happy, both want this, both working on making it work, and have both decided that this is what you both want - I really don't see what the issue is.

If they have a problem with it - that's their problem.

Your job is to prove them wrong and learn from your past behaviour.

 

Have you actually sat down and spoken to them about this, or is it an "us and them" situation?

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If you're both happy, both want this, both working on making it work, and have both decided that this is what you both want - I really don't see what the issue is.

If they have a problem with it - that's their problem.

Your job is to prove them wrong and learn from your past behaviour.

 

Have you actually sat down and spoken to them about this, or is it an "us and them" situation?

 

The determination to prove them wrong as well as prove to each other that we're meant for each other is what's driving us along.

 

We only got back together a few weeks ago so we haven't had a chance to talk to them about it but she got a call from a family member last night who had suspicions and told my g/f in no uncertain terms that it was a bad idea :(

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The determination to prove them wrong as well as prove to each other that we're meant for each other is what's driving us along.

 

We only got back together a few weeks ago so we haven't had a chance to talk to them about it but she got a call from a family member last night who had suspicions and told my g/f in no uncertain terms that it was a bad idea :(

 

Your first determination should be to know that you love one another and that you want to be together. And it should be your last determination, too. In other words, that's the one and only reason you should be doing this.

 

Proving them wrong is a poor determination, because it adds a factor in there which is not supportive of a good emotional base.

 

If you use a motivation to prove others wrong, it fuels a stubborn streak, and keeps you together because of other people's input.

You shouldn't be working to stay together because of her family's opinion, you should be working to stay together in spite of it.

 

Ignore the motivation or opinions of her family.

 

Thank people fo their opinions, but this is none of their business.

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Your first determination should be to know that you love one another and that you want to be together. And it should be your last determination, too. In other words, that's the one and only reason you should be doing this.

 

Proving them wrong is a poor determination, because it adds a factor in there which is not supportive of a good emotional base.

 

If you use a motivation to prove others wrong, it fuels a stubborn streak, and keeps you together because of other people's input.

You shouldn't be working to stay together because of her family's opinion, you should be working to stay together in spite of it.

 

Ignore the motivation or opinions of her family.

 

Thank people for their opinions, but this is none of their business.

 

 

They are all really good points. I appreciate you taking the time to write all that.

 

When I said 'determination to prove them wrong', it wasn't so much a 'you were wrong, we were right kind of thing', it was to show them that things have changed, and we make each other ridiculously happy irrespective of what you all think'

 

I appreciate it's early days and one swallow doesn't make a summer/talk is cheap, but we both want this so bad

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Then learn to prioritise.

Learn what - or who - is important to your progress.

I would assume (I may be incorrect) that the two people whose opinions matter most to her (and by connection, you) are those of her parents.

 

Whether she wants/needs their approval, may not be a factor keeping you together, but if you haven't already done so, I would suggest going out to dinner with THEM, and round a meal table, talking this out.

But be prepared to listen.

Don't be defensive.

They are her mother and father, and naturally will be caring and protective, which is different to critical and controlling.

Take on board their criticisms - but filter out the insults.... should there be any, overt, veiled or whatever....

 

Oh and dinner is of course, YOUR treat.....

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Then learn to prioritise.

Learn what - or who - is important to your progress.

I would assume (I may be incorrect) that the two people whose opinions matter most to her (and by connection, you) are those of her parents.

 

Whether she wants/needs their approval, may not be a factor keeping you together, but if you haven't already done so, I would suggest going out to dinner with THEM, and round a meal table, talking this out.

But be prepared to listen.

Don't be defensive.

They are her mother and father, and naturally will be caring and protective, which is different to critical and controlling.

Take on board their criticisms - but filter out the insults.... should there be any, overt, veiled or whatever....

 

Oh and dinner is of course, YOUR treat.....

 

Her parents are seperated, so it's more so her Mum - her dad has little if not zero involvement or input in her life.

 

Her mum loves/loved me like a son, but from what I get from my partner, she told her never to ever come back to me.

 

Don't know whether the dinner would work as she lives a good 3 hours away from us

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If I were you i would ignore the family. Keep the GF happy and show her the changes and she will stand up for you and your relationship. When the family still batter it, she will be in a position to tell them to accept that things change and she is happy and either they can be happy for her or they dont get to talk about her relationship anymore.

 

I have been in your position before where the mother of the GF told her "he is the wrong person for you" it affected her deeply and made er question us and almost broke up over it... but all we did was focus on us and yes took advice from the mother as to why she thought that. it took 4 months to change their opinion and they regarded me as their son. The mother and i are extremely close and she loved me to bits. We are broken up at the moment and possibly looking at reconciliation with time to come and once ive sorted some of my issues out, but her family still speak to me and my biggest critic was the first one to breakdown when she heard we had broken up...

 

FOCUS on each other. the opinions of others will vary and that's fine, but they aren't in your relationship.

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If I were you i would ignore the family. Keep the GF happy and show her the changes and she will stand up for you and your relationship. When the family still batter it, she will be in a position to tell them to accept that things change and she is happy and either they can be happy for her or they dont get to talk about her relationship anymore.

 

I have been in your position before where the mother of the GF told her "he is the wrong person for you" it affected her deeply and made er question us and almost broke up over it... but all we did was focus on us and yes took advice from the mother as to why she thought that. it took 4 months to change their opinion and they regarded me as their son. The mother and i are extremely close and she loved me to bits. We are broken up at the moment and possibly looking at reconciliation with time to come and once ive sorted some of my issues out, but her family still speak to me and my biggest critic was the first one to breakdown when she heard we had broken up...

 

FOCUS on each other. the opinions of others will vary and that's fine, but they aren't in your relationship.

 

 

That's really hopeful and positive. Thank You :)

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Her parents are seperated, so it's more so her Mum - her dad has little if not zero involvement or input in her life.

 

Her mum loves/loved me like a son, but from what I get from my partner, she told her never to ever come back to me.

 

Don't know whether the dinner would work as she lives a good 3 hours away from us

 

If it's important to your GF (and obviously, you should discuss this, and just HOW important it is) then MAKE it work.

Arrange a weekend up near her mom's and take her out to dinner.

Like I said, prioritise.

If your GF can live with the situation as it is, let it ride and focus on each other.

If her mother's "blessing" matters to her, discuss a strategy to try to smooth things out.

 

Remember the three stalwart essential and critical components to any relationship:

 

Communication

Respect

Trust.

 

Without one of those three, the other two cannot effectively work to sustain the liaison. All three must be strong, effective and constantly observed....

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i dont think it will be hard for you to prove to her famiy that things are going to be ok , they will just need a little time , they are trying to protect her as and family would

 

what are the details of the 6 months you were apart , was it nc ect ?

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i dont think it will be hard for you to prove to her famiy that things are going to be ok , they will just need a little time , they are trying to protect her as and family would

 

what are the details of the 6 months you were apart , was it nc ect ?

 

There was no contact at all except for a handwritten letter I sent her in August explaining myself, apologising and letting her know my regret.

 

Then a few weeks ago we started texting, met up, had a chat and the rest is history

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its good to see that your time apart was posative , im assuming she iniciated the break ?

 

It wasn't a break, it was a complete break up and cutting of ties. We had zero contact for 5 months.

 

It was kinda mutual. She got out because she couldn't handle my partying or unpredictability and I made no effort to change or get her to change her mind.

 

It was only when it was over I realised certain things and made the decision to get my act together

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SoThatHappened

As long as you have your act together and are set on staying with this girl, the family will eventually fall in line.

 

My sister got back together with a guy who cheated on her. He called my dad after the incident and my dad told him he never wants to speak to him again.

 

They've now been married for 2 years and everyone in the family forgave him and my parents love him like a son.

 

They'll get there, as long as your intentions are true. They'll see it as well.

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As long as you have your act together and are set on staying with this girl, the family will eventually fall in line.

 

My sister got back together with a guy who cheated on her. He called my dad after the incident and my dad told him he never wants to speak to him again.

 

They've now been married for 2 years and everyone in the family forgave him and my parents love him like a son.

 

They'll get there, as long as your intentions are true. They'll see it as well.

 

That's a great ending :)

 

Delighted for them

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was getting back togetehr somehting you wanted from day one or you felt would always happen ?

 

To be honest I never wanted to break up in the first place, and neither did she.

 

If you took the partying out of the equation on my part, we had a really good relationship - i lost sight of this which drove a wedge between us.

 

I had always hoped we would eventually rekindle it as I missed her so much but I did not fancy our chances of actually doing it.

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Hey folks

 

Hope you're all well.

 

Coming to you with a predicament myself and my partner find ourselves in.

 

Recently we re-united for the second time after breaking up 6 months ago. We were together for 5 years. We broke up for 2 months back in 2013, got back together, and then earlier this year in March we called it a day. There was no cheating involved or anything of that nature - we just drifted apart - I'll hold my hands up and admit to being mainly responsible for the break up (she was in college full time, I worked full time, I took part in the after work partying culture a bit too much whereas she wanted to stay at home and concentrate on her studies). I'll be honest, I was a complete pain in the ass to be around towards the end.

 

I accept all this. Things came to a head, there was one final argument and that was that.

 

In the intervening 6 months, according to her, she took it really badly, cried a lot, her family saw how upset she was, she also partied hard and burnt herself out. Everything I'd been doing while in the relationship.

 

I got my act together, got a bit of therapy, took stock of what was important to me and made a conscious effort to change.

 

Fast forward 6 months and we've decided to try again. We're both attending relationship counselling to give ourselves the best chance of making it work.

 

However, her family are dead set against us being together, considering the way she took the break up last time. They're adamant we can not be together, and now we're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

Now we don't know what to do.

 

Any advice you can offer would be really welcome ��

 

 

First of I want to say that you have to understand their doubts - not accept them and give up, but understand them. I have a bit of perspective when it comes to that, when my boyfriend and I broke up, my anxiety reared its ugly head and my parents witnessed me struggle like I haven't in a long time. I believe it was hard for them to see me like that, being unable to do anything to help - no parent likes to see their kid suffer. When my ex and I started hanging out again, I instantly got comments like 'you're not getting back together, are you?' and 'don't be stupid', even his mother, who cared very much for me, told me to find something new etc. it's like they conpletely forgot all the good stuff about us and focused only on the break up. Anyway, you have to accept it will take time for them to get back on board and meanwhile do your best (both of you) to not let it affect your relationship. If this second chance is good for the both of you, they will eventually see it and accept it. They've seen their daughter broken and now don't trust that you're good for her which makes sense - they don't want to see her like that again. You have to prove to then that was a one time thing and you're actually good together, as does she. It will take time but they will see it, until then good luck :)

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I'm thinking if this were my daughter , I wouldn't want her to get back with you, however, if I saw my daughter happy again and there was a full turnaround in how you were treating her with:

 

Appreciation

value

and respect, then I'd be prepared to give a second chance ......but NOT a third chance.

 

Seeing your child heartbroken isn't pleasant and her mum is just doing what any loving mother would do.

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